The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  Kaateria burned hot with anger. Her hand tightened around the hilt of her sword. She contemplated whether King Glendorrys would understand that she couldn't possibly spend any more time with Damon than she already had. If she asked around, she would find that she wasn't the only who had this thought after spending any amount of time with Damon.

  "Think of all of the great swordfighters ever mentioned in legend. Not once has there ever been a girl. There's me, of course, the world's greatest swordfighter," Damon gave Kaateria a wink. Kaateria met the wink with a yawn. "Then you've got Blandon the Bored, who was so good that he eventually quit out of boredom. You've got Left-handed Lagordian, who got the name only after losing his right-hand. Funny story, before that we called him Two-hand Tony, because, oddly enough, Tony was his first name. Then there's Mandi the Four-Fingered, who everyone thinks is a woman, but who I can assure you is most definitely not, believe you me..."

  "So what if I'm not in your precious legends, maybe someday--"

  "Ha! Someday. For you there will be no someday. You're a member of the king's guard. I can't tell you the last time I heard any stories worth repeating about the lot."

  Kaateria leaned toward Damon. Her face was inches from his. They stared deeply into each other's eyes. There was nothing but hatred coming from Kaateria's. Damon's was an odd combination of mischievousness and lust.

  "I highly doubt you'll ever be mentioned in any legends," Damon scoffed.

  "I'll have you know," she growled through clenched teeth, "that I'm an excellent swordfighter.

  "For a girl, maybe," Damon said. "But, I'm sure I could dispense of you in seconds. If I wanted. In fact," Damon gestured his chained hands around the room, "I'd wager coin on any one of these men, before I put any down on you."

  "First of all, pig, I'm a woman, not a girl," Kaateria spat.

  "Pig?" Damon said. Damon could tell he was getting Kaateria worked up enough that she'd fight him. And then he'd use that to his advantage.

  "Second, they don't just let anyone in the king's guard. How do you think I got there if it wasn't for being a qualified sword person?"

  Damon leaned away. Then stuck the tip of his tongue in the inside of his cheek and lewdly poked it out several times.

  Kaateria flexed her muscles. She made as if she was going to toss the table with one hand and draw her sword with the other. Belosic however, slammed three tankards down loudly on the table, startling both Damon and Kaateria. Kaateria sat back down, sheathing her blade. Her hands remained clenched at her side.

  "Ah, Belosic, perfect timing." Damon rolled his eyes. "I think Kaateria was starting to get a little steamed and could use a beverage to cool her down..."

  Damon swept up the tankard of ale that had been set in front of him and chugged from it thirstily. He slammed it back down, empty, and let out a satisfied sigh. He then swiped Belosic's and cradled it in both hands.

  "What was that? A Saranac? Bless the Gods those dwarves make great ale. Another round my good man. Grab a pickle or two while you're up there. I'm feeling a tad peckish. Kaateria looks like she could use a good pickle, too," Damon said as he set Belosic's empty tankard down next to his own. He drew the back of his hands over his beard wiping away the suds. Maybe he'd wait to escape later, he thought.

  Damon watched him walk back to the bar and then turned his attention back to Kaateria.

  "You see that guy over there?" Damon asked. He pointed his head in the direction of a man sitting alone in the corner. He tried not to make it obvious.

  "The guy with the beard?" Kaateria sighed. Damon apparently was doing too good a job of making it not obvious.

  "No, the guy with the eye patch."

  Kaateria glanced over there again. She wasn't entirely sure why she was humoring him. Perhaps the ale was cooling her down. She kept her head low and her eyes barely moved above the lip of her mug.

  "There are two guys with eye patches."

  "The one with the patch over his right eye."

  "They both have patches over their right eye."

  Damon aggressively nodded his head in the direction he was trying to draw Kaateria's attention.

  "Oh, ok. Sure. What about him?"

  The man was weathered and gray. Lines of scars and wrinkles crossed his flesh. The man wore a gray hat that hung limply on his head. His outfit looked like it was made from the rags of rags. His blonde hair was stringy with grease. He held his mug in both hands and twitched his eyes back and forth expecting someone to try and steal it.

  "That's Sartorius. He's an old swordfighter. Many say he was my equal back in his day."

  "No, he isn't."

  "That's what I say!"

  "No," Kaateria continued. "That isn't Sartorius."

  "Yes, it is. I'd bet my life on it."

  "I don't know who Sartorius is, but I know that man. And he most definitely is not Sartorius."

  Damon stared at Kaateria searching her face. Kaateria wasn't going to back down from this one. He could tell that she was absolutely positive she knew what she was talking about.

  "Ok, so maybe not my life. But I would definitely bet someone else's life." Damon looked around the bar. Finding a heavy set guy with rosy cheeks, a runny nose and a chest wet from the ale that missed his lips, Damon said, "That guy's. I would bet that guy's life. That man over there is Sartorius."

  Kaateria chuckled.

  "No, he isn't."

  "Why would I lie to you? How does that benefit me in any way?"

  "Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe I'd then believe your ridiculous claim about being the world's greatest swordfighter? I'd be so impressed and awed to be in your presence that I would then easily be lead to sleep with you because you're so amazing."

  "That makes total sense. So, you'd sleep with me if I were to prove to you that I am the world's greatest swordfighter?"

  "It'll never happen, so..."

  "Which?"

  "Both."

  It was Damon's turn to chuckle.

  "I guess we'll just have to wait and see won't we?"

  "Woebke?" Kaateria hollered to the man Damon called Sartorius.

  Woebke slowly looked up from his drink. He blinked his eyes a couple times. They were so bloodshot it made Damon's water to look at them. His nose was a battlefield of gin blossoms. He gave Kaateria a broken smile of recognition.

  Kaateria raised her drink in salutations. Woebke followed suit.

  "That man is Woebke. He stumbles inside the castle walls at least once a week, usually drunk, to spout some nonsense about the rightful heir to the throne of Flenshorn. It's always my job to usher him back out."

  "Well, he looks like Sartorius. I think it's just the bad lighting in here. Did you notice that when you walked in?" Damon squinted his eyes as if adjusting his vision to the dimness of the area.

  "It's really too bad you didn't bet your life. I would've liked to have taken it."

  Belosic brought more drinks over.

  "Belosic, my good sir, I am once again amazed at your impeccable timing. Where's the pickle? You know what? Don't worry about it. This ale will fill my needs."

  Damon went to reach for his ale. But, before he could wrap his hand around the tankard's handle someone else grabbed it and poured it over Damon's head.

  Damon lapped at the ale that dripped down his face.

  "Damon Arkon. I can't believe you have the nerve to show yourself in this place again."

  Damon didn't have to see who was talking to know exactly who it was who had wasted a perfectly fine beverage in a completely imperfect way.

  "Lillith, honey," Damon said. He turned and gave the elf standing behind him the winningest smile he could muster while being soaked with suds.

  Lillith had a lithe sleek body, small, yet very firm breasts, brunette hair that she'd tied into a ponytail that revealed her pointy ears. And eyes. It took him a while, but Damon eventually got around to looking into them. They were blue.

  "You said you were going to send a raven for me next time you we
re in town," she growled. She had her hands on her hips in a way that suggested it would be foolish to test her.

  That had never stopped Damon before.

  "This wasn't an expected stop, or I would've. I promise."

  "And who is she? Huh? Are you sleeping with her too?"

  Kaateria adamantly shook her head.

  "No, I'm not," Damon said. "Not yet anyway." Damon punctuated the last sentence with a wink in Kaateria's direction.

  "Not yet and never will," Kaateria barked.

  Lillith looked from Kaateria to Damon. Suddenly her demeanor softened.

  "Oh, Damon, I'm so sorry. It just has been so long since I've seen you. And I have needs that only you can meet."

  Lillith made as if to throw herself on him, but then remembered the ale-soaked tunic and reconsidered. She still had several hours left in her shift. Then she reconsidered the reconsideration when she realized that she was already wet.

  Damon looked at Kaateria. He wanted to say, "Huh, huh, what do you think about that?"

  Instead he said to Lillith, "I really appreciate that. Now, you wasted a perfectly fine ale. What do you think? Could you get me another?"

  "Oh, Damon, of course. Anything for you. And I do mean anything," Lillith moved her eyes over to Kaateria and then ran them up and down her body. Then she gave Damon a wink. Her eyes looked tired to Damon. Must've been all of the running.

  She turned and bumped into Belosic who had yet to sit since they walked into the place.

  "Big fella can't watch though. Or it'll cost you extra"

  And with that Lillith walked away to fetch Damon another ale.

  "So, this is already turning out to be a very interesting trip," Belosic said. He pulled out a chair and sat down. Finally. It creaked loudly under his weight. But it didn't break. Much to Damon's chagrin.

  "Interesting is one way of putting it," Kaateria said.

  Lillith returned with another Saranac. And almost as quickly as she set it down, Damon slammed it back. He licked the foam from his mustache. He pushed the empty tankard toward Belosic and looked at him expectantly.

  Belosic took it and walked back to the bar.

  Damon waited until he was out of earshot.

  "Ok, so, I like the guy, but I think after we get the Ring of Ashmara, we ditch him and--"

  "Did you say Ring of Ashmara?" a guy who was drinking by himself at the table next to them asked. His beard came in clumpy and was as red as his eyes. They both hurt to look at.

  "I didn't say Ring of Ashmara," Damon said. "Did you say Ring of Ashmara?"

  Kaateria shook her head.

  "Oh, ok," the man sighed. "I thought you had. My cousin went missing last week. The last we heard he was going looking for the ring. Said he felt he had to do it. Wouldn't listen to us despite the fact that we told him no one had ever found it. Thought maybe I'd ask you to look for him if you were going looking for the ring anyway."

  The man sighed again. His breath was hot and smelled like he had spent more time drinking than searching for his cousin.

  "Any coin in it?" Damon asked.

  The man held up a finger. He rummaged through his pockets. Coming up empty, he shook his head.

  "Ok then. Well, we weren't going that way anyway. It's like you said, no one has ever found it, so why bother."

  The man nodded.

  "Well, I've got a flyer," the man said. "You know, in case you run into him somewhere else."

  The man held it out to Damon. It was soggy like it had been used to wipe up the ale the man had sloshed on his table. It was possible it smelled too, but it could've just as easily been the man. Damon looked at the man as if he was handing Damon something that he would never bother taking the time to review. Kaateria reached over and took it instead. Despite the fact that she probably wouldn't look at it either.

  "Thanks," the man said. Then turned back to his ale and continued to drink in silence.

  Belosic brought another ale back for Damon.

  And Damon drank that.

  And so it went. Belosic would bring back another ale. And Damon would drink it.

  Until Damon drank so much that he slammed his head into the table as he passed out.

  17

  Damon felt a familiar up and down motion that slowly brought him out of his dream state. Every once in a while he'd slam down kind of hard, but for the most part the rhythm and pace was fantastic. He kept his eyes closed for a little longer. He didn't want the sensation to stop.

  He didn't remember ever leaving the tavern area of the Wobblin Duck. Which meant he didn't remember going to bed. Nor, who he went to bed with. Gods, he hoped she was beautiful. Based on the smell coming from her, he didn't think it was likely.

  He felt long hair swiping his face. It was stiff and tickled his nose. He sneezed so forcefully his eyes popped open.

  In front of his face was the brownish green of dirt and grass. He tilted his head and saw hooves. Damon screamed. He thrashed around, but he was tied tightly to Buttercup and wasn't in any danger of falling.

  "Ah, look who's awake," Belosic said a little too cheerfully for Damon's liking.

  "Did you get a good rest?" Kaateria asked. She too was oddly chipper.

  "Where are we?" Damon asked. He watched the ground come in and out of focus.

  "We're on the path to the Devil's Cave," Belosic said.

  "But how do you know you're going in the right direction?"

  "You kept saying 'go west' after we got you drunk enough," Kaateria said.

  "You...you tricked me. You didn't want to stop at the Wobblin Duck because you felt bad for me. You wanted to stop to get me drunk and learn of the secret location of the ring. I would expect this from a woman like Kaateria, but I thought you were an honorable man Belosic."

  "I'm also a man who wants to find this ring as quickly as possible and get back to defend the kingdom. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to the king while we were away."

  "Bah," Damon said. "Look, can we stop? Now that I'm awake I think if I keep watching the ground pass by like this I'm going to be sick. Also, we're going in the wrong direction."

  "But you said 'go west.' I heard you," Kaateria said, the happiness in her voice turning to something less than happy. "Belosic heard you too."

  "Yep, started mumbling it after you slammed your head on the table."

  "That explains why my head hurts."

  "Sure, it couldn't possibly be the nineteen tankards of ale," Kaateria said.

  "Only nineteen? Well, that would explain why I didn't give you the correct directions."

  "Why would you tell us to go west if that wasn't the way?" Belosic asked.

  "Because I wasn't saying 'go west.' I was saying 'show breasts.'"

  "But that makes even less sense," Kaateria said.

  "Does it?" Damon asked, dropping his eyes to Kaateria's chest.

  Kaateria groaned. She pulled on the rope that was attached to Buttercup causing the horse to kick up some dirt. It landed in Damon's mouth.

  "Look, do you want to get to the ring or don't you?" Damon asked after spitting out as much of the dirt as he could.

  Belosic and Kaateria looked at one another and said in unison, "We want to get to the ring."

  "Perfect, then get me up on my horse and start heading back East."

  18

  Damon observed the surrounding area as they rode. Trying to get his bearings. He couldn't say exactly where they were as he'd been asleep while they were traveling and none of it looked familiar to him from his trips this way before.

  The woods were a little less dense here than they were at the beginning of the trip. Many of the trees were simply trunks without leaves due to a fire that ripped through here many moons ago. The sun was just beginning to rise over a hazy mountain in the distance. The sky was a patchy blue ahead. Above the riding party an ominous gray cloud threatened to burst.

  Damon whistled softly to Buttercup who gradually came to a halt. The others slowed their horses as w
ell.

  "Why are we stopping?" Kaateria asked.

  "We're going east," Damon said matter-of-factly.

  "Yeah..." Kaateria said.

  "That's the direction you said we needed to go," Belosic said.

  "No, we should be heading west. I was right the first time. I guess plied-with-drinks me has a better sense of direction."

  "What about that 'show breasts' nonsense you were spouting earlier," Belosic asked.

  "Well, when you asked me I thought it made much more sense than 'go west,' because that doesn't seem like the kind of thing I'd say. But 'show breasts'? Yeah, I would definitely say that," Damon said. He shrugged as if the explanation made perfect sense.

  "Nothing could possibly make this trip worse," Kaateria said.

  "I can think of at least one thing," Damon said. And it was true, at that moment, Damon was thinking of at least one thing.

  And then it started to rain.

  Which was not among the things that he was thinking of, but it was unfortunate just the same.

  19

  "There," Kaateria said pointing at what appeared to be a cave on the side of a mountain.

  It seemed like as good a place as any. Well, as good a place than where they were currently. The rain was pounding down on them like a blind, one-armed pugilist. As much as they tried to duck and weave to avoid it every once in awhile they'd still manage to get splashed in the face. It was rare though. In fact, the rain seemed to be doing a better job of surrounding them than actually getting them wet.

  Damon pulled on Buttercup's reins and directed the horse and the other riders to the cave. His body was pressed down on the horse's back as Buttercup galloped as quickly as possible to their destination. The horses' hooves skidded in the increasingly muddy ground. The rain came down harder and faster. The horses continue to struggle as the angle of the mountain increased.

  "Tie them up here. We'll come back for them once the rain stops," Belosic said nodding his head in the direction of a clump of trees.

  The trio hopped off of their horses and tied them up. Belosic and Kaateria removed their packs from their horses and slung them over their shoulders. Damon patted Buttercup on the neck. She snorted in what Damon believed was a show of appreciation. It was merely a sneeze due to the horse being wet and cold.