The Devil's Cave: A Humorous Fantasy Novel (The Legends of Damon Arkon: The World's Greatest Swordfighter)

by Everson Cook

  The first two men after Belosic had gotten themselves stuck when they both tried to push through at the same time. Then each subsequent man had wedged them in deeper and deeper, followed by the man behind him. And so on, until the rest of the men were stuck on the other side.

  "I guess I never took this into consideration when having this place built. Well, we're going to need you all to get naked again. But first we need to figure out how to get you free, huh honeys..."

  After the men were unstuck, which took a considerable amount of time, but was not a very exciting process overall as it mainly consisted of a bunch of pushing and pulling, they all stripped back down. They picked up the armor, passed it through to the other side. Then they made their way through the passage one-by-one. Before going outside, they stopped at the pile of boots and either grabbed a pair, or a single, or none, as the case may be.

  They walked outside. And quickly dropped to their knees and clutched at their eyeballs. They had grown accustomed to the red light of the cave. The natural light of the sun was excruciating.

  Unaffected by the sun's rays, Meridtora picked up pieces of armor and began pushing them into the men's chests.

  "Sack up and suit up," she shouted. It was the first time Damon could recall hearing her raise her voice.

  She stopped in front of one man. "Except you," she said. She patted him gently on the arm. "I saw what happened earlier. You know, with your dick. You can just suit up, ok honey?"

  After everyone had finally gotten suited back up, Meridtora once again turned toward Damon.

  "Ok, now you can lead us," she purred.

  38

  Damon, Meridtora, Belosic, and the army stood on the cliff that overlooked the backside of the village. It was quiet. Except for the sound of the river bubbling in the distance. And the caw of a bird that flew by. And the rattling of their swords and armor. And the whistling of the wind as it swirled about them. Except for all of that, it was quiet. There were no signs of life down below. As far as the women of the village were concerned.

  And the smell of fish wasn't as heavy. Although that could've been due to how high the group was above the village. Even so, the faint smell was causing several men to gag as it moved from their nose to their tastebuds.

  Damon searched and determined that the source of it seemed to only be coming from--

  "There," Meridtora said.

  If Damon had been able to speak he would have said "there" first. He was sure of it. Even though he hadn't noticed the women until the exact moment that Meridtora had pointed them out. He would've said it and then hoped he had found them in time to show others exactly where "there" was.

  The women of the village, and Kaateria, were hiding on the shoreline. If one could call it that. Not the shoreline as that was obviously what it was, but hiding. They were basically just standing on the other side of the trees by the river. And this would've been an ok spot if everyone had approached from ground level, but since they had instead gotten to higher ground it made it plain silly.

  The women stared straight ahead, weapons at the ready. They had yet to notice the group on top of the rock.

  "This will be our first test. A little warm up before we make our way to Flenshorn. Make me proud honeys."

  The men made their way back down the cliff. They ran silently through the village. Then pushed their way through the bushes.

  The women gasped. Many of the men penetrating their bushes looked familiar.

  "Grandor!" Brewnyn shouted at the man who had lost his dick. She started running toward him.

  Grandor showed no sign of recognition. He gripped his sword and got into a fighting position.

  Brewnyn skidded to a halt.

  "Grandor? Do you not recognize me? Your own wife?"

  "He has no need for you," Meridtora said. "He's got me now."

  Brewnyn raised her bow, knocked an arrow and shot it in the direction of Meridtora. The men closest to her moved as one. They deflected it with their swords. The arrow shattered. Its pieces fell to the ground.

  Meridtora threw her head back and laughed.

  "Oh please. Don't let your emotions get the better of you woman."

  Brewnyn stepped back in shock. Her bow dropped limply to her side. She looked toward Kaateria pleading with her eyes for help.

  Kaateria strengthened her grip on her sword's handle and stepped forward from the pack.

  "Meridtora," she started.

  "Oooh," Meridtora purred. She looked Kaateria up and down. "I like you already. So confident. It reminds me of myself."

  "You don't have to do this. Let these women have their husbands back."

  "No." Meridtora shook her head. "I just can't do that. I need them if I'm to rule the five kingdoms."

  "Your battle ends here. Today," Kaateria said.

  "You're a feisty one, huh? I'll tell you what, how about I make you a deal?"

  "How about I make you a deal instead?"

  "I'm listening," Meridtora said.

  "How about if I can defeat your best swordfighter, you'll reunite these families?"

  Meridtora pondered the idea. Or at least that was the impression she was hoping to convey.

  "You've got yourself a deal," she said, keeping a straight face.

  Kaateria nodded.

  "Oh honey, I'm sorry, but you'll never beat my best swordfighter." Meridtora giggled. Damon emerged from the pack. "Because he's not only my best, but he's the world's greatest swordfighter."

  "I know," Kaateria said dejectedly. "He wouldn't shut up about it."

  "You don't have to do this Kaateria," Brewnyn said. "We can fight them together."

  Kaateria patted Brewnyn on the shoulder. "All I ask is that if I should fall, you don't feed me to the pringxit. That you give me a proper burial."

  "If you fall, we'll all fall," Brewnyn said.

  "Then let it not be today."

  "May the Gods shine down on you."

  "And you as well."

  Brewnyn went to stand with the rest of the women who had moved even further back in order to provide Kaateria a wider berth in which to fight.

  Damon stepped away from his group. His grip tightened on the handle. He pulled his sword from his sheath.

  "Damon," Kaateria said.

  But Damon did not respond.

  Kaateria glanced at his sword.

  "Is that a...is that a penis?"

  Still more silence.

  "What's a matter? Nothing funny to say? No jokes about how a sword is basically a penis, or about my boobs or...anything?"

  "I've shut him up dear. He won't speak again," Meridtora said.

  "Wow, I didn't think it was possible. You must be very powerful."

  "The most powerful."

  Meridtora raised her head to sky and watched the sun as it continued to ascend.

  "Please Damon, get on with it. We've got a long day ahead of us still and further distances to travel before we're done."

  Damon nodded.

  He began swinging his sword. He flashed it around. Air whistled through the hole. He tossed the sword from his right hand, to his left, caught it, then flipped it back.

  Kaateria waited for the theatrics to be over.

  "Move along," Meridtora urged through gritted teeth.

  Damon charged at Kaateria. He slashed toward her stomach with the blade.

  Kaateria deflected it and leapt out of the way.

  Damon spun through and was waiting behind her, his blade at the ready. Kaateria snapped back around.

  They both stared at each other.

  "So that was your opening move, huh?" Kaateria said.

  Damon grinned. His eyes stayed locked on hers.

  Kaateria searched for some sign that he was still in there. That he recognized her. But she saw nothing.

  Then they both ran forward.

  They each slammed their blade into the other's. They momentarily locked, until Kaateria slid hers down the length of Damon's. Damon pushed his blade forward, forcing
Kaateria to take a step back.

  Katerina swung her sword at Damon's neck. He tilted his head and felt the steel give him a kiss. But no blood was drawn.

  They raced toward each other again.

  Their blades rattled as they once again became locked in an embrace. Damon and Kaateria danced as they pressed their weapons tighter against each other.

  Damon swung his blade down trapping Kaateria's on the ground. Then he quickly brought it up and Kaateria's sword went skidding across the shore.

  The women gasped.

  Meridtora clapped.

  Kaateria stood in momentary shock. Then she cartwheeled over to where the blade landed.

  Damon bore down on her, but Kaateria picked up her sword at the last moment and deflected him. She held his blade with her own as she made her way back to her feet.

  Then she punched Damon in the groin with her free hand.

  To her surprise, Damon didn't buckle. He merely grinned.

  Then he charged at her again.

  Kaateria slashed her blade. It clanged off Damon's sword. Damon stabbed, but Kaateria moved aside and his blade got nothing but air.

  They continued to dance.

  The women in the crowd gasped or cheered with each move in the fight.

  The men stood in silence. Waiting for their turn to attack. Meridtora grew impatient with how long it was taking.

  Damon and Kaateria kept going. They were fierce warriors, but even fiercer competitors. Their bodies ached. Their movements came a little slower and with less frequency. And when they did, there wasn't a lot of strength behind them.

  They paused and stared at each other. Their shoulders raising and lowering with each ragged breath.

  "You really are great," Kaateria said. Her grip loosened around her handle. And her blade clanged to the ground.

  Kaateria soon followed.

  Damon pounced on top of her.

  "Finish her," Meridtora shouted.

  Damon raised his blade above his head, ready to deliver the killing stroke.

  He brought it down as hard as he could with as little energy as he had left.

  And then he began to cry.

  Below him laid Kaateria, and she was holding her shirt up. Baring her breasts to him.

  And he drove his blade into the ground next to her.

  Kaateria let out a sigh of relief. She looked into Damon's eyes and saw that familiar playful flicker.

  "Oh Damon," she gasped.

  "They're magnificent," he blubbered.

  "Thank you," she said with a smile.

  And they were magnificent. Which was lucky for her. And Damon. They were so fantastic that when later the tale spread from kingdom to kingdom, there was no need to embellish how amazing they looked.

  "I thought you said I'd never to get to see them," Damon said through the tears.

  "Never say never," Kaateria said. They laughed. They locked eyes.

  Then they kissed. It was the kind of kiss that contained the passion of two people who were on the brink of murdering each other, but then didn't. It was hot and it was long. And it contained some tongue.

  Thankfully, it was out of view of Meridtora, Belosic, and the rest of the men.

  The women, on the other hand, could see everything. And thought Damon was kissing a dead woman. Damon was able to get away with a lot of stuff, but kissing a corpse would not have been among those things. If word got out, it would do irreparable damage to Damon's reputation.

  "Now stab me," Damon said, reluctantly pulling back from the kiss. He knew that it was getting too hard to keep up the ruse for much longer.

  "What?" Kaateria shook her head in confusion.

  "I said stab me. Pick up your sword. And stab me. Make it look good. But you know, don't make it fatal or anything."

  Kaateria still didn't entirely grasp what his plan was, but she wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to drive her sword into him. Despite the fact that she had finally dropped her defenses enough to reveal her breasts to him.

  She fumbled around in the bones for her weapon. She picked it up and stabbed Damon in the side.

  Damon gasped. The women gasped.

  Meridtora turned to Belosic.

  "What's happening over there?"

  Belosic shrugged.

  "I was thinking you'd do it a little softer than that," Damon groaned. He placed his hand to his side and pulled it back. It was covered in blood.

  "You told me to stab you and make it look good," Kaateria said.

  "We'll work on it for next time. For now, just stay down."

  Kaateria threw her head back and laid motionless along the shore.

  Damon stumbled to his feet. He kept pressing it to his side trying to stem the flow of blood. As more and more of the red liquid flowed from the wound, he wondered if there was some artery located there that he wasn't aware of.

  Meridtora saw Damon stumbling toward her, bleeding profusely. She ran over to him.

  "Oh, poor baby," Meridtora cooed. She licked the palm of her hand and then placed it on his side. And the bleeding stopped.

  "Thank you," Damon said.

  39

  Meridtora gasped. Her eyes flashed with confusion. She stumbled back.

  "Thank you," Damon repeated. "I was starting to feel a little faint."

  "You can talk?" she said in shock. "How?"

  But she didn't wait for Damon to answer as she recovered from the surprise.

  Her features hardened. She turned to Belosic and growled, "Kill him!"

  Belosic unsheathed his sword and burst toward Damon. He was pretty spry on his feet for a such large man. Belosic lifted his sword over his head and slashed down at Damon.

  Damon raised his blade to block it.

  Belosic's blade struck Damon's with a crunch and shattered into tiny pieces. Belosic threw the handle at him, which Damon easily batted aside with a swat of his blade.

  Damon whacked Belosic in the forehead with the two pommels on the bottom of his sword. Belosic slumped to his knees.

  "It's over Meridtora. Give me the ring," Damon said. He reached out his hand palm up.

  Meridtora screamed and stomped her foot. She held her arms straight along her body and her fists clenched. She leaned forward pressing her nose firmly into Damon's.

  "Oh silly boy. Silly, silly boy. It isn't over. Not yet. Not by a long shot."

  Meridtora took a step back. She raised her hand and rubbed at the stone on the ring with her other. She began to mutter an incantation. Her voice dropping low and then raising to a shriek.

  Damon wasn't sure how much more of that he could take. He also wasn't really interested in seeing what would happen if he let her do whatever it was she was planning on doing with the ring.

  Thankfully, Meridtora was too focused on rubbing the ring that she wasn't paying any attention to Damon.

  Damon flexed his arms. In one quick motion, he swung his sword up and then down hard, chopping off Meridtora's hand. Blood squirted out like a geyser, spraying the white bones on the beach red.

  Meridtora screamed. She crouched down and wrapped her handless arm in her dress.

  Damon scooped up the hand and began prying the ring from her finger.

  "No," Meridtora howled.

  Damon looked at her and felt bile rise up in his throat.

  Meridtora's black hair had turned gray. Her porcelain skin began popping up with age spots. Her teeth dropped out of her mouth. Her taut abs began forming a pooch, and the spine in her back forced her to hunch forward. Her breasts sagged to the ground below.

  Belosic shook his head as he came back to. He pushed himself up onto one knee. Then he staggered to his feet.

  Damon finally wrenched the ring loose.

  "I want it, Damon. Give it to me," Belosic roared.

  "Sorry. Not going to happen."

  And with that, Damon slipped the ring onto his own finger.

  The red lines along the band began slithering around each other. The stones each lit up one after the
other. The blood in the center began to swirl faster and faster. It became thicker until it was no longer separated, but entirely filled it. Beams of red light began shooting from the ring.

  Damon examined it, his mouth hanging open in awe.

  "What is happening?"

  "Only a legitimate heir can harness the true power of the ring," Kaateria said.

  Damon looked up from the ring to find her standing by his side.

  "Wait, so you're telling me I'm--"

  "Royalty," Kaateria, Meridtora, and Belosic all said at the same time. Only they each said it in a different way, ranging from shock to disgust.

  Damon glanced down at the ring.

  Then slipped it off his finger and heaved it into the river.

  "I don't want that kind of responsibility," Damon said with a shudder.

  Belosic and Meridtora watched as the ring hit the river and caused a ripple where it landed. They made eye contact with each other. Then they both ran for the water, slap-fighting with each other as they each tried to be the first to recover it.

  Meridtora and Belosic waded out into the river. Belosic dove in. Meridtora searched around, holding her gray hair out of her eyes. She tried to locate it with her feet.

  Then she plunged out of sight.

  And the pringxit emerged from the water with both Belosic and Meridtora clamped between its teeth. They screamed and flailed about. And as quickly as the pringxit emerged, it sank back down.

  Gandor shook his head, "Brewnyn?"

  Brewnyn raised her hand to her mouth.

  "Brewnyn!"

  He ran to her. They embraced. He lifted her from the ground and spun her around in his powerful arms.

  He set her back down and pulled the waist of his pants forward.

  "Bless the Gods," Brewnyn said. She caught her breath as she glanced in.

  Gandor looked from his waist to his wife's wide eyes.

  "I don't remember it being that big before," he said.

  "Me neither," Brewnyn said. She shook her head. She clapped her hands and started to cry tears of joy.

  The rest of the men snapped out of their reverie and ran to embrace their women as well.

  After some time, they turned to where Damon and Kaateria stood with their arms linked. They watched the happy reunions.