by Ryan Michele
We’d come too far to lose momentum now. She was everything to me. The only thing that mattered in my entire existence. To most people, they lived life from one goal to the next, but for me, everything I had ever done right in my life was in this little girl. I didn’t know what it was to truly live, feel, and experience until I realized I was pregnant. Her little heartbeat inside of my body. She had relied on me from the moment she was created in my womb to protect her and provide for her.
Me.
She depended on me.
I wouldn’t let her down.
Remy’s soft little noise filled the small space as I rocked her, holding her in my arms so tightly she couldn’t move. If it weren’t for the knocking on the door, I would’ve held her like this for hours, just feeling her.
Instead, I placed her softly in her crib and shut the door to the room. Once she was awake, she’d let me know in two seconds flat, but she didn’t need to hear any of what was about to go down.
Opening the door, Austyn stepped in as did Ryker.
“What the fuck are all these tears about?” Ryker grumbled, shutting the door and coming into the room. Absently, I tried to wipe my face. Austyn came up and wrapped her arms around me. It felt good to have a bit of comfort. I really needed her strength. They wouldn’t allow anything to happen to Remy or myself. That I knew as fact because of everything they’d done for us to this day.
Austyn pulled away and swiped at my cheeks. As much as I tried to stop the barrage of tears, they kept coming. She was hard as nails but possessed this soft heart for the ones she cared about. She was a lot like her mother in that way. They were both hard nuts to crack, but once you did, you were in for life.
Walking over and grabbing tissues, I swiped everything from my face and blew my nose, trying to suck in some deep breaths. Answers. I needed answers. “Why was Micah at the clubhouse?”
This question shocked both of them. Austyn’s mouth fell for a moment, while Ryker’s eyes turned cold, causing a chill to run up my spine. Please, God, don’t tell me that Micah is a psycho killer.
“How do you know Micah?” Ryker asked, rather than giving me my answers. Stepping forward and crossing his arms over his chest, he waited. It was in that domineering way that demanded one pay attention.
Ryker scared a lot of people. It was his intentions to provoke fear in others in his size and dark scowl alone. But Remy and I, he’d never hurt us. He’d proven that to us, but it didn’t mean he didn’t put a slight twinge of fear in the back of my head just from his stance.
Letting out a huff of air, I started, “I met him in a bar when I lived back home.”
Ryker’s brow lifted, still looking for more answers from me, and my eyes rolled as I thought back.
“It was almost three years ago. I’d snuck out of the house and met my friend Ari. Micah and I saw each other.” God, Ari, I hadn’t seen her since Katie and I left. Part of me missed her. Part of me missed other things from my previous life as well, but they weren’t to be dwelled on. That part needed to be gone. Dead and buried.
“And?” Ryker questioned, his eyes moving to slits.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “He knows me as Cyrus. We spent a night together, and I hadn't seen him again until tonight. I don’t even know his last name.”
“Tugger. His last name is Tugger,” Austyn said almost reverently, like the wheels in her head were still chugging. When her eyes lit, she knew without me having to say another word. “He’s Remy’s dad.”
Slowly my head shook, just as Ryker let out a “Fuck me,” while running his hands over his face and through his hair. Everything in the room seemed to amplify now that the secret was out.
“How do you know him? Why was he there?” I let the questions tumble from my lips. It wasn’t the time to ask about the beat-up face, but that would come soon enough. There had to be a reason this man just showed up out of nowhere and at a place where Remy and I were. It was too big of a coincidence. Shit like that didn’t just happen.
Being on edge since we left home, I always watched my surroundings. Always locked my doors. For this to happen wasn’t normal.
“Micah is Tug and Blaze’s kid. He just returned from the Marines a few weeks ago and moved back home,” Austyn announced.
Hand in the front of my hair, I stilled. Micah was part of the Ravage MC? His dad was Tug? No way. “You’re shitting me.”
“Afraid not. Another reason for me to beat the shit out of him again,” Ryker said, stunning me. While I knew Ryker was strong, I’d never seen him beat the shit, as he called it, out of anyone. I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. One part of me was warmed to the core to have him care so much that he would protect me from harm. On the other hand, I didn’t want Micah beat up, did I?
Ever since I ‘d reached out to Ryker for help, he’d been like a big brother to me, always there and helping me any way he could. We needed it badly in the beginning, and there was no way to ever repay him for his kindness.
My body shook as Sibyl and I made our way into the gas station. My older sister and I were haggard looking and only had a black garbage bag each. It was pitiful to only possess enough that one bag would hold the contents of our lives. That was the life we’d led. Simple things. Simple clothes. Simple everything.
There were only two nights I’d snuck out and let loose, but one of those nights changed everything
One night where I let go of every inhibition and threw caution to the wind. A night where I ended up pregnant. We’d escaped the house, but had nowhere to go.
“Can I use the phone please?” The clerk looked at me strangely, like I’d just jumped out of a movie or something. I knew I looked bad, but how bad was a shocker.
“Sure. You okay?” the older man asked, his gaze darting between me and my sister.
“Yes. I just need to make a call please.” I maneuvered my body so I blocked Sibyl from his view. She wasn’t to be gawked at. She might have been my older sister, but she was very new to outside life, and no one would take advantage of her.
He grabbed a cordless phone and handed it to me. “Let me know if you need anything.”
I didn’t waste time. Pulling up the sleeve of my shirt was the number I’d put there earlier in black marker.
“Where did you get it?” Sybil asked, eyeing the numbers.
“Out of Mom’s phone. I don’t know why she had it, but she did.”
I punched in the numbers and then listened to it ring. My hands became clammy, and nerves sparked everywhere with each beat that passed. He was our only hope at this point. No one at home would talk to either of us, and he was one of the few we knew who had escaped. Got away from the madness.
The seconds kept ticking by as a ball of dread hit my gut, making it stir. There was no plan B. There was nothing. Not one thing. He had to answer the phone.
Please let him answer the phone. I prayed over and over again in my head.
“Yeah,” the line picked up, and a deep male voice said on the other side. I was usually never nervous, but I was for this. What I was going to ask him was huge, and I’d probably never be able to thank him, if he chose to help us.
“Ryker, it’s Cyrus. Jeremiah’s daughter. Do you remember me?” Please let him remember me. He’d been gone for so long, and there was a chance he didn’t.
“Yeah. I remember.”
A relieved breath came out, and a small bit of weight came off my shoulders. “I need your help. Please.”
That was it. He found out my situation, set us up in a hotel, and picked us up bringing us to Sumner. I owed Ryker. So much. So, so much. More than I’d ever be able to repay him.
“Does he know about Remy?” Ryker asked me.
My head shook. “No. He doesn’t.” Fear iced my veins. I tried stilling my shaking, but it was no use. It kept coming in waves. Sure, the man was home from the service, but did that mean once he found out about Remy… “He’s not going to try to take my girl, right?”
“Fuck no,
” Ryker said adamantly. “That fucker comes near either of you, I’ll end him.”
There appeared to be no love lost between these two men. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or bad. But in the moment, I didn’t care. All that was important was keeping Remy safe.
“He can’t have her.” The words came out on trembled lips.
When my father found out I was pregnant, all hell broke loose, and it was the begging of the end.
“Cyrus the virus. Sneaking out and you end up pregnant! That was not God’s will. How am I supposed to find a suitable man for you now? No one here will want a child that isn’t theirs!” His face was beet red, fists clenched at his sides. While he spoke, small bits of spittle came flying from his lips. Furious didn’t even put a dent on how he felt.
If everything wasn’t perfect in his life, he would blow just like this.
Looking back to last night, I wished I could take back the words I told my mother in the dead of night. She heard my tears and came into my room, something she never did.
I needed someone. There was so much weighing me down, and I needed to trust someone. My mother was not that someone. That I knew, but my state of mind wasn’t the best. I wished she was the mother I’d always needed, but alas she wasn’t. She ran right to my father, telling him everything.
In that moment, I’d hated her just as much as myself for trusting her.
My father gripped my arms tightly, shaking me back and forth. “I can’t believe you!” he yelled in my face, still forcefully maneuvering me. When he threw me to the ground, I curled into a ball on the floor, for I knew what was next.
Sure enough, two kicks came to my stomach, but hit my knees and arms instead. It hurt, but I was protecting my baby. He might not have loved it, but I did.
“No man is going to want you. Not even one with fifty wives!” Kick, kick. “You’re a little slut!”
“Stop!” I cried out, tears rolling down my face. He reached down and wrenched me up off the floor, my knees buckling from the force of his kicks. It took me a moment to steady myself.
“You will never speak about this. You will never tell a soul about this … this … child. Tomorrow you will get rid of this baby.”
My eyes widened. Never ever was a child ‘gotten rid of’ in our family. We had thirty-three brothers and sisters, for Pete’s sakes. It wasn’t in our scripture to terminate a pregnancy. Never did I think my father would choose this path. Try to take my baby from me, yes. Kill it. No way.
“Why?”
The slap to the face hit me hard as I fell to my knees on the concrete floor. “You’ll ruin our name. My name. We can’t have that. You were a prize to potential suitors; no respectable man would ever want to marry you now.
His precious name was gold around here. He could do anything he wanted and get away with it. But this would put all of that power and control in jeopardy. He wasn’t willing to risk any of it. He’d do whatever it took to protect his name, even ‘taking care’ of my baby.
All of his children were to be married off to other men in our community. It was prestigious to marry one of us. A sign from God to carry on our last name. An honor for them to mix their blood with ours.
It was all a bunch of garbage. A big stink-infested pile of trash.
“Your mother will take you out of state and get you handled. You do not come back into this house with that ‘thing’ inside of you.”
With that, he turned and left the room. My mother said nothing as she followed him out.
It was that night, I knew my baby and I had to get out of there. We did.
Micah couldn’t take my baby from me. My body felt as though I were standing in a fire as I burned with dread. My chest hurt as my hand flew up to grasp it. This couldn’t be a heart attack, could it?
Spots began to form behind my eyelids as I became lightheaded. Scenarios ran through my brain, and none of them were good. They all ended with Micah taking my little girl for me.
No. No. No. That couldn’t happen.
“Are you okay?” Austyn asked, guiding me onto the couch. I sat with my head hanging as I tried desperately not to let the darkness overtake me.
“He can’t know about Remy. He’s not on the birth certificate, and as far as he knows, we just slept together. We need to keep it that way.” Then something hit me as my thoughts kept rumbling.
“This means that Tug and Blaze are her grandparents?” My eyes widened with shock as I ran through our time here in Sumner. Blaze had watched Remy on a couple of occasions, and Remy knew both of them from the clubhouse.
Tears welled in my eyes. My girl had grandparents, something that I never thought would be possible for her. Two more people to love her. I’d known them since we got here, and they were great people.
It was a tug of war. While I was so happy, she had grandparents; the flip side of that meant I’d have to tell Micah.
“Talk to me,” Austyn ordered as Ryker looked up at the ceiling; for what reason, I didn’t know, nor did I have the time to process.
“I never thought that Remy would have grandparents. My parents disowned me. Even after everything it hurts that they won’t know their granddaughter. But she has family now, and they don’t even know it.”
“Does that mean you’re going to tell them?” Austyn asked.
My head shook. “No… Yes… I don’t know. It’s all too confusing right now.” I swiped my face, getting the wetness off. “It’s all just too much.” The energy just came pouring out of me.
“I get that,” Austyn replied. “But you gotta know, we won’t let anything happen to you or Remy. Hell, not Katie either. You are family, and we protect family. Now this Micah stuff is rough, but we’ll all make this work. No one is taking anyone anywhere, and this is all new and fresh. Sleep on it. Digest it. You still don’t want to tell him, that’s fine. We’ll stand by you. Know we have your back.”
This I knew, but the fear of losing my baby girl was almost too much to bear.
“Processing it means I have to think longer on it. Which, I’m serious, will probably put me in the hospital with heart failure because it’s pumping so hard a damn cheetah couldn’t keep up with it,” I rambled, needing to let all this junk out of me. This pain. Panic. Fear. Restlessness.
I had to get up and move again, so I started pacing the room. My voice kept changing octaves as my words came out in weird rushes. “If we have to leave, where would we go? How could we start all over again? We have great jobs and a nice place. I can’t…”
Chewing on my thumbnail, I was making record time for dashes across my small apartment. Maybe I could be in Guinness Book of World Records or whatever.
That was it. I was certifiable.
“He’ll want to see her because that’s my lot in life. Everything I love being taken away. My childhood. Family. All of it. Poof…”
My strides were becoming longer, making the back and forth shorter than before. Before I could think better of it, I was at the other end to turn around.
Not looking up, I ran right into something, stopping me in my tracks. My head lifted and I realized it was Austyn, as her hands rested on my shoulders.
“Breathe, Ensley. You’re gonna pass out, if you keep this shit up.”
Tears came once again, and this time they cascaded over, falling down my cheeks and to the floor. Austyn wrapped me tight in her arms and held me close.
I couldn’t stop the rivers of salt. It was so bad that when the hiccups kicked in, I turned into a blubbering mess. My face buried in her neck, and she didn’t move an inch as my tears, snot, and whatever else could come out of a person got all over her.
Never did she flinch. Never did she step away. She held me tight, letting me get everything out with no judgment. It was one of the best gifts anyone had ever given me.
How long we stood like that, I had no clue. My body heat started to regulate. My tears were simmering down. My nose wasn’t running as much, but the hiccups wouldn’t go away.
I pulled
out of Austyn’s embrace, seeing the absolute mess I’d left her shirt in. “Well, I can Shout it out for ya.”
Austyn smiled wide. “All good. I’ll have Ryker do the laundry.”
“That ain’t happenin,’” Ryker said from the couch. “You good now?”
Walking across the room, I grabbed a box of Kleenex and went to town on my nose and face. Swiping under my eyes, black showed up on the tissue. This meaning I had coon eyes and would scare the shit out of people.
Whatever.
“Good? That’s yet to be determined. But I’ve worked damn hard protecting my little girl since the moment I found out I was pregnant; I won’t stop now or ever. I may be scared shitless. I may lose my shit now and again. But I’ll do anything and everything to protect my little girl.”
And I would. Until my dying breath.
12
Micah
“What the fuck, man?” Cooper had his arms around my chest, while Deke stood in front of me. Nox, Green, and Jacks stood behind Deke. There was no getting out of the clubhouse with these men blocking my path. I didn’t want to hurt her. In fact, I wanted to spend time with her. It had been years, but she was always in the back of my mind.
One moment Cyrus was in front of me, the next she was gone like she'd evaporated into thin air. Then these guys were in my face and all over me like white on rice. Who was she to Ravage that they would act like this?
I just wanted to talk to her. She’d been in my dreams since the night we spent together. Now she was here in the flesh, and they wouldn’t let me near her? Why? Surely they weren’t protecting her from me, but the more I looked at the men, the more I came to the realization that yes, they were. Why? What in the hell was going on?
Not only that, there was this pull to her. This part of me that wanted to knock every single one of these men down on the ground and go after her. A cosmic pull? Hell, I had no idea, but it was something. More than anything in this world, I wanted to go after her.
“Chill. Ryker said to keep you here. Any reason why?” Cooper asked, making it clear he was as clueless as me about the situation. There were many possibilities for why he wanted me to stay at the clubhouse, but my gut told me he was protecting Cyrus. I didn’t spend years fighting as a Marine and not learn to go with my instincts.
