“Isn’t that what you’ve been saying?” she asked. “Stardust and dust.”
He watched her, his eyes almost black.
“You’re the same as the rest of them,” she said.
Rafael’s gaze moved to his lap. A muscle in his shoulder twitched under his thin shirt. “I guess I am.”
“Then that leaves me in the same place I always am. Alone.”
He lifted his head and looked at her as if searching for an ancient code to unlock her secrets. “Could you really love a man like me?”
“How could I not? You get me. You make me laugh. You make me feel safe. I don’t feel the need to apologize for everything I do because you seem to like me just the way I am. Other than your stubborn resistance to the idea that we could be anything more than sex buddies for the next three weeks, you’re the perfect man for me. Anyway, you don’t get to decide if I could love you. I decide that.”
Sex buddies. That’s all this was. Sex. Pepper had warned her about Rafael. Here she was, doing the same thing she always did.
I can’t do this. Not again. I’m setting myself up to fall in love with the wrong man.
What would she tell Pepper in this situation? Run. Run now. It was time she started loving herself as much as she loved Pepper and Maggie. The cycle of self-hatred must stop.
Why was she like this?
The words her mother spoke so long ago echoed through her mind. You took more of your share and left nothing for your brother.
“Oh my God,” she whispered. All these years she’d been apologizing for being born. It was always about David, not her. Her mother’s golden boy. From the beginning the focus had been to ensure he thrived. What message had that given Lisa? She didn’t matter.
“Lisa, what is it?”
She looked over at Rafael as a giant weight lifted from her.
“When David and I were born, he was very small. The doctors weren’t sure he was going to make it. I was big for a twin and completely healthy. The staff and my parents pushed me aside to focus on David. Months went by before he was big enough to go home. I see now that set the precedent for the rest of our childhood. They almost lost him, so they loved him more. My mother blamed me for his fragility. Because I thrived, he almost died.”
“I don’t understand,” Rafael said.
“My mother told me I was the reason my brother was born so tiny. I took all the food for myself and left nothing for him. Those were her exact words.” Lisa fought against the lump in her throat, wanting desperately to tell Rafael the entire story. “She told me that right after she opened the school photo package.”
“The one you showed me?” he asked.
“Yes. She pointed at my double chin and told me the food compulsion started in the womb.” Lisa let the tears fall from her eyes. It was essential to her survival to share the truth. She could no longer bury the pain. “The message was loud and clear. I was a pig who took…who takes more than my share. It’s painfully obvious to me now. I’ve been apologizing for being born my entire life, settling for scraps instead of a full meal. Embarrassed by my mere existence, for my voracious appetite. For everything. That has to change. As much as I want to be with you, I can’t agree to setting myself up for the aftermath. Not now. The last thing I need is a broken heart. And you’re the man to give me one.”
“You said it didn’t have to mean anything,” he said. “Those were your words.”
“Even if I wanted that, it would be impossible. That’s not how I’m made. The more time I spend with you, the more I like you. I’m falling for you. All it would take is a nudge from you and I’m finished.”
“A nudge?” His eyes had softened from black to brown.
She spoke just above a whisper. The words slid from her tongue easily now. Truth unleashed at last. “Yes, a nudge. That’s the pitiful part. A few insincere hints of a future, or an empty promise, and I’d fall in love with you. I’d convince myself that you would eventually love me if I was good enough, or tried harder, like I’ve done too many times before. Tonight, I finally understand. I must love myself more than I want you. That means walking away from a man who warns me of the aftermath before he takes me to bed. Honestly, Rafael, getting involved with you—knowing you’ll break my heart in the end—is just stupid. I don’t want to be stupid any longer. I don’t want to apologize for my presence or beg you to love me. That’s what I’ve done since the moment I was born. I can’t do it any longer.” She uncurled her legs and leaped to her feet. “Thank you for helping me realize this. I should go to my room now.”
He stood and grabbed her hand. “You’re right about me. I’ve got a giant chip on my shoulder. I’m broke. Uneducated. I’ve done things in my past I’m ashamed of—that haunt me. I look at you and see everything good and I feel unworthy. You’re right, that’s on me. We’re the same, apologizing for even being here.”
“I told you we were the same,” she whispered.
“I know you did.” He cupped her face in his hands. “You would never have to beg me to notice you or do anything other than be exactly who you are for me to love you. I want to give you a feast every single day. Not scraps. Never scraps. This desire to give you the world is why I’ve been questioning whether I’m worthy of you.”
She almost gasped when she lifted her eyes to his. “I’ve never had anyone look at me the way you are right now. To me, that is a feast.” The insecurities and doubts that influenced his judgment were mirror images of her own. “I know what it is to feel not enough. But you’re enough for me just as you are.”
“I adore you. Plain and simple. Not because you’re all put together in a glossy package, but because of your heart. You’re right. I’m no better than those other guys who let you down because they weren’t man enough to be with a woman like you. I’m an idiot most of the time. My baggage is mighty. My demons are of the darkest kind. But if you want me—if you see past all that to the man I am—then I’m here. Not as a sex buddy, but a man who adores you and wants nothing more than to be in your presence for as long as you’ll have me.”
Hope rose from the depths of the dark pit where self-loathing ruled supreme. She imagined the ravenous mouths of her own demons grasping at the swells of love that coursed through her. They were too late. Hope and love and courage slashed their greedy mouths and stomped their black hearts. Hope would win today.
No matter how hard hatred worked, evil forces had never been able to squelch love. Even after death, love given and received remained, lingering in whispers of the sea breeze against skin, or in the scent of a wildflowers in a meadow, or the giggles of a baby.
Her thoughts turned to the families and friends who lost loved ones on that terrible day. She prayed silently that they could feel their loved ones near them, reassuring them that hope remained. That love won in the end.
She traced the faint lines near Rafael’s eyes that told the stories of a past that haunted him. “Let me love away your demons.”
“Yes, my angel,” he whispered. “Yes.”
He scooped her into his arms and carried her into the bedroom.
11
Rafael
* * *
The next morning, he crept out of bed, careful not to wake Lisa. If he lingered, he wasn’t sure he could keep his hands off her, and she needed sleep. They hadn’t done much of that last night. Smiling to himself, he grabbed his clothes and padded out of the room and across the suite to his room.
Out in the main room, he stood at the window and ate an apple from the basket on the table. A layer of smog hung low over the city and dimmed the morning sun. In the distance, brown hills were like camel humps.
Last night with Lisa had been the best night of his life. He wouldn’t forget the details any time soon. Her creamy back arched in response to his touch. The sound of her throaty moan. Her long legs wrapped around him. There was a chemistry between them he’d never come close to experiencing. But it was more than just the physical. There was a soul connection between them. One
that moved him more than he could say. Not that he wouldn’t spend a lifetime trying.
He sank to his knees and prayed by the window. Thank you, God, for sending my angel.
Last night, when she’d challenged him, the truth had come swiftly. He was like the men he despised. Because of it, he was about to lose the potential for happiness. What chance did he have if he wasn’t brave enough to stand up and be counted?
In that moment, he’d asked God a simple question. Could this woman really love me? An answer came back, clear and concise.
It is not whether she can love you, but if you love yourself enough to be vulnerable.
He’d known then that love would never be his if he didn’t shake the boulder off his shoulder and open his arms to the loveliest woman he’d ever met. She was right. It wasn’t up to him to decide if she could love him. It seemed that God had decided for him.
Now he thanked him for the answer. I vow from this moment forward to be less of an idiot.
Had he just heard God laughing?
I’ll try to be less of an idiot?
He dressed in his running clothes and left a note on the table in case Lisa woke before he returned.
Out for a run. Back by ten.
It was a Sunday, he realized, as he started out on the quiet street. His earbuds provided music as he steadily increased his speed until he was at his usual comfortable pace. On days he ran, he usually kept it under five miles. His days of long runs were in the past. Knees didn’t last forever.
He ran out of the commercial area and into a residential neighborhood of houses as big as city blocks. Man, this neighborhood was crazy rich. What were the people like who lived in these places? Were they all movie people in one capacity or another? Lisa should live in one with her billionaire husband. The thought of her with anyone but him made him want to puke.
Less of an idiot.
He would fight for her. That was all. If she walked away, so be it. He would have tried. It was like she’d said about giving up her dreams and moving back to Iowa. Giving up on my dreams made me more miserable than any of my past failures. One thing he knew after last night. He had a fighting chance. There was a soul connection between them that was undeniable, that felt like the missing piece of the puzzle of his life.
Two and a half miles later, he turned to retrace his steps. A man, not far behind him, also turned to run the opposite direction. What were the odds they were running the same route? His cop radar went up for a moment, until he remembered where he was. There were probably numerous runners on a Sunday morning in Beverly Hills. He continued back toward the hotel. After another mile, he looked behind him. The same guy with the bushy brown hair and pink running shoes ran about ten feet behind him. What man wore pink shoes? Only in LA.
He finished his run, slowing about a block from the hotel. Good, the guy with the pink shoes was no longer behind him. No reason why it should, but something about the guy bugged him. He’d followed a little too closely, making him suspicious. No, it was fine. This was just his old cop instincts rearing their ugly head. Being here in LA brought back too many memories.
He stopped next to a wide eucalyptus tree and placed his hands on the rough trunk to stretch his calves. There were the pink shoes again, jogging toward him. Rafael hid behind the tree, watching. Those shoes didn’t exactly make him incognito. The guy’s chest heaved. Sweat poured down his reddened face. Had he been trying to catch up with him? Maybe he was one of those super-competitive types. Although he didn’t look like an athlete, given his beer belly and those spindly legs. He was now a half block away. Rafael watched as he slowed his pace to a walk and turned in a circle as if searching for something. Or someone? Was the man looking for him? Had he been following him?
The hair on the back of his neck stood up. This jerk better not be sniffing around to get a glimpse of Lisa. He’d confront him. Make sure she didn’t have her first stalker. When the pink-shoed man was a couple feet away, Rafael jumped out to the sidewalk.
The guy almost tripped on his silly shoes.
“Are you following me?” Rafael asked.
Still breathing hard, the guy shook his head. “No, man. I’m not from around here. Didn’t want to get lost, so I kept you in my sight.”
“So technically you were following me.”
The guy went belligerent in zero to sixty. “You think I’m queer or something?” He spit. “You got me pegged for someone else, pretty boy.”
Pretty boy? Wait a second now.
Rafael drew closer. His fingers itched to pull this mouthy, out-of-shape imbecile up by the collar and give him a good talking-to. Stay calm. You’re a civilian now. “I thought it was weird you were right behind me the whole time, that’s all.”
“You don’t have your weapon with you? Now that you’re not a cop you run without one. Good to know.”
“Excuse me?”
“You don’t recognize me, do you?”
“I can’t say that I do.” Obviously, he knew Rafael and that he used to be with the LAPD.
“You killed my brother. You remember that?”
Killed my brother. Then it clicked. This was the brother of the armed robber at the convenience store that ended his career.
“I picketed the police station every day for months,” he said. “Nothing worked. You still got off. They gave you a medal for killing an innocent man.”
“Your brother was hardly innocent. He was robbing an innocent man,” Rafael said.
“Those people come here to our country and take our jobs, then we’re supposed to bend over as they take over our neighborhoods? My brother had been out of work for a year. He was frustrated. America forgot him.”
“And he decides to rob a convenience store? That’s a heck of a way to deal with his frustration.”
The man lunged at him. “I saw you last night at the fancy party with that gorgeous piece of ass, eating shrimp peeled by working schmucks like me.” Drops of spittle flew from his mouth. “You get that and my brother’s dead.”
Rafael backed up, thinking through what the man had just revealed. He knew where they were staying at the hotel. Had he followed them somehow? “How’d you know where I was?”
“I told you. I worked that party last night. You in that monkey suit parading around like you belong with those people when you’re nothing but a killer.”
“You followed us here?”
“You’re a genius, Detective.”
“Did you wait out here for me all night?”
“I came by this morning, figuring you and the skinny bitch would come out eventually. I got lucky when it was just you. Unarmed.”
“What do you want?”
“Nothing. I came by to say hello. Remind you what you did. I’m Billy.” He pulled a photograph out of his pocket and dangled it in front of Rafael’s face. “This here is my mother and my brother and me before you wrecked our family.” The photo was of a young mother and two little boys. “You broke her heart. Live with that.”
Too bad she’d raised a couple of thugs. He felt guilty about a few things. This was not one of them.
“Goodbye, Billy,” Rafael said.
“Yeah, sure. I said what I needed to say. I hope you burn in hell.”
Rafael turned away and started toward the entryway of the hotel, his shoulders tense, fully expecting the guy to pull out a gun. A quick glance back confirmed Billy was still there, with his arms resting on his fat belly. Guns don’t care if you’re in shape. If he has one and wants to use it on me, I’m screwed.
He sighed with relief when he reached the doorway to the hotel. Two bellboys nodded at him as he crossed through the sliding glass doors into the cool lobby. He went to the window and looked back to where Billy had stood. He was gone.
Rafael lingered, thinking through what to do. Should he report Billy to his old buddies down at the station? Have them look into him? What if he was dangerous? If he wanted Rafael dead, that put Lisa in danger. He couldn’t have that. Himself, maybe, but not
her. The last thing she needed was someone shooting at them.
He went upstairs and showered, then ordered some breakfast. A quick look into Lisa’s room told him she was still asleep. It was after ten, but they’d been up until at least four doing things to each other he’d like to repeat as soon as possible. She needed a good rest.
Next, he called his old partner. Ray was the best—salt of the earth and tough as they come, but with a heart like a marshmallow. They got together whenever Rafael came to LA. He’d been wrapped up in Lisa or he would have already called him to meet him for a beer.
Ray answered on the first ring. “Hey, man, how the heck are you?”
“I’m in town for a few days.”
“Awesome. You have time for a drink?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure of my schedule. I’m working security for a client, so it kind of depends on what she needs. But hey, I have a favor.”
“Shoot.”
He filled Ray in on the details of his strange encounter. “Honestly, I don’t know if the guy’s dangerous or if he just wanted to shake me up by showing up here. Whatever the reason, he successfully rattled me. The guy had this look in his eyes like he wants me dead.”
“How the heck did this freak find you?” Ray asked.
“That’s a little complicated.” He went on to explain about Lisa and the party.
“This nut saw you at this party and followed you back to the hotel?”
“Basically, yes.”
“Well, crap. That isn’t good, brother. I’m on my way in now. I’ll do a little digging to see if he has priors or dangerous behavior. I’ll call you later. Meantime, watch your back.”
“Will do.”
He hung up just as room service arrived. Shoving his phone in his back pocket, he sprinted over to answer the door, hungry despite his tense encounter.
While he ate a delicious plate of French toast and a side of sausages, he contemplated whether to tell Lisa about the morning’s events. In general, he believed that transparency and honesty were important qualities, especially when it came to Lisa. This, however, was a unique circumstance. He didn’t want her to be even more frightened of the crowds tonight than she already was. On the other hand, there was a possibility Billy could show up again.
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