by A M Burns
“It’s nothing. Just something to pass the time,” Adrian quietly said, drawing Finn’s thoughts away from the picture of Singer.
Finn shook his head. “You shouldn’t downplay yourself like that. She looks pretty real right there, so I think you’re doing a good job.”
Adrian blushed and ducked his head a bit, hiding himself away. “Thanks. Um… if you want to see more of it or something, not that you have to or anything, but if you wanted to, there’s an anniversary potluck dinner here next weekend, and some of my paintings will be there. I’m hoping that a few people will bid on them to raise a little money for the rescue.”
Finn definitely wanted to be there for that. Maybe he could convince his mom to make her barbecue pulled pork. Then everyone could have some sliders. “I’d like to see more of your work.”
Adrian bit his lip and looked like he wanted to say something, but then he turned a few pages in his sketchbook and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “It’s not good or anything since it was just a quick sketch, but I thought maybe you might like it. If you don’t, though, that’s okay too. I mean, it’s not a big deal either way. I just… here.”
He shoved the paper into Finn’s hands. He had no idea what to say, especially when he opened the folded paper and saw a drawing of him and Ivan playing with the wolf cubs from the other day. Like the picture of Singer, there was some kind of sparkle to it. Adrian said it wasn’t a big deal, but to Finn it was. That Adrian had taken the time and effort to draw him in one of his happiest moments at the center so far, was important to him. He put his arm around Adrian’s shoulder and gave him a sideways hug. “Thank you.”
“You like it?”
Finn took his arm back. “Yeah. I do. It’s great.” That made Adrian blush even more. The most time and attention to detail had clearly been spent on Ivan as he smiled and petted one of the cubs, while the other jumped on his shoulder. Finn remembered laughing with him in that moment. “You really like him, don’t you?”
“Ivan? Yeah. He’s my best friend and a great guy. It’s hard not to. How was the meteor shower last night? I wish I could have gone.”
Now it was Finn’s turn to blush as he looked down at the drawing in his hands. “It was cool. Adrian? Do you…?” He struggled with how to say what he wanted. “Do you want to date Ivan?”
Adrian put his sketchbook away into his backpack, and Finn was sure he’d said the exact wrong thing, but then Adrian turned toward him on the bench. “Maybe before, when I first met him. But things changed. Not for him. He’s always been the same Ivan. But I’m not the same, and I’m not the kind of guy Ivan should be with. He wouldn’t be happy with me.”
“Huh?” Finn had no idea what Adrian was getting at, and his words were just adding to the mystery of who he was instead of answering any of Finn’s questions about him.
Adrian frowned and rested his head on his knees as he looked up at Finn. “Do you ever get the feeling like maybe you’re too weird… or too strange to be loved? Like everyone else is normal, but there’s something different and wrong inside of you that makes you just not lovable?”
Finn quickly shook his head, but he was starting to worry about Adrian if he thought that about himself. “No. Do you?”
Shrugging, Adrian looked away from him. “Sometimes. Ivan called me this morning and told me how he kissed you and how you were afraid we were together. I want you to know we’re not, and we never were… or will be.” When he turned to look back at Finn there was a definite sadness in his eyes. “And also if you guys are together now, that’s great. I’m happy for you.”
Finn was glad Adrian felt that way, but he and Ivan weren’t Finn’s concern right then. He was far more worried about what Adrian had said, but he didn’t know how to comfort him, or even what to say to him, when he had no idea what was wrong with him to begin with. “Thanks. There’s someone out there for you too. Someone nice and….” What else did Adrian like in people? Finn couldn’t think of anything Adrian had said or done that might have given him a clue. He was still sorting out his own feelings on things. “Funny?”
Adrian smiled at him, though it was little more than the lifting of his lips. “I like nice and funny. And if he was loaded and liked horses, that would be good too.”
Well that answered one of Finn’s questions about him. Finn smiled at Adrian’s attempt at lightening the situation.
“You should probably get to your group,” Adrian reminded him. “They’re starting to look like they realized you aren’t with them.”
Finn looked over his shoulder, and sure enough the loudmouth know-it-all from his training session was waving to him. “Ugh. That guy.” He turned back to Adrian. “See you later?”
He nodded. “Of course. I’ll be here for the party at the very least. I’ll make some cookies.”
Finn wanted to go spend time with the wolves, but he also wanted to stay and talk to Adrian for a while too. He couldn’t do both, though, and he had a responsibility to the center. He got off the bench and folded the drawing back up so it would fit in his pocket. “See you soon.”
Adrian bent down to retrieve his sketchbook. “Yep. Have fun.”
Finn started backing away now that the guy was calling his name. “Yeah. You too.” Adrian waved to him as Finn turned around and took off toward the pen and the guy who clearly needed to learn some patience before his head fell off.
It was hard for Finn to concentrate on what was going on around him as he thought about what Adrian had said. Everyone deserved to be loved. He was sure there was nothing in this world that could make Adrian different enough to have that not be true.
In between cleaning cages, he texted Ivan What’s going on with Adrian?
His text was vague. He knew it would have been better to be able to see and talk to him, but he hadn’t seen him since Ivan had dropped him off that morning before dawn. He’d crawled into bed and gotten as many hours of sleep as he could possibly manage before he had to get up to come to the center. He wasn’t functioning fully at all, but he was doing the best he could. His best wasn’t very good. He kept running into things.
Ivan texted back. Don’t know. Is he sick or something?
Finn put the pitchfork aside that he’d been using to clean up a pen and brushed off the nasty look the know-it-all gave him as soon as he took out his phone. He wasn’t in charge—Ivan’s mother was—but this guy had apparently appointed himself leader of their little group. Too many more of his dirty looks and snapping comments and Finn would toss him into the wheelbarrow full of wolf scat.
He said he doesn’t think he’ll ever find anyone to love him. I’m worried, Finn texted back to him.
Ivan’s response came before he could put his phone away. Unfortunately, the guy chose that moment to yell at him. “If you’re not going to help and would rather be on your phone, then maybe you should just leave!” Everyone was looking at Finn now too. It was obvious he’d had his phone out since it was still in his hand.
“I’m talking to Ivan about wolf things,” Finn half lied. “And if you have a problem with me, then go tell Mr. or Mrs. Dubovasky. You aren’t the boss, and we were in the same training session, so back off.”
The guy’s face went red, but before he could yell at Finn again, Ivan came into the pen. “Hey, I need your help with something. You can leave the rest of this for them.”
Finn was happy to be freed from dealing with the guy as he followed Ivan out of the pen and made sure to lock it up tight behind him. “Thanks for that. I don’t like him.”
They went into the trailer that served as the office and then into the back room where the cubs were out. Adrian sat in the middle of the floor playing with them. He looked uncertainly up at them.
“He is a jerk,” Ivan agreed. “But you can’t be on your phone while you’re volunteering. Not even to talk to me.”
Finn nodded. He’d remember that. “Sorry. Won’t happen again.”
Ivan shrugged. “Not my rule. I just don’t want you
to get in trouble with my parents. I like having you here.”
“I like being here.” Finn looked over at Adrian. “Hey.”
Adrian nodded to him. “Hi.”
“Finn’s worried about you,” Ivan said, making Adrian look away and back at the cub currently chewing on the sole of his shoe. “It’s not my tale to tell—it’s yours.”
Adrian carefully lifted the cub and started gently rubbing its head. “If you two are going to start dating, it’s okay for you to tell him.” His voice was soft, with an almost sad tone to it like before.
Ivan sat next to Adrian and put an arm across his shoulders. “He’s your friend too. Friends are important. Isn’t that what you’re always saying?” Ivan pulled Finn down to sit with Adrian and the cubs. “We’ve talked about how we both like Finn, that he’s different from the kids around here. More like us.”
Finn tried to understand what Ivan was going on about. “What do you mean? Is Adrian gay? And I have never been attracted to a guy before you.”
The white cub clamored into Finn’s lap and demanded attention. It forced Finn to look away from Ivan. He began absently petting it.
“He’s right, he’s not gay.” Ivan frowned. “Did my kiss last night freak you out? I’m sorry. I was kinda seeing how you’d react. I thought it was a good kiss, even if it was a little quick.”
“It was a good kiss.” Finn shrugged. “It was the first time I’ve been kissed by a guy. I’ve kissed girls before, but it never felt as good as your kiss did.”
Ivan’s frown turned into a beaming smile, but he didn’t say anything as Finn continued.
“To be honest, I’m a little confused. I really like you—both of you.” Finn paused and swallowed. “I’ve never had friends like you guys. I want to figure things out.”
A deep chuckle came out of Adrian. He grinned at Ivan. “Wow, we had this discussion a while back. It’s what helped me put all the dots into place.”
Finn gestured for him to continue. He had the sudden hope of being able to get a greater understanding of Adrian.
“Yeah we did,” Ivan said. “I just hope that Finn doesn’t come to the same realization you did. That might give me a real complex.”
Adrian patted Ivan’s hand. “You of all people should understand we don’t always have any choice in who or how we love. It’s not your fault. If anything I should blame my parents for my genes, but they’d never understand that.”
The white cub curled up in Finn’s lap and chewed on its own tail. Finn stroked its back, and it slowly drifted off to sleep. “This isn’t answering any questions. Or if it is, the poor little Texas boy just isn’t getting it. Honestly, there’s been a lot flying at me the past day.” He looked at Ivan and realized he hadn’t said anything about if Adrian knew about him being a werewolf or not.
“Well.” Adrian let out a long sigh drawing attention back to him. “To be blunt, I’m asexual. Although I like the term ace—it sounds cooler.”
“Asexual?” Finn ran the term through his head, and all he could come up with was worms using asexual reproduction.
“Right.” Adrian picked up the darker cub, and it licked his face. “It means I’m really not attracted to anyone sexually. Not boys or girls.” He patted Ivan’s leg. “Ivan’s a real catch, so if I was going to date someone, I can definitely say I’d latch on to him and not let go.”
The comment brought a chuckle from Ivan. “Thanks. You realize that makes you sound like a tick.” He glanced from Adrian to Finn. “So that’s why you’re not going to get any grief from Adrian about us dating. He’s my best friend and just wants me to be happy.”
Suddenly everything fell into place for Finn. Adrian’s comments made sense. “Is this why the cromags at school give you problems?”
“They’re low intellects. Do they need a reason to give people grief other than they happen to be different?” Adrian asked. “They see me as weaker than they are. I’m a target. I’m just lucky to have Ivan around.”
Finn reached over the cub between them and laid a hand on Adrian’s knee. “And me. I may not be in Ivan’s league for being big and imposing, but I’ll be there for you. You’re my friend too.”
Adrian pressed his lips together for a moment. “Thanks.” His voice cracked slightly as he touched Finn’s hand. “Most people don’t understand.”
“So you’ve told a lot of folks?” Finn asked. He was still trying to understand. He’d had enough biology and talked to enough people in school to understand that people were born how they were born, but he’d never run into anyone who was asexual.
“No.” Adrian shook his head. “Just Ivan. Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve talked to people online. Most of them say it would be easier if they were gay or a lesbian. People would understand that faster. Folks just think it’s odd not to have any sexual urges. That doesn’t mean I don’t need hugs and care when life gets hard, but I don’t have the need to have sex. I haven’t found anyone, male or female, who turns me on. Dating, though, and romance—I’d like that someday. A guy who likes horses and doesn’t mind when I tune out for hours on a drawing. But finding someone like that who doesn’t want sex isn’t exactly going to be easy. I know that. And dating me wouldn’t be fair to someone like Ivan who does want to have a more physical relationship.”
Finn tried to understand. All his life he’d been told it was proper for him to be attracted to girls. However, he’d felt his heart pound harder than any time in his life when Ivan kissed him. It raised a lot of confusing questions, but he had no doubt he wanted to be sexually active with someone. He wanted to explore and find out what was right for him. With the two girls he’d gone out with in Austin, he hadn’t really been excited, even when they’d been making out after school. Ivan sparked something inside him, and Finn wanted to learn more. He couldn’t imagine going through life without that pounding in his chest and the light-headed feeling that raced through him. There wasn’t a doubt in his mind that when he actually had sex, the feeling would be even more intense.
Ivan hugged Adrian. “See, it gets easier, doesn’t it? I told you Finn would understand.”
Adrian swallowed and nodded. “Yes, you did.” He looked at Finn. “Thank you for that.”
Finn squeezed Adrian’s knee. He thought about moving closer and joining the hug, but the cub in his lap stopped him. “I guess we’re going to be our own little pack, aren’t we?”
A huge grin spread across Ivan’s face. “I like the sound of that. We’re a pack.”
Adrian set his head on Ivan’s shoulder. Soft, silent tears trickled down his face. “A pack.”
The white cub wiggled and bounded out of Finn’s lap to attack her sisters. Finn took the opening to lean forward and join the hug. “A pack.” It felt right with his arms around the other two. Ivan kissed Adrian on the cheek, then kissed Finn on the lips. A feeling of rightness swelled up in Finn.
Ivan looked around for a bit, then nodded, seeming to come to a conclusion. "I told Finn, about me,"
Adrian froze. "That's huge."
Finn felt like it was too. "I'm not freaking out at least though. I mean, so what if my world just got bigger. It's okay." He looked at Adrian and decided to take the plunge with him as well. "And I sort of have visions. My grandmother had them too, though I'm definitely no where near as skilled as she was. I get fuzzy images. Like a shadow around a person kind of. I'm not great at explaining it. And it's not cool at all. Not like being able to turn into a wolf is."
Adrian licked his lips. "So...sometimes what I draw comes alive. Just for a few seconds. And it's not like it's really alive. It's like this form that bounces around a bit. Or slithers or whatever it does. And it's only animals."
Finn laughed and bumped shoulders with Adrian. "That's actually really cool."
Adrian blushed. "It is?"
"It definitely is," Ivan said, echoing what Finn was thinking.
Finn pulled out the picture Adrian had given him earlier and unfolded it. “There’s little spark
les in this. Is it part of your magic?” He looked closer and sure enough, the sparkles were just around the cubs, but he felt like there was something around the three of them too.
Adrian looked at the picture and blinked. “I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t know much about my magic, if that’s what you want to call it.”
“What else would you call it?” Ivan smiled. “We’ve all got our own little bit of magic. That’ll make us a great pack.”
A simple sense of rightness filled Finn’s chest. He really liked the idea of being part of a pack, particularly with Ivan and Adrian.
9
By Monday morning Finn had spent more than three hours looking up just what asexual meant. Adrian wasn’t a worm, but Finn was having a hard time separating what he knew scientifically and what he’d been reading on forums. The only thing he knew for certain was what Adrian had told him: he didn’t have an interest in sex. Finn wasn’t like that, but he didn’t think anything less of him for being different. He still had plenty of questions, though.
Since he’d been running late that morning and missed meeting Ivan and Adrian in their usual spot by the water fountain between their lockers, the first time Finn got to ask any questions was in PE. So far PE had been okay—not that Finn minded, but he wondered what all the fuss had been about Adrian needing them both there with him. Maybe he’d just wanted the company.
Finn quickly realized what made PE halfway tolerable, besides having his two best friends in the class with him, was the fact that Channing and Esteban hadn’t been there before. Finn figured the brothers must have changed their schedule at some point when he heard them laughing as he entered the locker room. But he wished it hadn’t been so soon after he’d found out Adrian’s secret. He wanted to be able to ask Adrian his questions in private. He saw Adrian cringe as Esteban continued to laugh loudly from deeper in the locker room. “Hey,” Finn said to Adrian and Ivan.
