by Ciara Knight
I swallowed hard.
“And Mary, it won’t be much longer. I know my baby will be here soon, so go home. Figure out what you really want or leave us alone.”
Her words stung worse than any smack or slap or punch from the hand of my late husband ever had in the history of our marriage.
Chapter Fifteen
Jeb stood at the edge of the barn with his hat pulled down and his work boots dusty. “Need to talk to you.”
I swallowed my worry. If he attacked me over being at the Krause place, I’d handle it. “What is it?”
“I need you to watch Elizabeth for a few days. I have to drive cattle to the soldiers’ camp a few days away. If I make the delivery, then we will win the contract for the big delivery to the fort.”
“I’m not babysitting her.”
Jeb retrieved his gloves out of his pocket, shoved a hand in one and then the other, and snarled down at me. “Listen, I already had to let Cookie go because of what he did.”
“What did he do now? You know he’s a drunk. He’s not going to be the best cook.”
He fisted his hands with the leather cracks deepening around the fingers of his glove. “He went after Elizabeth.”
I knew the thought of him not protecting a woman drove deep into a gnarly wound that had settled around his heart years ago. “That’s not your fault.”
“I hired him. It’s my responsibility.” Jeb stretched his fingers out and curled them back again and then headed for his horse already saddled and waiting for him. “She’ll be safe with you here. No running off while I’m away.” He took off before I could rebuttal, so I marched into the barn and found Teddy.
“I need your help.”
“What do you need?” He immediately abandoned his work and faced me with an apprehensive gaze.
“It’s nothing serious. I just need your help making sure that Elizabeth goes with you boys on the trip.”
“Glad it isn’t anything serious enough to get me killed or run off the ranch,” Teddy mocked. “How am I supposed to do that?”
“With Cookie gone, you’ll need her to cook.” I wasn’t proud of my tactics, but it was the right thing for everyone. I would be free to help Agatha with the baby, and Elizabeth and Jeb would have to spend more time together.
“I think Jeb’s hoping I’ll do that.” Teddy snarled at the idea. “Not happening, though. I was a trail boss and a good one before coming here. I’m not no cook.”
“He just told me I’d be staying with her, but the men know my cooking isn’t anything like Elizabeth’s. Those boys have been drooling outside every morning waiting for their vittles. It wouldn’t take much to put a little pressure on the men to push Jeb.”
“They have grown fond of her and her cooking. I’ll see what I can do.” Teddy resumed his work, and I fled the barn before I could run into Jeb again, since he’d guess I had something to do with this.
I hid in my room the rest of the afternoon and evening, thinking about what Agatha had said. Was she right? Did I never intend on marrying Fredrick? It couldn’t be true. If I had picked the perfect husband for myself, it would be him. His strength, hard work, handsome face, kind heart all spoke to me in a way I never thought my mind or soul would connect.
I heard a commotion downstairs, and I knew the news had been broken to Jeb. The men stood their ground, and she’d be the cook on the trip. I watched her help pack the wagon and then disappear upstairs to her room.
Darkness began to etch around the land, and I knew I needed to get to Agatha to check on her. I couldn’t sleep knowing she could go into labor.
I made my way downstairs quietly, hoping to take some food with me, but when I reached the bottom of the stairs I heard Jeb’s boots clomping up, so I hid in the corner.
The door opened. “Elizabeth?” he called out.
I popped out of hiding and greeted him at the door, deciding this was an excellent opportunity to bring up Elizabeth going with him in case he needed a little extra push. “She’s already gone to bed. All the supplies are packed. Best she gets plenty of rest by morning. Don’t you agree?”
“This is your doing, Mother. I know it is. What I don’t get is why.”
“Why?” I lifted the hem of my skirt and stepped into the kitchen.
“Yes. Why?” Jeb followed me.
“You’ll have to be more specific, son. I’m not sure what you mean.” I put some food into a basket and folded a cloth over it. “I need to get going, so you better talk quick.”
“You orchestrated Elizabeth going on the drive with us. Why would you do that? Do you not understand how much money is at stake here? It is our future, not a game. Do you want to be back in a damp shack with rain filtering through broken shingles and your belly so empty the cramps have you bent in half?”
I turned, rose on my toes, and placed both hands on his shoulders. “Son, you need to let that go. Elizabeth won’t cost us everything. You need to trust her and allow her to help. She’s a strong, capable, beautiful young woman.”
“You mean opinionated, headstrong, and beautiful.”
“At least you admit she’s beautiful,” I said.
Jeb removed his hat and wiped his forehead. “You’re impossible. I don’t know what to do with you. Did you forget about the horror we went through because a man you fell in love with cheated, lied, and stole from you?”
“Thanks for the reminder.” I took both his hands, holding them tight. “Listen, for many years I tried to protect you and me from more pain, but it’s time to let it go.”
Jeb brushed my hands away. “Who are you?”
“Stop. I’m just telling you the truth. I fear I’ve turned you into someone who will never trust again.”
“I trust you.”
I knew it was time to start broaching the subject if I didn’t want to lose Fredrick forever. Maybe I just needed his blessing and was scared he couldn’t give it. “You won’t have me around forever. It’s time for you to move on with your life.
“Is there something wrong with you? Is that why you’ve been going off so much since I returned after Christmas?” he asked, his voice sounding hollow and low.
I waved him off. “No, but I’m not getting any younger.”
“You are not old. You had me when you were but a girl yourself, and you’re healthy.” He placed his hands on his hips and rocked back on his heels. “You know, you’re young enough to ride with us to the camp. It’ll be our first cattle drive together. You and me.”
“Don’t even try to flatter me into saving you from that beautiful woman up there. I’m delivering a baby at the Krause place.”
“Why does it have to be you?” Jeb popped a piece of biscuit into his mouth.
“It’s the kind thing to do. It is her first, and her husband died on the way here from Germany.”
“She’s a pregnant widow running a home on her own?” Jeb shook his head. “When did the world turn so crazy?”
“No, she’s the daughter of the owner. He’s beside himself with worry since his wife is no longer with him and his sister never had children. She wouldn’t know what to do.”
Jeb dropped his biscuit. “What? You’re going to be alone with a grown man at his place? No, I forbid it.”
Anger flashed through me like an epic storm. “You think you can forbid me to do something?”
He stepped back with hands up. “All I’m saying is that it isn’t safe.”
“If you had taken the time to meet them when they invited us for a traditional German meal, then you would know how kind and considerate he is. Besides, I’ll be properly chaperoned by his sister. And the gentleman he is, he is sleeping in the barn. He wouldn’t hear of being in the house while I was there.”
“I don’t know.”
“I’ll be safer there than here alone.”
Teddy entered the house with a knuckle tap to the door. “That’s true. And Fredrick Krause is a good man.”
“How do you know?” Jeb asked.
“Me
t him several times, and his daughter and sister. They’re good people.” Teddy grabbed a plate and plopped a piece of chicken on it.
“Fine. But I don’t like it. I don’t like any of this.”
“You can postpone going to the camp,” I said with a teasing smile.
Teddy dished some green beans onto his plate. “I can lead the drive. I’m ready. Men respect me, and I can handle it. It’s what you signed me on to do. Did it for a year at the Overton Ranch.”
Jeb shook his head. “I have to speak to Colonel Richardson when we arrive about the next order that will be delivered to the fort that we will establish. I’ll have to sign the military contract for the cattle. If we get that, then we will have a momentous year.”
I sighed. “There is more to life than money. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to help a baby come into this world.”
Before Jeb could tie me to the porch post, I raced out to the horse Teddy had waiting for me and took off to check on Agatha.
I didn’t even make it to the edge of our land before Fredrick barreled at me on horseback. “Come, come. Agatha have baby now.”
Chapter Sixteen
Agatha’s arms gave way, and she collapsed onto the bed.
“Stay with me, Agatha. It will all be over soon, and you will have a baby in your arms. There is nothing like that feeling in the world.”
Her aunt paced the room, spouting in German at the ceiling. If only I could tell her to relax and sit down because she was making me nervous. “Helga.” I pointed at her and then in front of Agatha, gesturing with my arms. “Help her stay up.”
“Ohhhhhh,” Agatha cried out.
Helga followed my signs and knelt in front of her on the bed.
“Push,” I instructed. The labor had gone on all night, and only with the first orange rays shining through the window did I believe this would be over soon. The poor girl had suffered more than most. For a baby that started pains so feverishly, he or she wanted to make a grand entrance.
“I see the head,” I exclaimed. The sight told me that all would be fine now. We were nearing the end of the ordeal.
Dark hair glistened, and I readied for the baby, blanket in hand. “Good. Now breathe. Relax until the next contraction, and then it’ll be the biggest push of all.”
She panted and then gripped the bedding tight and bared down. Finally, after hours of labor, Agatha’s body and hair soaked from sweat, the baby entered the world.
“Shoulders are born.” I couldn’t help but choke up at the sight of this perfect little creature.
Before I knew it, I had a baby girl in my arms. She looked pink and perfectly wrinkled like my Joanna had been. The darkness in my soul faded, and I held the baby close to my chest. That’s when I knew what had held me back from loving and committing to Fredrick. I worried that someday I could have a baby again, and what if it died, too? It was possible since I still bled. Could I face the loss of another child?
Helga clapped and stomped and paraded around the room. I’d never seen the woman so animated before. The wood beneath my feet shook from her motion. I quickly turned baby over and smacked it until she let out a strong cry.
Agatha held out her arms, and I gave baby to mother. “It’s a girl,” I choked out, my tears blurring my vision.
“Papa, you hear? It’s a girl!”
“I hear. I hear,” Fredrick shouted through the door, his voice coated with fear and joy.
After all the after-delivery needs were tended to, I settled with a nice cup of tea with Helga and gave Fredrick and Agatha time with the baby. It was so precious, small, vulnerable. Flashes of Joanna in my arms, crying for food. My ultimate failure of not being able to give her milk to survive. I couldn’t handle the thoughts. They began to take hold, and I needed air. Not wanting to ruin their moment, I slid from my chair with a forced smile and made my way outside.
I looked up at the stars and forced air into my lungs. “Oh, Joanna. I failed you all those years ago. How could I ever live when I caused you to die? How could I bring more life into this world when I failed to provide milk for you to live?” Pain ripped through me, slashing at my happiness.
This wasn’t the time to fall apart. I couldn’t face Fredrick and Agatha right now, so I found my horse in the barn, saddled it, and sneaked away in the night.
I rode slowly across the land, filtering through all of my thoughts. How could I marry Fredrick? I couldn’t. Not when I could still bare children. I’d searched so long for why, thinking once I knew I could deal with it and marry Fredrick. But the knowledge didn’t release me from my wounds. It tightened the chains of grief around me. The realization slammed into me. I couldn’t marry a man, ever.
I steered the horse down the worn path that had been made in the dirt between our homes. Perhaps if I waited until I couldn’t have children, then we could marry and live the rest of our days together. When would that be, though? Years? That wasn’t fair to Fredrick. If I had known, I would never have offered him hope. I hated myself for what I had done. I hated myself for what I couldn’t do.
With a heavy heart, I guided my horse to the barn and discovered that everyone but a ranch hand had left. I was alone.
Completely alone.
The way I would be the rest of my life.
* * *
I slept for a day, unable to rise from bed. My muscles ached, my arms and legs felt heavy, and I had no appetite for food. In the night, I dreamed of a perfect family. My little Joanna running around with Agatha’s little girl. Jeb and Elizabeth married and visiting for a traditional German Christmas, but then I woke up and the nightmare began again.
It was another day until I managed to dress and go downstairs. A knock at the door sounded just after the morning rooster crowed. I opened expecting the ranch hand but instead found Fredrick.
“We talk,” he announced.
He didn’t give me a chance to say no since he pushed his way in. “You love me, no?”
I bowed my head. “Yes.”
“Then marry me.”
I bit my bottom lip. “I can’t.”
He removed his hat and set it on the table. “Why you cannot?”
There was no escaping this conversation. Not with him standing in front of the door and me standing in the way of his future. I inhaled a stuttered breath. “It’s complicated.”
“You tell me, I understand.” Fredrick inched closer, but I shuffled away, knowing I’d break if he touched me.
“I won’t do it again. I don’t deserve to do it again.”
“Do what? Marry me? The man you married before was bad. I am good. You marry me. I will never treat you like that monster.”
“No, I’m not scared to marry you because I think you will hurt me. I believe you to be the best man I have ever known. That’s what makes this so tough. I do. I really and honestly love you, Fredrick.” I needed him to know that he was everything and deserved so much in life, even if I couldn’t give it to him.
“Then marry me.”
Tears overflowed, and I couldn’t hold them in any longer. “I cannot be a wife again. Not when certain things are expected of me.”
He reached for me. “I tell you I not hurt you.”
I rounded the table to escape him. I didn’t deserve to feel good. I didn’t deserve to have a happy life. “I am still young. Too young to marry.”
The only sound in the room were my sniffles and the loud beat in my ears.
“I do not understand.”
“I know,” I said in broken speech.
He rounded the table, but I moved to the end. “Tell me, or I not leave here.”
His gaze fixed on me with determination. If there was one thing I knew about Fredrick Krause, he would work to get the answer as hard as he worked to make crafted furniture.
I dug my nails into the end of the table, grounding myself in the present so I didn’t have to face the past. “I cannot have another child.”
Fredrick smiled. “If you cannot have baby, I do not care. I
want you. I have daughter. I have granddaughter. If I have you, my life full.”
My heart pounded. My chest ached. My skin heated. “I can have a child. I won’t have a child.”
Too much. Way too much to face. I wanted to run, to never look back. Why had I done this? Why had I fallen in love?
“Why you won’t have child?” Fredrick remained in place instead of chasing me around the table.
My nails dug deep into the wood, and my fingers ached from the strain, but I welcomed the pain. Physical pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside. “I had a child, but I murdered her.”
Fredrick’s face went white, but then he closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, there was so much compassion. “You not murder your girl. You could never harm her. She died. Not from your hand.”
“Not by my hand, by my body. Do you know what it’s like to hold your baby in your arms while she screams and you cannot provide milk for her? Worse, when she stops crying and you feel her little body go limp? All because I failed to give her milk. The one thing a mother must give her baby, and I couldn’t. I murdered her because I was too much of a coward to escape and find food to eat, water to drink. I murdered her because while I live, she is dead.” A lump rose in my chest, and I thought I’d never be able to take a breath again.
Fredrick took the moment to move closer, but I shoved away from the table toward the door, stumbling over my skirt. “No. I will not marry you. As long as I can bear children, I will never marry. My little girl is dead and can’t be replaced. I do not deserve happiness. I do not deserve you.”
The pain ripped through me, my hands shook, my gut wrenched. I couldn’t face any more. I had faced it all. There was nowhere else to run and hide from the pain, so I caught myself at the door and held it open for Fredrick. I had murdered my daughter, but I could give Fredrick a chance at a good life. “Go. I never want to see you again. You are free to marry the German woman in Sherman. She’ll be good for you. I wish you all the best.”
