There was something about the way she said this, coupled with my nose for spotting that there was more to this story. ‘I’m asking you, Corinne. Why did you and Dad really split up?’
23
BEA
February 2020
Brooklyn Heights, Brooklyn, New York
She sighed. Then shrugged. ‘It’s not my story to share. All I can tell you is that I had my reasons. I found out about something your dad had done that didn’t sit well with me. I asked him to … fix it. He wouldn’t. That’s what we fought about. So I left. But as I said, there was more to it than that row. We had been fighting for months before that. Some relationships are just not meant to be.’
My head began to spin with this revelation. I couldn’t imagine a single thing that my father could have done wrong. And I had seen a lot of sick shit over the years through my job. ‘Can you tell me what it was he did?’
‘As I said, you need to ask him that.’
‘OK, I will. But you are wrong about him not loving you. I think he did. And he still might.’
She started at this and her eyes filled with tears. ‘I loved him. But I don’t think I was the love of his life. Do you remember making the Lego tower? I often think of that evening. It was the most perfect night, wasn’t it? Or maybe I’m remembering with rose-tinted glasses.’
‘No, it was perfect.’
‘I meant it when I said I would have loved to be your stepmother. You were such a great kid with an imagination that I was in awe of. Fearless too. It was a privilege for me to be part of your life, if only for a short time.’
Memories that I’d long forgotten, shoved down deep inside of me, burst to the surface. Shopping trips together to buy my first bra. The gift she’d left on my bed the day I got my period for the first time – a hamper filled with chocolate, aspirin, a furry hot-water bottle, a Judi Curtin book and a phone. There was a note attached to this, where she’d written that I should call her, day or night, if I needed her. And the affection she gave me. Years of hugs and tender touches, even when I shrugged them away.
‘I pushed you away. But you kept coming back. You were so patient with me. I’d forgotten how much you’d done for me. I think I buried how important you were to me, because it was too painful to live with what I’d done. Corinne, you were my stepmother. In every way that mattered. I didn’t realize how important that was until now. I’m an idiot,’ I said.
She brushed away a tear with the back of her hand. And in that single tear, I felt a trickle of hope grow that maybe it wasn’t too late for us. Maybe there was still time for Dad and her. A second chance.
‘Is there someone special in your life now?’ I asked.
She shook her head.
‘Then you should call Dad. Maybe it’s time you both reconnected. Perhaps get back together again.’
I could imagine it too. The two of them pottering around this house or Innisfree. They could be happy together. Drinking Barry’s tea, reading books, watching TV.
But she put a pin in that dream, until it blew away to nowhere. ‘Our time has passed. There are some things that are not meant to be. We are one of them.’
‘I don’t agree. I think you should meet him for a coffee. If for no other reason than to catch up on each other’s lives.’
‘No.’ She was polite but firm. ‘Don’t press me on this matter again, Bea. That was a hard time for me back then. I mourned the loss of your father and you. But I’ve moved on. Let that be the end of it. But it is good to see you. I’d love it if we stayed in touch.’
‘I’d like that too.’ And I realized as I said it that it was very much true.
‘What about you? Are you dating anyone?’
‘I split up with someone before Christmas. Dan. He was … I thought he would be my forever. But it didn’t work out.’
‘You’re still in love with him,’ she said. Another statement.
And unlike every other time Dan was brought up by Katrina or Dad, I didn’t deny anything. Corinne handed me a tissue and I mopped the tears that began to fall. ‘Damn it! Sorry. I’m an emotional mess.’
‘Love sucks sometimes. Do you want to talk about it?’
While I didn’t understand much about what was going on in our lives right now, I knew I didn’t want to talk about Dan. It was too hard. ‘I’ve got some things to work out in my life right now. Things have been difficult.’
‘I’d like to help, if I can. At the very least, I’m a really good listener.’
‘Thank you and I’ll remember that. When I received my letter on New Year’s Eve, it seems to have started a chain of events. The things I said back then, well, they’ve made me ask some tough questions about my life now. They’ve opened up a can of worms. To be honest, the worms are spilling everywhere!’
‘So that’s why you came here.’
‘Yeah. It feels like my letter is pushing me towards something. I know that sounds crazy.’
I snuck a peek at Corinne but she didn’t look weirded out by my words, merely reflective. I told her about Stephanie and our recent reconciliation.
‘Well, that makes me even more grateful that I didn’t lose that time capsule over the years! I’m pleased that you two are friends again. In many ways the friends we choose are even more precious than family, because they’re the ones we choose for ourselves. I’d never thought about the time capsule project as a means for you students to make amends for mistakes. How interesting!’
I wondered what she’d make of the letters if I told her that they were active, alive, magical. Remembering my dad’s face though, I thought it better not to tell her that.
Corinne made a fresh pot of tea and we sat there for another hour, chatting about our lives. She no longer taught; she’d taken early retirement the previous year. But she was still busy, volunteering in the local youth centre. Corinne was my kind of people. The type of person I’d happily spend time with. I would spend the rest of my life regretting that she wasn’t a more permanent part of it. We swapped each other’s cell numbers and promised to stay in touch.
As we hugged each other goodbye, she said to me, ‘As you’ve been busy reflecting on life and relationships, I wondered if you had ever thought about getting in touch with your mom’s family in Ireland?’
I looked at her in surprise. ‘Over the years, I’ve thought about it. Dan and I planned to go to Ireland together, but that’s off the cards now. Dad reckons we should leave it.’
‘What about your aunt? And your mom’s best friend? From what I remember Ryan telling me, they were close. I bet they’d love to meet you.’
‘I’ve had the odd card from Michelle, but my aunt is some kind of recluse. She’s never been in touch.’
‘Well, if someone isn’t physically in your life, that doesn’t mean they don’t think about you often. You can take my word for that, Bea. Maybe you should reach out to her too.’
‘What if she tells me to get lost?’
‘Then you get lost. But she won’t. If you take the time to visit her, she’d love that. Think how nice it would be to understand a little bit more about your mom’s life in Ireland before she emigrated to America. You’re an investigator, Bea O’Connor. It’s time you investigated your own life to find out a little more about your heritage.’
‘I don’t think Dad would like that.’ In fact I knew he wouldn’t. He always got a bit antsy whenever I spoke about Mom’s family.
‘You’re not a child any more, Bea. It’s time you did what you want, not what your dad wants. You could have cousins galore over there, all waiting to open their arms to you. Take it from me. You turning up here today unannounced – well, you’ve made my day.’
There was so much to think about as I walked back towards my car and drove home to Innisfree. I went straight to my studio and pulled the shoebox of memories out from my bedside locker, where it now lived. I felt like I was missing something so obvious that when I worked it out, I’d kick myself. Corinne hinted that there was something Dad was
hiding from me. But what? I picked up Mom’s handbag again – it was a knock-off Chanel, I know that now, but she’d loved it. And the only thing of hers that Dad kept after she died. I flicked through the photographs, one by one, hoping for a clue. But I found nothing. As I placed the photos back, I noticed a small pocket inside the main inner pocket that I’d never seen before. How had I missed that? I reached my two fingers into it and found a note. I didn’t recognize the writing, so I looked down to the end and saw that it was from my mom’s friend, Michelle.
You have made a mistake. And you have learned in the most painful way that secrets always come out. But you can’t hide from this. It will never go away and you are going to lose everything if you don’t fix it. Please. You have to try.
Love
Michelle
What the actual? What had my mom done? I ran up the stairs calling for Dad as I went.
‘Hey, love. What’s wrong?’ Dad asked.
‘I’ve found a letter in Mom’s handbag.’ I shoved it at him. As he read it, a bead of sweat formed above his lip. ‘What is Michelle talking about?’
‘I have no idea. Those three were always fighting about something or other.’
‘And I thought they were the Three Amigos. United. Best friends forever.’
‘Well they were. But like you, Katrina and Stephanie, they fell out every now and then. I honestly don’t remember what this was about. Probably about us getting married. Michelle thought your mom was too young. Throw it in the bin. Forget about it.’
‘No!’ I screamed. ‘My mom touched that note. And you want to chuck it in the trash?’ I was hurt and angry at once. I hadn’t felt this way towards my dad since that horrible night with Corinne.
‘I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,’ Dad said, walking out.
I went back to my studio and opened up a WhatsApp video message chat with Katrina and Stephanie. We had a newly formed message chat group, The BFFs, which was busy with audio and video messages every few minutes.
‘I’ve been to Corinne’s and now I’ve had a row with Dad!’ I was shaking.
‘Calm down. You look shit, Bea. Are you feeling OK?’ Stephanie said.
‘I’m angry. So no, I’m not feeling OK. I swear, Dad has just lied to me, he’s such a crap liar.’
‘Sit down,’ Katrina ordered. ‘Get a cold drink and tell us what happened.’
I filled them in on my visit with Corinne first of all. ‘Honestly, she was really cool. She said that it wasn’t because of my actions that she and Dad split up. The time flew by. I’d forgotten how much I enjoyed her company.’
‘I hope you didn’t tell her I’d been doing the dirt with Jimmy Del Torio while you drank all that tea.’
‘She wasn’t that shocked. She said you were always a dirt bird,’ I joked.
‘Stop! You better not have. I have secrets I could share about you, Bea O’Connor. Starting with how you used to stuff your bra with toilet paper.’
‘She still does,’ Katrina said. ‘So what happened with Ryan?’
‘Corinne said that I should find my mother’s family in Ireland. The way she said it made me think there was more to her suggestion. I had a look through my shoebox and found a note hidden in Mom’s handbag.’ I read the note to them both, then told them about Ryan’s reaction to it. ‘What do you think?’ My emotions were still running too high and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight.
‘I think the chicken is still there, pick, pick, picking away,’ Katrina said.
‘And by the sounds of it, the chicken had better get its passport ready. You need to go to Ireland,’ Stephanie added.
I opened the top drawer of my locker and pulled out my passport – updated last year, as it happened.
And that brought me right back to last year, when I was running towards Dan, with the passport in my hand …
24
BEA
October 2019
Eataly, Flatiron, Financial District, Manhattan
I ran three blocks, arriving at the entrance to Eataly out of breath. ‘Sorry!’ I managed to get out as I bent over, trying to catch my breath. ‘But look, my passport arrived.’ I reached into my rucksack and pulled out the post that had arrived that morning. He’d asked me to make sure it was updated, so that if we came across a cheap flight to Ireland, we could take advantage at a moment’s notice.
He looked a little less annoyed seeing my passport. But his usual grin that he wore whenever we were together wasn’t there. ‘You’re always late, I expect that from you. But twenty-five minutes? I have to be back in work in fifteen minutes.’
I’ve always been forgetful, some would say a bit flaky. I know I’ve a problem with timekeeping. I make resolutions all the time to do better. But then I’d say screw it and be back to square one.
‘Don’t be cross with me. You know what I’m like. And what’s that saying? Better late than never.’
‘I don’t mind you being a few minutes late, but this is taking the piss, Bea.’
Shit, he was really cross. And I hadn’t done it on purpose. ‘Honestly, I’m sorry, Dan. I was about to leave the office, but I felt a bit weird. Think I might be getting the flu. So I had to sit down for a bit.’
He felt my forehead, in that time-tested way of checking someone’s temperature. ‘You don’t feel hot. Do you feel nauseous or anything?’
‘I did for a while. But I’m fine now.’
‘I think you’re overdoing it at work. Part of your charm is your forgetfulness, but you’ve been scattier than normal these past few weeks. Maybe you should take a few days off.’
I hated seeing Dan’s forehead wrinkle in worry. I reached up to smooth out the lines.
‘Don’t be trying to divert my attention,’ he said, but he was smiling now, so I leaned in and kissed him.
‘Stop it, woman,’ he growled in my ear, ‘or I’ll be late for the afternoon’s appointments too.’
‘I could be persuaded to take a couple hours off,’ I said and that’s all it took. He threw a few dollars down for his coffee and we grabbed a cab to his apartment, to hell with the expense. I had to hold my hand over my mouth to stop the giggles when he rang his boss to say he was feeling ill. That afternoon was one of the best of my life. Just the two of us in his bed, making love, napping, then making love again. When I was with Dan, all my worries disappeared and the world became small and perfect, with just the two of us in it.
As we ate Chinese takeout from boxes, sitting cross-legged on his double bed, we discussed my always being late. I tried to dodge responsibility and told him that it wasn’t my fault. ‘It’s Dad who’s to blame.’
‘This I’ve got to hear,’ Dan said, laughing. ‘Go on, plead your case.’
‘Well, he’s always written whenever the muse strikes him. And honest to God, this was mostly late at night. Which meant that he often slept through his alarm. We’d wake up with Gran shouting up the stairs to get a move on. Even though we lived only a few blocks from my school, I never quite seemed to make it in time before the first bell. You can’t blame me for that.’
‘Maybe not, but you can’t blame your dad for you being late today!’
‘No, but my point is that, because of my childhood, I grew up thinking that all times scheduled for meetings, or get-togethers, were approximate rather than set in stone.’
‘I bet that made your dad popular over the years,’ Dan said, trying without success to make his chopsticks behave.
‘Dad always says that forgetfulness is a family curse! So, Dan Heffernan, next time you want to complain about my timekeeping, please remember that it is my burden to live with this curse. I rest my case!’
‘I’ll remember that. But maybe I’ve just the thing that can help.’ He jumped up and pulled open his jocks and sock drawer. ‘I bought you this for your Christmas present. But feck it, have it now. I’ll buy you another present.’
Like a child at Christmas, I reached over greedily for his gift. I loved surprises.
�
��It’s the best on the market. With all the latest thingamajigs,’ Dan said, as I looked at the Apple Watch he’d bought me.
‘I love a good thingamajig and this thingamajig is very generous. I can’t believe you bought me this. It’s too much.’
‘Only the best for you. And look.’ He pointed to an icon of a heart on the packaging. ‘It can detect if your heartbeat stops!’
‘That’s a cheery thought.’
Laughing, he said, ‘You can thank me if you fall over, and this brings the paramedics to save your life.’
‘Now all you have to do is tell me that it can make me a Nespresso in the morning when I wake up. Please let it be so.’
‘But that’s what I’m here for,’ he said. ‘In fact, I could do that every day for you, if you want.’
It was a good job I wasn’t wearing the watch yet, because my heart stopped beating. ‘Did you ask me to move in with you?’
He nodded.
I thought about Innisfree and how I swore I’d never leave there. Could I? For Dan?
‘You’re thinking about Innisfree,’ he said.
Goddamn it, how did he do that? ‘Yes.’
‘Well, I’ll move in there if you want. If your dad and Uncle Mike don’t mind. All I want is to be with you. And I don’t mind where that is.’
‘Can I think about it?’ I asked.
‘Take as long as you like.’
25
BEA
February 2020
Irish Center, Long Island, Manhattan
I had a lead in the Ted Spadoni case so I was on my way to the Irish Center. Earlier, I filled Katrina in on where I was at. We often bounced things off each other when we were reaching a brick wall. And this missing guy, Ted Spadoni, was proving difficult to find. It was as if he’d vanished off the face of the earth three years ago. He hadn’t withdrawn any money from their joint bank account. He left his phone behind him. I’d checked all public and private databases to see if he had applied for a job anywhere in the country and that was another blank. If he was alive and working, it was under the counter, cash in hand. I’d pulled in another favour from Uncle Mike, and asked him to look through the case file for me. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes can spot some detail that was missed first time round. And I was interested to see if there was any additional information there that Olive hadn’t been told about. But he hadn’t uncovered anything new either.
The Moon Over Kilmore Quay Page 18
