‘But what if I never have children to leave the recipe to?’ I said, letting the tears fall freely now.
‘Stop! You are only a baby yourself. No one has children until they are forty any more. You’ve got over a decade to find a man, marry and have kids. I promise you, you’ll get to teach someone that recipe,’ Stephanie said, picking up a napkin and dabbing my eyes for me.
I sniffed back more tears and wished my gran were here right now, to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be OK. I caught Katrina’s eye. I felt her watching me a lot lately and I knew I worried her. I blew my nose into my napkin and apologized for being so silly.
‘When we go back to Brooklyn, I would like to learn scone recipe. Do you remember the day when we arrived in Prospect Avenue and your gran gave my family scones?’ Katrina said.
‘I thought you were so cool in your cropped top and leopard-print leggings. I couldn’t wait to meet you.’
‘I was cool. But I was also scared. I did not know what new house would be like. You freaked me out at first because you smiled a lot. But the thing I remember most of all that evening was when my mama made tea, we ate those scones. And my mama said, I think we are going to like it here. We felt a warm welcome with every sugary bite. It is not only you who would like to make those scones. Maybe one day, I can give same welcome to a new neighbour, as your gran did for us. So, will you teach me?’
‘Teach me too, please. I have so many happy memories of eating scones in your kitchen as a kid,’ Stephanie said. ‘We can have a bake-off! Have you watched The Great British Baking Show on Netflix? It’s so good. I’m on season four and, when I grow up, I know who I want to be. Mary Berry!’
‘That is not a name of person,’ Katrina said.
‘It is!’ Stephanie dived into a Google search and pulled up a photo. ‘See!’
Katrina shrugged in the way she did when she was surprised, happy, mad or sad. It was a universal shrug that only she could pull off. ‘So we all bake scones when we get home. Maybe not next day, because of jet lag. But soon after. You don’t need to worry about not continuing on your family legacy, Bea O’Connor, OK?’
‘You are the best, best friends forever. Both of you. You know that?’
‘We do. But it takes one to know one,’ Katrina said.
We clinked our teacups to seal the deal and got back to eating.
Once we’d dropped our bags in our room, we decided to walk to Nellie’s. It was only a short walk and as it was such a beautiful day, it was a shame to drive. I texted Lucy to let her know we were on the way and she responded with a happy-face emoji. Progress. When we got to the bar, Lucy and Mark were there waiting for us. And someone else too. I’d recognize her face anywhere: it was the third amigo, Michelle.
My heart hammered so loudly in my chest, it beat a song. Mark moved towards me. He knew. I could see it in the way he looked at me, taking in the bump in my nose, the slant of my eyes, my freckles. He was looking for traces of himself in that search. And I did the same with him. He was so like my father and grandfather, it was impossible not to see that. But he looked like me too.
‘Head wreck, to be fair,’ he said at last.
I used my hands to demonstrate my own head exploding. ‘Do you have Spock ears?’ I asked.
He pulled back his hair and showed me the pointy tips. ‘I do!’
I think I jumped up a little, I was so delighted to see my ears on someone else. Not just someone. My brother. ‘Are you upset? Silly question. You must be.’
‘Not in the least. I’m happy. My dad has a name now. And even if he doesn’t want to know me, I’ve got you. Which I think is a pretty damn fine deal.’ He took a step closer to me. ‘Could I have a hug? I’ve never hugged a sibling before.’
‘Me neither,’ I said, moving into his arms. And as we breathed in each other, I felt a recognition ripple through me. Recognition of my brother, someone I had only just met, but knew with every part of me. He was the missing piece of the puzzle. A puzzle I’d not planned on finishing, but now that I had, it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever made.
‘Promise me you’ll never leave me again, not now that I’ve found you,’ he said.
‘I won’t leave you, unless I have absolutely no choice in the matter,’ I promised.
We pulled apart and I turned to Lucy, who was crying. I could only imagine how emotional this moment must be for her.
‘Are you OK?’ I asked.
‘Better than I’ve been for the longest time. I’m sorry, Bea. More than I can ever express to you.’
‘You have nothing to apologize about,’ I said, and I meant that. ‘You did the best you could with the cards you were dealt. We all have our secrets that we keep because we feel we have no choice but to keep them. Families are complex, I’ve learnt that much over the years I’ve worked at the agency. You need to let go of any guilt you have. We’ve reconnected now. That’s all that matters.’
‘Talking about reconnecting, we’ve decided to go back to New York with you,’ Mark said. ‘If that’s OK? I’d like to meet Ryan sooner rather than later. Or would you prefer we wait until you go home and talk to him yourself?’
‘Let’s not waste any more time. Dad will be really happy to meet you, Mark. So will Uncle Mike. I only wish Gran and Grandad were still alive.’
‘I’d love to hear about them.’
‘Well, that’s good. Because I love to talk about them.’
Michelle moved towards me, ‘Can I have a hug too? I’ve waited a very long time for one,’ and as she held me, she said how much I was like Maeve. I told her that I’d found the note that she’d sent Mom all those years ago. ‘I think she knew that you were right, Michelle. That she needed to make amends. That’s why she held on to it.’
‘I had planned to visit her, after you were born. But I got married, then I got pregnant and time went by too quickly. I’ll regret that I didn’t get to her in time till the day I die.’ She clasped both my hands and said, ‘I’ve thought of you often. And I want you to know that Maeve was so loved. She had this way of lighting up a room. The happiest of times, we had in our Three Amigos apartment in Dublin. If my Tadgh knew the half of what I got up to … well, let’s say, he’d lose what little hair he has left now!’
We all giggled and I told her that I was glad Mom had her in her corner. Then I felt light-headed, so I took a seat on one of the high bar stools. ‘This is all very emotional.’
‘Oh. My. God. I swore I’d never drink again, after the hangover I had in Cork. But I need a drink again. What is this country doing to me!’ Stephanie said, wiping tears away.
‘I think we could all do with a drink. But there’s something I’d like us to do together first. I’ve asked a friend to take us on a short boat ride. I’d like to show you where we scattered your mom’s ashes. A place that was very special to both of us growing up.’
Lucy held a hand out to me and Michelle held another. And decades later, I took my mom’s place, between her two best friends. We walked to the quayside where a red-and-white boat called Autumn Dream waited for us. We all climbed in and the skipper Eamonn told us that the boats were chartered for deep sea angling and scuba diving, along with trips to the Saltee Islands.
Lucy turned to Mark, Stephanie and Katrina and made a request. ‘I wonder if you three would mind if it was just us who take this boat trip? Michelle and I would like one last Three Amigo’s moment with our darling Maeve’s daughter. Is that OK?’
They all agreed at once. Mark hugged me goodbye and while it still felt surreal that this man was my brother, I had a feeling that we’d get to where we needed to be soon enough.
Stephanie stuck a pack of tissues into my pocket. I sat in between Lucy and Michelle. And as the boat bobbed its way out of the harbour, Lucy told us about her childhood. ‘Dad used to have a boat. It’s long gone, he sold it before we went to college in Dublin. But when we were kids, some of our happiest memories were spent in that boat. And one of our favourite outings was alwa
ys the Saltee Islands. We’d play a game to see who was the first to spot the …’ she paused, then smiled when I squealed.
‘Oh my goodness. That’s a dolphin! There, in the water, a dolphin! Look, I swear a dolphin just did a flip right beside us!’
Lucy laughed, ‘I was about to say that Maeve was always the first to see the dolphins. I shouldn’t be surprised that you did too. You are so like your mom.’
So like my mom.
Words I’d craved my entire life but never quite believed when they were spoken by Dad. But hearing them from Lucy, her sister, her almost twin, made me want to weep with gratitude. I wiped the tears away though, because I didn’t want to miss a moment of this trip. And I knew that if I started to cry, I may not be able to stop.
The boat slowed down as we got closer to the island and then I saw half a dozen seals. Some playfully swam and others lay on rocks, rolling on their round tummies as they took in the beauty of the blue sky above.
‘Maeve loved seals. When we were kids, her bedroom wall was covered with posters of them. They all had these big black soulful eyes. She said she could get lost in the secrets they held. When Maeve died …’ Lucy couldn’t finish. She began to sob. She wasn’t alone, I could hear Michelle also giving into the high emotion that was impossible to avoid. But still I pushed the tears away and tried to comfort Lucy as best I could.
Michelle spoke through her tears. ‘Seals are supposed to signify great imagination and creativity you know. I read that somewhere. I think that’s why Maeve felt such a connection with them. Because there was nobody alive with a bigger imagination and bigger dreams than Maeve Mernagh.’
‘The last time I saw her, I said some awful things,’ Lucy said.
‘You could never have known what was going to happen. And you had good cause. Let’s not forget that,’ Michelle said.
‘But I wish … I wish I could have told her that I still loved her, even though I hated what she did.’
‘I think she knew that,’ I said. ‘Don’t ask me why or how I know that. But I feel it.’
‘I kept my hurt bottled up inside of me for so long. But I could never switch off how much I missed her. How much I loved her. What I’d give for one more chance to tell her that.’
Michelle said, ‘There’s still time to do that, Lucy. This is where we scattered her ashes, isn’t it?’
Lucy looked around her and confirmed. I tried to imagine them opening the lid on an urn and letting pieces of my mother float into the air and out to the sea.
Then two seals poked their heads up from the water. They watched us with their dark sorrowful knowing eyes as they bobbed in the water, side by side.
Mother and child or siblings. I wasn’t sure which.
And as I looked at them, they became all of us.
Dad and Mark.
Lucy and Maeve.
Mark and me.
Mom and me.
One of the seals moved closer towards us and I searched its black soulful eyes. ‘She’s still here,’ I whispered. ‘But I think it’s time for us to say our goodbyes now. To let her go.’
Lucy nodded. She locked eyes with the seal and then whispered to the wind, ‘I never stopped loving you and I forgave you a long time ago. And I’m sorry too, for not being with you when you needed me. But most of all, Maeve, I want to thank you for every wonderful moment in my life that came from you.’
Michelle then spoke, ‘I miss you, Maeve, my lovely amigo. Life has never been the same without you. But we’ll see each other again on the other side, for another bottle of Blue Nun.’
I looked at them both, my mom’s amigos. And I felt their love for each other mirrored in the love I felt for my own amigos. Stephanie and Katrina were part of every big and small moment of my life. I made myself speak with a strength I didn’t feel, because I wanted to make sure I was heard by every living and dead thing around us. ‘I hope you are happy here. You were loved, Mom. You are still loved by so many. Thank you for loving me. Until we see each other again …’
I took in every single ripple of water as the foam crashed into the island’s shore. The sound of the gulls as they danced in the sky above. The smell of the salty air. And the feeling that here, I had finally found my mom.
43
LUCY
February 2020
Woodside, Brooklyn, Manhattan
I’d thought about taking Mark to the place where his story began many times. But the time had never felt right. But now that I was back in Woodside, my son grown to be a man himself, I felt only excitement and happy nostalgia as I retraced the footpaths of my younger self.
‘This is where the Woodside Steakhouse used to be. I was a waitress there. A singing one! Such a shame that it’s burned down now. I loved working here. Do you remember when you were ten or eleven, someone came to visit from my New York days?’
Mark said, ‘Yeah, I remember. Small fella, grey hair?’
‘That’s him. Mick was my manager in the steakhouse. He was a good man. He died a few years ago. His wife wrote to tell me. We kept in contact all this time.’ I grabbed Mark’s arm and pulled him towards the Stop Inn on the other side of the road. ‘But I’m so happy this place is still here. Come on, I’ll buy you a milkshake and the best burger you’ll ever eat.’
It hadn’t changed a bit. It was as if time had stood still in this small diner. As we took a seat in the same booth that Maeve and I sat in on our very first morning in Brooklyn, it was bittersweet. But I refused to allow myself to look back in sorrow any longer. I’d wasted so much of my life in regret and disappointment. No more. We ordered burgers and fries, fully loaded, with a vanilla milkshake, and I’m sure the waitress thought I was crazy, such was my giddiness when they arrived. They tasted as good today as they had done when I was a young woman.
I watched Mark eat his and it felt ridiculously important that he enjoy his burger. ‘Well?’
‘It’s good. Really good,’ he said, in between bites.
We’d earned this meal. We’d walked from Sunnyside to Woodside this morning, passing Maggie May’s, the Butcher’s Block, St Joseph’s Church. Memories picked at me at every sidewalk on the corner of every street. Maeve and I together, giggling, wide-eyed, excited, at our new world we found ourselves living in. Ryan and I, kissing, head to head, so in love that we didn’t notice the Budweiser truck that almost thundered its way over us.
‘Do you ever wish you had stayed here?’ Mark asked, pushing his now empty plate away.
‘I’ve spent a lifetime with what-ifs and maybes. But now, sitting here with you, I wouldn’t change a thing. We have a good life, don’t we? At home in Kilmore Quay?’
Mark was quick to confirm this. He was a good boy, always had been. ‘You gave me everything, Mam. Put me through university. I never wanted for a thing. And I love Nellie’s. Always have done.’
I sighed in pleasure at his words. I’d always felt his happiness bubble around me. Other than wishing for a dad who wasn’t on the scene at moments in his life where he needed a male figurehead, he’d been a happy, content boy, who grew into a happy, content man. He was the best of me and of Ryan. The same way that Bea was the best of Maeve and Ryan.
‘Are you nervous about seeing him?’ he asked.
I nodded. ‘I won’t lie. It’s going to be weird for me. I loved him, Mark. He was my entire world and when he betrayed me with Maeve, I nearly didn’t recover. But you saved me. So it will be OK. We’ll make it OK.’
‘And Bea hasn’t told him about me? He’s only expecting you?’
‘Yep.’ We’d checked into a hotel in Manhattan the previous day and slept off our jet lag. I wanted a clear head when I saw Ryan again. However I reacted, I didn’t want to blame a long flight for my behaviour. I wanted to be of clear mind. Perhaps not of clear heart, no matter how hard I tried.
We left a big tip for the waitress. I remembered how important those 20 per cent tips were. Then we grabbed a cab to Prospect Avenue. We could have gone on the subway, but I wanted to
be above ground, to see everything. And finally we stopped outside the beautiful brownstone that was as much a part of the O’Connor family as the people who lived in it.
‘A bit different from home, Mam. If things had been different, I would have grown up here,’ Mark said.
‘True, but then Bea wouldn’t have existed, and that doesn’t seem right. I suppose we can’t put this off any longer. Are you ready?’
He nodded, so together we walked up the short drive and knocked on the door.
They must have been practically sitting on the other side of the door, because it opened after seconds.
‘Lucy,’ Ryan whispered.
‘Ryan,’ I whispered back.
‘Can I hug you?’
I hadn’t expected that. I wasn’t ready for that. I shook my head.
Bea saved the moment, and invited us in. Ryan seemed to notice Mark for the first time. He looked at us in surprise. We walked into the sitting room that I’d spent so many happy moments in with Peggy and Joe, Mike and my love, my heart, my Ryan.
‘The thinking chair is still there,’ I said, pointing to the green lazy boy in the corner. I told Mark that Ryan always planned his novels from that chair. I ended feeling a little bit foolish. Who was I to say what he did any more?
‘I still do. I don’t think I could ever part with it. I reckon it’s my good luck charm.’ Ryan looked away from me to Mark, who stood beside me. I could see the confusion on his face as he looked at what could have been his younger self. There was no putting off this moment any further.
‘Ryan, I’d like you to meet my son. Mark.’
The room was silent. I moved closer to Mark, ready to protect him from whatever reaction came his way.
Father and son looked each other up and down. Finding the words was harder than I thought it would be. But I reminded myself of something Bea had said in Ireland. I did the best with the situation I found myself in. I had to live with that.
‘After I went home to Ireland, I found out I was pregnant. I’d not been well and I put it down to … well, to being heartbroken. But …’
The Moon Over Kilmore Quay Page 29
