"You leave the hide tanning to me." Alex waved his father down. The man would give himself a heart attack if he kept getting so riled up.
"If she forgives you, you are going to have to spend a hell of a lot of time making it up to her. I can only imagine what kind of hurt that girl felt when you said that."
"I know, I know. I've never been such an asshole before," Alex admitted. The men sat in silence. They both had reason to love Alyssa, and both worried they'd never see her again. The prospect made Alex nauseous.
"How did you get here, Dad? Did you drive?" Alex broke the silence.
"Yeah." Paul held up his hand to ward off the lecture Alex was about to launch. "I'm staying the night. I'll drive home in the morning. You still have that Mrs. Pacman game?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.
Alex laughed. "Of course, I do."
"Ah. A smile! You know, I didn't want to be rude when I walked in, but you look like shit." Paul stood from the table and slapped Alex on the back as he walked past him. "You don't do well without that woman. You better figure out a way to get her back."
Alex couldn't have agreed more. He didn't just want Alyssa, he needed her. Badly.
Chapter 34
"What the hell does that mean, she's fine, no worries? Erin doesn't send messages like that! She doesn't disappear like this! And where the fuck is Jonathan!" Kelly paced in the living room, ranting into the phone. Alyssa slid her feet beneath her butt on the couch to keep out of her way as she stomped back and forth.
"Yes. I'll calm down. Right after we find her and beat her." Kelly glanced at Alyssa who was watching the spectacle with a mildly amused grin. It wasn't that she wished for anything bad to happen to Erin, but she was glad for the distraction. The pitying glances over the breakfast table were beginning to take their toll.
The days dragged. Working short shifts at the diner took up most of the morning, but the afternoons were usually wasted away in the apartment. Kelly checked on her constantly. Kendrick could not have been more understanding of her taking up residence in his home, but Alyssa needed to find a more permanent solution.
Kelly mentioned Jessica's apartment needing to be sublet for the next six months, but when Alyssa turned to her at dinner the previous evening for confirmation, Jessica had shaken her head. Kelly's grunt and the shaking of the table suggested a pointed toe had made contact with Kelly's bare shin.
Jessica would not accept Alex and Alyssa were no longer a couple. She chalked up their fight to a lover's quarrel. Even after Alyssa finally broke down and told them exactly what had happened, Jessica rallied for a reconciliation. She'd been raving mad at Alex, as was Kelly, but maintained he was simply being stupid.
Spooked was the word she’d used. "He's never been in love before, not truly in love." When she had returned from Alex's apartment with half of her clothing, she’d made sure to give her the rundown of his appearance. "He hasn't shaved. I have never known that man not to shave! His eyes have huge bags under them. He's not sleeping." She continued in that manner as she helped Alyssa hang the few clothes she'd brought back.
Alyssa had worried momentarily when Jessica hadn't grabbed her ledger, but she knew the totals by heart. She’d been stashing money into that account for years with the sole purpose of paying Paul back. After she wrote the two checks, it would be depleted. The little bit of money she’d gotten from selling her mother’s car and her own before coming to Chicago had given her just enough of a balance to reach her goal. The diner found her a few shifts to get her by for the time being, but she would need to find a more permanent job. The club wasn't an option.
Brandon called her, begging her to reconsider. He jumped on Jessica's bandwagon, telling her how miserable Alex looked. "He glances over at the bar every time he comes into the lounge, looking for you," he told her. Alyssa told him she'd think about it, but it wouldn't be a wise decision. And she'd made too many unwise decisions lately.
She couldn't blame Alex for being suspicious of her change in behavior. Her sudden acceptance of herself as a submissive left even her a bit dazed. She could only imagine what it was like for him. Even though it was what he wanted, what he had been coaxing gently from her, she could understand the suspicion. It was the sudden anger, the accusations without reason, that left her uneasy and confused.
Stephen was involved; she would bet her lunch on it. He'd called her asking if she wanted to share a ride back home. She'd turned him down of course. The reasons she left home hadn't changed. She wasn't going back there. And she sure as hell wasn't going back to him.
She felt bad about not answering Paul's calls. He hadn't done anything wrong. But if she talked with him, he'd have her crying all over again. He'd want to get involved, and she wasn't ready for that. She'd go out to see him as soon as she was able to find a way out there.
"Well, Erin is MIA." Kelly tossed her phone on the coffee table.
The clank of the phone hitting the table pulled Alyssa back to the present.
"Jessica can't get an answer out of her, and she won't answer me. I'm ready to send Kendrick on the hunt."
"I'm not hunting down Erin," Kendrick said bluntly as he walked into the living room sporting a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt that hugged every inch of his hard body. Alyssa shook her head. She missed Alex's body. His hard stomach, his warm smile, his attentive fingers.
"Why not?" asked Kelly.
"She's a grown woman. She says she's fine, she's fine. You and Jessica need to leave her be." He pointed a finger in her direction. His expression suggested there was more going on than he was willing to divulge. "Now," he turned to Alyssa before Kelly could begin her rant again, "Alex called." He held up a hand. "No, you aren't going to start protesting yet. I haven't said anything." He gave a laugh and turned to Kelly. "You’re not a good influence on her."
"What did he want?" Kelly asked, plopping down beside Alyssa.
"He’s coming over." He held up both hands to stop them from saying a word. "No objections. It's been almost a week. I'm not keeping him from Alyssa anymore."
"I don't want to see him," Alyssa said softly, but it wasn't true. She wanted answers. She wanted relief from the increased pressure in her chest that threatened to choke her whenever she thought about him.
"I'll talk to him for you," Kelly promised.
"You will not. You will stay out of it. What do you think would have happened if Jessica had been able to keep me away from you when you needed me?" He folded his arms over his chest and stared down at Kelly. Alyssa knew that look. Kelly was done for.
"It's not entirely the same thing," Kelly muttered. "Not at all."
"Maybe not. But if Alyssa really doesn't want to see him, she'll tell him herself. We are going out. Get dressed."
"Are you going to be okay? Do you want us to stay?" Kelly touched Alyssa’s arm.
"No, no. Kendrick's right. I need to face him. It will be fine. I'll be fine." Alyssa patted her hand. "You better get going before that eyebrow disappears from his forehead all together," she whispered.
"Surrounded by a bunch of smart asses," Kendrick mumbled as he walked toward the kitchen. "Five minutes, Kelly. And don't try that V-neck tank again!"
"Such a prude." Kelly grinned. "You sure you'll be okay?"
"I'll be fine. Kendrick's right. I have to face him. End things."
"Is that what you really want?"
Alyssa chewed on her lip. "I don't know what I want," she confessed. "I know I don't want to burden you anymore."
"Shut up! You are no burden. Look, take a shower. Do your hair, slap on some lip-gloss, then, when he grovels at your feet, you'll know what to do." Kelly patted her knee, climbed over the couch, and jumped over the back.
Alyssa admired the carefree way Kelly lived. She enjoyed every moment. There was no worry for the future, but she had Kendrick. Would Alyssa find that? Had she found that and was she now throwing it away?
Kelly and Kendrick called out their departure as she stepped out of the shower. Kendrick had t
old her Alex would be by within the hour, which didn't give her much time to get ready. She combed and dried her hair, leaving it to hang loosely around her shoulders. Having never been one for much makeup, she used a sparing amount of mascara. Taking a look at herself in the mirror, she shrugged. She hadn't eaten much the past week, and she could see it in her face. Her cheeks were sunken and there were shadows under her eyes from all the crying she did at night when she was sure no one could hear her.
The bell rang as she stepped down into the living room. After a few deep breaths, she opened the door to find Alex standing in front of her. She wasn't sure exactly what she had expected, but it hadn't been his stern expression.
"Hi," he finally said, his face softening. "I wasn't sure if I'd be fighting Kelly to get in.”
"Kendrick took her out. Do you want to come in?" She moved to the side.
"Alyssa." Her name sounded pained in his voice. "I…" He shook his head and launched into his apology. "I was an ass. A complete fucking ass, and you have every right to throw me out."
"Yes, I do." She nodded. His appearance lacked the usual sharpness. His hair looked as though he'd combed it with his fingers in the elevator. "Do you want something to drink?" she asked, walking past him to the kitchen. The tingling in her body at his presence told her everything she needed to know. But could she trust her body?
He followed her into the kitchen, pulling her hand to stop her from moving.
"You know how much I hate when you don't answer your phone." He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her.
"Seriously?" She pushed him away to look up at him. Emotions played in his eyes: fear, worry?
He raked a hand through his hair. "I shouldn't have been so distant. I shouldn't have listened to that asshole, Stephen. And I shouldn't have allowed myself to worry so damn much. It's not like me to worry. I don't worry."
"Yes, you do," she interrupted. "You worry what your friends and dad would think if they knew about the club. If they knew what sort of man you really are. You worry they won't see you as the carefree, laid-back guy anymore. That they'll think you’re some ogre."
His piercingly blue eyes widened at her words. His hands fidgeted, then shoved into his jeans. "You're right." His voice was soft.
"Well, they know. At least your friends do. And you worried for fucking nothing. Kendrick is just as much like you as Royce. You know all three of you have been hiding the same damn secret from each other. One knows about the other but doesn't know about the third. It's exhausting!" She crossed her arms over her chest, finding more gumption.
"Dad does too." He surprised her. "And now that everything's out in the open, I realize what an idiot I was for hiding it. But I was a bigger idiot when it came to you. Alyssa, I've never been afraid of relationships before, and I think it's because they've all been safe before. Sandra was safe because it was vanilla and not going anywhere, and the others? Well…they were flings, not relationships. With you, it was different. With you, I never wanted to let you go. I don't want to let you go. I won't let you go." He took a ragged breath.
"Then Stephen came into my office spewing all sorts of bullshit, and it just completely justified my worry and my stupidity, and then I ruined fucking everything." If it was an attempt at humility, he was failing. His tone was stern, angry even, but not at her. The urge to reassure him, to soothe him, fought her urge to throw him out. But she wouldn’t.
"You are always on my ass about telling you everything. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I've already established I was an idiot," he pointed out. "Why didn't you tell me about Stephen harassing you? I found out from Brandon he's been in the club almost nightly, chasing you, texting you? Kelly even said he showed up here." His expression soured, eyes darkened, and lips tightened.
"Wait. Wait." She shook a hand in the air. "I haven't forgiven you yet. You can't get mad at me. We aren't together anymore." She held up a finger.
"Fair enough." He nodded. "But once we resolve this…" he jerked a finger between them, "we will resolve the other thing."
"You think it's that simple?" She fisted her hands and placed them on her hips. She wasn't getting much of a fight out of him. Didn't he realize she woke up that morning thinking they were done, over, he was gone forever?
"No." His voice softened. "It's not that simple. I really hurt you. The last thing in the world I ever wanted to do was hurt you, and still, I did a whopper of a job. You are hands down, the best damn thing to happen to me. The refreshing frustration I needed."
Two steps, and he was in front of her, pressing her against the counter, but not touching her. "I've never been ashamed of who I am, but you've shown me my actions proved otherwise.” He cupped her chin with one hand.
"You let Stephen get between us," she whispered. "You thought horrible things about me. You couldn't do that if you cared for me."
"I don't care for you." He tightened his hold when she began to pull away. "I love you, Alyssa. And that scared me, which makes no sense. I've never been afraid of love, but what I feel with you? It's not just love. It's so fucking intense. You've been able to trust me. After all the shit that's happened in your past, you should have been scared shitless of me, but you weren't. Cautious, yes, but not scared. You opened up to me, you trusted me, you gave yourself to me. You are nothing like your mother. You are loving, and caring, and honest, and everything you shouldn’t be. You defy logic." He ran his thumb over her lips.
She stared at him silently, absorbing his words. As groveling went, he was doing a fairly decent job. "I love you too." The words fell from her lips, releasing a tension in her chest that had been choking her. "You really hurt me," she added.
"I'm really sorry," he said, his voice barely a whisper. "I'd rather take fifty lashes than ever do it again."
She cocked an eyebrow. "Well, that's an idea."
He laughed, pulling her to him and crushing his mouth to hers. No resistance, she melted into him.
Chapter 35
Relief flooded Alex's veins as he held Alyssa. So fucking close, too close, he'd come to losing her, to letting her run away from him. The entire way to Kelly's apartment, he'd vowed to never hurt her again if she gave him another chance.
He ended their kiss and pulled her to his chest, hugging her tightly. "Promise me you'll never hide things from me? Things like Stephen wanting you back and pestering you."
She looked up at him, eyes wide and a gentle blush on her cheeks. "I suppose I owe you an apology for that."
"You are lucky he wasn't dangerous. Kelly almost got herself killed keeping secrets from Kendrick. If I had known he was bothering you, I would have put a stop to it."
When Kelly had told him the asshole had come to his apartment looking for Alyssa, he'd wanted to put his fist through a wall. The feeling only got stronger when Brandon admitted she'd been batting him away from her in the club for weeks.
"He's not dangerous." She shook her head. "I should have told you. I'm just not used to not taking care of things myself. But I'm working on it."
“We’ll work on it. Together.” He brushed his lips across hers once, then twice, before capturing her in a long, soul-ripping kiss.
“I love you,” she whispered when his lips lifted.
“I love you too.”
Chapter 36
"I can't believe you’re really going to punish me." Alyssa glared at him over his kitchen table—their kitchen table. He had made it perfectly clear that any attempt to find a place of her own would be dealt with harshly and precisely. Her accusation of being a prisoner had been met with a playful swat.
"I can't believe you thought I wouldn't." His eyes peered over the morning paper at her.
"We broke up."
"No. We had a fight. You hid from me for over a week and then we made up. But that's not what I'm punishing you for, although, I think it is worthy of another punishment."
"Alex!" She dropped her spoon into her oatmeal. Ever since she'd moved her stuff back into his apartment
, he'd become almost unbearably authoritative.
He folded the paper neatly and tucked it under his plate. "There is another matter we need to discuss." Pulling out his wallet, he retrieved the two checks she had sent Paul. Her stomach twisted. "These are bullshit," he said plainly, tossing them on the table.
"Alex—"
"I get that you felt you were taking charity, and that your stubborn pride wouldn't allow for the fact that my father and my mother simply cared for you and wanted to be sure you had what you needed. To be honest, I think if my father had ever witnessed your mother being worse than she was, you and I would be siblings right now." He paused and put a hand up. "Never mind. I don't want to think it."
She wanted to laugh over the repulsed expression that crossed his features, but thought better of it. She was attempting not to get herself in trouble. In all honesty, hiding Stephen's advances was wrong. He posed no threat, but he could have gone off the deep end. As it was, he had returned to Missouri and began pestering a few old exes there. He was lonely. Telling Alex any of that at the moment wouldn't be beneficial, she decided.
"My father is ready to 'tan your hide' over this check." Alex stabbed the incriminating slip of paper with his finger. "Don't worry, I told him I'd take care of it."
"What?" She hadn't meant to shout, not really. "You told your father—that?" The heat in her cheeks warmed the entire kitchen, and his boyish grin didn't do much to cool her off.
"I told him to leave the hide tanning to me," he answered with a shrug of indifference. "But we decided something else instead. Bradley and I have decided to buy out Travis and John. They are just eating up too much of the damn profits. And you have a knack for managing the club, regardless of your doubts. So, Dad and I are taking this money," he scooped up the checks. "And using it to buy a few shares of the club in your name. It's not a gift. Your money is buying it, and you will own ten percent of the club. That includes the two floors below. "
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