by Kat T. Masen
“Mr. Baker, I hope I’m not interrupting anything important?” he politely asks.
“Not at all, Mr. Grimmer. I trust you received my email?”
There’s a pause. I know it—who am I fucking kidding?
“I’ll be frank. The quality of your work is mediocre. It lacks that certain element, that magic.”
I rub my face with my free hand. It fucking lacked being on coke. Is that what I need to follow my dream? A sweet line to seal the deal?
“Listen, son. We often find a muse. Whatever it may be, there’s something, someone accompanying you on this journey. Find it again, and the writing will flow. You understand what I’m saying?”
I nod, remembering he can’t see me. “I understand.”
He asks to see an update in two weeks.
Until then, I have no choice.
No choice whatsoever.
***
The road is dark and windy, even the moon seems obscured behind the night clouds. Like every other time I’ve gone up this road, I do so cautiously—eyes focused, mind fractured with emotions.
This time the emotion is guilt.
I grip the steering wheel wanting so desperately to close my eyes for a moment, but my focus needs to remain on the road.
I hear his words echo in my head.
The voice telling me to leave her alone.
The threat to end my life should I dare go near her.
I want to conquer this battle. All I have to do is turn around and head back home.
Home, not to my dealer.
Weak. Pathetic. Worthless. The words scream at me.
I’m a coward.
I slam my foot on the brake, forcing the car to a halt. I sit still, heart pumping as the engine continues to tick over. It’s a desperate bid to save myself from the misery and disgrace which has once again come over me.
With my last attempt to redeem myself, I slam my foot on the gas, turn the car around and head in the opposite direction.
I did it. I won the battle this time.
As I take a sharp turn around the bend, I notice the skid marks on the road followed by the smell of burned rubber in the air. My eyes dart to a faint light flickering by the tree down the hill. There are no other houses on this stretch of the road, and something tells me someone is down there. I pull the car off to the side of the road, grabbing my cell before quickly hopping out and running down the hill toward the light. In the darkness, I stumble on sticks and stones and hear the sounds of animals lurking around me. Fuck, it scares the living daylights out of me until my heart stops in a panic, my legs beginning to shake, and my throat runs dry.
My brain scrambles to make sense of what I see in front of me.
The license plate.
Charlie!
The adrenaline is pumping through my veins as the cries for help draw nearer.
I run so fast my chest is burning while I’m out of breath. With time not on my side, I quickly examine the car and see the door is wedged in. There’s no chance I can pull it open, the magnitude of this accident crippling me with fear.
The window is slightly ajar, and I see her head resting against the shattered glass.
“Help me… help me, please.” Her voice is weak, barely recognizable.
“Charlie? Charlie? It’s me, Julian!” I crouch down to her level, close enough to see the blood trickling down her forehead. I try my hardest to disguise the look of terror on my face, not wanting to frighten her
“Julian?” she whimpers.
I scramble to the back of the SUV and climb in until I’m sitting beside her in the passenger seat. Without even thinking, I grab her hand to feel her pulse, trying to remember my first-aid training. Placing the pad of my two fingers on her wrist, I press lightly and begin counting the beats per minute. Doing my mental calculations, I try to determine the strength in her heartbeat.
Her pulse is faint.
First rule—remain calm.
How?
How can I remain fucking calm when the woman I love, the woman who’s supposed to be my future is lying in this wreckage, her pulse barely detectable, on the brink of possibly dying in my arms? Not to mention, she’s heavily pregnant with a child.
Fuck! The baby.
I pull out my cell. It has one bar of reception. With shaky hands, I dial 9-1-1.
“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”
“I need an ambulance. I found a woman crashed into a tree.” The panic is evident in my voice. I reach out to hold Charlie’s hand. Her eyes are wide, and they look back at me in horror. She squeezes her eyes tight, letting out a startling scream. Her lips are quivering, and she mentions the word ‘baby.’ Immediately, I look to her legs and see blood stains along her thighs. Adrenaline floods my system, pumping on full throttle desperately trying to escape my body.
The phone starts to crackle. “Sir? Sir? Can you hear me?” The cell beeps, ending the call.
“Shit! Charlie, where’s your cell?”
“The battery died… Julian. My baby… it’s coming now.”
Charlie can’t lose this baby. She doesn’t deserve this.
Remain calm, keep her talking. Anything until help arrives, but get her the fuck out of this car, or we’re both dead.
“Okay, just breathe. Charlie, I need to move you out of the car, okay? Can you move all your body parts?”
She winces, and after a few moments, she nods.
I explain to her what I’m about to do. I have to move her delicately as I’m not sure if anything is broken. God, what if it is? Don’t. Just don’t right now.
It’s difficult to maneuver her body, but somehow, I manage to scoop her in my arms enough to move her out of the wreckage. I can feel the muscles in my back strain as I carry her out and walk as far away from the car as possible. The smell of gas saunters in the air. It’s a ticking time bomb ready to go off.
Just like Chelsea.
Only this time, Charlie is out.
Half the battle is won.
Farther up the hill, I place her down beside the tree on a small clearing. She takes deep breaths, visibly in pain. I reach for my cell again, but as I attempt to dial 9-1-1 for the second time, the screen goes blank. The enormity and realization of this situation paralyze me for a moment. Who’s going to save us now? I look back at Charlie. There’s no question, pray to the Lord she’ll be saved. Do what you can do to keep her alive. I have no medical training, but I have to keep her conscious. It’s a waiting game for someone to rescue us knowing I won’t be able to carry her up the steep hill in the dark without assistance.
“Charlie, slow breaths. Can you tell me what happened?”
She nods again as she tries to control her breathing. “I just dropped Amelia off at Lex’s parents’ house, and as I was driving, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach and I lost control. The baby is coming… help me, please… I don’t want my baby to die.” Tears cover her face. She gulps for air as the panic sets in again.
“Charlie, you won’t lose the baby. How many weeks are you?”
“Only thirty-six…”
I try to wrack my brain and remember something I had read on premature labor. At thirty-six weeks, the baby has a good chance of survival. The lungs, what about the lungs, brain? Fuck, oh yes, the lungs may be underdeveloped.
How is that helping right now? There’s no doubt about it, I’m panicking at the thought of her losing the baby, of losing Charlie.
This isn’t Chelsea.
I’m fighting with everything I have to save her. “Okay, listen to me, we’ll get through this. Do you have a blanket in the car?”
“In the back… don’t leave me, Julian. I’m so scared.” Charlie pulls my arm with the only strength she has left.
“Shh… I’ll quickly go get it.”
In record speed, I run down the hill to fetch the blanket, knowing there’s a chance the car could explode at any moment. I spot the blanket lying on the back seat. With the doors unable to open, I grab the rock beside my foot an
d smash the glass. Reaching in, I feel the jagged glass pierce my skin, but it doesn’t stop me from pulling the blanket through. I see a bottle of water and fetch that as well. With contents in hand, I run as fast as humanly possible up the hill and back to Charlie.
I see the calm set in her eyes until she clutches onto her stomach and screams in agony. The contractions are only two minutes apart. Oh God. Where the fuck is that miracle? I’ve never believed in God after Chelsea was taken away, but if anyone can make a miracle happen right now, it has to be the Lord Almighty.
Moving her hair away from her face, I examine the cut just below her hairline. It’s not too deep and shouldn’t be my biggest concern. It’s the baby now that needs saving.
“I need Lex… I need my husband…” she wails.
My heart aches as she calls his name, but she needs him, and I need to get him here along with an ambulance—anything to save Charlie.
“I’ll try to call him, Charlie.”
I yank my cell from my pocket, ignoring the poor signal as she whispers his number in short breaths. The phone rings out. I try again. I try ten fucking times until it picks up.
“Who the fuck is this, and what the hell do you want?” he answers coldly.
“Charlie… she’s been in an accident…” The crackling overpowers the phone.
“Charlie, what?” he yells.
“Charlie’s been in an accident!” The phone dies.
I need to reassure her—the stress isn’t helping the baby. The longer the baby stays inside, the better.
“Okay, listen to me… Charlie, you need to try and remain as calm as possible. 9-1-1 will track my cell, and I’m sure Lex will, too. They’ll be here shortly. We need to keep your baby calm, okay?”
She nods, understanding it’s the only thing we can do right now. I can see her eyes close, the fatigue overpowering her.
“Talk to me, Charlie. Tell me about when Amelia was born. Tell me about some of your happiest memories.”
I’m pulling out all the stops. She needs to remain conscious. If she doesn’t get through this, neither will I. She nods again, faintly. I hold her hand, trying to maintain contact with her, so she won’t fall asleep.
“I was terrified when Amelia was born because I had already lost a baby, Lex’s baby. I didn’t want to have to go through that again. Lex was calm… he was so calm. My grandmother came to me… she was there and told me everything was going to be okay. But she’s not here now, Julian. I don’t see her.”
Lex’s baby? Okay, now isn’t the time to delve into her history, but fuck me every which way, this now explains her ties with him.
“I see Chelsea a lot, too.”
My voice is quivering as I realize that this is it, this is going to lift the huge burden weighing on my shoulders. My heart, soul, every ounce of my being is caught up in a tangled mess as that déjà vu feeling consumes me. The image of paramedics arriving, the body bag being wheeled in front of me. Her parents arriving at the scene and hearing their excruciating screams surrounding us as they fought with the police officers and begged to see their daughter.
“She was the girl I fell in love with, but she died. Sometimes I see her… she talks to me. She watches over me like an angel. Yet, in my darkest times, I don’t see her, and I predict my death.”
I wipe away the tear escaping her eyes. “I know you’re scared, Charlie, but just because you can’t see her doesn’t mean your life is over. Tell me something else, tell me about your happy place?”
It’s a textbook question—positive thoughts lead to a positive outcome.
“Lex is my happy place… Lex and Amelia. They are my family. They are my reason for living. Amelia started playgroup with my nephew, Andy, a few days ago. She loves the interaction with the kids so much. Lex was upset that she just walked away from us… not even a wave or a backward glance.” She lets out the smallest of laughs. “He’s so good with her. I never doubted for a moment that he’d be a good father, but to see with my own eyes how much he loves her? I could have a dozen more kids. I love him so much. I don’t want to leave him alone in this world…” She sobs, and there’s no stopping her.
“Charlie, you won’t. We’ll get through this, and before you know it, you’ll be back in his arms and back at home with your family,” I say the words, stunned at my selfless act, confused where it’s coming from.
“Julian… I’m sorry…”
“Shh, Charlie. Think about your future. Think about your family.”
As I continue to talk, she lets out a terrified scream. “The baby is coming…”
“Charlie, look at me,” I beg.
Her chocolate-brown eyes stare back at me, rasping breaths follow as her moaning becomes louder. I want to erase her pain, take it all away and bring back the beautiful, strong, and confident Charlie I’ve grown to know and love.
I want to see her smile.
I want to see a glow spread over her face.
And there’s nothing more I want than for her to make more happy memories.
Even if it’s without me.
I have to be honest, she needs to help me help her, or chances are this baby and Charlie won’t survive.
“There’s a chance you may have the baby, but I promise you, I’ll do everything I can to help you, okay?”
She is breathing heavily, and I can see she’s writhing in pain. I open the bottle and hand it to her to drink. She takes small sips but lets out a loud cry as another contraction hits.
“I need to… need to push…” she stutters.
“Charlie, I know this isn’t how you imagined having this baby. But I need you to focus—”
My words are cut off as her scream echoes through the night, the wildlife terrified, all flying the coop. I hold her hand, not knowing what the fuck I need to do. Okay, remember when Josie was in the hospital? No, moron, you were in the waiting room and were only twelve years old. Fuck, honestly.
“Julian… I feel the head…”
Even in the cool night, the sweat is dripping off my forehead. I position myself between her legs. Babies come out of vaginas, right? Where else do they come out of, moron? It’s not like I haven’t seen her before. Oh my God, shut up, head!
“Okay, Charlie. I’m ready if you need to push, okay? I have a blanket here. And squeeze my hand if you need to.”
Charlie grabs my hand and squeezes so damn hard I feel my knuckles crack. She sucks in air, then lets out a loud wail followed by a tiny whimper. I look down and feel my eyes bulge out in disbelief.
Holy fuck, it’s a baby’s head.
“Okay, Charlie, one more push. You can do this. I see the head.”
My heart is pounding in my chest, but I try to ignore it, slowing down my breathing remembering what I need to do. With silent prayers, I pray to the Lord above to bless Charlie and this child with a full life ahead of them. Should he need to take someone, take me, I’m not worthy of being here.
There’s no warning. She grabs on tight again, and this time I focus on the baby, trying to guide it out gently with my spare hand. Charlie leans her head forward, squeezing my hand so tight while releasing a gut-wrenching scream. My hand barely catches the baby, the speed of which surprises me as the baby lets out ragged cries. Quickly, I wrap it up while Charlie stares at the tiny baby in awe. I see Charlie’s eyes flutter, causing my familiar panic to reappear.
The blood.
The screaming.
The umbilical cord is still attached.
I shake Charlie slightly to keep her conscious and hand her the baby.
“Look, Charlie… it’s your baby.”
“My baby…” she mumbles, eyes closing. “My baby is alive?”
“Yes, and it’s beautiful.”
Charlie is beaming despite her exhaustion, barely able to keep her eyes open or focused. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
Gee idiot, you could’ve checked that. I look beneath the blanket, a little confused by the cord. “It’s a baby girl… you have yourself a be
autiful baby girl.”
She smiles, but I see the light fading.
I continue to talk, ramble, whatever. “Look, she has your brown hair, and I think… I see a hint of green eyes. Just like Lex’s.” The words come out of my mouth, surprising even myself. This child is a blessing. Even though it has his blood running through her veins, witnessing this moment, I’m honored. Yet like a double-edged sword, I know everything I feel for Charlie does not measure up to the love they have for each other. These blessings create an everlasting bond which can’t and shouldn’t be broken by selfish acts.
And in this moment, I realize my life, my actions are one big selfish act.
I continue to watch Charlie interact with her daughter while I hold her against her chest.
Even in her frail state, I’m vulnerable staring at her beauty and everything she represents in my life.
Charlie is everything I want in a woman, everything I want in a soul mate. But what do you do when that whole life you envisioned, the one wrapped up in that neat little package along with white picket fence and minivan is slipping away from you?
Worse yet, what if you’re the one pushing it away?
In the distance, the sound of sirens blare on repeat, the loud annoying noise drawing closer to us. I scream for help, a worthless move considering the noise overpowers my pleas. The lights turn around the bend, and the paramedics slow down, pulling alongside my car.
It’s only a matter of moments before I see them run down the hill with their equipment and stretcher, followed by a distressed Lex.
“Charlotte!” He falls to the ground, his lips trembling with fear.
Cradling her body in his arms, it takes him a few seconds to realize she’s holding the baby to her chest. The lady paramedic asks Lex to move out of the way so she can examine Charlie and the baby. Lex argues but soon realizes his wife and baby need assistance.
The male paramedic is kneeling on the ground assessing Charlie’s laceration. He turns his head to ask me what happened.
“I saw the car in the ditch and found her inside. She told me she crashed because she had a contraction.” I continue on with a shaky voice, “I found her in the car, but I couldn’t open the door. Her head was bleeding, but it was a superficial cut. I asked her if she could move all her body parts, and she said yes, so I gently moved her through the trunk as I was paranoid the car would explode.”
