by Jackie Weger
“I wanted to give you time to think about this thing between us.”
The attraction flared with his close proximity. He searched my eyes. He was gauging my reaction to him. Because he wanted me and saw I wanted him, too.
He reached over and caressed my cheek as if I were a delicate flower. “I find myself quite selfish, but my conscience dictates that I lay out what lies ahead if we follow our hearts. I have never given a damn for other people’s opinions. They hold no importance to me. I can survive under their scrutiny. It is you I worry about.”
I would have been completely ignorant not to realize what he was insinuating. The reality of the situation was that the town would be judgmental as well as our families.
He went on. “My life is in chaos. My wife died under mysterious circumstances less than a year ago. The country is at war, which I hold guilt for not fighting in it despite my injury. I have been stressed with trying to keep the Pride profitable. But the other day, something finally felt right —you.”
“Me?” I asked.
“I will say it out loud so there is no misunderstanding. I want you in my life.”
The answer came quickly and, despite his initial reservations, he had shared with confidence. I gathered he wanted to protect me like I was vulnerable to the tongues that wagged in town, but he didn’t know me well enough to understand that I had survived their whispers for years.
For the first time, it was Matt who was experiencing the harm rumors could do.
“Perhaps we can take care and see where this goes,” I suggested.
He frowned. “There is one thing. I don’t want you on Brother Clayton’s arm…”
“I will talk with Frazier,” I interrupted with an alarming amount of confidence that surged through me to see he was jealous.
“You don’t want me to wine and dine you?” he asked with a sparkle in his eyes.
“Yes…no…not yet.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” he said. “What if we use Tanner’s Lodge as a refuge? We could go fishing and riding. I could move a couple of the horses to the stable there. We would have privacy from prying eyes.”
The cabin was situated about ten miles out of town, around four from Goldie’s. A surge of optimism swept through me while, at the same time, it felt unreal. I found myself readied to grasp at any crazy plan for us to see each other.
“I would like that.”
He stared at me for a long moment. I thought he was going to kiss me, but the sound of a car driving up stopped him. We took a step back from each other.
It was Claire. I imagined she had come to see her mother.
“I will meet you later this afternoon by the bridge,” he said right before he turned to greet Claire.
My heart surged. I needed nothing else but the knowledge that he wanted to see me. Happiness tingled through me the rest of the day. I refused for anything to stand in the way of my joy, not even Claire’s looks during her visit.
There was a moment when Claire was leaving that I thought she was going to say something. She paused at the door with her back to me, turned and stared at me, but seemed to think better of it. Instead, she said nothing and left.
Her actions made me think. Had she picked up that there was something between Matt and me? The implications weren’t lost on me.
Slowly, my conscience emerged. The realization that—despite my insistence—there was nothing romantic between Frazier and me, to the town, we were a couple. Moreover, the words he spoke to Ellie Mae about our relationship couldn’t simply be dismissed.
I had been a coward, choosing not to talk with Frazier. I would have to summon the courage to face him.
Five o’clock came. After setting the table for Ginny Rose for her dinner, I made a meatloaf and put it in the oven. I readied to leave.
Riding my bike down to the end of the driveway, I hesitated. My thoughts went back to the first time I saw Frazier. I believed him an angel. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen. The Godly words he spoke touched my heart.
His sincerity in commitment to the Lord was evident in his words and deeds. His kindness to Helen Walker inspired me. He never forgot she still lived on the campsite and went every week to check on her needs.
Since that first meeting, my opinion had changed very little. Neither had my feelings for him. I liked him well enough, but there was no emotion in our relationship.
I truly wasn’t sure how I began sitting in the front pew every Sunday, nor do I remember any words from Frazier about the future. After Alfie had vanished, we just were.
He talked only about the Lord and the work that needed to be done. I believe that he liked that I didn’t say much but observed and listened. I wasn’t afraid of hard work and believed in the Lord Almighty.
Then again, we had never gone out on what one would call a date. We had never gone out for dinner or even a movie. Frazier came over and ate with us.
Goldie said I would make the perfect preacher’s wife. That may have been, but Frazier hadn’t mentioned marriage to me, which that in itself was odd. He said more to a parishioner than he had me. Most courtships around these parts didn’t last this long before at least being engaged.
Vivienne Montgomery knew her last husband less than a week before they married. Most couples married within three months of their courtship. For Frazier and me, it had been more than eight months. I would have been surprised if there weren’t whispers of some sort that something was wrong between us before now.
I looked to my right but turned left toward Oak Flatt Baptist Church. Before I saw Matt again, I had to address Frazier. I knew it wouldn’t have been right otherwise.
Nervously, I stopped at the parsonage house and laid my bike against the side wall. The windows were open. Frazier liked the fresh air and thought an air conditioner was a luxury a preacher shouldn’t use.
Knocking lightly, I entered without waiting for an answer. Frazier was at his desk writing Sunday’s sermon. He looked up and smiled. “Cady Blue, what brings you here?”
There was a silence. I felt very, very cold with dread, and wished the ground were not so hard beneath my feet. My eyes followed him when he rose and stood directly in front of me. I suddenly found myself mute.
“My dear, is it as bad as that?”
I nodded slowly. “I don’t know how to tell you…I can’t do this anymore.”
Frazier’s face fell. He looked at me for a long moment and realized I was serious. “Don’t do this,” he finally said. “I need you.”
“Do you?” I asked. “We have never talked about anything other than the congregation. You should have someone—”
He shook his head. “We were going to do so much good together. I thought you knew.”
“I’m so terribly sorry.”
“No!” A flash of anger crossed his face. He came toward me, then hesitated. “You can’t do this.”
Facing him, I could tell from the set of his jaw and the steely look that he was furiously angry. His intense reaction stunned me.
“Surely, this couldn’t come as a surprise. I have been confused about our situation for a long time…”
“Confused? I think not,” he said harshly. “I believe it has more to do with lust. Sins of the flesh. You have made a fool of me. I have ignored the ugly rumors about Matt Pritchard and you. I have defended you, but it seems it is true. I thought you better than that.”
“Frazier!” I exclaimed, aghast at his assumption. “You know me better than that.”
“Don’t take me for a fool! I have seen the way he looks at you. Now go,” he said. “I will pray for your mortal soul, but I can’t abide to see you again.”
I was dumbfounded. His words hit me hard. My legs were weighted to the ground. I found I couldn’t move for a time. It was obvious that I had been obtuse to his feelings.
Tears I held flooded down my face once I was able to walk out of the house. In a blur, I grabbed my bike, but strong hands gripped mine.
“I f
igured you would tell him today. I couldn’t let you do this on your own,” Matt whispered. “I just don’t want to make my presence known. I’ll put the bike in the back of the truck. Let’s go up to the cabin now.”
In silence, I walked behind him to the truck, but as soon as we were on the road. I burst into tears again. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him.
When we arrived at the cabin, my spirits lifted. We sat on the back deck with my head on his shoulder. I felt safe in his arms and never wanted to leave this sanctuary he had provided.
“Don’t mind what your preacher said. It’s better this way. You’re not in love with him, are you?”
“No. Of course not. How could I be when I’m in…” My words faded. I once more fell silent.
He lifted my face up to his. “You are such a trusting soul. An innocent. When your preacher man talked of sins of the flesh, you had no idea what they are because you have never experienced what it is like to feel the need to have someone.”
I felt my face flame. Matt had eavesdropped on my conversation with Frazier, but I said nothing. He was right. I had little understanding. Growing up on a farm, I had seen a stallion mount a broodmare. A bull, a cow. I knew that men and women created babies much in the same way, but confessed I had little knowledge of what went on between a married couple.
Goldie wasn’t one to tell me much on the subject of sex. She hadn’t even told me about my period. The first time I’d had one, I thought I was bleeding to death.
Once, I had tried to talk to Ginny Rose. She became tight-lipped but had told me when I married, my husband would explain. Then, she added that sex was an obligation to marriage and honoring one’s husband, which didn’t sound much like she enjoyed the responsibility.
Matt stared at me for a long moment as if contemplating his next move. He caressed my face. “I want nothing more than to show you. I imagine once we start this fire between us, you will blaze very fiercely.”
I didn’t comprehend his exact meaning but understood this ache I had when he touched me. I realized quite clearly any rational thoughts vanished in his presence. Being close to him had released within me a certain reckless spirit of adventure and sparked a curiosity.
“But not yet.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not looking for a casual affair with you. It’s best to slow this down and just enjoy each other’s company until the time is right.”
In my innocence, I gave him my trust. I told him my greatest secret. “I hear bells,” I began. “You need to know that. I can’t control them. They come at the most inopportune moments. Most times, I can push them aside, but there have been a few instances when I simply can’t function. I can’t talk or move.”
“I can appreciate that,” he said gently. “You went through a trauma when you were young. I don’t believe that it’s that uncommon when you have dealt with a shock. I saw it many times while I was in the war.”
“You don’t find it strange?”
“No,” he said. “Heartbreaking, perhaps, but not strange. Before the U.S. entered the war, there were times when I thought I would never come home again. Not only when I was on a bombing mission. Germany bombed the hell out of England for months. The constant threat of bombs falling out of the sky wears on you.
“It was an unnerving feeling back in ’40 after Dunkirk to know that England stood alone against the Nazis. We all knew it was only a matter of time before the U.S. entered the war, but we worried it would be too late. The airfields had been targeted. We were at a constant status of alert, waiting for the bell to ring to signal it was time to take off.
“It seemed hopeless. I remember Churchill saying we would never surrender, and that’s what we fed off of. There was no time for emotions. Even when we struck back and dropped bombs over Berlin, you could never contemplate the lives you took or the thought that you have smashed a city to smithereens. If you did take the time to think, you couldn’t function. I saw buddies of mine have trouble handling what we faced. Big strong men. So, no, I don’t think it’s strange,” he said. “I believe it makes you appreciate the simple things in life. That’s what is most important.”
I looked up at him quickly, searching his face. He wasn’t like Frazier, whose one purpose was to serve his congregation. Yet, I saw the compassion he held for others in his eyes. He had both a tenderness and gentleness within him.
In his arms, I felt safe, and the bells seemed far away.
Tanner’s Lodge became our happy place, an escape from the outside world. There was no one else but the two of us. As often as we could get away during the week, we would sneak off for an hour or so to fish and ride.
Weekends were hard for me to escape Goldie. There was a lot of work on the farm that needed to be done. I was certain Goldie suspected, but she hadn’t said a word about Matt.
Though she made it clear to me her stance on Frazier. “You’ve made the biggest mistake of your life,” Goldie said. “But I reckon it ain’t gonna do any good telling ya that now.”
I told myself that it was my life. My decisions. But I understood her concern. I had already encountered the displeasure of the congregation to the point that I wasn’t attending service, but when I saw Matt’s face, all the obstacles between us faded into oblivion.
During this time, Matt had been a complete gentleman. He hadn’t even kissed me since that first time out to his cabin, but there was an intimacy I couldn’t explain that went further than the talks we shared. Out at the cabin, life was simple.
Behind the front door of the cabin, Matt kept a calendar. He turned the page over to the new month like he was counting down in his head.
June came.
“Would you like to go over to Maryville for a movie?” he asked. “Casablanca is playing. I have heard good things about it.”
I had wanted to see the movie, but our first venture out in public made me afraid it would ruin what we had. It was a thought I couldn’t bear, but he gave me one of his smiles I couldn’t refuse.
“How about next Saturday? I will come and pick you up around four,” Matt said with confidence that I had no choice but to accept. He laughed. “We will face the wrath of Goldie together.”
I was deep in the throes of love. I discovered a faith in him that served as a shield against all who would be against us. Nervous and excited, I had the rest of the week to prepare.
The next morning was not so tedious as it might have been. Ginny Rose had set her mind to weeding the garden. I myself enjoyed being out in the fresh morning air. I knelt among the fat dahlia blossoms and pulled out grass.
Ginny Rose sat and watched from the lawn chair. She wore a large straw hat to protect her from the sun, but the sun might have done her good. She looked pale and feeble as she pushed her glasses back on her nose.
I gave her a small smile. “Are you feeling alright? You don’t look well.”
“I have a worry on my mind.” Her voice was as tranquil as ever, but I detected a slight edge to it. “Oh, tell me, child, why did you ruin your chance with that young preacher?”
Immediately I knew someone had told her. I took a deep breath to answer her but lost my nerve when I saw how devastated she looked.
“I swore to Boyd that you would not be like your mother. I swore…and now you have disappointed me.”
“I’m confused,” I managed. “I knew you would be upset with my news about Frazier and didn’t want to distress you. You will better understand when you know—”
“That you have been seen about with Matt Pritchard at all hours of the day and night. Child, others might consider you slow, but I know better. And poor Brother Clayton, having to break it off with you. You forced his hand. Now, it is yours to deal with. I can do no more. I have tried. God knows I have tried.”
I stiffened, questioning if I’d heard her correctly. I rose to one knee and shook my head. “You are mistaken.”
“I wish it was so.” Her hand was shaking; a small tear fell down her cheek. “Boyd warned me, but I wo
uldn’t listen. He says that I can’t have you work for me anymore.”
I stared at her incredulously. “You’re firing me?”
“Please, Cady Blue, don’t make this worse than it has to be.” Ginny Rose lowered her gaze, but I saw the tears she was shedding. “Don’t you understand? Your reputation is in ruins. Boyd says he won’t have a scandal associated with his name. This has already caused me great distress. I can’t take any more.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw movement. I hadn’t noticed that a car had pulled in and parked. Dodie got out of the driver’s side, Claire, the passenger door.
Dodie had returned. I hadn’t seen her in months. The last I’d heard she had gone from New York back down to Savannah to stay with friends.
She wore a lovely blue buttoned-down dress with open-toe heels. A large sapphire bug brooch on her collar. Her hair was teased around the bow of her hat. She looked quite lovely and quite pleased.
“Grandmother are you okay?” she asked. “Why don’t you go inside with Mother? I will finish with Cady Blue.”
I felt a weight against my chest, making it hard to take a breath. I realized I had been ambushed. I stood frozen to my spot until Ginny Rose disappeared from sight. She never looked back.
Dodie seemed to have been waiting, too, until the old woman left. From her dress waist pocket, she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. She took a puff. “You have been quite dense, haven’t you? But you do realize that you have only yourself to blame. Carrying on in a loose way with Matt. People were bound to notice. What did you think he would do? Marry you? You poor fool. He would never do that. You are no better than your mother, white trash, sleeping your way around town.”
Is that what people are saying? I fought against a wave of nausea. The world had gone stark raving mad. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”
“Pooh,” she said. “I’m sure you justified your actions to yourself. I told Grandpa that he should have never allowed you to help Grandma, especially when he heard you started spreading your legs again. No better than a dog in heat.”
