by Erin Havoc
Had and lost.
Yes, I’m single, and I’ll probably die single. And that’s all right with me. After I left Vivian, nothing and no one had the same appeal. No one ever would because she was my mate.
But being mates doesn’t mean the relationship will last. We weren’t mated yet. Hell, she didn’t even know. And I had grown full of myself and reckless. I lost her for good.
I was young, and for some years I thought I’d find someone else. Not my perfect match, but an agreeable girl. High enough compatibility. Half of me still thinks this — the half that’s my fox. He hates the idea of being alone. Of never having cubs or a family.
My friends mentioned an app. Mate finding, something along those lines. Even if Vivian’s there, it’s no use. I’ll be the first shifter who will be utterly rejected by my mate. We’ve already met, and we had a crazy connection, but I fucked up. I’ll be the guy with the one-hundred percent compatibility on the app looking for someone lower than her. Someone that’s not as perfect as she is, but who will at least have me.
This girl batting her lashes at me could be one. But today, I’m so not in the mood. It’s not her fault I saw Vivian’s face flashing on the back of my eyes, but her presence is too stark for me to ignore.
Patting the hand on my arm, I smile again. “Sorry. I’ll have to pass.”
Her face collapses for a moment, but it’s just a mere second. She holds it in once more and nods. “Thanks anyway.”
I whirl around and stroll back to our firetruck, meeting several sets of hiked up brows. Hunter shakes his head as he puts the hose back on the truck.
“Did you just send the girl off?” He asks with a sneer on his lips.
I look skyward, aware of what’s coming. “You know, I’m not obligated in any form to talk about my life to you nosy lot.”
Nolan laughs, punching my shoulder. I lose my balance for a moment, shooting him a glare. Fucking tiger can’t even balance his strength. “Chill out, man. It’s just that every shifter with half a brain would go for that,” he says, jutting his chin toward the girl. “She’s hot.”
“I have eyes, thank you.” And I roll my eyes to make my point. “Not interested anyway. You can try your hand since you’re so sure of yourself.”
He taps his chin, covered in soot. “I would dig that. But she asked you out, not me.”
I shrug. “Not interested.”
Hunter approaches, and in a moment all the guys surround me. Crossing my arms, I release a sigh as I wait for the next joke. It sucks being a fox in the middle of all these huge predators. They eat deer while I hunt mice. It ain’t my fault though.
“Say, Austin,” Hunter calls with a hard press of his hand to my shoulder. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re not one of those incel fuckers, are you?”
Arching a brow, I snort, not catching up with the reference. Is that supposed to hurt? “I don’t know what that means, boss.”
“They’re a bunch of guys that hang around the internet whining women never give them a chance,” Nolan offers. “But it’s just because they’re sexist fuckers.”
“Um, no, I’m not.” Shaking my head, I try to free myself of their hold, but it’s pointless.
“Then what’s wrong with you?” Hunter insists, and I know if I don’t give him an answer, he’ll keep on pestering me for the rest of the week. Fucking bears and their family instincts.
Grunting in frustration, I shove my arms up. “When I was up there and the debris hit me, I saw someone.”
“Oh, like your life flashing before your eyes?” Nolan cocks a brow, patting my shoulder irritatingly.
“Yeah, but it was just a face. So I’m kind of not in the mood right now.”
“Do you think it’s like a prophecy?” Keenan asks from where he stands, two feet from me. He leans in. “Like you had a glimpse of your future?”
I push him away and manage to free myself of their pack notions. “No, it was more a glimpse of the past.”
“Hooked on an ex?” Hunter follows me as I climb the truck.
I nod. “Yeah. That kind of thing.”
“You know,” Nolan follows suit, “you just need to find your mate. Your ex will disappear from your mind like she never even existed.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I doubt that.” And though they pester me all the ride back to the station, I ignore them just fine. The truck parks as I watch Hunter picking up a call, his gloves forgotten to a side.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m aware it’s today. We’re already here.” He hums in agreement a couple of times before hanging up.
“What’s today?” I ask as we prepare to leave.
“That Firefighter Calendar thing. The others are ready and the photographer is waiting. No one expects an emergency, right?”
I nod him on, internally grunting. It was today? Gah. What I wouldn’t do to help others. But the money for the action is all going to a reconstructive burn surgery fund and I’m not turning that down. All I have to do is show off my chest and flex. That’s not hard at all.
But when I enter the station and pass Hunter’s office, my certainty shatters like glass. I recognize the red head inside the office, and my jaw drops as her face comes in focus.
She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And by the way my fox reacts, the mate aspect is still on.
My heart hammers inside my chest as I lower my head and stride to the back. What I need is a cold shower. Or a glass of whiskey. Anything to help me focus.
Because Vivian is the photographer, and I still want her badly.
3
VIVIAN
The door to the waiting room creaks open and I almost jump out of my skin. I’ve been standing to one side of the room, gawking at the pictures on the wall. They don’t have any photographic value. They’re not well-structured or particularly beautiful, but they display some Fire Station’s firefighters, and holy mama, these men are good looking.
I hope there’s no guilt across my features as I whirl around to the newcomer, a smile plastered on my face. “Good morning!”
The man who walks in is... huge. Wow, how does he manage to cross the door? He’s super wide, and I’m positive he has to turn sideways to cross portals. Also super tall.
And handsome.
I’m already thankful for this job.
“Morning,” he greets with a nod. His eyes take a tour of my body, down my curves, then back up to my exposed neck. Bella told me about that. How shifters bite their mates on the neck to mark them. So this man is checking if I’m single. The smile across my face turns into a smirk. “You must be Miss Asher, the photographer?”
He reaches a hand out and I take it. Huge fingers encapsulate my smaller ones, and though I don’t feel anything particularly amazing, I’m still gawking at the man. “Just Vivian, please. You must be the captain then.”
“I am. Call me Hunter.” He lets my hand go, turning to the glass window next to us that looks into the station. “We had an emergency uptown. I’m sorry you had to wait.”
Shaking my head, I catch his eye again. “Not a problem at all. I imagined this could happen.”
His gaze softens as he looks at me, his nostrils flaring. “Let me show you around. I’ll introduce you to the guys, then you can pick your location.”
“Oh, that I already have.” I reach out to pick my camera bag, putting the strap over my shoulder. “I’ve noticed the pole is turned to a nice patch of natural light, next to one of the trucks. I could use that. You guys can pose next to it.”
Hunter reaches out and collects the camera bag from me without a word. “Whatever you think best,” he says with a wink.
And I melt into a puddle.
We walk to the main area, where a bunch of men already wait. They’re in their uniform pants and shirts, shooting heated glances in my direction. Talk about boosting my self-esteem. Some are shorter than others. Some are broader, while others are lean. But every one of them is handsome and muscular, sharp, masculine jawlines and lustful
glances on their faces.
And I am their sole focus. The curvy girl who used to be the last one to be asked out for parties. If at all. The girl whose cellulitis was made fun of in college. The woman who heard, more than once, that I could only be behind the cameras, never in front. That I wasn’t fit for that. Not pretty enough. Never good enough.
If only they could see me now.
“Everybody, this is Vivian. She’s going to be taking the pictures for the Calendar,” Hunter says with a wave in my direction. He introduces the men and I shake their hands, one by one. I do my best to remember the names, even if they’re so many. So many handsome men grinning at me like I’m the last woman alive.
Dang, there are so many options. It’s going to be so hard to choose.
The idea of a reverse harem flashes into my mind. I mean, it’s the twenty-first century. Men and women have the same rights, and I wouldn’t mind being shared by some of these guys right here. They’re equally good looking and equally hot in different ways. And all smile at me as I explain what I’m going to do and how.
Hunter and a guy called Nolan help me set the camera up. It’s something I’d be able to do by myself easily enough. Something I always do by myself. But I like to watch them flex and squat to adjust the tripod. Hunter has one hell of a fine ass to look at too.
God, allow me to never forget this day.
“There it is,” Hunter says as he gets to his feet. “Is the lighting good enough? Is there anything else you need?”
The way his eyes glint tells me yeah, I could get anything I want from him. From them, for that matter. I’m one lucky girl, standing amid this number of hot firefighters. Shifters who adore curvy girls like me.
“Is everyone here?” I reply as I look at each of them. Some have already started pulling their shirts off and I have to concentrate hard on how to form words. “I thought we should take a group one first, just to get it out of the way.”
Hunter squints as he combs the men in front of him. “Where’s Austin? He should be here by now.”
Austin. The name shoots through me like a lightning strike, and I grind my teeth together in time not to gasp. Keeping a smile in place I manage not to catch anyone’s attention. Not more than I already have, anyway.
I mean, it’s foolishness. Austin is a rather common name. Several men are called Austin. It doesn’t mean, it cannot mean that the Austin that’s been missing is the one guy I’ve ever loved. The one guy I’ve ever trusted with my heart, and who destroyed it without a second thought.
“Oh, he’s in the back,” Nolan says on my other side, and he starts off to the back of the station. “I’ll go get him.”
Mid-way to the back exit, Nolan pulls his shirt out, leaving it over a bench. The muscles of his back move in a sexy way as he walks off, but my eagerness to jump on one (or more) of these men has lessened.
I can’t look at anything else but the door while we wait. My fingers tremble and I reply to something Hunter has asked with just half of my attention. It can’t be him. This Austin can’t be the Austin I once had. Things will get way too hard to deal with if he is.
Yes, of course I’m over him. It’s been years, and the memory of him hardly comes back to me. But it doesn’t mean I want to see him. Talk to him, watch him flex as I take pictures...
Wait. It’s just dawned on me. My shoulders slump as I relax, and I release the breath I haven’t noticed I have been holding. It can’t be Austin. It’s a Shifter-Only Fire Station. Austin wasn’t a shifter.
Well, then that settles it. It’s not him.
Which is a relief because, dang, he would have ruined my fun. I wouldn’t be able to hit on his colleagues with my ex hanging around. Even if he probably doesn’t even remember me. My heart is still beating out of rhythm as I turn to Hunter and try to distract myself. Try to focus on the planes of his hard chest and how huge his bicep is. He smiles back at me as he replies to every question.
The door opens and I can’t help but snap my head in that direction, a prayer in my lips.
My heart jumps to my throat. Fuck. Holy fuck, it’s him. Eyes widening, I grip one of the legs of my tripod to keep me steady as I watch him walking closer to the other firefighters.
Austin is still the most handsome man I’ve ever seen, but he’s grown up. He’s not the teenager I knew. Puberty freaking blessed him. Fucking hell, how I hate this.
It isn’t fair. There’s a collection of hot men in front of me, all winking in my direction with promise of pleasure and joy. But in walks my ex, and he’s hotter than all others.
“Finally,” calls Hunter with a laugh. “This is Vivian. She’s taking the pictures for the Calendar.”
He brings his head up, and our gazes lock for a moment. I thought I’d never see his hazelnut eyes again, but they peer at me with a feeling I cannot recognize. Then a smirk stretches across his lips.
“Hey, Vivian. Long time, no see.”
My blood boils. “Not long enough, Austin,” I say through gritted teeth.
The boys hoot and laugh, elbowing Austin as he takes his place. He chuckles, good-natured as if we’re all just good friends joking about a shared past.
Which is so not the case.
“So,” I say a bit too loud, gripping two legs of the tripod, my gaze fastened to the camera. “Here’s the thing. The Calendar will be sold in several bookstores around town, and in this very station. Both you and I are working for free, and the print shop is exchanging the service for having their logos on it. Profits go to the fund for fire victims.” I turn the camera on as I notice they’ve all silenced to listen to me. “Let’s make this the sexiest, most provocative calendar there is, all right?”
Once more, the men hoot and celebrate. I try to smile, but my lips are chapped. Trying to swallow, I notice my mouth’s parched as well. Fucking Austin. He had to show up and ruin my flirty afternoon.
Before I tell them to, they’ve all stripped themselves of their shirts. Hunter assumes a position behind the group, right at the center, his big body not hidden in the least. He crosses his arms as he looks at me with a side-smile, and I press my lips together as I re-adjust the settings of my camera for that particular light.
I meet Austin’s eyes through the lenses and they make my stomach churn. In that exact same way they used to do when we were teenagers. When I thought I had found my one true love. When we used to be everything for one another.
Or he was for me, anyway.
“Everybody ready?” I say, touching my finger to the shutter button. The guys strike their poses, smiling into the camera, but there’s only one grin I can focus on.
And it tells me this is going to be one hell of a day. And not the way I expected.
4
AUSTIN
Vivian has changed.
And for the better. She’s improved. More beautiful than ever, her body curvier than when we met. She’s thick and mouth-watering, and her plump lips still make me want to kiss the hell out of her.
But she hates me. Oh-ho, she hates the very sight of me. No doubt about that too. I tried to avoid her gaze when I walked in, but I felt the waves of loathing crawling up my skin. When we locked eyes, her shocked, half-hurt gaze met mine.
She’s still pissed. I mean, I would have expected her to have moved on if what we had meant nothing. She would have laughed it off and told me she wasn’t mad at all because our relationship hadn’t meant the world to her.
But we used to be inseparable. Promises of forever and such. I-love-yous and broken oaths before I let her go and vanished from her life.
As I stand all the way to the back of the group, I pull my shirt off and throw it to a corner, crossing my arms as I stare into the camera. Not at her. At the camera. I’m sure meeting her gaze now wouldn’t help.
Because I’m worried I’ve pissed her off. I’m worried she hates my guts. But my fox? My fox doesn’t give a fuck.
Shifters are an interesting thing. We’re half-animal, half-human, and mostly the human brain
takes control. We work and we love and make plans. The fox is sort of an instinct on the back of your mind. A call back to nature. He tells me when we need to hunt, to run, to soak in the moonlight. And that’s that. That’s all the decision-making my fox usually does.
Now, he’s crawling underneath my skin, baring his teeth and puffing his tail like a motherfucker in heat. Yes, he remembers Vivian. He remembers Vivian vividly.
Her shapely hips and the weight of her breasts, and how amazing she tasted. My fox remembers how we wanted to mate her on the spot. Two virgins finding out how to please each other, and my fox only snarled at me, begging me to mark her already.
Vivian didn’t even know I was a shifter. When we were teenagers, society was different. We lived in secret, and our existence would have been threatened if I had told her too early.
She didn’t know... Up until I walked into the main hall. She knows we’re a shifters-only firefighter station. She has all the reasons to be pissed. She’s not only seeing a man who promised her the world and broke her heart but a man who lied about the most basic thing.
That I’m not human. Not entirely.
Staring into the camera lenses, I smile as she announces she’s taking the pictures. She snaps several of them, adjusting the opening and the angle as I shift my weight between my feet. When she’s done with this part of the job, she straightens her spine but doesn’t meet my eye.
“All right,” she says with a smile. And I know she’s pretending she’s fine. But the corner of her lip twitches ever so slightly. “Now, why don’t we start with you, Nolan?”
Nolan shoots her a smile back and I fucking hate it. I hate the look of it as I trudge away from them, leaving Nolan by himself as he chit-chats with my woman.
I mean, not mine. She hasn’t been mine for a long time and it’s my fault. But do they have to do this in front of me? She’s not mated yet, and there’s no ring on her finger. And from the way she’s shooting smirks at Nolan, she’s single.
Single, and looking for someone who’s not me.
