by JD Hawkins
“Sometimes you wanna go back…sometimes a one-night stand was so good that it sticks in your mind, your body still reacting to it. Sometimes it feels half-finished, like you only tasted the edge of what that person could give you. And you just don’t want to go out and find someone new, ’cause you know you’ll compare them, and you know they won’t stack up to what you had. So the question of the day is: Do you – should you ever go back?”
There’s a loud knock on the door and I immediately drop my phone as I spin towards it. There’s only one person who knocks that loud, and it’s the one person who I can’t be mad at for entering without permission.
“Nate!” Robinson booms as he strides across the office, his creased slacks flapping around his long legs. “We need to talk.”
“Uh…yeah,” I say, stumbling off my chair to find where I dropped my phone. I eventually grab it from under the chair leg and wave it at Robinson as explanation, then pull myself back up to my seat. “Sorry. Go ahead.”
Robinson lowers his head and glares at me with what, to him, probably feels like fatherly caution, but in reality looks more like he’s about to beat you to death with his pipe.
“You haven’t forgotten, have you?” he says menacingly. “The Carra—”
“The Carragher list!” I say, slapping my forehead. “Shit! Sorry. I…I know. I was supposed to get the list of actresses to her days ago.”
“You’ve not done it. Her father just left a message with me, and he’s anxious.”
Serena Carragher is the daughter of one of our biggest clients, and is about to direct her feature film debut. I was supposed to give her a list of our best female actresses to audition, and retain wonderful nepotistic relations all around. I didn’t. Mainly because I’ve spent the past week in a daze, and work doesn’t complete itself no matter how much you stare at a whiskey glass or out of a window.
“I…I’m sorry. I’ll do it now…right now…I promise,” I say, already shuffling papers as if every second counts – which at this point is almost true.
“Nate,” Robinson commands, the rigidity in his voice telling me he’s got more to say about it. “Is something wrong? I wouldn’t expect that sort of negligence from an intern – let alone my top performer.”
I look up at him and let my shoulders sink a little before looking aside out of the window and shaking my head slowly.
“It’s…it’s Tessa.”
“Mm-hmm,” Robinson nods, as if he knew it already.
“We’re…we broke up.”
Robinson’s face is steely, before suddenly breaking into a frustrated “Damnit!” If we weren’t talking about something so difficult for me I’d find it funny how he reacts as if he’s affected himself. “Can’t you fix things up? How bad is it?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t. I…it’ll just take some time, I suppose, to find out if there’s a chance for us to patch things up. For now I’m at a loss.” As I say the words, I know they’re true. And it surprises me how much I want to believe in them.
“Mm-hmm. Well, in the meantime I can give the Carragher list to—”
“No. I can handle that. I have half of it done already. It’ll be sent by lunchtime. I promise.”
“Okay,” Robinson nods, skeptical but trusting. “But I’d strongly advise you to take a few days off. Samuel has plenty of time to take on extra work, and he’s keen to prove himself. You need to focus on what’s important, right now. Tessa’s the kind of woman you find once in a lifetime. Believe me, I’d know.”
“I know,” I say, wondering how what was once a funny, goofy charade turned into something genuinely troubling. Surprised that I’m at a point now where Robinson’s advice is actually kind of welcome. “I’ll try to get it together.”
Will’s already at the bar when I get there, and as I step through the doors I suddenly remember it’s the same one Jessie met us in. Wearing those tight gym clothes, her skin shiny with sweat…even memories like that come with a stinging aftertaste where they once felt so sweet. I move toward Will, who somehow notices me despite the winks and smiles he’s shooting across the room to a brunette in a miniskirt.
“Nate!” he says, patting me on the back as I take the stool beside him. “I’ve already bought you a drink, and there is plenty more where that came from. For tonight, everything you partake of shall be bought by me.”
“You seem like you’re in a good mood,” I mumble as I down the glass and immediately gesture to the bartender for another.
“I am in a fantastic mood, Nate. And I owe all of it to you. In this past week I have not only begun shooting on a film which will relaunch my career, but I also received a rather lucrative advertising contract too. The narrative of the teen drama star reinvigorating his career as a serious actor has begun – and it’s all your fault.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“Seriously, Nate, I cannot express how much I love you right now. It’s bordering on the homoerotic.”
I raise an eyebrow in his direction. He laughs and slaps another hand on my back.
“Don’t worry. I heard that your life is changing as dramatically as mine. A little birdie tells me that you’ve gone and got yourself a girlfriend – or should I say, a girl has gone and got you.”
Will raises a glass and a smile. Reluctantly I grab my whiskey and clink it against his.
“You heard wrong.”
“Hm?” Will says, his attention already taken again by the brunette. “Your boss told me you’d brought that Jessie girl to the retreat, and seemed rather close. I didn’t think for a second you’d actually go and have a relationship with the girl, but she was certainly something special. And considering you persistently refused my requests to play wingman on my bombing runs the past few weeks, I thought it was a done deal.”
“It’s more complicated than that,” I say, draining the second whiskey and exhaling up at the ceiling as it starts to numb the pain inside.
“How so?” Will says, giving up on the brunette entirely now to focus on me.
“I don’t even know the answer to that myself. It just got real messy. It’s over now, anyway.”
“I see,” Will says, before asking the barman for some beer chasers. “You were friends, you said? Childhood friends?”
“Yeah,” I shrug. “She’s probably the only girl I’ve known that long. The only girl I’ve actually spent a lot of time with, the only one I actually care about.”
“Okay, so you care about her, you’re friends, and you’ve known her quite awhile,” Will says, as if ticking off a checklist. “And you liked the…how to put this…‘carnal’ aspects of the relationship, yes?”
I turn to look him in the eye, and nod in a way that lets him know all he needs to.
“Very good. Right. And did you have sex with any other woman at any point during this not-relationship? Did you even want to?”
I take a few seconds to consider it before answering.
“No. Not really. I haven’t even thought about fucking anyone else since we started.” Once it’s out of my mouth, my response seems to shock me more than it does Will, who just nods.
“Okay. So again – just to clarify – this is a girl with whom you have a strong emotional relationship, which you’ve had for many years now, and with whom you have a wonderful sexual relationship, and who satisfies you sufficiently that you haven’t even considered looking anywhere else. And this thing you have, which is not a relationship, is somehow now ‘over’ and you’ve just gone and given up? Forgive me if I’ve missed something there.”
“It’s not that simple,” I say, a little frustrated at how simple it actually sounds. “Her brother is my best friend. He’d kill both of us if he found out about us.”
“Ah! A disapproving brother,” Will says, nodding sarcastically. “How romantic! It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only with less ruffles. And hopefully less suicide.”
“Do you have to wisecrack your way through my fucking problems?”
Will laug
hs and shakes his head.
“If I’m wisecracking it’s because I don’t see the problem! If he’s a good brother and a good friend, how can he not understand? You two obviously care about each other – you wouldn’t give up the promiscuous life you lead for anything less than something wonderful, and she evidently cares about you enough to forgive you your past sins, which are many and great. Whether this ominous-sounding brother is upset or ecstatic at the idea of you two together, it shouldn’t really matter, should it?”
I let the question hang in the air, falling somewhere deep into my own thoughts, and the new ones planted there by Will. He rubs a hand on my shoulder as I stare into the bottom of my empty glass as if the answers are sitting down in there.
“Maybe you’re right,” I mumble eventually. “I just…it feels like a hell of a commitment. I like my freedom. I don’t know how much I’m willing to give it up.”
Will smiles and shakes his head before speaking.
“From my perspective, Nate, it looks like you’ve got your freedom, and you don’t know what to do with it anymore.”
I allow myself a little smile.
“I don’t know that she’d even take me back now. Even if she did, it’s a big change. I just don’t know if I’m ready.”
“See that brunette that’s been casting her enticing eyes at me? There’s a lovely blonde sitting right next to her that you’d have been all over a couple of months ago,” Will says, slowly and deliberately. “You gonna go over there and get her, or should I do it for you?”
I look over at the blonde and shrug, uninterested.
“That’s what I thought.” Will smirks. “I don’t think you need to figure anything out, Nate. That change you don’t think you’re ready for? It’s already happened.”
19
Jessie
Lorelei leaps out of the booth like she just heard a bomb go off the second I walk through the doors of the diner. She quickly steps toward me and I smile awkwardly as her enthusiasm draws a couple of strange looks.
“Lorelei…” I say as she takes my backpack from me and leads me by the arm to the table.
“Christ this bag is heavy, Jessie! You shouldn’t be carrying this!”
She dumps it on a chair and pulls another out for me. I roll my eyes a little and sit in it as she takes the seat opposite.
“I’m pregnant, Lorelei,” I say, leaning over so the few people still looking can’t hear, “not dying.”
“I know,” she says, with a tenderness in her voice she usually reserves for children, “but you’ve got to take better care of yourself from now on.”
I sigh and laugh a little at her – I can’t fault her ability to care.
“So what did the doctor say?” she says, with the urgency of a question she’s been anxious to ask.
“It’s all good. Blood test good, blood pressure good, examination good. Nothing to report.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“Yeah,” I say, opening the menu in front of me. “My only problems now are the ones the doctor can’t fix. Oh, by the way, I filled out some form there and they asked for an emergency number. I put yours down – that’s cool, right?”
“Sure. Of course,” Lorelei replies, before pursing her lips as if holding back what she wants to say next.
I notice. We’ve spent too much time together the past few years for me not to notice.
“You think I should have put Nate’s number there.”
Lorelei holds her palms up and shrugs her innocence. Before she can plead anything the waiter comes over and I order a big sandwich, a side salad, and seasoned fries with a side of ranch, wondering if I’m already ‘eating for two’ or just indulging my hedonistic side. Once the waiter’s gone, I make small talk with Lorelei, mentioning a new art film I’m trying to get work on, asking her about her latest gossip article, and trying to avoid talking about my condition. But despite my best efforts, I can still see the concern on Lorelei’s face.
“What now?” I say, exasperated.
“Have you spoken to him?” she asks carefully, as if bracing for my response.
I don’t need to ask who she’s talking about. “Since we argued last week? Nope. I haven’t contacted him, and he hasn’t contacted me. End of story. Good riddance.”
“Oh, Jessie.”
My tough guy act obviously isn’t working. “Lorelei, if you get any more motherly you’re going to lay an egg.”
“I’m just really worried about all this.”
“Well I’m not,” I insist, holding my head up to add to the defiance of my words. “My responsibility is to take care of myself now, and my…future.”
“But Nate’s the father! You have to at least tell him!”
“I will. When I’m ready. I just…I need to figure out the best way to do that. It’s not exactly a convenient time to drop that bombshell. ‘Hey Nate, I’m still pissed off that you don’t want to be fuckbuddies anymore, but I thought I’d mention that you got me pregnant. Have a good day, asshole’.”
“I’m sure it won’t go like that.”
“Won’t it?” I say, leaning back a little for the waiter to set my food in front of me. “Thanks,” I tell him. As soon as he turns his back, I grab a few fries, dip them in the ranch dressing, and stuff them into my mouth, flashing Lorelei a thumbs-up as I chew. “Listen. Nate is Nate, and I know he doesn’t want this – a baby isn’t going to change who he is.”
“Maybe it will,” Lorelei implores. “It’s changed you a little.”
“But I’m ready to change, I’m happy to change. I have my shit together. Nate is still the same guy he was when we were teenagers,” I say, pausing only to put another fry in my mouth. “I don’t want even the smallest chance of him feeling guilt-tripped into getting back together with me because of a baby. That would be the worst thing for everyone – especially the kid.”
Lorelei nods empathetically. “I get that.”
“And then there’s Kyle,” I continue. “I’ll tell him the truth, but I need to pick the right moment.”
“Maybe the right moment is sooner rather than later?”
I look at Lorelei and let my shoulders drop. “I don’t know,” I say, looking down at my food like ignoring the question will get rid of the problem.
Lorelei eyes me like I just told her I decided to drop out of high school to become a stripper. I take a big bite of my sandwich and try to calm myself by focusing on the taste of chili mayo.
“Maybe Nate will surprise you, Jessie. He seems like a nice guy, the kind of guy who’d step up if he was asked to.”
I quickly swallow and wipe my lips, eager to put that idea to bed.
“No way. Uh-uh. Trust me, Nate is not that guy. He nearly vomited when he saw me with a Babies ’R Us catalogue I brought home so I could look for a baby shower present for my coworker. And he’s made it very clear that when it comes to family, the only end he sees is full of misery, obligation, and resentment. That’s not someone I want to raise a child with.”
“That bad?”
I nod, and then shrug a little, softening. “I mean, I get it. He had a rough childhood. It didn’t leave him with the most positive view on family life. But even without that, Nate’s a player. He’s always been on the hunt for something – someone – new. Our little ‘thing’ was pretty much the longest he’s ever been with one girl, and that didn’t even last two months.”
Lorelei turns away, looking about as sad as I should be feeling.
“People can change,” she says, her voice hopeful. “Especially when the stakes are so high. You should at least give him a chance.”
I stare at Lorelei and try to hold back the welling of emotion inside of me. Whether she realizes it or not, the last thing I need right now is to delude myself into something stupid, into hoping for a future, or expecting anything more from Nate than great sex.
“Honestly, Lorelei, even if Nate did tell me he wanted to try, I’d be an idiot to believe him. There’s no way I see it work
ing out.”
“Jessie, don’t be so harsh—”
“I’m not. I’m being realistic. Nate got with me because he really wanted to fuck me – and I wanted it too – but it wasn’t because he appreciated me as a person, or our friendship, it was just that his desire was big enough to make him forget about consequences. Then, when I wanted to make it just a little more serious, he ran off like I had threatened his life. Add in the fact that he treats the idea of having children like a terminal disease, and forgive me if I assume he won’t turn into dad of the year overnight.”
Lorelei slumps back into her chair and grabs her milkshake for comfort, eyeing me like I’m a lost puppy. I weigh everything in my mind and finally let out a deep sigh.
“Okay. Fine.” I smile tightly, giving into Lorelei’s pleas even if I don’t fully agree with her logic. “I promise I’ll tell Nate about the baby next time I see him. Or at least – I’ll try. Alright?” Even if I hate the idea, it feels good to have made my decision.
“I’m glad,” she says, “and I’ll be here for you, regardless of how he reacts. I’ll make sure you don’t need anyone else.”
“I’ll drink to that,” I say, grabbing my cup and hitting it against hers, causing her to smile for the first time since I entered the diner.
“I suppose this means you’ll be trying for that house loan again?”
“Already did, and already denied. This bank didn’t even call me, just sent me a form e-mail this morning. I thought third time was the charm, but I guess not. Maybe fourth?”
“Oh, Jessie, I’m—”
“It’s cool. I’ll just have to work twice as hard, save up for a bigger down payment. One good thing that did come out of my little ‘charade’ at the retreat was that I made some good contacts. I’m going to get to work on them and hope something develops.”
“Fingers crossed. You deserve a bit of luck.”
“Maybe,” I say. “But I stopped believing in karma a long time ago.”
