by JD Hawkins
And I want to tell you about her…shit, all I wanna do is talk about her. I can’t stop thinking about her. But I can’t tell you. If I start, I wouldn’t finish...
I’ve sat here and described every kind of woman to you guys. Every kind of body type and eye color; every attitude and personality type, but her…she’s too full of surprises. Too brilliant and talented and fierce and complicated. Too amazing in every way. I can’t even describe it to myself, all I do is feel it. And how do you really describe a feeling?
This vlog has meant a lot to me over the time I’ve been doing it. Millions of views, thousands of messages. It’s been a good boost for my ego. But falling in love tends to do the opposite. In a weird way I think I needed you guys more than you needed me. It feels kind of ridiculous now to think about how many times I talked about hating commitment and marriage. Because now I see that same sense of consistency – the comfort of knowing somebody will listen to you, support you, care about you – that was what I got from this, from all of you.
But I don’t need it anymore. There may be millions of you, but there’s only one of her.
So that’s it. I’m ending this. I’m deleting all my videos, and in a few days, this account. It’s been a wild ride. I don’t regret the life I’ve lived, but I do regret thinking I had it all figured out. Because the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. Least of all me.
Thank you all, and take this advice: Never give up on love, even when it’s nowhere in sight. And when you find it, hold onto it – don’t let it go without a fight. I hope you guys have a better time figuring that out than I did.
As for the future…well, I suppose it’s time for this bad boy to grow up into a real man.
So be sexy, be safe, and take care of each other.
Goodbye.
I watch as the screen fades to black, then keep staring at the black screen, too scared to move in case the tremble in my throat turns into a full-blown sob. I feel Lorelei’s hand press on my shoulder.
“He seems really different,” she says, tinging the words with a little smile to make them easier to swallow.
“It doesn’t change anything,” I mutter.
“Jessie,” Lorelei says, spinning the chair around a little so I can face her, “come on. You don’t really think that.”
I try to look indignant, to keep up the brick wall of indifference that’s the only thing keeping me sane, but it’s hard to be cold when you’re so confused. I step out of the chair, needing to move, and pace up to the other side of the room, rubbing at my aching eyes and groaning loudly.
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I say, turning around to look at Lorelei again. “He might love me, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work out between us, and it doesn’t mean he’s cut out to be a dad. That last video doesn’t make any of this any better.”
Lorelei points at the blank screen as if it’s irrefutable evidence of something.
“Seriously? Did you listen to everything he just said? It’s kind of a big deal, Jessie. Maybe not to you, but trust me. Nate has more people watching each of his videos than most TV shows. There are, like, a dozen copycats, but Nate’s still the one everyone talks about.”
“You mean ‘Bad Boy,’ not Nate,” I say, petulantly.
Lorelei smiles.
“So you admit they’re different?”
I sigh-laugh and shake my head.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s just a video channel. Am I really supposed to be impressed that he quit? Is that supposed to mean something to me?”
“It meant something to him,” Lorelei says, her voice hard but her face soft. “I know you always thought of that vlog as stupid, but he did it for years. It was obviously important to him. You could tell in the video – giving it all up was hard for him to do. But he did it anyway, Jessie. Because he feels differently now, and it’s because of you.”
I moan and let my shoulders slump, then go over to the couch and drop back onto it, burying my head in my hands. Lorelei comes and settles herself beside me.
“Hard or not, the right thing would have been to stop posting videos the second we got together. Or at least tell me that he talks about his sex life to a million fucking strangers every night. How can I ever trust a guy who would hide something like that?”
“He’s not hiding anything anymore,” Lorelei says, rubbing my back tenderly, “And I have a feeling it’ll stay that way. I agree that Nate’s a little behind the curve, but he’s never really had a relationship before. He’s still figuring this stuff out. Give him another chance.”
“I can’t be his practice dummy.”
Lorelei laughs. “But maybe you can be his tutor.”
I lean back and let my head rest on the top of the couch, eyes up on the ceiling.
“Isn’t it supposed to be easier than this?” I say. “Meeting the right guy, falling in love, having a baby? Isn’t having a child supposed to be this beautiful thing that two people really want to do?”
“It looks to me like two people do really want to,” Lorelei says. I don’t know if irony can be expressed through facial features, but Lorelei makes a convincing case.
I smile a little sadly. “Are you really sticking up for him?”
Lorelei doesn’t say anything, and I sit up on the couch to look her in the eye. She purses her lips.
“Yes.”
“Lorelei, seriously? Did you forget what he did already?”
“No. But I think you’re being too hard on him. Don’t let your pain and your pride keep you from trying to work it out with the guy you’re obviously still in love with. That you’re having a baby with, whether you like it or not. He’s made mistakes, sure, but—”
“Mistakes? He changed his mind about being with me a dozen times, because he didn’t want to commit or be tied down. He made weird sex-videos online while we were together. And that would be enough even if I forgot about the lifetime of sleazy one-night stands and womanizing he’s done. On top of that, I’m pretty damn sure he doesn’t want to have this baby, and since that’s not up for negotiation, I don’t see how we can get back together and just pretend there’s not a child growing inside me. At some point, reality’s going to hit us both – and I’m not sure I believe he’ll stick around after that.”
Lorelei nods then stiffens her lips again.
“Right. But he’s grown up a lot since he started seeing you, Jess. Think about it. He stopped seeing other women. He was there for you when you needed him. And even after you guys split up, he went and told Kyle about your relationship, knowing full well he’d get his ass kicked – which he did. And then, even though you haven’t forgiven him, he went and shut down his video channel, and it just seems like…” Lorelei trails off into a sigh.
“Seems like what?” I urge her.
“Listen. I don’t know Nate that well,” she begins, slowing down the tempo of her voice, “but you’ve talked about him a lot. Even before all of this started. He’s been your friend since you were a kid, right?”
“Right.”
“And maybe I’m wrong, but I always got the impression he was a good one.” She lets the comment hang in the air for a second like a question, but I don’t bite. “You always spoke about him as someone kind, caring, loyal. Someone who you could depend on. I mean, didn’t this all start when he bailed you out of that jail cell and kept it a secret from Kyle?”
“Yeah,” I mumble, slow threads of regret starting to wind themselves into my brain.
“So maybe it’s not Nate the ‘Bad Boy’ womanizer that you should be thinking of. Maybe it’s Nate the lifetime friend. Maybe that’s the guy who wants to make good by you. And the way I see it, that Nate deserves a second chance.”
I give Lorelei a tortured smile, and then look away. Lorelei has a habit of giving you stuff to think about right when you feel you’ve just got it all figured out.
My phone rings, and we both get up.
“I need a drink,” she says, moving toward the kitchen. �
�You want anything? A water?”
“No,” I say, going over to the desk. “I’m good.”
I pick up the phone and see the name. Nate. I let my finger hover over the screen, unsure of what to do.
“It’s Nate, isn’t it?” Lorelei says, almost making me jump when I see she isn’t in the kitchen. I look at her and nod. “Talk to him. He deserves that at least, for what he did,” she says, nodding at the computer screen.
I let my shoulders drop, and when Lorelei sees that she’s twisted my arm, she disappears into the kitchen. I answer the phone and bring it to my ear. “Hey.”
“Jessie?”
I pause a moment, lips parted but unable to say anything.
“Hi, Nate.”
“Fuck.”
“What?”
I hear Nate laugh a little embarrassedly. “Nothing. It’s just…it’s been a while since I heard your voice.”
I smile involuntarily.
“Listen, Jessie,” he continues, sounding like a man anxiously trying to stay calm, “I don’t want to argue, or fight, or anything like that. I just want to clear the air. I mean, it’s all up to you. I understand everything.”
“Uh-huh,” I say, sounding aloof and distant, though it’s only because I can’t think of what to say.
“I just have to tell you one more thing. In person. Would you give me that?”
I let out a long breath.
“Okay. Where do you want to meet?”
25
Nate
I pace up and down the sidewalk in front of Jessie’s childhood home, blood thumping in my ears, adrenaline flowing, stopping and staring at any car that looks even remotely similar to Jessie’s like a boxer waiting for the bell. This is it. This is the last roll of the dice. Since I knew how I felt I kept telling myself how much I’d give for Jessie – and right now I’m about to give it all.
Her car appears on the horizon, a dot, but I’ve been looking so hard I can almost sense it’s hers. I roll my neck and tense my shoulders – show time. The car rolls up in front of the house and comes to a stop. I watch her exit, and it’s almost surreal to see how beautiful she is in person now, after so long just remembering it.
She slams the door shut and walks up to me.
“You look great,” I say, when she’s in front of me, her head tilted away from the sun.
“Thanks. You look…” she stops, hesitates. “Like it’s healing.”
“Oh, yeah,” I say, bringing my fingers up to the fading bruise on my eye. “Well, I can still see out of it. I guess Kyle went easy on me.”
Jessie nods, too tense to laugh. She looks around with a tight, forced smile on her face, as if trying to break the awkward atmosphere between us.
“Why are we meeting here? It’s not exactly neutral territory.”
As if remembering the reason myself, I quickly go to my back pocket and pull out the envelope, then hold it out to her.
“Here.”
She looks at it dubiously, then takes it slowly.
“What’s this?”
I try to swallow and realize how dry my throat it.
“The house.”
Jessie’s frown deepens.
“What do you mean?”
I tap the envelope in her hand.
“I bought the house. For you. It’s yours now.”
“What?” Jessie says, leaning forward and making it sound like a gasp as she does so.
“I mean it needs work, but I figured you’d want to decide on how to rebuild it. But I’ve got contractors ready, and a deposit, so it’s up to you. Whenever you have the time to start.”
“Nate. No,” she says, in her most commanding voice. She slams the envelope up against my chest and holds it there. “I can’t take this.”
Slowly, I take the hand she’s pushing up against my chest and push it back to her, holding the envelope there.
“I can’t let you not take it.”
We stand there, eyes fixed on each other, my hand on hers, the envelope in between. Neither of us sure what to say, or what to do.
“This is too much,” Jessie says, taking the envelope and shaking her head at it.
“It’s no more than you wanted. No more than I ought to give you.”
“I never wanted you to feel like you owed me.”
“You didn’t. I’m not trying to make up for anything anymore. I’m not trying to persuade you of anything, or make up for the past. I’m doing this simply because I want you to be happy…both of you. With or without me.”
Her lip quivers and she sniffs suddenly at the last words.
“How can you afford this?”
I shrug as if it’s irrelevant.
“I have a steady job. I made a little money from those videos.” I stop myself suddenly, regretting bringing them up. But Jessie just smiles and shakes her head.
“‘A little money’?” she repeats, looking over at the rundown bungalow. “I know how overpriced this hunk of junk is, and I know how hard it is to get approved for a loan. You didn’t win the lottery, so…” She turns her head back to me and looks me up and down. “How’d you turn around and just buy it outright? Seriously, Nate, how?”
I turn to the house and take a step toward it, still looking at Jessie. She takes the hint and walks beside me as we cross the yard, her eyes still scrutinizing me for an answer.
“I was saving up to buy a house. I had the cash.”
“Nate!”
“But do you know why?” I say quickly, over her protestation. “I wanted a bigger place to take girls back to. Something impressive. Something that would boost my ego. Somewhere big enough to throw parties. And then I realized…I’m turning into my father.”
“No…you’ll never do that.”
I look at Jessie, shaking my head as we go through the gate and walk along the side of the house toward the back.
“Won’t I? A big house. Vacuous friendships. A ruined relationship. And a kid that I’ll never be a true father to.”
“Nate. Stop.”
I oblige, and stop walking to turn to her. We’re in the back yard now, in front of the big sprawling oak tree, the one with the treehouse. I look up at it, then back at her, smiling at the acknowledgment, but her face is pained and sad. I reach out and brush the tear suspended on her cheek, but she only seems to shake more at my touch. She blinks rapidly, and I take her in my arms, clutching her tightly, as if unable to do it softly, as if my body can’t afford to let her go again, even though my mind knows it’s already over.
“I love you Jessie,” I whisper into her ear. “I know it’s over. I know I’ve hurt you. I know pushing me away is probably the right thing. But I still love you. And I want you to know that I’ll always be there when you need me, either of you, no matter what happens.”
Jessie pulls herself back, just enough to look up at me. I look down at those eyes, at the face that’s become the background to my every thought, my every dream. A face that’s come to symbolize everything good and pure and right in my life. A face I’d given up on seeing this close ever again. A face I don’t deserve.
She parts her lips, and I hold on to the moment, every fiber of my being hoping that time will stop, here and now, so that I can live eternally in this final moment of pure happiness. Before she says whatever she’s going to say. Before she can tell me once again how I’ve disappointed and hurt her. Before she can explain to me so sweetly and yet so painfully why we can never be together. Before I have to walk away with the feeling that I did the right thing, but still lost somehow.
But she doesn’t. She doesn’t say anything at all. She just brings her lips to mine, and kisses me.
It’s a kiss that says more than words ever could. A kiss that seems to connect our souls as much as our bodies. At the soft, yearning push of her lips I feel all the baggage and regret crumble away from me like a cracked shell. It’s not just a kiss, it’s a gesture of love, a hint of the future. Years from now, wherever I am, and whatever I do until then, I know this�
��ll be the moment I remember as my best, as my most meaningful.
Our lips break apart, and I open my eyes to a world that seems like it’s in soft-focus. Small and intimate. A world that begins and ends at the lines of Jessie’s face. She smiles, and I feel like I could move mountains.
“Nate, I love you too. I want us to be together. Or, at least try.”
It takes me a moment to process her words, but what stands out most to me is the word ‘try.’ And I know I can do that – I’ve never wanted anything more. “We can make it work. I promise I won’t ever let you down again.”
Jessie laughs gently. “Don’t make that promise, Nate. Everybody makes mistakes.”
We turn and start walking back to the sidewalk, hand in hand.
“Well then, I promise I’ll try not to.”
Jessie looks at me, a lock of hair fallen against her face, the sunlight casting an ethereal tint in her eyes.
“That’s more like it.”
I glance over at her, unable to stop smiling.
“You know, I ended the whole video thing. It’s done.”
“I saw.”
“The ‘Bad Boy’ is officially dead.”
She swings herself in front of me and presses her body against me, a sly grin on her face and a mischievous look in her eye.
“Don’t say that,” she murmurs, fingering the gaps between the buttons on my shirt. “I wouldn’t mind spending some time with him myself.”
Grinning, I cup her chin and tilt her head back to kiss her again, and all of a sudden I feel like everything is going to be alright.
Epilogue
“Holy shit!”
“Nate…” Jessie hisses at me, before glancing apologetically at the woman in scrubs who’s guiding the ultrasound wand over her stomach.
“Sorry,” I say quickly, my eyes fixed on the screen as the fuzzy image starts to resolve. “I just…it’s amazing.”
