That’s just not the case. She isn’t only enamored with him—that much is clear as dinner goes on and they practically finish each other’s thoughts. They already have that special rhythm, like they’ve rehearsed our conversation in advance and they can prompt each other to keep things flowing. It’s adorable.
And sad. It’s sad for me; I can’t help it. I’m only human. I would never try to hold her back, especially now that I see how happy she is, how completely natural they seem together. When I can literally spot the goose bumps that pop up on her arm when he brushes the back of her hand with his fingers.
But I’m sad for myself. We’ve been a physical part of each other’s lives since college. She’s my other half. FaceTime is great and everything, and naturally, we could visit, but it’d never be the same.
Nothing would be the same.
I wish Matt were here. He would understand. He might even nudge me under the table or pat my leg to show me he knew what I was going through. Because he would. He always does. I try to push Matt back out of my head and continue the lively conversation with Hayley and Nicholas.
After dinner and a long kiss good-bye with Hayley, Nicholas heads off to meet a college friend, who’s getting married, for drinks. Hayley said she’d catch up with him in a bit. I know she’s dying to hear my first impression of him.
“So? What do you think?”
I purse my lips, eyes narrowed. “He’s nice.”
“Just nice?” Her voice is flat. Flat like the palm of her hand, which I just know she’s dying to sweep across my cheek. Like I need sense slapped into me.
“Yeah, he’s nice.” I polish off my drink and manage to swallow without choking on my laughter.
“You’re so mean!” She just about pushes me off my barstool. Once we were finished eating, we decided to move over to the bar to have one more drink before she heads out with Nicholas.
“Okay, fine. He’s outstanding. He’s gorgeous, funny, smart. Sweet,” I add when I remember how he read my books.
“He’s the best. I knew you would see that when you met him.” My best friend chews her lip, still worried. “You’re not just saying that, are you? Because you know it’ll make me happy?”
“Look me in the eyes and tell me you think I would lie about liking somebody if I honestly didn’t for some reason. Like if my gut told me there was something off. I care too much about you to hold back. You know that.”
“You wouldn’t just say that to spare my feelings?”
I shoot her a look. “Babe, I can see how this is going to go. This is a real-deal sort of relationship.” I reach out to take her face in my hands. “I am very, very happy for you. I want this for you.”
“Even if it means me leaving?”
This isn’t so easy. I have to fight hard against the pressure in my chest, behind my eyes. “Yes. Even if it means you leaving.”
Her eyes get watery. I can feel the same thing happening to me. “But I don’t want to leave you. And I couldn’t ask you to come.”
“I can visit all the time. You know I can work from anywhere in the whole world, right? You’ll get sick of me after a while, when you’re busy trying to set up a life with Nicholas.”
“I could never get sick of you.” Tears spill onto her cheeks. “I love you too much.”
“I love you too.”
And we’re hugging, and we’re crying, and we’re in the middle of a restaurant bar with people all around us, probably wondering who broke up with who and whether we could both use another drink to soothe our pain.
No amount of drinking will soothe my pain; I know that much. I’ve tried it in the past, and it just hasn’t worked out so well.
That doesn’t mean I can’t try again.
Only when I get home, I find I don’t have much alcohol to choose from.
And when I go across the hall, barefoot and in sweats, to ask whether Matt has some wine, there’s no answer when I knock. He’s out with his girl, whoever she is.
Looks like I’m alone for real.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I walk into Luke’s Saturday morning practice for a chance to see him and sit down next to Darcy.
“It’ll take tons of rehab before he’s able to get back on the ice.” Darcy’s hands shake as she brushes tears away. “He was so close to having everything he wanted. He worked so hard.”
“I’m crushed for him. To think, everything changed like that.” I snap my fingers with a sigh. “I guess that’s true for all of us. Everything can change in no time, over the stupidest reasons.”
Like my parents. They’ve been on my heart ever since I had dinner with Luke’s family a couple of weeks ago. Not that they’re ever very far away from my thoughts, but they’ve been closer to the forefront lately.
If they hadn’t been out walking at that exact time.
If they had taken just another fifteen seconds before leaving the apartment.
If they had decided to stay home instead.
And let’s not even get started on the drunk driver and the decisions he could’ve made that would’ve spared lives that night. If he hadn’t blown through that intersection and run my parents down.
I went from being a normal teenager with two parents, who were kind of strict about grades and curfew, to an orphan in no time.
She musters a smile. “At least they won. And Luke looked great out there. He saved the day.”
“I wanted to congratulate him for that, but he’s been sort of MIA since the game. He did let me know when Mark’s surgery was finished, but he went home after that. I haven’t spoken to him much today.”
He’s out on the ice right now, practicing, in his own world, away from the rest of the team.
I wonder what he’s thinking about. I wish he would tell me.
“I’m sure it shook him up. I know the whole team’s feeling it. I mean, that could’ve been them. Any of them.”
“That’s true. I imagine they must have a lot of mixed emotions getting back on the ice.”
“Part of being one of us girls is knowing how to manage situations like this—I don’t know if you wanna put it in your book or what, but it’s something to keep in mind if you’re in this for the long haul.”
Oof. That hits me in a funny sort of way. I don’t know how to feel about the thought of being in this for the long haul. I certainly didn’t go into this with the idea of extending it any further than a few weeks of dating.
Shoot. Would it make me look like a horrible person if I walked away? Like, Hey, thanks for the good times. I have everything I need?
I have to pull myself out of my questions and turn my attention back to Darcy. “What do you mean?”
She shrugs, looking out to where the guys are running drills. “Giving them the space they need to process things while being there if they need help. Walking that fine line between support and smothering.”
“Gotcha. How do you manage it?”
“I say, I’m here for you if you need to talk about it. Sometimes, we end up talking. Sometimes, not. But once I put it out there, I don’t push. It only annoys him if I push too hard.”
“It sounds like you have a solid plan in place.”
Her lips twitch. “Yeah, well, trial and error.”
I want to ask if she’d be willing to share more, but the thought of being called a user—or worse—holds me back. I decide to turn my focus back on the practice. The assistant coach has them running drills now, and I keep my eyes on Luke, who has no trouble keeping up.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the head coach jogging down the stairs from his office. When he joins the team on the ice, he gets everyone’s attention, even the few of us in the stands. We all quiet down, but we can’t hear what he’s saying.
When a cheer rings out and everybody starts playfully shoving and clapping Luke on the back, I know.
“He got the call! He got the call!” Darcy throws her arms around me and screams in my ear until it rings, but that’s okay. I’m screaming, too
, along with everybody else in the stands.
Is it true?
Luke finds me and skates over at top speed. He’s beaming, overjoyed, and now, I’m sure.
“Come on. Another round!” One of the other guys from the team—is it Donny or Joey—throws his arms into the air, and everybody cheers.
For once, Luke is letting himself go. He’s not so disciplined when he receives the happiest news of his life, I guess, and who could tell him to behave otherwise?
I couldn’t be happier for him.
What gives me pause though and keeps me from joining in the festivities is the way everybody’s roping me into this. Congratulating me like I had anything to do with the good news. I’ve known the man, what, a few weeks, and they’re practically throwing me a party?
I don’t deserve that. Even if I’d known him my entire life, I wouldn’t deserve it.
They don’t seem to agree.
“Come on! Another drink!” Darcy presses a glass into my hand. She’s tipsy, maybe even slightly beyond, and it’s barely noon.
“No, thanks. One of us should stay clearheaded.” When she pouts, I have no choice but to give in. “Fine. I’ll nurse it.”
“That’s more like it.” She finishes her beer before picking up another from the bar. “You know, I envy you. I already did, but now, I do even more.”
“Hey now. Why would you envy me? I’m just a normal person. You should know that by now.”
“Yeah, but look what you have. You’ve got a man who’s about to move up in the league. Do you know what I’d do if Bobby got a new contract?” She holds up her left hand and points to the ring finger. “I’d lock him down. Then, I’d quit my job. Don’t get me wrong!” I’m laughing, but she shakes me to pull my attention back to her. “I love teaching. I love the kids. But if I could, if Bobby made enough money, I’d be out of there so quick.”
“I know it must be a stressful job, being a teacher.”
“It’s stressful, being a hockey wife too.”
Wow, she’s making a pretty big jump here, taking me from a casual fling to a hockey wife, but I decide to play along. I want to hear what she has to say. “How’s it stressful?”
“He’ll always be on the road, for one thing. So, unless you’re really secure with him and have faith in him, that could lead to trouble. Not that I think he would ever cheat!” She grabs my arm, glaring at me in what I know she thinks is a reassuring manner but is most definitely not. It’s almost creepy actually.
“I’m sure he wouldn’t.”
“Then, there’s the social commitments the hockey wives and girlfriends have. There’s all kinds of charity events. They’re really active in the community.”
“That’s nice. I’m glad they do that.”
“But it takes up a lot of time, I heard, and you’re already such a busy person.” Her eyes widen. “Unless you stop writing! You’d be able to afford to do that by then.” She says this with all the wonder of a kid discovering presents on Christmas morning.
“Okay, okay, I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. He doesn’t even have a contract yet.” Not that I’m trying to rain on everybody’s parade, but I’m surprised Darcy isn’t wondering what our children will think of Daddy being on the road all the time.
“Hey, it’s okay if you’re not sure you can handle it. There’s so much to consider.”
I can tell she’s trying to keep my face in focus, but she’s having a hard time with it.
I have to excuse myself. Anything to get away from these expectations. Everybody assumes I’m in it for the long haul, especially now that things are looking better than ever for Luke.
Now, that would make me a user. It would make me a terrible person if I latched on to him now when I had no intention of doing so. I like him a lot, of course, but there’s nothing about us that gives me long-term vibes.
Especially now that I’ve seen Hayley and Nicholas together. Sure, they’re still in that relationship bubble, where everything’s wonderful and nothing in the world matters more than the two of them. But they have a spark. They have that connection. They’re completely fascinated with each other, and they have a ton of common ground to pull from.
They’re willing to sacrifice for each other. Nicholas hinted last night that he likes New York. A lot. Enough to consider moving here. And I know she’s already considering moving for his sake.
Would I do that for Luke? Honestly?
The thought hasn’t crossed my mind.
No, I wouldn’t want to move someplace else for him. I can’t imagine it. We just aren’t … there. And we never will be.
Here I am, as usual, about to do the opposite of what any sane person in my situation would do. Most girls would hook their man right here and now. He has nothing but good things ahead of him, right?
Instead, I’m going to break it off with him.
He’s in the center of a huge group of people, some of who I’ve never seen before. They aren’t even part of the team. Maybe they’re his outside friends, or maybe they’re complete strangers—I have no idea. All I know is, Luke is the star. And he deserves to be.
But no, there’s no place for me at his side. I don’t belong in this world. I could never make hockey or any single sport my life.
It’ll be better to end things soon.
I only hope he doesn’t resent me too much for it.
When he catches my eye and waves me over, I join him. But it’s with a heavy heart.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“I can’t wait to get you upstairs and tear your clothes off.” Luke’s hand is on my butt as we climb the stairs.
Oh boy. He’s feeling on top of the world. As he should.
But this isn’t going to end well.
“I think it would be better if you rested and drank a lot of water. Like, a gallon at least.” I have to keep things light while holding myself at arm’s length. Because it would be wrong to have one last go-round when I know I’m going to break up with him.
Right? It would totally be wrong to indulge myself in him just one … last … time …
Down, girl. Stay focused.
Besides, the man is in no condition. He’s stumbling up the stairs, drunk as a skunk. While Luke is in peak physical condition, I’m not sure he could perform to the best of his abilities in this situation.
He flops down on the sofa once we’re in the apartment and kicks off his shoes. “I can’t believe it. I mean, you work your whole life for something, and then bam, it’s right there in front of you.” He holds out a hand, palm up, like he’s balancing his hockey career there.
“I suppose it’s a bit overwhelming.” I place a bottle of water in his hand. “Here. Do yourself a favor.”
But he’s too busy marveling over his good fortune to care about how rotten he’ll feel later. “All this time. All this time! And finally, it’s gonna happen. I mean, it has to happen. I’m so close.”
“You just got called up. It’s happening. You deserve this.” I take a seat at the other end of the sofa and pull my legs up under me. “Have you called your parents?”
“Of course. Mom wants to throw a big party. Dad has probably already told the whole neighborhood.”
“I’m sure everybody is proud of you. The whole team will come for the party, and they’ll carry you on their shoulders down the street and everything.”
I expect him to grin over this, maybe elaborate on the idea. Instead, he frowns. “That isn’t funny.”
“I wasn’t trying to be. I mean, I was only kidding around.”
The frown deepens into a scowl. “It sounded like you were making fun of me.”
“That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”
Boy, he can turn on a dime—and not only on the ice. It’s a good thing he doesn’t do much drinking if this is how he acts when he’s drunk.
“There’s nothing wrong with my neighborhood being proud.”
“Luke, I didn’t say there was. Wh
at’s the matter? You went from being so happy to sounding angry.”
He looks away, toward the window. His jaw twitches. “I don’t know. Sorry. I’m mixed up. It wasn’t until you said that … I mean, what about …”
I wait, expecting him to continue. When he doesn’t, I clear my throat. “What about what? Why are you upset?”
More jaw twitching. His nostrils flare. His brows draw together over that twice-broken nose of his. “I was thinking about Mark. You said the whole team, and his face popped up in my head.”
Oh. I sigh, reaching for his hand. “What happened to him … you couldn’t have helped him. You couldn’t have stopped it. I don’t know why these things happen, but they do. You can’t hold yourself responsible, and you can’t let this overshadow your happiness.”
“Would you be able to be happy and excited when your friend was in the hospital? It’s clear he’s never gonna play like he used to.”
“I am so sorry to hear that. I know how much he wanted this too.”
“What if it had been me?” His eyes meet mine, and the worry in them touches me deeply. He’s like a child in a man’s body. So scared, so guilty. So aware of how close he came to having his dreams wiped away.
“It wasn’t you though. It wasn’t meant to be that way.”
He scoffs, “Just like it wasn’t me that night. When Liam … wanted to get home early after practice to watch a game on TV. I wanted to stick around for a while. He got a ride home with another kid whose brother was picking him up. They ended up injured but not badly. And Liam’s never walked again.”
“Luke, it wasn’t your fault.”
“I could’ve convinced him to stay with me. And Mark. I knew he was playing too hard on Saturday. Trying to be a hero, wanting to impress the reps. He wasn’t paying attention. I should’ve warned him to pay better attention.”
“You didn’t have the chance to do it. Would he have even listened? He was desperate to get noticed.”
Kitty Valentine Dates an Hockey Player Page 13
