by Ryan Rimmel
Something in the room screamed, as the hidden door it had constructed blew inward. Its den filled with flames. A massive Spider emerged.
● Massive Trap Door Spider
● Health: 280/280
● Stamina: 300/300
● Mana: 20/20
● Biting Attack: Trap Door Spider’s bites do a combination of Poison and Piercing damage
● Ambush Attacks: Attacks by a Trap Door Spider made from Stealth do extra damage.
“Damn it,” yelled Shart, as I executed a Thrust and drove my Flaming Sword deep into the creature's guts. It shrieked as the ichor in its torso started to boil. It swung one of its heavy legs at me threateningly. I activated my Fancy Footwork skill and sidestepped out of the way. The blow still came too close for comfort, as I Dodged.
“Your spell just doesn’t work on spiders,” I said, slashing at the creature’s underside twice more before leaping backward. The spider’s eyes hardened, and it charged after me. “It's not like they are hard to find. Any empty room probably has one.”
Shart harrumphed just as a pair of massive fangs bit down on his head. Of course, he was intangible, so the spider’s actions didn’t do anything more than make Shart’s voice sound hollow. “It's just that being so limited in this world is annoying.”
“Ha,” I yelled, hacking off a second leg, causing the spider to wobble. I followed that up with Flame Stream, lighting up the creature’s backside. “Think of how I feel. You still have way more useful spells than I do.”
I focused, and cast Break Wind on the spider. Nothing happened, as it lacked the appropriate bodily systems to actually break wind. “See,” I said.
The spider was even more annoyed and started swinging its one remaining leg. I dodged and wove backward. I didn’t quite make it, and the creature’s sudden burst of speed was enough for the heavy razor, wire-like limb to smash into me, sending me sprawling backward. I rolled to my feet and snarled. The spider was leaking badly through its semi-cauterized stumps. By now, its reach and speed should have been significantly reduced.
“The most useful thing I’ve done for you lately was give you a vial of my blood. You used it to make that poison that I’m not supposed to know about,” said Shart, eyeing me.
“Would the poison work on you?” I retorted, hacking off another leg on the creature’s left side. The huge spider was down to only one leg, causing it to lose all sense of balance.
“Of course not,” growled the demon. “Elder Demon’s blood poison will not work on me, an Elder Demon.”
“Then I don’t see the problem,” I said, preparing to make the final strike on the creature. Out of nowhere, two purple beams tore into it, obliterating its head.
“I’m up to forty-six,” said Badgelor, “And I think I see the way out.”
“Feck,” I growled, “That doesn’t count. I did all the work!”
Badgelor chuckled at that, and we both continued down the tunnel. His tunnel and mine had merged up in the last chamber, which itself had only one exit.
“That’s strange,” I said. “Every other room here has had monsters in it.”
“Isn’t it obvious? The boss is in the next room,” stated Badgelor.
“Where are the health kits then?” I grumbled.
“What?” asked Shart.
“You know, health kits and ammo. They are usually in the room right before the boss,” I said, looking around.
Shart laughed, “Hah, is this more of your stupid Earth logic? Why would a boss monster leave health items right outside his chamber?”
“Found ‘em!” yelled Badgelor, pushing aside a rock. Underneath it was a somewhat recently crushed goblin. The pouch he was carrying contained three greater healing potions, each with an odd mark carved onto them. Shart’s shoulders slumped.
“Recognize this maker’s mark?” I asked, studying it. Three serpents wrapped around each other, forming a triangle. A serpent’s head made up each of the triangle’s points. I vaguely recalled seeing this somewhere, but I couldn’t place it.
“Nope,” replied the demon.
“Geeze, Jim,” said Badgelor, “You need to figure out how to get out of the way of all these strikes.”
I glanced down at my scarred and pockmarked armor. Just under my reaction speed. The suit was still at slightly more than half Durability, but it was starting to look pretty ragged. I was sturdy enough to take a great number of hits, but this hang-up was causing me to get hit far too often for my liking.
“I’ll be okay,” I said finally.
“Not if we end up fighting Charles,” grumbled Badgelor, wandering toward the next chamber. He stopped near the exit and looked back at me.
“When I upgraded my Dodge skill to Fancy Footwork, I expected it to work better than this,” I said to Shart. “I need to do better.”
“Well, Dum Dum, let me use the all-knowing mind of Shart to resolve this for you,” said the demon. “Have you tried moving out of the way faster?”
I gave the demon a glance of disapproval. “It has to be more than that.”
“I don’t know then. Maybe stop trying to enter menu time every time you Dodge something,” said Shart.
“What?” I asked, pausing.
“Every time you Dodge an attack, you start to enter menu time. When you do that, you don’t cycle up to full speed in that instant. It's probably slowing your reaction time somewhat,” replied the demon.
“I didn’t know I was doing that. Do other people have time slow down right before they Dodge?” I asked.
“No, of course not. Well, except for magical duels, but those have their own rules. Most people just use their skills the way they are supposed to,” replied Shart. “Before you even ask, no, I don’t know how you are slipping into menu time when you Dodge.”
That made sense. I’d figured out that the window to Dodge was getting shorter, not because I was getting worse at Dodging, but because everyone else was attacking much faster than before. The time it was taking me to enter into menu time was making avoiding those strikes much harder. Up until now, I’d been encountering targets whose skill level was about the equivalent to Journeyman. That meant that even with entering menu time, I still had enough time to react. It also meant that, ultimately, I was fighting with several hundred milliseconds of lag. That wasn’t going to cut it much longer, not with each new monster attacking faster than the one before.
Plus, I had absolutely no idea how I was doing it.
“Quit staring at your navel,” yelled Badgelor. “I want to eat some boss insect!”
I walked over slowly, thinking about the problems. How was I dropping into menu time, and how could I stop it? Nothing came to me in the short walk. Soon, I was standing next to Badgelor.
We were looking into another chamber, this one with a significant dip going toward the center. The ground looked more earthy than hard rock, and there were numerous boulders scattered throughout.
“Scorpion?” I asked.
“Not quite sure,” said Badgelor. “Could be, but the scent is off.”
“Thoughts?” I asked Shart, adjusting the grip on my sword again. It turned out that spider guts were really good at breaking up oil.
“You are an idiot,” replied the demon.
“I think there is a monster in there,” said Badgelor sagely.
“Let's go then,” I grinned and stepped into the room.
Chapter 36: Badgelor’s Two Best Friends
The chamber was a broad basin with a hefty-sized piece of rock in the middle. The whole room might have been the size of a baseball diamond, if one was being generous. The ceiling was the same craggy rock that filled the rest of the area. Six torches, burning a bright, blue light, were positioned equally around the room.
“See, this looks like a boss room,” I said, as we got our first clear look at the chamber. Badgelor stepped in on my left, in his medium size. He was large enough for something to take him seriously, and it still left him one size in reserve, in case he ne
eded it.
“If it's a trap door spider, I’m not seeing it,” said Shart, as his hands waved around.
“You haven't seen the last three,” grumbled Badgelor.
“Four,” I replied, causing Shart to stomp his little foot on my shoulder. Badgelor chuckled.
“Found him,” said the demon.
“Wow, I’m impressed! Your spell worked,” I said.
“No,” replied the demon, looking straight up. “I’d jump forward right about now.”
I leapt forward and to my right, just as a massive stinger blasted to my left side. A thunderous sound, like a whip snapping, quickly followed. Badgelor reacted likewise, spinning around and spotting the massive, spider-like creature.
“It's fecking half scorpion!” exclaimed the badger, as he charged forward. He was rewarded with a stinger to the side for his trouble. Badgelor stumbled backward, as the stinger swung toward him twice more. The hybrid creature moved so quickly that my eyes couldn’t even track it. Badgelor took both shots but managed to catch them in the rolls of his fur. Thankfully, that was able to minimize his Damage.
An instant later, twin purple beams erupted from Badgelor’s eyes. One beam glanced off the tail of the creature, while the other beam missed entirely. I took the opportunity to use Lore.
● Scorpider, Floor Boss
● Hp 1600/1600
● Stamina: 800/800
● Mana: 200/200
● Perks: Improved Pincer Attack, Rapid Sting, Improved Rapid Sting, Potent Poison
● Scorpider’s are a hybrid creature capturing the best qualities of both Scorpions and Spiders. They are especially dangerous in their Lairs, which one should never stumble into.
“Well, that is unfortunate,” I said, sheathing my sword. I began to cast BioLightning. The motions caught the attention of the Scorpider’s spider eyes, and a ball of thick webbing fired out of his mouth. I dodged it, but the action caused me to lose my spell.
“I thought they shot webbing out of their ass?” I muttered, rolling back to my feet to prepare the spell again.
“You thought Scorpider’s shot webbing from their ass?” chuckled Shart from his position on the floor.
“Wait, how did you get off my shoulder?’ I continued, as Badgelor and the Scorpider wrestled.
“Funny thing. Apparently, that thing’s webbing can catch immaterial objects. Don’t worry, though. I’m pretty sure it can’t actually eat me,” said Shart.
“If it did, that poison you call blood would kill it,” I commented, as the spell completed. I yelled the word of power, “Guyver.” The instant I shouted it, the Scorpider leapt off the ground and onto the craggy ceiling. I held up my hand and blasted it anyway, but at least part of the bolt was deflected by the rocky ceiling. The Scorpider shot another blob of webbing at me.
Badgelor was busy blasting it with his Destructive Gaze, and it only took a few moments before the creature leapt down and went after the badger again. Leaving Shart to his fate, I attempted to close with my sword. It should have been an easy strike, now that the creature was on the ground with its back to me. However, it turned out to be a mistake.
The instant I closed, the Scorpider’s tail lashed out at me. I didn’t even realize it was coming, until after it struck me.
● You have taken 25 points of assorted Damage. Stinger Piercing Damage 10, Stinger Poison Damage 15, you have the condition Poisoned
● You are being attacked. Would you like to use Fancy Footwork to avoid the attack? (Yes/No)
The attack already hit. Why did I get the prompt to Dodge after I’d already been hit?
The Scorpider realized who the easier target was and started swinging its stinger toward me. Again and again, it swung. Each strike was enough to send me back a pace.
There would be a moment where my Fancy Footwork prompt would start to form, right after the stinger impacted. I would stare at the place a prompt should appear, willing it to come faster. Each strike seemed to make the prompt take longer to appear. On the tenth strike, the monster’s poison had filled me to the point that my knees felt like water. I fell over backward, entirely unable to move.
I lay paralyzed for a while, with Shart screaming in my ear. Finally, Badgelor was above me, trying to fend off the creature by himself. I continued to lay uselessly below him. In my poisoned state, I thought about meatballs, of all things. My thoughts then roamed to beans, golf balls, teabags, and. . .
Suddenly, my eyes snapped open.
“WHY,” I screamed, as Badgelor’s furry balls danced across my face.
“Get up, ya fecker! I can’t hold this arsehole off forever,” yelled Badgelor.
I could only move my neck, and only a little at that. Badgelor was hanging low and loose, as he dodged to either side. Every move he made to avoid the creature caused his low-hanging fruit to bounce off my forehead. On top of everything else, I tried to ignore it. I tried to block out what was happening, when something magical happened.
My head jerked to the side, and Badgelor’s coin purse narrowly missed my face. As I stared on in wonder, his love spuds made a return visit. They plopped onto my face for a moment, before Badgelor was driven back.
“What happened? I dodged them,” I half croaked. I tried to reason out what I’d just done, as Badgelor’s giblets smacked into the top of my head.
“He has to be fighting to intentionally get his balls on your face as much as possible,” said Shart. “I mean, they have been everywhere at this point.”
“I wasn’t thinking about that,” I said.
“I wouldn’t be, either. I mean, seriously, they look like overripe watermelons,” groaned Shart. “He sorely needs to get a girlfriend.”
“If I find a polymorph scroll, I’m going to have Jim turn you into a female badger,” stated Badgelor.
Shart started to chuckle, then considered my earlier luck with scrolls. His eyes went wide.
Clearing my mind, I waited. Suddenly, my head snapped to the side, as Badgelor’s gonads zipped by. A moment later, my head lurched again, narrowly avoiding a quick visit with the boys. Then again, as Badgelor’s marbles raced by. The poison expired, and I could move. I rolled to my feet, facing the Scorpider.
“Jim, ya fecker, get behind me! Blast it with lightning,” ordered Badgelor.
I stood there, watching the creature. The tail flashed toward me, its stinger dripping poison. My body gracefully arced to the side, narrowly avoiding the strike. The stinger flashed forward again, and I Dodged it effortlessly. By the next strike, I had my sword out. I let my body know what to do, and my body responded.
The stinger tore toward me. I sidestepped and brought my sword down in a slash that sent the tail into the dirt. The Scorpider stepped forward, its two pincer claws moving to snap me in half. I flowed like calm water between both, slashing it across the face.
“Whoa, Jim,” said Shart, impressed.
The creature continued to strike, but it was only a distraction at this point. Each pinch, bite, or strike with its tail was simple to avoid. Soon, the Scorpider bore a litany of wounds across its body from the effort. I had achieved zen, a perfect calmness. In this, the Scorpider could not intrude.
I could have ended the battle faster, but there was no need. My Fancy Footwork was ready to move up to Expert, and I had Stamina to burn. Occasionally, Badgelor would blast it with his Destructive Gaze or move in to strike. Overall, I just dodged and slashed, until the creature finally collapsed.
“That was amazing,” said Badgelor, congratulating me. “Usually, you suck at fighting, but you were really great.”
“Yes,” agreed Shart. “Normally, watching you fight is like watching a dead cat decaying on the side of the road. That, though? That was poetry.”
“You solo-ed a boss,” said Badgelor, causing me to raise an eyebrow.
“Yes, but because Dum Dum is your pe- erm, companion, you both get equal shares of experience,” said Shart. “None of your party members are close enough to share any.”
&
nbsp; “I’m at max level,” I said.
“I’m not”, said Badgelor, and I realized that ‘we’ had earned some new Beast Master talents. I had also earned a new Mage Knight talent. Actually, I had a host of prompts at the bottom of my vision.
● Fancy Footwork has leveled up to Expert. Please choose a Fancy Footwork perk.
● Sword has leveled up to Expert. Please choose a Sword perk
● Alchemy has leveled up to Journeyman. Please choose an Alchemy perk.
● Monster Lore has leveled up to Journeyman. Please choose a Monster Lore perk.
Badgelor was busily devouring the Scorpider’s corpse, so I started searching for treasure. That process didn’t take very long, as I quickly found a chest.
● Scorpow, Scorpion Venom Crossbow with Webbing attachment
● Venom Sting, Component. The Scorpider’s stinger can be used as a crafting component to make a weapon.
● Chitin armor: Improved heavy armor
● Spider’s amulet: Stick to walls
“Holy shit,” I said, looking over the treasure trove. There were also over one hundred and eighty gold pieces, but, compared to the other equipment, it was meaningless.
“Should I be worried about cursed items?” I asked Shart, eyeing the horde.
“I already checked. They are all clear. Keep in mind, that’s not usually the case in dungeons.”
I quickly stripped off my dented armor and shoved it into my extradimensional storage, before putting on the Chitin armor. It was a shiny black material that felt lighter than I expected. I also would have expected it to be weaker than my steel armor, but, according to its stats, it was actually 2 points more durable and granted me 50% poison resistance.
Next, I grabbed the Scorpow. It was a very strange looking crossbow. It looked like something HR Giger and Ikea had cobbled together while drunk. I’d used one of them before, though. In fact, I still had one in Shart’s storage, if I ever needed it. However, this crossbow was a bit different. Looking down the chamber, it appeared that there wasn’t any room to insert a bolt. I experimentally tried to reload it, but there didn’t seem to be a mechanism.
