Across the table, Sienna tossed an incredibly smug look in Logan’s direction, but I don’t know what the fuck for, because…
“I ain’t talking to her, I’m talking to you, Sienna,” I made clear. “You might be trying to have a good time, but you haven’t done shit for me but toss shade and sabotage at every opportunity. What the fuck is your problem?”
“My problem? I’m not the one that ran away while their friends were still here suffering. I’m not the one who got clean and decided I was too good for the people who weren’t judging me for being supposedly ‘dirty’ in the first place. That was you. So what the fuck is your problem?”
I sat back in my chair a little stunned by that accusation, even though… I guess I could see where she was coming from. It was a common thing, something Will had talked with me about at length.
People who were still struggling projecting their guilt on to you, and the equal possibility that you were projecting the blame for your addiction on to them.
But the thing was, I knew they weren’t responsible for my shit, and I never thought they were. My enemy had always been unresolved grief, insecurity… hell, my own brain.
“I never blamed anybody else for my bullshit,” I spoke up, making sure I directed those words around the whole table. “And I apologize, truly, for making any of y’all feel like I thought I was better than you. I’m not. I’m no better than any of you, and I’m no different,” I said, shaking my head. “Which is exactly why I stayed away, because I didn’t think I was strong enough to maintain the victory that I scratched and clawed to get. And I can’t afford to lose it. I’m not judging anybody for the shit I was doing with them. I just don’t want to go back. And maybe that was wrong of me, thinking that being around y’all could cause that, but I promise you… that’s more about me than it is about you. It’s a question of my strength, not yours.”
“We know that P,” one of our homegirls, Coral, spoke up. “Why did you even invite her?” she asked Jen.
“Because she’s still our friend too, that’s exactly the problem,” Jen snapped at her. “All of us aren’t in the same place, as much as y’all love getting up on a high horse to act like we are.”
“Cause the idea is trying to respect everybody,” Alan said from beside me. “You can’t come in here ordering shots for a table full of people, knowing half of us are trying to stay sober. That’s fucking disrespectful. You can do what you want after, but we’re just trying to have dinner with old friends right now. You niggas can’t just eat and have a good time anymore? You always gotta be lit?”
“Whatever,” Sienna snapped, standing up. “I’m not about to listen to this shit. Fuck you,” she aimed at Coral, who flipped her off, “fuck you,” she told Alan, who just laughed, “and especially fuck you,” she said again, shooting that last one in mine and Logan’s direction.
Okay.
Cool.
As long as I didn’t have to deal with her bullshit anymore.
After a few seconds, Jen got up to follow behind Sienna, which I didn’t feel any way about – that was her friend, and that was fine. I just wasn’t trying to be part of any drama and shit.
And… it seemed like those of us who were left had the same thing in mind.
It felt good to be around them with a clear mind and unmuddied senses – felt good to be in a place where I could be out, enjoying myself with friends with no need to dull reality.
To just be present.
I… was glad, despite Sienna’s drama, that we’d come out.
I hadn’t known how much I needed this – needed to see that I didn’t have to be afraid of coming in contact with my past, or afraid to fully live.
I was good.
“God you look good in this suit,” Logan gushed, coming up to me backstage to fix my tie.
The morning and afternoon had swept by in a blur of press events, pictures, and interviews, and now we were approaching the summit of a mountain we’d been climbing all day – the actual premiere.
I didn’t have any more steam.
It must’ve shown on my face, because Logan looked up, her expression dipping into concern as she studied me. “What’s wrong?” she asked, cupping my face in her hands. “Are you okay?”
My tongue felt heavy in my mouth as I shook my head. “I… no,” I admitted. “Definitely not.”
“Okay. Um… let’s just sit down for a second,” she said, ushering me to a seat before she shooed away the assistants and whoever else had been swarming the area. “Hey… tell me what’s going on.”
I swallowed hard, trying to bring some moisture back to my mouth, but it wasn’t working. “I’ve just…. Fuck. I’ve got this thought in the back of my mind, that all of this shit is about to go wrong, and I can’t shake it. I’m supposed to go out here and give a speech, talk about the importance of this, why these people are supposed to care, and I just… can’t.”
“You can.”
“Nah, I’m really… like, I know you’re being supportive and encouraging, but for real. Logan… I cannot do this shit.”
She grabbed me under the chin, lifting my gaze to hers. “You are due on that stage in literally four minutes. You can, and you will.”
“I can’t think about anything but the failure. That’s all I see. Every time I try to think about what I’m supposed to say, it’s just a loop of everybody fucking hating it. It’s the only thing on my mind,” I admitted, knowing how shitty it sounded, but if I couldn’t keep it a buck with anybody else…
“Okay, so… you need something else on your mind? Something to supersede all this other stuff, right? Something different to overthink, to break the mental loop?”
I chuckled. “Yeah, actually. That would probably work, but this shit is so intense that I don’t even know what—”
“I’m pregnant.”
Logan – beautiful fucking Logan, who was especially exquisite right now in her runway worthy designer dress, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfectly poised as always – said that shit to me, and then took a step back.
And I just… blinked.
“What?” I asked. “Are you… you’re playing, right?”
She shook her head. “No. Not at all.”
“Logan, I—”
“Don’t have time to talk about this right now, I know,” she interrupted, grabbing my arm to tug me up from my seat. “You have something much bigger than this premiere to worry about now. So, focus all your anxieties on that instead. What you have to do right now, go out here and introduce this show? This is nothing, Pierre. So go do it.”
“Logan—”
“We need to get your mic on, Mr. Perry,” one of the production assistants insisted, rushing up to lead me away.
“I’m gonna go to my seat,” Logan called, giving me a little wave. “We’ll talk later.”
What?
Nah.
We needed to talk now, but she was right – we didn’t have time. And… remarkably, she was right about having something much more significant to worry about making introducing the show feel like a fucking breeze.
We’d practiced and rehearsed enough that I put on that particular performance with ease, but that word, pregnant was electric sliding through my brain the whole time.
“Later,” she scolded, when I tried to address her once I’d taken my seat for the screening to start. We weren’t in private, not really, just a section reserved in an auditorium full of influencers, youtubers, reviewers, journalists, and internet personalities we’d invited to watch the first episode and talk about it honestly.
Damn near everybody who’d worked on the show had their devices out, obsessively watching the reactions from the crowd, but I was obsessing about something else entirely.
Pregnant.
Was that why she’d been so different lately?
“Later,” she scolded, after the screening, when we’d soaked up all the applause. “People want to talk to you.
Yeah, but I didn’t want to talk to them.
>
At first, it was hard to give a shit about the pats on the back, the congratulations, but when I really saw the smiling faces of the actors, the crew, when Nick and Miko rushed me to wrap their arms around me for an excited embrace… it really hit me.
We’d done it.
And people had loved it.
Yeah, there were some people who felt like it was too moody and dark, but that was more about their personal tastes than a critique on what we’d created. Overwhelmingly, there was a consensus that we had something amazing on our hands.
After all my doubts, all the worries… here it fucking was.
We could celebrate.
I let myself soak it all in, all the raves, all the people wanting to take pictures and shake my hand, the hugs, all of it.
I lost track of Logan in the shuffle of things – or rather, she lost track of me, trying to avoid a very necessary conversation.
I had business to handle though, so I focused on that until the night was over, then made my way back to the hotel alone, since she had at least hit me up to let me know she was exhausted and had to turn in for the night.
Yeah, I bet she did.
I took my time getting undressed and showering in my own room, as I let this shit run through my mind. Not even the semantics of it all, the fact that I hadn’t even thought such a thing was a concern, just the fact that it… was.
A family of my own was something I hadn’t considered in a long time.
A long time.
I’d been so consumed with just trying to figure my shit – myself – out, trying to create something, trying to find my footing, that bringing other people into that wasn’t even a consideration.
And yet… the knowledge of Logan’s pregnancy, as out of left field as it was, had me feeling strangely… rooted.
It was the same way I felt about her.
Like I’d been wading in the dark, treading water, and then finally reached out and touched something solid. Like after just being for so long… my feet were on firm ground.
It was disconcerting.
And… relieving, somehow.
Which was a premature feeling, considering that fact that I didn’t even know what Logan was planning to do.
It was so soon – too soon – to bring a child into an equation we’d just found the answer to. My career was just starting, hers was in full blown – neither was in a place where making such a huge life change was wise.
Logan liked deciding things based on logic – not this emotional shit. It was why it had been so hard for her to even make a firm decision on being with me. I could hope all I wanted, and get settled with the idea of being a father, but… if she – rightly – decided it wasn’t a good time, and she didn’t want to do this… it wasn’t like I could force her hand.
Well… I guess I probably could, but I wouldn’t do that to her, wouldn’t violate her autonomy by begging, or worse, threatening.
Which was why we couldn’t keep saying later.
We needed to have this conversation.
I was picking up my phone to call and see if she was awake when a knock sounded at the door between our rooms. I immediately got up to answer, finding Logan on the other side in her pajamas, hair tied up for bed.
“What’s taking you so long to come talk to me?” she asked.
With a dry chuckle, I let her into the room. “You were the one avoiding me after you dropped that bomb, and then you ran off.”
Logan ran her tongue over her bare lips and nodded. “Yeah… I did, huh?” she gave me a wry smile. “I called myself letting you have your moment… as much as you still could, after I ruined it.”
“You didn’t ruin anything, shorty,” I told her, grabbing her hand to pull her with me to a seat on the bed. “I’m not saying it was the best way to drop that information, but it definitely had the intended effect. I killed that opening speech.”
“You did,” she laughed. “You were amazing. And the show was amazing. And everybody loved it. And I… feel like shit, because it ended up overshadowed.”
I shook my head. “I think you’re projecting, because you didn’t get to present this with your usual Logan delivery,” I said. “I couldn’t be happier with the reception the show is getting, the way it’s being covered, all that. I was distracted as fuck during the screening, but once everybody started gassing me up after, I was having a good time,” I chuckled. “Your announcement didn’t ruin anything but the forty-slide presentation with all the pros and cons you were probably planning to give me.”
“It wouldn’t have been forty slides,” she defended with a smile. “But… I’ve definitely been playing it all in my head.”
“And where have you arrived?” I asked, trying not to sound as nervous as I felt about her possible answer. “What do you think you want to do? Did the pros win or the cons?”
She pushed out a sigh before she met my gaze. “Neither. The pros didn’t matter, and the cons didn’t either. I just… I want to keep the pregnancy,” she said. “And… as much of a shock as it all is, I just hope that’s okay with you?”
“Okay with me?” I laughed, wrapping an arm around her to pull her into me. “It’s a lot more than okay, I’m fucking… relieved.”
Logan tipped her head back to look me in the eyes. “So… you’re happy about this? Not overwhelmed with the crushing fear of ruining a child?”
“Oh nah, I’m definitely that.”
“Oh thank God,” she gushed. “Me too.” I laughed at the relief on her face before she dropped her head to my shoulder. “I’m… feeling a lot of different things, actually. I’ve known for a couple of weeks and still haven’t processed them all. So I know you haven’t either.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m still pretty dazed, but… I’m… also kinda excited.”
“Which is crazy,” she countered. “We’re crazy for this.”
I shrugged. “That’s fine. We’ll be that together.”
28
Logan
I was so, so tired of throwing up.
My lack of – completely inappropriately named – morning sickness early on had given me a false sense of security. According to all my obsessive reading there were some lucky souls who managed to escape the curse of first trimester nausea and sickness.
I’d hoped to join their ranks, but apparently that was not meant to be.
I rinsed my mouth one more time with the bottle of mouthwash I’d started keeping on me at all times, just for occasions such as this. This being days like today, where I’d carved out a moment to attend a Cartwright Center event; a little award ceremony Rowan was putting on for all the high school graduates in attendance.
I couldn’t let my girls down by missing it.
My pregnancy was not common knowledge yet, and I didn’t plan on making it that way anytime soon. So, I’d snuck off to the bathroom to relieve the churning of my stomach before I sat through any more speeches.
On the way my back out, of course I bumped into Les.
As usual, the man looked good.
Now though, the cologne that used to make me want to climb all over him had my stomach lurching again.
“Hey,” he greeted me with a hug while I held my breath, and he squeezed me for just a moment before letting go, keeping the contact between us appropriate. “I thought I might run into you here.”
Yes, of course, because he probably didn’t have five million things competing for his brain’s attention. Not even once had I considered the fact that I might run into him at this event, which was silly because his presence made perfect sense.
In the same capacity that I’d stepped in for this year’s female graduates, Les had been doing his part for the guys. It was a role he’d stepped into because of my influence when we were still together.
I was glad to see that the change in our relationship status hadn’t meant a change in him doing his part for those boys.
“I’m glad to see you’re out here looking good,” I said to him, taking a step b
ack to give myself a break from his cologne.
“I can say the same, Ms. Byers,” he said. “According to the internet, it didn’t take very long for somebody to snatch you up – for obvious reasons. Pierre Perry, huh?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It was unexpected, but what can I say… that’s just the way things work out sometimes.”
He dipped his head. “Right, but… can I ask you something though?”
“Of course.”
“Word is that y’all started up right about the same time as things… fell apart for us. Was it because you met him?”
“No,” I answered immediately. “I was done when I left your apartment in the middle of the night that night. He and I didn’t meet until later.”
Fifteen minutes later, but still.
Les didn’t need to know that.
“Okay,” he nodded. “Not that it really matters you know, I was just curious. I never was completely clear on what went wrong between us,” he said, and I shook my head.
“Well, that’s probably because it wasn’t just this one, certain thing. I don’t know if you felt it like I did, but I don’t think either of us had really been feeling it for a while. And I finally just came to a point where I couldn’t keep living like that. We weren’t in love anymore Les, and I could feel it. It was permeating everything. You didn’t care anymore, which made it hard for me to care either, and eventually… one of us had to decide to end it. It just happened to be me.”
“I definitely loved you, Logan. I have since we were teenagers, before we actually got together.”
“I fully believe that, Les,” I agreed, smiling at him. “And I felt the same for you. But loving somebody, isn’t being in love, and it doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to be with them. And what I truly believe is that we were just so used to being together, that we didn’t know how to do anything else. But it was time.”
Les pushed out a deep sigh, but then he nodded. “I don’t like it, but I’d be full of shit if I disagreed. I never meant to make you feel like I didn’t care, but… you’re right. Things weren’t like they used to be.”
Behind the Scenes Page 30
