by Dawn Doyle
“I don’t think it’s that easy. Look.” He showed me his phone and, sure enough, there was a text from Elise, saying she was looking forward to getting reacquainted.
“Oh fuck.” I chuckled again.
“Yeah, so I need to speak to Lara to change the schedule, and Will to see if he’s okay with it. I’ve tried calling her, but there’s no answer and she’s not replied to my texts.”
Right on cue, Lara walked out between the popcorn and cotton candy stands, clipboard in hand and checking things off of a sheet. I pointed. “There she is.”
“Fuck, thank you,” Max sighed, his shoulders sagging with relief. “Wish me luck because I fucking need it today.”
I shook my head and continued on my way to where the ropes were in storage. I’d get this shit done and then grab an old shirt from Linc. As I reached the main building, something told me to turn back. As I did, I caught sight of Shay standing there with a pink T-shirt on, the fabric clinging to her toned waist and her curvy chest. I licked my lips as my eyes fell to her hips, then her thighs.
I straightened, remembering the crappy job I had to do, then went inside.
Shay
The weekend came around quickly, the past couple of days going by in a blur of colorful banners, balloons, and students getting busy with the last minute prep. Now it was go time, and the event was all set up. The main green in the center of the campus was transformed into a huge fair, minus the larger rides. I didn’t know how Lara and the others managed it, but there weren’t just the basic stalls like a coconut shy, a soccer penalty shootout… There were cotton candy and popcorn stands, ice cream trucks, basketball hoops or knock over tin cans to win a cuddly toy… There was even a huge carousel with colorful horses. I was transported to a childhood memory of my older brother taking me to the fair, winning the toy for me that I’d loved for so long. I’d refused to let him carry the giant panda, even though it was almost as tall as I was at the time. He’d even given me a cute nickname afterward.
“Doesn’t it look great?”
I turned around at Casey’s unexpected appearance. “Yeah, it does. Lara’s done a great job organizing this. I don’t know how she managed to pull this off in such a short amount of time.” I’d tried to offer others my help with set-up, but it either fell on deaf ears or was answered with a curt, ‘We got this, thanks.’
“Girl’s got some mad skills,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest.
Casey continued to stand beside me and it was a little unnerving. He was one of the few who said hi to me in passing, but was never one to strike up a conversation with me. It was oddly comforting that he spoke to me as though it were a regular occurrence.
I pointed to his dark-green T-shirt. “Hitting the emotional factor?” I asked.
He looked down at his faded top. “Yeah. Definitely going in for the feels.” He jerked his chin toward the tented booths he was going to be sitting at in a short amount of time. They reminded me of a puppet show. “Why did you say no?” When my mouth opened but nothing came out, he continued. “I’m not saying you should, by the way, but you were seriously pissed when Lara asked you.”
“It’s just not my thing,” I replied with a nervous laugh.
“You could’ve made a ton,” he said, tipping his head to the side. “It’s the only way for guys to come up to you without being turned down.”
I faced him and crossed my arms, mirroring him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He held up his palms. “Hey, no offense, Shay,” he said, then stuffed his hands into his pockets. “It’s just that you’re not very approachable. Most guys are afraid you’ll go in for the kill as soon as they open their mouths to you.”
“Seriously?” My voice barely made it past my lips as my stomach dropped like lead, hurtling toward the ground with great speed. “People think I’m unapproachable?”
“Hey, don’t take it the wrong way,” he said softly. “It can be a good thing. You don’t want jerks constantly harassing the shit out of you, but you do sometimes look at people with, um…”
“Disdain?” I said between my teeth.
Casey sighed. “Yeah, kinda. You give off the vibe that you want to be left the fuck alone.”
Lara had accused me of that before, saying my ‘resting bitch face’ was giving her a headache and I needed to ‘chill the fuck out.’ I didn’t even know I was doing it, but since then, I’d made a conscious effort to not do whatever it was I was supposedly doing with my face.
“Thank you for your insight, Casey. I appreciate your honesty.”
His brows drew together, his eyes narrowed with confusion. “Uh, you’re welcome, I think?”
God, I was seething. My temper was rising so much I clenched my fists tightly, my fingernails painfully digging into my palms. Is that how everybody saw me? The girl who they couldn’t talk to? Was Elise right?
*****
I locked the dorm room door behind me, and threw my purse across the room. What I needed was to hit something, to pound my fists into it so hard and fast that I couldn’t move or breathe. I picked up the white pillow from my bed, held it over my face and screamed as loudly as I could. I felt marginally better for the stress release, but it wasn’t enough.
I picked up my phone and tapped my brother’s face in my contacts, hearing the ringing tone a couple of times before he picked up.
“Hey, Shay, how’s it going?” he asked, the sound of his voice calming me already.
“Hey, Mason, I’m okay. How are you and the family?” He had his own now, and I barely saw them due to college, and him working. He was an amazing lawyer, and went above and beyond to help his clients.
“I’m great, the family’s doing well, and we’re excited for the vacation.” He paused when I didn’t reply right away. “Hey, I can tell something’s not right, Shay. What’s the matter?”
“I need to ask you something.” I hoped he would tell me the truth. If I couldn’t trust my brother, the one person in the world who wasn’t completely biased, then I couldn’t trust anyone at all. My parents would sugar coat it by saying, ‘You’re beautiful and smart. Some people are jealous when you have both. Ignore the remarks of those who have no interest in your personal wellbeing, and concentrate on your studies.’ Yeah, I didn’t need that. I wanted raw, ugly truth, not a skip around to pacify me. “Hit me with it, Mason, okay? Don’t hold back, just give it to me straight.”
“Shoot. Ask me anything you want.”
“Am I unapproachable?” There was silence, followed by the unmistakable sound of children laughing in the background. Mason’s daughters were adorable, and at three and five years old, were already running circles around him. I missed those two so much.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, people here think I have a resting bitch face. Do you?”
His laugh down the phone caused me to pull it away from my ear until he calmed down. “Yeah, you do,” he said, still chuckling. “But I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Why not? Mason, people think I’m going to be mean if they speak to me.”
“Well, you can get pretty wordy when you’re pissed, Shay, but that’s not your fault. That’s just how you cope.”
“Cope with what?” I thought I could deal with a lot of things incredibly well, and I was a strong, independent woman because I didn’t need anybody to get me where I needed to be.
It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like the option, though.
“Instead of screaming like a banshee like most people, you use your words. A kind of way to say ‘hey, you pissed me off, now I’m gonna show your tiny brain who it’s messing with.’ I’m not saying it’s always appreciated, though, honey.”
My lids brimmed with unshed tears. “But I don’t think that, not at all,” I replied.
“I’d be surprised after what that asshole did to you. That would make anyone cautious—”
“I don’t want to discuss that,” I cut in. What Ross had done to me still hurt, and the sha
me of how I fell for it scarred me. “Mason, I don’t have any friends.” It felt like a huge kick to my stomach finally admitting that to him, the shoe heavy and enormous, ramming into my gut over and over. I never used to be like that. I’d always had friends, and I’d been happy doing the usual things friends did. It had all come crashing down around me.
“What about your roommate?”
I swiped at the single tear that trickled down my face. “Lara’s only friends with me because of that. She got lumped with me and now she’s making the best use of a bad situation.”
“Is that how you see yourself?” he asked, disbelief lacing his tone. “That nobody wants to know you? Shay, you shouldn’t—”
“It’s true, though, isn’t it? God, I sound like I’m pitying myself and the predicament that I created of my own volition—”
“That right there,” he said, halting my rambling. “Some people—not all—go on the defensive when they hear talk like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like the person they’re talking to is way smarter than they are. It makes them feel inferior, and people don’t like to feel that way, panda girl. Why do you think nerdy types stick together?”
“That’s a mean stereotype, Mason,” I chided. “And one that’s frowned upon.”
“Maybe, but think of it this way… A bunch of college kids get together, ten of them, and one is different. They’re all smart, but the one just works in a slightly different way. Now, say that one talks in a way that the nine don’t. There’s a communication error there, pretty much like coding problems when one line of code won’t communicate with the hardware like it’s intended.”
“Then you’d look at the code again and find a solution,” I replied. “You’d investigate the problem and come up with an alternative, and if the problem persisted, you’d look at the possibility of the hardware being incompatible with the software that was provided.”
“Exactly. The single kid is the software, and the nine are the hardware. They can see each other, they can get along to a point, but they’re not exactly liking the other very much. Errors and bad gateways are flying about everywhere, but some connections manage to get through. Do you see what I’m saying?”
“I’m the software and they’re the hardware?”
“Yes, and Lara is the only hardware that’s compatible right now. Without her, the software doesn’t function as it should.”
I sat down on my bed, my shoulders slumping. “But I don’t want to rely on her all the time, Mason, it’s not fair to her. She’s already done so much for me, and I’ve come so far this year with her help.” She was the only one who got past my defenses, dragging me into conversation and acting like she wanted to talk to me, even if it was mostly in our room.
He snorted. “Yeah, you were a walking dictionary when you first left for college and, again, not your fault. But, I’m glad it’s mellowed you out a little, panda girl.”
A lot of that was because of Lara, and just thinking that, I realized I owed her so much more than what she deserved. She’d asked me for something that was minuscule in comparison for what she’d given me, and I’d put my personal aversions first.
“Thanks, Mason.”
“For what?”
“For telling me the truth.” It hurt so much, but I knew I had a lot further to go before I could change for the better. I didn’t want to be the girl that was shy, has a ridiculous makeover and is then suddenly so outgoing and popular that she drowns in the overwhelming copiousness of social status and acceptance. I just wanted to be a better version of myself—an approachable version. I just wanted to be me again.
“No problem, Shay. I miss you, and so do Sabrina and the girls.”
“I miss you all, too.”
We said our goodbye’s and ended the call. I walked over to the small oval mirror on my desk and checked my face, seeing thin lines of dried tears staining my cheeks. I had to fix that and the puffiness under my eyes right away. I had a fair to go to and money to spend.
*****
All that talk inside my head was futile. The moment I stepped out onto the green, anxiety dug it’s filthy claws into me, slicing through my skin and crawling inside me.
Fuck it, I have to do something.
I took in a deep breath, the warm air filling my lungs, and with it, the scent of fresh popcorn and toasted buns causing my stomach to growl.
“Come on, come on!” Lara said as she walked quickly over to me, her smile bigger than I thought possible. “The fair’s about to open, and every hour that passes, we’re going to display what we’ve raised. The local residents are waiting at the front to come in, too. What do you think?” She waved her arms around as the sight before me.
“Lara, you’ve truly outdone yourself,” I replied, clapping quietly. “It’s fantastic. How did you get all of this here?”
She beamed, proud of herself. She smoothed down her pale-blue top, the thick strap showing off her toned, bare arms. “I had a lot of help. The guys pulled a few favors and Elise called her brothers to help with the games. We hired a small carnival company, so they’re keeping the money they make, but the rides will bring people in anyway. Everybody has been passed by security and are wearing their visitor’s badges.”
“Wow, you’ve done so much.” I looked around again, my eyes going back to the tent-like booths where two guys and two girls were talking. “Are all the places taken?”
Lara turned to where I was looking. “Amazingly, the lists have duplicate entries—not that I’m surprised, but we can’t allocate a specific person. I think the list will work out better so there isn’t a queue, you know? Imagine everybody queuing to lock lips with Max, or holding out for Eastyn.” Upon hearing his name, I turned my attention back to them instead of Lara while she continued talking. “Or Elise and Kyra. Not just those four, but they’re first up. How crazy would that be, huh? Nobody going to the other stalls because they were waiting for those few seconds?”
“Yeah, insane,” I agreed. “Oh, did you find somebody else for the booth?”
“Nobody the girls would agree with, so I decided to double up myself.” Lara started walking while explaining we had five minutes left until the madness began, but I could hear in her raised tone that she was excited. “All set?” she asked Elise.
Elise fixed her long ponytail and flicked her eyes to me, then back to Lara. “All set, boss. My lips are primed and ready.” She chuckled, then adjusted her loose shirt. The yellow fabric emphasized her tan, and the shoe-lace straps made it look delicate. I envied how easy she made it look; her self confidence was astounding. “I just need to text Tammy to say I’m here already.” She tapped on her phone, then slipped it in to her pocket, her white pants fitting her like a second skin.
I glanced down to my modest pink T-shirt, the capped sleeves curving around my shoulders. It wasn’t too hot to wear jeans, so I’d opted for my favorite pair with small slashes over the thighs, down to the knees.
“Almost done,” Kyra mumbled as she applied some lip balm. “There, now I’m ready, too. Do you think I’m overdressed?” She gestured down the length of the red dress she wore and gently tugged on the flowing skirt that reached her thighs. “I was thinking a love theme because of the kissing.”
“I love it,” Lara replied, then complimented them both on their outfits. “Guys, are you ready?”
Max saluted her. “Yes, Ma’am. Show them the way to love central.”
Eastyn shook his head. “Yeah, okay, Romeo, don’t get too carried away,” he mumbled.
Max held his arms out, his T-shirt almost identical in wear to Casey’s. “Hey, it’s the ladies that’ll get carried away, dude. They won’t be able to help themselves.” He turned to me. “What do you say, Shay? Are the babes gonna flock to me?”
I smiled at him. “I can practically feel the magnetic field radiating from you.” I moved my hands around as though I were feeling some invisible force in the air.
He jabbed his finger towards me.
“Hear that? Fucking science right there proves the girls are gonna keep coming back for more.”
Lara laughed, but Elise and Kyra looked to each other, then to me. “Yeah, you’re going to draw them in, Max,” she said, still chuckling.
Eastyn said nothing but I could feel his stare on me, burning into the side of my face. Elise rolled her eyes, and I dug my teeth into my bottom lip to keep me from saying something I shouldn’t.
I am the software and she is the hardware.
I felt ridiculous thinking that, but if I had one thing that could stop me from making a fool out of myself, then I was going to use it, regardless.
Lara opened the ropes at the front of the five lines, the spaces set up to make four areas for the payees to queue.
“Good luck everyone,” I said, then stepped out of the way as people started walking over to us. With two minutes still to go, they seemed over eager to get to their slots on time.
“We don’t need luck,” Elise snipped. “This is a cake walk.” Excited chatter rose up around us, but I managed to catch the words that she muttered. ‘Run along, little girl.’
“Does the offer still stand?” I rushed out before I could change my mind, desperate for Lara to answer before I turned on my heel and bolted.
Lara narrowed her eyes. “What offer?”
“Going first?” Max asked. “Shit, yeah!”
I nodded quickly and reached into my back pocket, pulling out ten dollars. “Can you break it?” The bill trembled in my fingers, and Elise’s sly smile curled one side of her mouth. “I don’t have less.”
Lara shook her head, her mouth agape and her eyes rounded as though in shock. “No, but you can officially open this event with that bill.”
Max cackled when I looked at Elise. “Yeah, pucker up, girls. I don’t mind watching.” He rubbed his hands together, his eyes darting between us.
“Not Elise,” I whispered, glancing between the four of them. Max was amused, Eastyn was indifferent, and both Elise and Kyra stared at each other as though wondering if I’d lost my mind. “Eastyn.” I regretted my decision then, but I couldn’t go back on it.
