by J E McDonald
*
After we have given our names in at the door of 1 oak, we walk into the party holding hands. The place is packed, full of faces I have seen around campus. The DJ is playing chemical brothers, it’s so loud I swear the floor is vibrating.
“Look, there is Sienna and Jason.” Ellie shouts into my ear.
“You go over, I will get us some drinks.” I kiss her cheek and head towards the bar.
Fifteen minutes later I am handing Ellie her gin and lemonade, sipping my beer and wishing we had stayed in the penthouse. A year ago, this would have been my ideal night out, crowded club, drunk girls everywhere, unlimited alcohol. Now though, I would rather be in bed with Chinese food, Ellie and Netflix.
“Everything okay?” Ellie says into my ear. I pull her by her waist so I can kiss her. She tastes sweet and smells of Chanel. I consider dragging her off to the bathroom.
“I wish we would have stayed at home; I am over these scenes.” I say against her soft lips.
“What scenes?” She is intrigued. I wish I hadn’t said anything. I don’t want to lie to her, but I also don’t want her to know too much about my antics at home.
“Just the club scene, I did this in London, it gets old fast.” My answer is vague whilst still being truthful.
“Let us just try and enjoy ourselves for a few hours and then we can go home and enjoy ourselves there.” She kisses me and nibbles my bottom lip, sending shivers up my spine. I moan into the kiss and have to grab onto her hip to keep my balance.
“Besides I think Jack is probably appreciating having the suite to himself.” She giggles and playfully pushes me by my shoulder.
“Hey dude, long time no see.” Jason taps his beer bottle against mine, giving me a drunken grin.
“I know man, I’ve been a bit preoccupied.” I say turning my gaze towards gorgeous head.
“You are so whipped, Bro.” he follows my gaze to Ellie and chuckles, taking a sip of his beer.
“I’ve never stated otherwise. What about you and Sienna? Are you here together?” I fain interest.
“We have been sleeping together for a while now, we haven’t put a label on it though, we are just fooling around, I think.” He says trying to be blasé.
“You think you are just fooling around? If you like her bro, you should just ask her to be your girlfriend. Grow a pair of balls.” I shock myself by offering him advice. This is obviously a side effect of the new me. Ellie has turned me into a melt. I like it though.
*
‘So, things are going well between you and Nathan then? I can’t remember the last time you slept in our dorm.” Sienna smiles at me and takes a sip of a pink coloured cocktail.
“Things are amazing between us. I really love him.” I reply whilst keeping my eyes on my boy. He is laughing and joking with Jason and it warms my heart that he is making an effort. I remember the first time I ever saw Nathan. He was with Jason then; it would be nice if they could become friends.
“I can’t say I blame you really, he is hot.” Sienna says, an unfamiliar feeling of jealousy washes over me, and I said Nathan was possessive. I look him up and down, I can’t blame her for calling him hot.
He is hot, wearing dark blue Jacob Cohen jeans, navy suede and leather lace up Lanvin shoes, a petrol blue cashmere sweater with a white shirt underneath, he has a dark blue mac coat on top, completing the look. His easy smile and natural swagger, it has you drawn to him like a moth to a flame. The girls gawking at him when they walk past prove my point. Back off bitches, he is mine.
“What about you and Jason?” I tear my eyes away from my guy, swallowing my irrational jealousy.
“I really like him El, but I think he just wants to keep it casual.” Her expression turns to sadness.
“Hey, just tell him you want more, if he doesn’t, it’s his loss.” I rub her shoulder and she smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I feel bad for her; I would hate it if I didn’t know where I stood with Nathan. Thankfully he has made his feelings clear for me from the very beginning. One thing I can say about Nathan, he is honest and upfront about who he is and what he wants.
The boys make their way back over to us and Nathan’s arm wrapping around my waist pulls me out of my thoughts.
“Hey, are you ready to leave? I’m bored of mingling and I am sweating with all these layers on.” Nathan says pulling at the collar of his shirt. I laugh; he is so dramatic.
“Yes, baby, we can go home, I think you are wearing too many layers anyway.” I say into his ear, grazing my teeth against it. I swear I feel a tremor run through his body. I can’t hide my grin when I pull back.
“Say goodbye to your friend, we are going home, now!” he gives me a serious, carnal look and I swear a whimper passes through my lips. He smirks at me and pulls me towards him by my dress, kissing me hard.
I reluctantly pull away, without taking my eyes from him, I tell Sienna I am leaving. I hear her and Jason laugh. I wrap my hand around Nathan’s arm and allow him to lead me out of the club to the car that is waiting for us.
Chapter Forty-Eight – Ellie
As we enter the suite, Jack is sitting in the living room alone, a serious expression on his face.
“El, can you give us a minute.” Nathan asks, my heart sinks, I feel dismissed. I nod my head and walk out of the room, but instead of going straight upstairs I stand just behind the door so I can overhear.
“I’ve spoken to mum, she said Charlie has been found dead.” Jack tells Nathan, I have to cover my mouth with my hand to silence my gasp.
“How does she know?” Nathan’s voice sounds shallow and cold, if I didn’t know it was him in the room, I would not recognise him.
“It’s all over the news bro, the war is still going on back home, she doesn’t think it’s safe for us to go home at Christmas. I agree with her.”
“I am going home, you don’t have to come, in fact it might be best if you stay here. Ellie is going home to her family, so I won’t have to worry about her.” Nathan’s cold voice sends shivers down my spine.
“I thought you had let this go, being here, with Ellie, I thought you had changed. You don’t need to go back home; our lives are here now.” Jack is almost pleading with Nathan; it takes everything in me to keep my feet rooted to the spot and not barge into the room with them.
“I have changed, my life is here now. But I won’t let this go, they killed Ryan and now Charlie. They would have killed us that day too.” Nathan’s words knock the wind out of me. What day?
‘So, what is your plan then? Go back to London, play gangster and get yourself killed? Leave that poor girl, your family, heartbroken? For what, revenge?” Jack Snaps.
“Ryan was as much of a brother to you as he was to me, are you honestly telling me you don’t want them dead too?” Nathan speaks in a low, sinister voice, I don’t know this version of him.
“No, I think you should give the police his name, and let them do their jobs Nay! You have sat on this information for months, if you would have said something before, maybe Charlie would still be alive!” Jack’s tone is as venomous as Nathan’s.
“I am not a fucking grass!” Nathan spits.
“No, you are just a fucking idiot! Only a dickhead would talk like that! There are lads dropping dead left, right and centre, over what? An accident that happened two years ago?” Jack spits back. I know I am intruding on their privacy, on something I honestly do not want anything to do with, but my feet will not move.
“Don’t fucking speak about that! Keep your voice down, I don’t want Ellie knowing anything about this shit! I will go home and sort all this out, come back here and that will be it, I won’t go back again!” Nathan lowers his voice, so it is almost inaudible.
“It wasn’t your fault Nay, or Ryan’s! It was an accident! You need to give his name into the police, or I will tell them what I know, and let them figure it out from the breadcrumbs that I leave!” Jack speaks to Nathan like he is trying to pacify a lion.
“You don’t
know anything, I made sure of it, and you will not get involved! I will end this!” Nathan says, the volume of his voice rising slightly.
“That day in the café, when we got chased, the lad wearing the balaclava, he called you Boo, only people close to you, know that name, which means he used to be a friend, all this is because of Craig. I know more than you think!” Jack speaks calmly and rationally. My head is spinning.
“Jack, leave it alone!” Nathan warns.
I hear footsteps coming towards me, I run towards the stairs as quickly and quietly as I can, just as I reach the bedroom I share with Nathan, I hear his footsteps on the stairs. I grab my pyjamas and dash into the en suite bathroom. As I close the door, I slide down it and sit on the floor. I try to process everything I overheard downstairs. I feel like I don’t know Nathan, well definitely not the version of him that was just in that living room. Talking about people getting killed like it was nothing, hinting at doing something terrible himself. Who the hell was he back in London?
“Ellie are you in there?” he knocks on the bathroom door and rattles the handle.
“Just a minute.” I mumble, trying desperately to sound calmer than I feel.
After I have changed into my pyjamas, I wash my makeup off, brush my teeth and take a few deep breaths. I don’t want to give away that I overheard, or rather listened in on Nathan’s conversation. When I walk back into the bedroom Nathan has undressed down to his boxers, he leans in to kiss me, but I turn my head and give him my cheek.
“What’s wrong?” He stares at me, worry evident in his eyes.
“Nothing, I’m just tired.” I reply without meeting his eyes. I walk over to the bed and climb in. Nathan walks in the bathroom, brushes his teeth and then climbs into bed. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me into him, nuzzling and kissing the back of my neck. I want nothing more than to turn to him and kiss him back, but his conversation is running through my mind on repeat.
“Babe, I’m so tired, I just want to sleep.” I say and my heart sinks a little, I have never rejected him, but I can’t shake the distrust I know feel towards him.
“Okay, goodnight babe.” I hear the hesitation in his voice but instead of pushing me further he tightens his arm around my waist and snuggles into me. It is an odd combination, feeling both safe and scared in the arms of someone you love.
Chapter Forty-Nine – Nathan
When I wake the bed is empty, the restlessness I feel from lack of sleep intensifies. Where is Ellie?
I open the bathroom door to look inside but she isn’t there.
When I reach the kitchen, Jack is sitting at the island eating breakfast.
“Have you seen Ellie?” I ask him.
“She left about an hour ago, said she needed to go back the dorm, she had an early class?” Jack replies whilst scrolling through his phone.
“Jack, its Sunday, Columbia isn’t even open! Shit, do you think she heard our conversation? Shit!” I start pacing and pulling at me hair. Shit, Shit, Shit!
“I know, I’m not stupid! She had yoga pants and a jumper on, I thought she meant like a gym class or something. Stop freaking out she was upstairs, she couldn’t have heard us, besides didn’t I tell you to stop lying to that girl!” Jack snipes.
“I don’t lie to her! She just doesn’t know every tiny detail, and she doesn’t have to know!” The effort it is taking to keep my temper and anxiety under control is exhausting. I didn’t even realise I was calling Ellie, until the dial tone started running through my ears.
“She isn’t answering, shit she must have heard us! Fuck! What did I say? I can’t even remember, was it bad?” the desperation in my voice makes me cringe.
“Oh, you know, just that you wanted people dead, nothing major.” Jacks sarcasm irks me.
“Do I look like I am in the mood for your sarcasm?! Prick!” My tone is venomous, I notice Jack flinch.
“Look, I’m sorry, but this is all your own fault! Just drive to the dorms and see if she is there.” Without replying to Jack, I run to the stairs.
Within minutes I am dressed and sitting in the back of the town car, I ask David if he dropped Ellie anywhere, when he says yes, I ask him to take me there.
*
“Ellie, open the door!” I am pounding on her dorm room, not caring about the noise, I will wake the entire campus if I have to.
“Nathan, Jesus Christ, you are going to wake the entire dorm!” Sienna opens the door and ushers me into the room, Jason sits up in her bed and pulls the quilt cover up to cover his chest.
“Where is Ellie?” after looking around the room and noticing she isn’t here, I am frantic.
“She isn’t here, what’s going on? Did you guys have a fight?” Sienna looks worried for her friend, which irritates me, I would never hurt Ellie.
“No! I just can’t find her!” I snap and then reign myself in, it’s not Sienna’s fault I fucked up. “Sorry.” I add to take the sting out of my words.
“Well she hasn’t been back here, she might be at Muay Thai, she signed up for classes at the start of semester, but then she met you, so she never got around to going.” Sienna tells me, I am shocked by this revelation, I can’t imagine my sweet girl doing martial arts.
“Where is that?” I ask, Jason rolls his eyes and falls back against the mattress. I clench my fists and take a deep breath.
“I don’t know Nathan, she just said it was Downtown somewhere. Look why don’t you go home and wait for her, if she comes back here, I’ll tell her you stopped by.” Sienna says, I know I am being dismissed, so to stop myself from kicking off, I turn on my heel and walk out of the room, slamming the door closed behind me.
“David, why did you bring me here? Ellie hasn’t been back to her dorm.” I ask as I climb back into the town car.
“This is where I dropped her off, Mr Crane.” David is a nice man, he is in his late thirties, with blonde hair and stubble, he always wears pristine suits, obviously my dad’s orders, and he is straight to the point, you know exactly where you stand with him. If he says he dropped her here, I believe him, she just obviously didn’t go past the gates.
“Where to sir?” He asks whilst looking at me through the mirror.
“Just back to the penthouse please. And David, you can call me Nathan.”
“With respect, I would prefer to call you, Mr Crane or Sir, if that’s okay?” again he says this through the mirror.
“Okay, if you prefer it, it’s fine by me.” This has got to be another stupid rule set by my dad, the staff not being allowed to be too familiar. I only see the fella every single day, but I don’t push it.
After six hours and about twenty unanswered phone-calls and text messages, Ellie walks through the bedroom door of the penthouse. I am about to bite her head off, but I restrain myself. The last thing I want to do is lash out at her and scare her away.
“Where have you been?” I ask coolly.
“Don’t look at me like that, liar!” She retorts.
“Woah! How am I a liar?” I snap.
“All that shit you fed me, about you leaving your past behind you, how you have changed blah blah blah! I heard your conversation with Jack!” Her words are like acid, and I feel myself flinch.
“I have changed! You don’t know what I was like, back home, and honestly, you shouldn’t have been listening!” my instinct is always to be defensive and as I snap at her, I instantly regret it. Her face drops and she looks at me like I have slapped her.
“No, I shouldn’t have been listening, but If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t know half of what you are planning! Going home to potentially get yourself killed? And no, I don’t know who you were in London, because you only tell me what you want me to know! I can’t be with you if you are going to lie to me!” Her words are quiet and controlled which scares me more than if she had screamed at me. She doesn’t want to be with me. I feel my heart hammering against my chest, there is a cold sweat breaking out all over my skin.
“What are you saying? We are finis
hed, just like that. You said you loved me, so who is the liar now?” I sink back onto the bed, and put my head in my hands, I can feel wetness on my cheeks, I hastily scrub at my eyes, I will not allow myself to cry like a bitch.
“I do love you, and I never said we was finished, you child! I said I can’t be with a liar! So, you have this once chance to tell me the whole truth, if you don’t, then yes, we are done!” She shouts at me now, her temper is at boiling point, I’ve never seen her so mad. When I look up at her, her eyes are red and she has tears welling, threatening to run down her face, unlike me though she allows them to fall.
“I. I don’t know what to say?” I mumble and fiddle with my hands, clearly a habit I’ve picked up from Ellie.
“Okay, let’s start with, who is Craig? What happened to him?” the sound of his name coming from her lips, it hits me like whiplash. This was the one thing I wanted to keep buried, but I don’t know how much she heard so I know I can’t dig myself out of this. I have to tell her. Once she knows she will leave me, the knowledge devastates me.
“When my dad left us, I was seventeen. We were the perfect family, we had everything, sickly happy. I didn’t know how to deal with it, I felt abandoned. Jack and Ryan felt the same. My mum was distraught, she didn’t have a clue anything was wrong with their marriage. Jack handled it better than I did, he just started spending more time at his girlfriends, when he was home, he was in his room studying or playing Xbox. I worshipped my dad, and he hurt me, so I wanted to hurt him just as bad. I started drinking and smoking weed, hanging around with the boys I bought the weed from. Ryan was my best friend, practically my brother, so he didn’t question my behaviour or new choice in friends, he just went along with me. We were in private schools, we got straight A’s, I got accepted to Cambridge. I knew getting involved in gangs, drinking and taking drugs, that was how I was going to hurt my dad. He was Michael Crane, billionaire entrepreneur. His rebellious son was going to ruin his reputation, that was going to hurt him. I had boxed since I was a kid, I was good at it, so fighting was the next step I suppose, I started kicking the shit out of kids for fun, I made a new reputation for myself, gone was the preppy school boy, I was feared, by kids much worse than me, I loved it.” I paused to take a breath, when I looked over at Ellie, she was just staring at me, sitting crossed legged on the chair across from me, listening.
