VOLUME TWO, CHAPTER EIGHT.
On the ensuing day, the pacha was sitting at his divan, according to hiscustom, Mustapha by his side, lending his ear to the whispers of diverspeople who came to him in an attitude of profound respect. Still theywere most graciously received, as the purport of their intrusion was toinduce the vizier to interest himself in their behalves when their causecame forward to be heard and decided upon by the pacha, who in all caseswas guided by the whispered opinion of Mustapha. Mustapha was agood-hearted man: he was always grateful, and if any one did him a goodturn he never forgot it. The consequence was, that an intimation that apurse of so many sequins would be laid at his feet if the cause to beheard was decided in favour of the applicant, invariably interestedMustapha in the favour of that party; and Mustapha's opinion was alwayscoincided in by the pacha, because he had (or supposed that he had) halfof the sequins so obtained. True, the proverb says, "you should be justbefore you are generous;" but Mustapha's arguments when he firstproposed to the pacha this method of filling the royal treasury, were soexcellent, that we shall hand them down to posterity. "In the firstplace," said Mustapha, "it is evident that in all these causes theplaintiffs and defendants are both rascals. In the second place, it isimpossible to believe a word on either side. In the third place,exercising the best of your judgment, you are just as likely to go wrongas right. In the fourth place, if a man happens to be wronged by ourdecision, he deserves it as a punishment for his other misdeeds. In thefifth place, as the only respectability existing in either partyconsists in their worldly wealth, by deciding for him who gives most,you decide for the most respectable man. In the sixth place, it is ourduty to be grateful for good done to us, and in so deciding, we exercisea virtue strongly inculcated by the Koran. In the seventh place, webenefit both parties by deciding quickly, as a loss is better than alaw-suit. And in the eighth and last place, we want money."
On this day a cause was being heard; and, although weighty reasons hadalready decided the verdict, still, _pro forma_, the witnesses on bothsides were examined; one of these, upon being asked whether he witnessedthe proceedings, replied, "That he had no doubt, but there was doubt onthe subject; but that he doubted whether the doubts were correct."
"Doubt--no doubt--what is all this? do you laugh at our beards?" saidMustapha sternly, who always made a show of justice. "Is it the fact ornot?"
"Your highness, I seldom met a fact, as it is called, without havinghalf a dozen doubts hanging to it," replied the man: "I will not,therefore, make any assertion without the reservation of a doubt."
"Answer me plainly," replied the vizier, "or the ferashes and bamboowill be busy with you very shortly. Did you see the money paid?"
"I believe as much as I can believe any thing in this world, that I didsee money paid; but I doubt the sum, and I doubt the metal, and I havealso my other doubts. May it please your highness, I am an unfortunateman, I have been under the influence of doubts from my birth; and it hasbecome a disease which I have no doubt will only end with my existence.I always doubt a fact, unless--"
"What does the ass say? What is all this but bosh?--nothing. Let himhave a fact."
The pacha gave the sign--the ferashes appeared--the man was thrown, andreceived fifty blows of the bastinado. The pacha then commanded them todesist. "Now, by our beard, is it not a fact that you have received thebastinado? If you still doubt the fact, we will proceed."
"The fact is beyond a doubt," replied the man, prostrating himself."But excuse me, your sublime highness, if I do continue to assert that Icannot always acknowledge a fact, without such undeniable proofs as yourwisdom has been pleased to bring forward. If your highness were to hearthe history of my life, you would then allow that I have cause todoubt."
"History of his life! Mustapha, we shall have a story."
"Another fifty blows on his feet would remove all his doubts, yourhighness," replied Mustapha.
"Yes; but then he will be beaten out of his story. No, no; let him hetaken away till the evening, and then we shall see how he will make outhis case."
Mustapha gave directions, in obedience to the wish of the pacha. In theevening, as soon as they had lighted their pipes, the man was orderedin; and, in consideration of his swelled feet, was permitted to sitdown, that he might be more at ease when he narrated his story, whichwas as follows:--
THE STORY OF HUDUSI.
Most sublime pacha, allow me first to observe, that, although I havelatterly adhered to my own opinions, I am not so intolerant as not topermit the same licence to others: I do not mean to say that there arenot such things as facts in this world, nor to find fault with those whobelieve in them. I am told that there are also such things as flyingdragons, griffins, and other wondrous animals, but surely it is quitesufficient for me, or any one else, to believe that these animals exist,when it may have been our fortune to see them; in the same manner, I amwilling to believe in a fact, when it is cleared from the mists ofdoubt; but up to the present, I can safely say, that I seldom havefallen in with a fact, unaccompanied by _doubts_, and every year adds tomy belief, that there are few genuine facts in existence. So interwovenin my frame is doubt, that I sometimes am unwilling to admit, as a fact,that I exist. I believe it to be the case, but I feel that I have noright to assert it, until I know what death is, and may from thence drawan inference, which may lead me to a just conclusion.
My name is Hudusi. Of my parents I can say little. My father assertedthat he was the bravest janissary in the sultan's employ, and hadgreatly distinguished himself. He was always talking of Rustam, asbeing a fool compared to him; of the number of battles he had fought,and of the wounds which he had received in leading his corps on alldesperate occasions; but as my father often bathed before me, and theonly wound I could ever perceive was one in his rear, when he spoke ofhis bravery, I _very much doubted the fact_.
My mother fondled and made much of me, declared that I was the image ofmy father, a sweet pledge of their affections, a blessing sent by Heavenupon their marriage; but, as my father's nose was aquiline, and mine isa snub, or aquiline reversed; his mouth large, and mine small; his eyesred and ferrety, and mine projecting; and, moreover, as she was a veryhandsome woman, and used to pay frequent visits to the cave of a saintedman in high repute, of whom I was the image, when she talked of thejanissary's paternity, I _very much doubted the fact_.
An old mollah taught me to read and write and repeat the verses of theKoran--and I was as much advanced as any boy under his charge--but hedisliked me very much for reasons which I never could understand, andwas eternally giving me the slipper. He declared that I was areprobate, an unbeliever, a son of Jehanum, who would be impaled beforeI was much older; but here I am, without a stake through my body at theage of forty-five; and your highness must acknowledge that when herailed all this in my ears, I was justified in _very much doubting thefact_.
When I was grown up, my father wanted me to enrol myself in the corps ofjanissaries, and become a lion-killer like himself; I remonstrated, butin vain; he applied, and I was accepted, and received the mark on myarm, which constituted me a janissary. I put on the dress, swaggeredand bullied with many other young men of my acquaintance, who were allready, as they swore, to eat their enemies alive, and who curled theirmoustachios to prove the truth of what they said. We were despatched toquell a rebellious pacha--we bore down upon his troops with a shout,enough to frighten the devil, but the devil a bit were they frightened,they stood their ground; and as they would not run, we did, leavingthose who were not so wise, to be cut to pieces. After this, when anyof my companions talked of their bravery, or my father declared that heshould be soon promoted to the rank of a spahi, and that I was a lion'swhelp, I _very much doubted the fact_.
The pacha held out much longer than was at first anticipated: indeed, solong as to cause no little degree of anxiety in the capital. Moretroops were despatched to subdue him; and success not attending ourefforts, the vizier, according to the custom, was under th
e disagreeablenecessity of parting with his head, which was demanded because we turnedtail. Indeed, it was to oblige us, that the sultan consented to deprivehimself of the services of a very able man; for we surrounded thepalace, and insisted that it was all his fault; but, considering ourbehaviour in the field of battle, your highness must admit that therewas reason to _doubt the fact_.
We were again despatched against this rebellious pacha, who sate uponthe parapets of his strong-hold, paying down thirty sequins for the headof every janissary brought to him by his own troops, and I am afraid agreat deal of money was spent in that way. We fell into an ambuscade,and one half of the corps to which my father belonged were cut topieces, before we could receive any assistance. At last the enemyretired. I looked for my father, and found him expiring; as before, hehad received a wound on the wrong side, a spear having transfixed himbetween the shoulders. "Tell how I died like a brave man," said he,"and tell your mother that I am gone to Paradise." From an intimateknowledge of my honoured father's character, in the qualities of thief,liar, and coward, although I promised to deliver the message, _I verymuch doubted these facts_.
That your highness may understand how it was that I happened to be leftalone, and alive on the field of battle, I must inform you, that Iinherited a considerable portion of my father's courageous temper, andnot much liking the snapping of the pistols in my face, I had thrownmyself down on the ground, and had remained there very quietlypreferring to be trampled on, rather than interfere with what was goingon above.
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"By the sword of the Prophet! there is one fact--you were a very greatcoward," observed the pacha.
"Among my other doubts, your highness, I certainly have some doubts asto my bravery."
"By the beard of the pacha, I have no doubts on the subject," observedMustapha.
"Without attempting to defend my courage, may I observe to yourhighness, that it was a matter of perfect indifference to me whether thesultan or the pacha was victorious; and I did not much admire hardblows, without having an opportunity of putting a few sequins in mypocket. I never knew of any man, however brave he might be, who foughtfor love of fighting, or amusement; we all are trying in this world toget money; and that is, I believe, the secret spring of all ouractions?"
"Is that true, Mustapha?" inquired the pacha.
"May it please your sublime highness, if not the truth, it is not veryfar from it. Proceed Hudusi."
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The ideas which I have ventured to express before your sublime highness,were running in my mind, as I sat down among the dead and dying, and Ithought how much better off were the pacha's soldiers than those of oursublime sultan, who had nothing but hard blows, while the pacha'ssoldiers received thirty sequins for the head of every one of our corpsof janissaries; and one idea breeding another, I reflected that it wouldbe very prudent, now that the pacha appeared to be gaining theadvantage, to be on the right side. Having made up my mind upon thispoint, it then occurred to me, that I might as well get a few sequins bythe exchange, and make my appearance before the pacha, with one or twoof the heads of the janissaries, who were lying close to me. Itherefore divested myself of whatever might give the idea of mybelonging to the corps, took off the heads and rifled the pockets ofthree janissaries, and was about to depart, when I thought of myhonoured father, and turned back to take a last farewell. It was cruelto part with a parent, and I could not make up my mind to part with himaltogether, so I added his head, and the contents of his sash, to thoseof the other three, and smearing my face and person with blood, with myscimitar in my hand, and the four heads tied up in a bundle, made my wayfor the pacha's stronghold; but the skirmishing was still going onoutside of the walls, and I narrowly escaped a corps of janissaries, whowould have recognised me. As it was, two of them followed me as I madefor the gate of the fortress; and, encumbered as I was, I was forced toturn at bay. No man fights better than he who finds himself hardpressed; and even a man who otherwise would not fight at all, will fightwell, when he can't help it. I never was so brave in my life. I cutdown one, and the other ran away, and this in the presence of the pacha,who was seated on the embrasure at the top of the wall; and thus Igained my entrance into the fort. I hastened to the pacha's presence,and laid at his feet the four heads. The pacha was so pleased at myextraordinary valour, that he threw me a purse of five hundred pieces ofgold, and ordered me to be promoted, asking me to what division of histroops I belonged. I replied, that I was a volunteer. I was made anofficer; and thus did I find myself a rich man and a man of consequenceby merely changing sides.
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"That's not quite so uncommon a method of getting on in the world as youmay imagine," observed Mustapha, drily.
"Mustapha," said the pacha, almost gasping, "all these are words, wind--bosh. By the fountains that play round the throne of Mahomet, but mythroat feels as hot and as dry with this fellow's doubts, as if it werepaved with live cinders. I doubt whether we shall be able ever tomoisten it again."
"That doubt your sublimity ought to resolve immediately. Hudusi,Murakhas--my friend, you are dismissed."
Hardly had the doubter gathered up his slippers, and backed out from thepresence, when the pacha and his minister were, with an honest rivalry,endeavouring to remove at once their doubts and their thirst; and wereso successful in their attempts, that they, in a short time, exchangedtheir state of dubiety into a very happy one of ebriety.
END OF THE SECOND VOLUME.
The Pacha of Many Tales Page 15
