Close to Me

by Monica Murphy

  The moment they set that crown on my head and place the flowers in my arms, I know it’s all been worth it.

  Within minutes of us being hustled onto the stage, we’re ushered backstage just as quick, and I’m bouncing up and down in my too-tight heels, my hand resting on my head, tracing the edge of the tiara. Ash is watching me, amusement lighting his eyes, his homecoming royalty sash hanging from his chest crookedly. Unable to help myself, I reach out and straighten it, my fingers brushing against his shirt, and I can feel the warmth emanating from his skin, even through the fabric.

  “Are you actually helping me out, Callahan?” He sounds surprised yet pleased.

  “It was crooked.” I shrug. “And hey, we won!”

  “I know.” He leans back against the wall, his arms crossed, a satisfied smile on his face. “I knew I’d win.”

  “You did not.” I shove at his shoulder, which is like pushing a brick wall. He might only be fifteen, but he’s solid.

  “I definitely knew you’d win.” His voice goes serious. “Everyone loves you.”

  “Not true.” I can think of at least five people who don’t like me, but I don’t want to list them. “But I guess just enough people do, because we got the votes.”

  “It was the sack race,” he tells me, and we go back and forth like this for the rest of the time we’re waiting backstage, until we’re called out one last time when the coronation ends. I’m immediately swarmed by my family, my mom and aunt fighting to hug me first, my dad telling me he’s proud of me like I won the big game, and my Uncle Owen giving me knuckles like he’s always done since I was about three.

  It feels good, to have everyone I love surrounding me, telling me how happy they are for me, taking photos with me. My friends gather around and we all pose for endless photos, including me and Kaya, then me and Daphne, then all three of us together. Kaya’s mom gives me a big hug and tells me she misses me, and I reassure her I’m definitely coming over to stay over after the homecoming dance on Saturday night.

  Eventually, they all start asking for photos of Ash and me together, and we pose for a few for my parents, for my friends, for the yearbook staff yet again. Our arms are around each other loosely, as if we’re afraid to touch each other too close, and I prefer the distance. Especially when I spot Ben making his way toward us, clutching a single red rose in his hand.

  “For you,” Ben says once he’s standing in front of us. Ash releases his hold on me, and I’m suddenly in Ben’s arms as he pulls me in for a hug. He feels safe, he smells good too, and when I withdraw, he thrusts the rose in between us and I take it, sniffing the delicate flower. “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you,” I murmur, smiling up at him. No boy has given me flowers before.

  “I can’t believe you won,” Ben says. “You looked pretty up there.” His cheeks turn pink with the admission, and I can’t help but be charmed.

  I swear I hear Ash mutter something rude under his breath.

  “Thank you,” I say again, because I don’t know what else to say, especially with Ash standing behind us. Listening in, most likely.

  “Honey,” Mom calls to me from where she’s standing, chatting with Kaya’s mom. “You almost ready to go?”

  “Yeah. Give me another minute,” I tell her before I return my attention to Ben. He’s not even looking at my dad, who’s standing next to Mom, and that’s a first for me too. Every boy I know at school stares at my father with reverence.

  But Ben only has eyes for me.

  “You’re going to the dance Saturday, right?” he asks me.

  I nod, barely able to contain my smile. “Are you?”

  “Yeah.” He’s smiling too. “Save a dance for me, okay?”

  “I will!” I say too eagerly, waving at him before he walks away. Yet I don’t care if I looked like an idiot just now. I’m on too much of a high to bother with playing it cool. Though I wish he would’ve asked me to be his actual date for the dance.

  Once Ben’s gone, I turn to find Ash is standing there by himself, looking kind of lost. I glance around, curious to know what his mom might look like, but I’m starting to think…

  “Is no one here for you?” I ask him.

  He shrugs, shoving his hands in his front pockets and looking down at the ground. “My mom couldn’t make it.”

  “Oh.” And I already know his dad isn’t here anymore. “How are you getting home?”

  “I’ve got a ride.” He flicks his head in the direction of a couple of guys I don’t know personally, but I’m pretty sure they’re seniors. They have that hardened look to them, the one that tells you they most likely do drugs and cause trouble. I don’t know why I think that, but I do, and I wonder if that’s what Ash is going to turn into someday.

  Maybe.

  But maybe I’m also being totally judgmental.

  “Ben was right. You looked good up there tonight, Callahan,” Ash says sincerely.

  My heart tightens in my chest. “Thanks,” I say, my voice squeaky. “You did too.”

  He glances down at himself. “I clean up okay, I guess.”

  “You do,” I agree, happy to make him smile. My heart starts thumping and I realize Ash’s compliment made me happier than Ben’s.

  And I don’t know how to feel about that.

  Eight

  “Here’s your ride.” Of course it’s Mr. Curtin who’s showing Ash and I what car we’re in for Friday’s homecoming parade. The parade is short—it only lasts about thirty minutes and goes for a mile or two. But it’s so much fun with the homecoming court riding in classic cars and the band playing, the cheer team marching—I’m not joining them this year—and the football team walking and shouting along the parade route, getting the crowd pumped up. Teachers and office staff decorate golf carts and throw candy at the spectators, plus each class decorates a float.

  Ash and I, along with the rest of the homecoming royalty and remaining senior nominees, get to ride in each of their own cars. Meaning we get our own car. We’re in the backseat. Just the two of us.

  Alone.

  Together.

  Well, the driver is accompanying us, a nice older gentleman who offers us a kind smile as he opens the back door, introducing himself as Lou as we climb into the car.

  I’m in my cheer uniform because we have to perform at the rally after the parade, plus I’ve got on my tiara and sash. My hair is a little out there, with braids and white ribbon that the entire cheer team is wearing too, and I have face paint on my cheeks. I’m sure I look silly, nothing like I did on Wednesday night, though Ash isn’t dressed up either. He’s wearing his football jersey and jeans, his dark hair a complete mess, and the royalty sash hangs from him as if it’s going to drop off his body at any second.

  “Ladies first,” Ash says as he waves a hand at me to enter the car before him. I’m reluctant to go, since I’m wearing my uniform and the skirt is short, like it’s supposed to be, and I don’t want Ash to stare at my butt.

  Can’t prevent it, though, so I get into the car, keeping hold of my skirt the entire time so I don’t flash him.

  Ash climbs in after me, Lou shuts the door, and then we play the waiting game, all the cars and floats and everyone else lined up for the parade as they get ready for us to start moving at ten o’clock on the dot.

  We remain quiet for so long, it becomes awkward. Lou ignores us, fiddling with the car radio until he finds an oldies station and turns up the volume. I’m assuming it’s sixties music, and it’s kind of awful, not what I like at all, but I remain quiet, glancing out the window and willing the time away.

  This moment is supposed to be fun, a high school experience I’ll never forget, and instead I’m wishing it was already over.

  What’s wrong with me?

  Deciding I’m going to be the one who breaks first, I finally have to say something to Ash so we can make conversation. “Nervous about tonight’s game?”

  He shakes his head, keeping his face averted as he continues to stare out his
window. “Nah. We’re on a streak right now.”

  The JV team is having a better season than the varsity team, and I’ve heard a lot of that is credited to Ash. He has a great arm, according to my father. And an accurate throw. Dad can’t wait to get him on the varsity team next season. It’s weird, knowing how impressed my father is with Ash, when I’m not that impressed with him myself.

  Liar.

  “Feeling pretty confident you’ll win then?” I ask.

  “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but…” He finally turns to look at me, his mouth stretched into that familiar cocky smile. “Yeah.”

  I smile in return, unable to help myself. “Wait until you play on the varsity team next year.”

  “I can’t wait. A lot of us are excited to move up so we can work more with your dad,” Ash says.

  My smile fades. I wonder if that’s why Ash is nice to me sometimes. Because of my dad. I’ve heard a lot of the boys in my class are actually afraid to talk to me because of him, and that kind of sucks. The only boy I really want talking to me is Ben, and he doesn’t seemed fazed by my father whatsoever.

  So that’s kind of nice.

  “Listen, I’m not looking to get a pussy shot like the rest of those assholes were last year,” Ash says, earning a hard stare from Lou in the rearview mirror. Ash, as per usual, completely ignores him, while I’m slowly dying of mortification. “I’m not talking you up so I can get closer to your superstar pops.”

  No one has ever referred to Drew Callahan as my superstar pops before. “My dad would probably smack you upside the head for calling him that.”

  “Your dad has smacked me upside the head for saying something much worse,” Ash says, making me laugh.

  “I’m sure he has,” I say.

  He sobers up fast. “You know I’m not using you to get closer to your dad, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  How did he know that was on my mind? I don’t like how perceptive he is. “I didn’t think that.”

  “Sure you didn’t, Callahan,” he says slowly.

  “Seriously.”

  “Seriously.” He mimics me, repeating the word with his voice high pitched, and I really hate that.

  I reach out, ready to punch him, but he’s quicker than me, grabbing my wrist and stopping me before my fist makes contact with his upper arm. “Let me go,” I tell him through clenched teeth.

  He only tightens his grip on my wrist. “None of this has to do with your dad.”

  “None of what?” I jerk against his hold, but he still doesn’t let go.

  “What’s going on between us.”

  “Nothing’s going on between us.” I sound way too sure of myself.

  He lets go of me, and I immediately miss his touch, which is so stupid, I want to slap myself. “You go ahead and keep telling yourself that.”

  I gape at him, trying to come up with something to say, and at that exact moment, Lou puts the car into gear and it lurches forward, my body toppling over as if I have no control over myself. Again with the quick reflexes, Ash grabs me before I face plant against the back of the bench seat, his hands gripping my upper arms as he carefully settles me onto our seat once more.

  “Thanks,” I mumble, annoyed that he just came to my rescue.

  “Gotta be careful,” he warns, but I ignore him. Instead, I turn toward the open window, smiling when I spot people I know from school standing on the side of the road. They see me too and start waving, and I wave back, laughing when they shout my name.

  It’s like this for the entire parade, both of us preoccupied with waving out our respective windows, our hands braced on the empty spot between us, our fingers brushing against each other’s for the entire two-mile drive. Ash eventually curls his pinky finger around mine and I don’t pull away. I hardly move for fear he’ll shift his hand away from mine completely. It’s the stupidest thing ever, but I don’t want to lose the connection, no matter how miniscule it is.

  Seems like he doesn’t want to lose it either.

  No one dresses up for our homecoming dance, thank God, so the pressure is off tonight. I show up at the dance with Kaya, Daphne, and a few other friends, since we all got ready at Kaya’s house together. I’m tempted, but I end up telling no one about my encounter with Ash in the car, though I don’t even know how I’d describe it. That we held pinky fingers like a couple of kindergarteners? That once we climbed out of the car, we never spoke again for the rest of the day or night? Even when we walked out onto the football field together with the rest of the homecoming court during halftime? It was weird, how we remained silent the entire time.

  I don’t understand what’s happening between us, so I can’t really tell anyone else about it either. It’s my little secret.

  Our little secret.

  We’re thirty minutes late to the dance, but that’s okay since things really don’t get started until the dance is about an hour in. Jaden’s waiting for Kaya when we arrive, so he sweeps her away and I know I won’t see her until we ride home together.

  The rest of us go out on the dance floor and jump around to the beat of a popular song, singing along with the lyrics as loud as we can, making asses of ourselves. Daphne and I hold hands and dance around in a circle, laughing and screaming at the top of our lungs. The seniors send us withering stares and the freshmen jump right along with us, and while I’m excited to be a junior next year so I won’t be treated like such a little kid any longer, I know I can let loose and be silly tonight and not really care about anyone judging me.

  I am, after all, the homecoming princess of the sophomore class, right? I have to use that for as long as I can, because I’m thinking my expiration card is happening by the end of this dance.

  Ben magically appears, and I’m so glad to see him. Within seconds he’s dancing with our group, smiling at me as he shakes his hair out of his eyes. I let him monopolize me, because he’s the reason I’m here tonight. He asked me to save a dance for him, and I want to save all of my dances for him. I’ve had a crush on him for so long, and finally, finally he seems to be just as into me as I’m into him.

  It feels good, to have his attention. He grabs me a bottle of water and stays with me when we decide to sit out for a few songs. His friends come around and they join us, and soon we’re all talking and laughing and having a good time. My friends are sitting with us too, and eventually so are Kaya and Jaden, which is a pleasant surprise. I feel good, sitting among my friends, laughing at someone’s dumb joke, Kaya collapsing onto my side when Jaden says something that strikes her funny.

  That’s what I want, I think as I watch her and Jaden. I want a relationship like that, where they can joke and laugh and hug and sneak away so they can kiss for a while. They’re like friends, but better. They sort of remind me of my parents, though I know they’re probably nothing like them, considering we’re only fifteen and I can already hear Mom saying you won’t find your true love at such a young age.

  But what does she know?

  We’re still all grouped together, the dancing long forgotten, when I finally spot Ash enter the building, sauntering in as if he owns the place. I know he doesn’t see me, I’m so completely surrounded by people, which means I can totally spy on him without his noticing me.

  He glances around, like he’s looking for someone, and there’s no way he’s looking for me. That’s just me being a complete egomaniac.

  The moment he finds me, it’s like I can feel his gaze. It settles over me, heavy and brooding, and when I glance up, he’s got that exact look on his face.

  Heavy and brooding.

  He’s not bright and sunny like Ben. He’s dark and foreboding, like a stormy night.

  Yet here I am. Drawn to the darkness when I should be seeking the light.

  “Hey.” I settle my hand on Ben’s knee and he turns to look at me, seemingly shocked by my touching him so freely. “I’ll be right back.” I stand up and stretch my arms above my head, fighting the nervous tussling in my stomach.


  He glances up at me with a frown. “Everything okay?”

  “I’m good,” I reassure him. Reassure myself. “Just want to go say hi to someone real quick.”

  Ben reaches out and squeezes my hand, and I study our linked fingers. I wait for the tingles, for the warm, fuzzy feeling to envelop me.

  It doesn’t happen.

  I pull away from Ben and push my way out of the crowd, then walk across the room, heading straight for Ash. He’s leaning against the wall, chatting with those same guys he rode home with on coronation night, and I walk right up to him, reminding myself I need to be bold.

  Ask for what I want.

  “Can I talk to you?”

  That’s how I approach him, and I know he’s surprised. He looks me up and down slowly, as if he’s undressing me with his eyes, which I always thought was a totally gross saying, but no. It’s true. That’s exactly how he’s examining me, and my skin is growing warmer the more his gaze lingers on particular spots.

  There’s the warm and fuzzy feelings. The tingling. It only happens when I’m with Asher Davis.

  “No hey, how you doing, huh, Callahan? You’re just ready to get down to it?” His tone is amused, yet…

  He manages to make what what’s happening between us sound dirty, and maybe that’s because I’m thinking vaguely dirty things, I don’t know.

  “Please?” I don’t want to beg, but he needs to know I’m serious about this. I really, really need to talk to him. Or…whatever with him.

  “Come on.” He pushes away from the wall and I follow after him, my gaze drinking him in just like he did to me only moments ago. He’s wearing a black T-shirt and a pair of jeans, nothing special about his outfit whatsoever, but he somehow makes it look extra good. The T-shirt is kind of tight, so it stretches across his chest and back, and the jeans mold to his legs and butt perfectly.

  As in, he has a perfect butt.

  Oh my God, I feel like a complete perv.

  I follow him through an open door, down a short hallway, until we’re tucked away into an alcove that I didn’t even know existed. Of course Ash knows about this place. He probably brings girls here all the time so they can make out—