Now, at least a couple of times a month, I sell Mom’s prescription pills to my friends at school. I make good money doing it, even though it’s a risk. If I get caught, they’ll kick me out. My life will be fucked.
It’s fucked already, so most of the time it’s worth the risk. Besides, Mom doesn’t even miss them. She has so many painkiller prescriptions, I don’t think she notices when I swipe a few pills here and there.
“You don’t care about me.” Her words are slurred, and I wonder how much she’s had to drink tonight. How many pills did she pop? “None of you care about me.”
I stare at her, squinting into the darkness. She’s lying on the couch, an old, threadbare blanket covering her thin body, her dark hair piled on top of her head in a sloppy bun. When I was younger, I remember thinking she was beautiful. Don’t all boys believe their mama is the most beautiful woman in the world? I loved her, even when she pushed me away, griping that I wrinkled her clothes or messed up her makeup when I gave her a kiss on the cheek. All I wanted was her approval. Her love. I had Dad’s love, but hers was always just out of my grasp.
She pushed me away so many times over the years, both literally and figuratively, that I eventually stopped trying.
Stopped caring.
I love her, but it’s not the same. It’s a guilty love. An obligation. She’s my mother.
But she’s not a good one. I realized that a long time ago.
“You didn’t even bring me a sandwich?” she whines.
Without a word I exit the living room and head for my bedroom. She’s complaining, her voice rising, following me down the hall, and I want to remind her that she doesn’t want to wake Don up, but I keep my mouth shut. Just as carefully as I open my bedroom door, I close it, then grab the chair that sits at my old desk and slip it beneath the doorknob.
I don’t want Don busting in here, or Mom. It’s the only way I feel safe.
Setting my backpack on the desk, I unzip it and pull out the binder that holds all my classwork. It’s big and already a mess, though we’ve been in school not even two months. I have homework I need to finish, and a test to study for. I may be a fuck-up who sells prescription pills on the side and sometimes drinks too much, who messes around with too many girls and acts like an asshole, but I care about my grades.
Maybe, if I’m lucky, my football skills and my grade point average will be my ticket out of the hellhole that’s my life.
I collapse on top of my bed with my homework, determined to focus, but my mind drifts. I think about Autumn.
When do I not think about Autumn?
She is gorgeous. Sexy as fuck. A little mean. A lot sweet. She hates me, and I antagonize her whenever I’m near her, which only makes it worse. I don’t know why she can’t admit that she likes me. I lay it all on the line for her, and she turns me away every single time.
I’m also the one who says something stupid when I’ve got her in my arms, making her run away. Am I afraid when we get too close? Is that my problem? She’s on a whole different level compared to me. She’s rich and beautiful. She can have anything she wants.
No way would she want me. I’m broke. Broken, really. Bad. Her dad is a good coach. He’s worked with me one on one, given me plenty of attention and pointers and lectures, and all of it seems to come from a good place. I don’t feel like he wants something more from me. He just wants to help.
It’s weird, someone giving you something and not expecting anything in return. I’m used to takers. Mom’s a taker. So is her asshole boyfriend. So are all my stupid friends. I tried to make nice with coach’s son Jake, but that guy just glares at me like I’m his worst enemy and he wishes I’d go drown myself in the lake.
So I leave him alone.
I should leave his sister alone too. There’s something between us, but it would never last long. It would definitely burn bright and hot, but then I’d say or do something and ruin it all. Autumn Callahan is not for me.
I need to remember that.
We were a perfect match,
But sadly, matches burn.
(unknown)
Senior Year
Fifteen
Autumn
“For once in my life, I feel so grown up, you know? Like I’m an actual, real-life adult.” I turn to look at my best friend, who’s frowning at me like I’ve lost my mind. Kaya and I are walking through the senior parking lot, heading toward my car. We’ve been back at school for around a month, and now that we’re seniors, we can go off campus for lunch. Which we do on an almost daily basis. This newfound freedom is exhilarating.
I can’t wait until I leave for college. Talk about freedom.
“You feel grown up because you broke Ben’s heart?” Kaya asks incredulously.
I restrain myself from rolling my eyes or worse, saying something I might regret. She’s still Team Ben, and while I appreciate her feelings about Ben and that she likes him so much, I would love it if she were actually more loyal to me. “We can’t all have perfect relationships like you and Jaden.”
She scoffs. “Please. Jaden and I aren’t perfect.”
“You two are the epitome of the ideal high school relationship.”
“Ugh, that’s so obnoxious, right?” Kaya sends me a look. “I feel obnoxious, at least. I know we annoy people.”
“When you’ve been the it couple your entire high school life, yeah, it’s a little obnoxious,” I say teasingly. I hit the keyless remote and my Jeep doors unlock. I didn’t want to be that girl at school with the rich parents who buy her whatever car she wants, but I can’t help it that my parents surprised me with my dream car over the summer. Before they gave me the Jeep Wrangler, I’d been driving my mom’s old Lexus. And when I say old, I mean it was like a 2017, so it was practically brand new.
It was such a mom car, though. They traded it in for the Jeep, and I about screamed my head off when they surprised me with it right after the Fourth of July. I treat the Jeep like it’s my baby and my friends make fun of me, but I don’t care.
I know I’m spoiled. My brothers and sister are too. But our parents also make us work for our privileges. And I’m not talking about an actual job either. They want us to concentrate on school. Our grades slip, and phones are taken away. Or cars. Jake turns sixteen next year and then they’ll have two drivers. Jake is so reckless, I don’t know if they want him behind the wheel.
Jake is also super popular. More popular than I am, that’s for sure. He’s the star of the junior varsity football team. Everyone seems to like him—teachers and students alike. Even some of my more casual girlfriends want to be friends with Jake—or they want to be with him.
That’s just weird.
Kaya and I climb into my Jeep, and I start the engine, carefully pulling out of the parking lot. There are eyes everywhere, and I’m talking about school administration. They make sure we don’t speed out of the parking lot or drive over curbs. People in the community will call the school and report teenage drivers whenever they see someone speeding or driving like a total ass.
Sometimes, it feels like you can’t get away with anything in a small town.
“I kept talking about me and Jaden when I didn’t mean to,” Kaya says as I pull onto the street. We’re headed for our favorite sandwich shop in town, and we’re going to meet Daphne there. “Tell me why you feel like such a grown up.”
“Well.” I clutch the steering wheel, keeping my eyes on the road. “It’s because I made the very grown-up decision of breaking up with Ben before things got too deep.”
“What do you mean? I thought you guys were in pretty deep with each other, if you know what I mean.” Kaya waggles her brows.
Honestly? It wasn’t that deep. Our relationship bored me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a decent guy, he was a good boyfriend, he never did anything wrong. But there was no real spark between us. No fire, no passion. I always thought of Ben as a great friend who I could make out with, and I realized over the summer, that’s not enough.
I
want more. Maybe I can’t find that here, so hopefully I’ll find it in college.
“We never had sex,” I confess to Kaya.
“Say what? Are you kidding me?” She’s squealing, so loudly she’s making me wince. “I thought you two already had!”
“Nope.” I shake my head. Oh, we touched each other when we kissed, but all of it was hands-over-clothes type touching. Nothing too scandalous. “He never really tried to—pursue it.”
“Pursue what?”
“Sex, Kaya.” This time I do roll my eyes as I make a right on the street the sandwich shop is on. “He never really tried to take it to the next level.”
“Really? Huh.” Kaya seems surprised.
I don’t know why. I’ve given her plenty of information about my relationship with Ben. The writing’s been on the wall for a long time—we’re not meant to be. We’re better off as friends. I know that sounds like a total cliché and a line of bullshit, but it’s true. And though Ben was disappointed and made a halfhearted attempt at asking me if we could try to make it work, we ended up both agreeing we’re better off as friends.
Which is cool, you know? I’d rather be his friend than have him be a mortal enemy. I do care about him. A lot. I just know that we didn’t work as boyfriend and girlfriend.
Hopefully he feels the same way.
I’ve been free since late June, when we split, and I haven’t really tried to get with anyone else. It’s been kind of nice, not having to deal with a boyfriend. Kaya has no idea what that’s like, since she and Jaden have been together for years.
Years.
That’s just crazy.
I park my Jeep and we enter the crowded restaurant, spotting Daphne who’s already waiting in line. There’s a few other seniors but it’s mostly filled with business people, since it’s prime lunch hour. Daphne, Kaya and I order our sandwiches and then find a tiny table to wait for our numbers to be called.
“Why didn’t you try to pursue it?” she asks.
I frown. “What are you talking about?”
Daphne’s frowning as well, since she’s walking into this mid-conversation. “Yeah, what are you talking about?”
Kaya glances over at Daphne. “Ben and Autumn never had sex.”
Daphne’s eyes practically bug out of her head. “Are you serious right now?”
“Why is this such a big deal?” I shrug. “So we didn’t have sex. So what?”
“You guys were together a long time,” Daphne points out.
“And why didn’t you try to pursue having sex with Ben? You can make the first move too, you know.”
“Maybe I didn’t want to?” I wince. “Is that bad?”
“I mean, kind of. Daphne’s right. You two were together for like a year. Did you not like him that way?” Kaya seems genuinely perplexed.
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “It’s hard to explain. He was like my—cuddly friend. The guy I could kiss and hang out with and who was always there for me, but did I want to jump his bones and fuck around at all hours of the day and night with him? No. He never made me feel that way,” I explain.
It feels good to admit that. I wondered if something was wrong with me. Ben really is a great guy. He’s nice, he gets along with everyone, he’s cute, he’s smart. I should be totally in to him, but I’m not.
I could blame it on a certain someone, but that’s like using the certain someone as an excuse, and I don’t want to do that.
“There’s nothing wrong with having a cuddly friend,” Daphne says brightly, and I know she’s trying to make me feel better.
Kaya sends her a look. “It’s kind of weird.”
“I don’t think I was really in love with him,” I confess, making both of them turn and gape at me.
“I can’t believe you never told us that before,” Kaya says just as they call her order number.
“There are a lot of things I’ve never confessed to you before,” I say under my breath as all three of us get up and approach the pickup counter. My number is called immediately after hers, with Daphne’s called after mine.
“What do you mean, there are lots of things you’ve never confessed before?” Kaya asks once we’ve resumed our spots at the table.
Oops. I didn’t think she heard me. “I was kidding.” I start eating my sandwich, but Kaya just stares at me, as does Daphne. “What?”
“You’re keeping secrets.” Kaya’s eyes dance and she starts wiggling in her chair. “Come on, tell us.”
“I just said that to be funny.” I take another bite of my sandwich. Maybe if I keep my mouth full, I won’t confess my sins.
“Bullshit.” Daphne takes a sip of her drink, Kaya laughing. “Spill it. You know you want to tell us.”
Should I tell them about Ash? They’ll probably freak. We kept the promise we made to each other last year. He didn’t talk to me, and I didn’t talk to him. For the remainder of our junior year, we were able to avoid each other completely. Just like we did the year before that, after homecoming. It was easy, for the most part, since we didn’t have many opportunities on campus to run into each other.
But sometimes after school we’d pass by each other in the parking lot, one of us always looking the other way real quick.
Usually me.
At prom, I was headed for the bathroom just as he exited the men’s room. He stopped short when he first spotted me, his gaze sweeping over me, lingering on my dress, leaving me warm. I can admit I looked damn good that night, and while Ben said all the right things, telling me how beautiful I was, his words didn’t come close to what Ash made me feel.
Just with a look.
Looking back, it was that night when I knew it could never work between me and Ben. It took me a little while to work up the courage to end things, and while I missed him at first, I can truly say I’m glad we aren’t together anymore. I’d rather be alone than in a relationship that isn’t that great.
So far I haven’t seen much of Ash this school year. I don’t run into him in the parking lot at all, since he’s at football practice four days a week plus the games on Friday. I see him out on the field on Friday nights, but he’s just a guy with a helmet on. Not like I can actually see him, see him. He’s still the star quarterback, and my brother is thrilled he’s graduating this year so he can take Ash’s place next year. Dad talks about him over the dinner table sometimes, though I’m able to mostly tune it out. I don’t need to hear about Ash’s amazing arm or how he has no fear and will actually run the ball when he can’t find someone to throw it to.
Well, maybe I am absorbing what Dad is saying, though I’m trying my best to forget about it. Forget about Ash.
“You are being way too quiet for way too long,” Daphne says, interrupting my thoughts. “This has to be huge. You’re crushing on someone else?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“You did it with another guy and Ben has no clue,” Kaya guesses.
“Kaya!” My cheeks burn hot and Kaya’s eyes widen before she starts elbowing Daphne in the ribs.
“Oh my God! You did! You so did!” She’s pointing at me, her voice rising, and I shush her, sending her a severe look.
“Be quiet.” I lean across the table. “I don’t want the entire restaurant to hear you.”
Daphne glances around the room before turning to look at us once more. “I don’t think they’re paying any attention to us.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Kaya takes a bite of her sandwich and so do I, though my nervous stomach is sending me major signals that is a big mistake. “So what exactly happened?”
Hesitantly, I launch into the entire Ash and me saga. What happened our sophomore year during the homecoming fiasco, and how I thought we had a chance, only for him to reject me. Last year when we kissed in his truck, and then he came to my house, the weekend Ben was gone. How rude Ash was to me that night at the team dinner and that’s when we decided we needed to avoid each other. How we shook on it.
“And you’ve never talked to him
again?” Kaya asks when I finish.
“Nope.” I shake my head. “We leave each other alone.”
“How did you keep this a secret from us?” Kaya shakes her head. “I can’t believe you never told us.”
“Are you mad?” I don’t want them upset with me, but how could I explain my feelings for Ash when I didn’t understand them myself?
“Not really,” Kaya says. “I guess I understand.”
“I’m not mad,” Daphne says. “But you should know Ash is going out with Rylie Altman now.”
My stomach drops, like I’m on a twisty roller coaster. “He is?”
Daphne nods. “They just made it official like a few weeks ago.”
Rylie Altman is a star volleyball player. She’s a year younger than us, tall and lean and super cute, with great style. Blonde hair and golden eyes, nice to everyone. She’s popular. I’ve never heard anyone say a bad thing about her.
I don’t personally know her, but she’s always been polite to me, and I’ve been polite to her in return. Now, I sort of want to pull her hair out. Which makes me a petty human being.
“You and Ash never did anything else beyond kissing, did you?” Kaya raises her eyebrows.
“No.” I shake my head. Though if he would’ve pushed, I probably would’ve caved in. Actually, I’m sure I would’ve. Every time we were together, he made me burn. “Just kissing. Nothing else. And that’s bad enough, considering the last time we kissed, I was still with Ben.”
“And we had no idea.” Daphne reaches over and swats my arm, making me yelp. “You’re a big ol’ sneak.”
“I was embarrassed.” More than anything, I didn’t want it to get out. I didn’t want them to judge me. I didn’t want the entire school to judge me, really. Not that I think Kaya and Daphne would’ve blabbed and spread my secret, but you just…
Close to Me Page 11
