Close to Me

by Monica Murphy

  “I can buy some,” he says. “Or I can go to my apartment and grab some out of my room. Pretty sure I have a few in there somewhere.”

  I frown. No way do I ever want to go back there. “That’s too risky.”

  “I thought you like it risky.” He pulls me in tight and drops a kiss on my lips. So quick, it’s almost like it didn’t happen.

  Curling my fingers into his shirt, I pull him in for another kiss, this one deeper, longer. He breaks away first, breathing heavily, his gaze hooded as he studies me. “How’s that for risky?” I ask him.

  His lips curve. “I’m guessing your parents will shit if they knew we were doing this.”

  “With you living under our roof? Definitely.” My dad would kill him if he knew what Ash and I have been up to. In the hot tub. In my room.

  My entire body prickles with awareness just thinking about it.

  “Let’s meet tonight,” he whispers, his gaze lifting to scan the yard before he kisses me again. “Come to my room.”

  “We probably shouldn’t go shopping together,” I say with a little frown, though I want to. “It’s probably best if we lay low.”

  “You sure it’s not because you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, Callahan?” He’s joking, I can tell by the tone of his voice, but when I look into his eyes, I see the vulnerability there. The unease.

  Does he really believe that?

  “I would be proud to tell the whole world that we’re together,” I say, my voice firm, my hands holding his face again. Such a pretty face. And it’s all mine. “But with my parents, and your mom, and Rylie, I think we’re better off keeping it quiet. Just for a little while.”

  “Yeah. Okay. You’re right.” He nods, then kisses me yet again. “Meet tonight at eleven?”

  “Make it midnight,” I suggest, and when he frowns, I continue. “The entire household stays up later on Saturday. It’s safer.”

  Ash licks his lips. “Hope I can wait that long.” He grabs hold of my hand and settles it right on his lap, where I can feel his burgeoning erection. “I want you already. All the time.”

  My cheeks go hot and I give him a squeeze, then snatch my hand away. “You’ll have to wait.”

  “You’re a tease.”

  “You’ve already called me that.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m calling you a tease again.” More kissing. More hugging, until I finally disentangle myself from him and stand. “Leaving already?”

  “I’ll see you later. I have laundry to finish,” I tell him as I start to walk away.

  “Your rich-ass parents make you do your laundry? Why don’t you have a maid?” Ash calls after me.

  “My parents want to instill good habits in their children,” I yell back, laughing, as I start to run toward the back door. I feel so good, so light, so happy. It’s all going to work out between Ash and me.

  It has to.

  Twenty-Nine

  Our midnight meeting wasn’t going to happen after all. Kaya had a moment of crisis—she and Jaden were arguing—and she texted me when I was up in my room finishing sorting my laundry. Without thought, I invited her over to hang out so we could talk about it. She’s my best friend, I had to be there for her, and I know she’d do the same for me. When she asked if she could spend the night, I couldn’t tell her no.

  When I tell Mom that Kaya’s coming over to stay the night, she gives me a stern look. “Will she be able to keep it quiet that Ash is here?”

  I found her in her room, making the bed, which is weird because she usually does that first thing in the morning. I think it’s funny how Ash believes we should have a maid. We are normal people with a lot of money. Why wouldn’t we make our own beds and do our own laundry? But Mom does have a housekeeper come in once a month and do a thorough clean, which she says is worth every penny.

  “Autumn?” Mom says when I haven’t answered her. “Will she?”

  My mood deflates like a busted balloon. “Are we still keeping that a secret?” I hate all the secrets. They’re starting to get to me.

  “Only until Monday. Once we get everything squared away, it won’t really matter if people know Ash is staying here or not,” she explains.

  “She’ll keep it quiet. Kaya’s a good secret keeper.” So why haven’t I told her about me and Ash yet?

  Maybe I should.

  I go in search of Ash once I’m done talking to Mom and find him hanging out in his room, sprawled across the unmade bed. I lean against the doorway and watch him as he messes around on his phone, sending one text message after the other in rapid fire succession.

  “Who are you talking to?” I ask, startling him so bad, his phone drops out of his hands.

  “Shit, Autumn!” I swear he only says my actual name when he’s upset with me. “Why you gotta sneak up on me like that?”

  “I’m sorry.” I push away from the doorframe and enter the bedroom, lifting my leg to nudge his bare foot hanging over the mattress with my own. “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “My mom.” He grabs his phone and sets it face down on the bed on the other side of him, closest to the wall. Like he doesn’t want me to see it. “She really wants me to come back.”

  “Tell her no.”

  “It’s not that easy.” He crawls off the bed and comes to me, slipping his arms around my waist. “Couldn’t wait any longer, huh? It’s a long ways to midnight.”

  “I wanted to talk to you about that.” I pull out of his grip and wander around his room, having a difficult time facing him when I’m about to deliver this news. “Kaya’s coming over right now.”

  “Yeah?”

  “She’s going to spend the night.” I glance over my shoulder to see Ash’s thunderous expression. “She’s having problems with Jaden and needs my support.”

  “Okay. Cool.” He nods once, and I can tell by the tightness in his jaw that he’s mad. “Hope you girls have fun.”

  I go to him, my heart racing. “Are you angry?”

  “I thought we had plans.”

  “I’m sorry.” And I really am. I was so looking forward to those plans. “Kaya was crying when she FaceTimed me, and she never cries. I couldn’t say no. She’ll be here in a few.” I grab hold of his hands and intertwine our fingers. “We can get together tomorrow night.”

  “Sure.” He won’t look at me, and a muscle flexes in his jaw. “Tomorrow night. Let’s do it.”

  “Ash. Come on.” I squeeze his hands. “Don’t be like this.”

  “I was really hoping for some alone time with you tonight,” he says, his voice dropping to a gravelly whisper. “I need you.”

  My heart pangs. He’s been through a lot. I know this. “Maybe after Kaya falls asleep I’ll come see you,” I suggest.

  “You will?” he asks hopefully.

  “I’ll try.”

  “Okay. Try real hard.” He kisses me. Yanks me closer, and I go willingly. He feels so good. I can’t get enough of him, and clearly he can’t get enough of me either.

  “I have to go. She’ll be here soon.”

  “Go. Go see your friend.” He releases me so fast I practically stumble out of his arms. “See you later.”

  His dismissive tone hurts. More than I want to admit. I slink out of his room, but he doesn’t even notice.

  He’s too busy typing away on his phone.

  “…I think we’re going to be okay. In fact, I know we’re going to be okay. I’m just overreacting as usual,” Kaya says, and I nod. Offer her a wan smile. She frowns in return, tilting her head to the side, studying me. “Are you okay?”

  I just sat with Kaya on my bed for the last fifteen minutes and listened to her drone on and on about Jaden. I care about her, I really do, but her problems with Jaden seem almost…trivial. And I know it’s mean of me to think like that, but I can’t help it. He didn’t want to get together with her this weekend, that’s what the problem is. He told her he’d rather lie in bed and watch Netflix. Claimed he was tired after last night’s game, which I get, but
Kaya wasn’t having it.

  “I’m fine.” I offer up another one of those wan smiles and Kaya shakes her head, pointing her finger at me.

  “You’re a liar. What’s going on?”

  I warned her earlier that Ash was staying at my house and she claimed she already knew about it, so I was worried about nothing I guess. I thought Ash might even come out and greet Kaya when she arrived, but he remained in his room when I knew he could hear me and Kaya talking.

  It’s like our conversation earlier meant nothing to him. All because I couldn’t meet up with him tonight? Is he jealous of my friendship with Kaya? If that’s the case, we’re never going to work because my friends are important to me. I refuse to ditch them all over a guy.

  “There’s nothing going on.” Kaya and I are sitting on my bed, and she’s wrapped up in my comforter because she’s always cold. I have my favorite blanket draped over my lap, and I pluck the fuzzies off of it, keeping my head bent. “Okay, fine, there’s something going on, but you have to swear on your life you won’t breathe a word of it to anyone.”

  “I swear,” Kaya says quickly.

  I glance up at her, heave a big sigh, and decide to go into it. “Ash and I…we’re kind of together.”

  Kaya purses her lips, looking ready to burst. “I knew it! After you told me what happened between you two in the past, I was waiting for this.”

  “Shush, keep your voice down.” I know my room door is shut, but I swear, sometimes the walls are thin. Or there are spies lingering outside my door. Though Ava is at a friend’s house right now, so maybe that won’t be a problem. “I think he was mad that you were coming over. We were supposed to…meet later tonight.”

  Kaya’s eyes go wide as her mouth drops open. “Oooh, what are you two up to already?”

  “Nothing much.” I shrug, trying to be nonchalant, but my hot cheeks give me away as usual. “We’ve messed around a little.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “How was it?” Kaya’s expression is curious, and she’s shared details with me about her sex life with Jaden, so it’s only fair I share a few details with her.

  “It was—good.” My entire face now feels like it’s on fire. “We haven’t had actual sex yet. We’ve just messed around, like I said.”

  “Messing around can be a lot of fun.” Kaya’s smiling and I can’t help but smile too.

  “It is fun. He—really knows what he’s doing.” I yank the blanket in my lap up over my face, making her laugh. “It’s not funny! I feel weird, talking about this stuff.”

  “It’s weird when we start doing that stuff too, but it’s fun, right? I mean, it always makes me and Jaden feel closer after. Plus, it’s really meaningful when you’re doing it with someone you love,” Kaya says, and I peek over the edge of the blanket to see the dreamy look on her face, her earlier anger and sadness over Jaden completely forgotten.

  I drop the blanket. “I wonder if I’m in love with Ash.”

  “You haven’t been with him long enough,” Kaya points out.

  “But we’ve been connected for years. Circling around each other, saying things, doing things, practically daring each other. I don’t know how to describe it, but there was a lot of push and pull between us. We kissed our sophomore year. We kissed our junior year. This was bound to happen,” I say, like it’s perfectly logical, even though really, I know it’s not. “It’s like we’re meant to be together.”

  “Star-crossed lovers?” Kaya asks, teasing me. “Like Romeo and Juliet?”

  “God, I hope not. They both die at the end.” We start laughing.

  “I guess you two could be halfway in love with each other,” Kaya says once our laughter dies. “But you still need to get to know him, right? It’s not like you guys have talked a lot over the years.”

  “No, we really haven’t. We were either too busy arguing or too busy kissing.” Sighing, I stare off into space, bunching the blanket up in my hands. “He went and met his mom for breakfast today. She sounds awful.”

  “Is it true, what they say at school? That his stepdad beat him up?” Kaya asks softly.

  “Don’s not his stepdad, he’s just his mom’s boyfriend, but yeah, it’s true. And it was all over a pack of cigarettes. I guess his mom was encouraging her boyfriend to hit Ash.” I shake my head, my stomach churning. “I can’t even imagine.”

  “He’s had a rough life, I think,” Kaya says.

  “There’s no thinking about it. He’s had it tough these last few years, after his father died.” I frown, hating that I don’t know exactly when his father died.

  Kaya’s right. I don’t know anything about Ash. Not really. Oh, I know a few things, and our earlier conversation was a good one. But we need a lot more of those conversations, where we share bits and pieces about our lives. I want him to know more about me too.

  What if this is just a sexual relationship? What if my original fears are actually coming true? He’s only interested in getting in my pants, and once he does, he’ll dump me. Or maybe he only wants to be close to me because he really wants to be close to my father. I know if given the chance, Dad would assist in any way he could with Ash’s future in football, and he would be a tremendous help. My father is a respected man in the NFL. He could help Ash get places.

  If that’s all Ash really wants, then…

  I’ll be devastated.

  “Hey.” Kaya grabs my bent knee and gives it a shake. “You’re getting too caught up in the shitty details. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

  “You didn’t.” I offer her a weak smile, lying through my teeth. She totally made me feel bad, though I’m not blaming her for it.

  I’m completely at fault. Ash and I moved too fast. I need to figure out exactly what he wants from me. It doesn’t help, how upset he got earlier when I told him about Kaya coming over. Or how he was texting someone on his phone—and I don’t know if that was really his mom, which means maybe I can’t trust him. Should I? And will he always have a jealous streak? I don’t know if I can deal with that. Does this mean our relationship is doomed to fail before it even started?

  “I’m starving.” Kaya hops off the bed with a bright smile. “Let’s go dig up some snacks and watch a movie or something.”

  “Okay,” I say weakly, feeling dumb. I wish I could forget about my troubles with Ash for a while and just focus on hanging out with Kaya.

  Kind of hard when the boy who’s so troubling is actually living at my house.

  Thirty

  It’s closer to one a.m. when I find myself sneaking down to Ash’s room. As I make my way through the house, I feel like this all I’ve been up to for the past week. Sneaking here, sneaking there. If my parents caught me, I’d be in big trouble.

  Despite all my troubling thoughts earlier, I still believe Ash is worth the risk.

  Within minutes, I’m in his room, only to find him sleeping, sprawled across the bed, the sheets and comforter caught around his waist. He’s on his stomach without a shirt on, his arms spread wide, his head turned to the side, and I stare at him unabashedly, thankful for the night light that’s shining in the hallway, just bright enough to cast light into the room through the cracked open door. Mom must have plugged that in for Ash for some reason—so he could find his way to the bathroom? Or maybe so I could find my way to Ash’s room, and then spy on him like I’m doing at this very moment?

  Yeah, I’m sure that’s a firm no to my last mental question.

  The longer I stare at him, the more my heart aches. I can see the remnants of the physical wounds that mark his body, but what about the emotional ones? What has he been through that he hasn’t told me about? He looks so vulnerable in his sleep, reminding me of a little boy. It baffles me, how someone can be so cruel to their own child. I hate what his mother did to him. I hate that he’s been put into such a terrible situation through no fault of his own. I wish I could change his circumstances. If he stays here, my family will help him.

  Yet i
f my parents find out I’m doing this, they’ll kick him out with zero hesitation. Dad might want to murder him for touching me. Maybe it’s not worth the risk. Maybe me risking it all just so I can feel close to him would be detrimental for Ash’s future.

  Deciding I need to go back to my room and go to bed, I start to tiptoe out of Ash’s room when he stirs, rolling over onto his side so that he’s facing me.

  “Where you goin’?” he mumbles, squinting in the semi-darkness.

  I come to a stop, then go to the bed, where I bend over and drop a kiss to the top of his head. “I was just checking on you. Go back to sleep.”

  “C’mere.” He snags my hand and pulls me down onto him, with only the sheet between us. “This is a nice surprise.”

  “Kaya’s waiting for me,” I tell him, hating the lie. But I have to do this to keep him safe. “I told her I was going to the bathroom.”

  He studies me for a moment, our faces close, his gaze searching. “Really, Callahan? You’re going to start lying to me now?”

  Sighing, I drop my head so my forehead nudges against his chin. I wish I could confront him about his earlier lie, but I don’t the courage to do it. Not yet. “I shouldn’t be in here.”

  “Why not? I thought that was the plan.” He plays with my hair, making me want to melt into him. “You don’t want to be with me?”

  “Of course I do. It’s just…” My voice drifts and I lift my head so I can look into his eyes when I say this. “I don’t want you to get in trouble with my parents.”

  Frowning, he reaches for me, pushing my hair away from my forehead. “They won’t come looking for you right now.”

  “We don’t know that for sure. And I don’t want to risk it,” I whisper, resting my cheek against his chest.

  He holds me like this for a long, quiet moment, the only sound the steady beating of his heart. When we’re like this, together, alone, it feels like we can do anything. Like we can conquer the world as long as we have each other.

  I know that’s not the truth. We just feel protected in our little bubble. The real world is still out there, waiting for us, and it doesn’t go easy, especially on Ash.