***
This time when I came to, my body wasn’t folded in on itself. My legs and arms rested comfortably on a soft surface.
Voices cut into the quiet.
“He’s coming around.”
“He took quite a blow to the head. You think he’ll be okay?”
“I hope so. I’m just happy he’s alive. You saved him.”
“Told you I would.”
Whispered words followed by, “Thank you.”
I know that voice. Her voice. Please don’t be a dream! Am I dead this time? Don’t tease me. Make it real. Make her real.
Opening my eyes, her puffy, bruised face came into view, bringing a snarl from my throat at the recollection of what had gone down. I moved to sit up, but fell back down as dizziness slapped me, hard. More fragments of my subconscious filtered through, and then like a roaring train with no brakes, I hurtled into my own head with its infinite flashes. Bits and pieces of the jigsaw puzzle thrown in a pile for me to sort out. A soft hand came to my arm in comfort but I shucked it away, overcome by my brain’s overload. A collection of events from birth to present vying for space, some horrific, some amazing. With each unlocked piece of my past came the emotions that sat with the occasion. Fear. Love. Wonder. Hatred. Self-loathing. Worry. Joy. All of it together but unsorted, filling the void at an alarming rate.
“Fuck!” I roared, gripping my scalp. I just wanted it to stop. Make it stop!
“Harley?” her soft voice rose in concern, but I couldn’t shake my waking nightmare. I couldn’t quite grasp onto the comfort it always brought me. I floundered, drowning.
I’d killed people. Seen things. Horrific things. Bodies mutilated. Heads blown off. Friends dead in my arms. Reno…God. Reno! Guilt pulled me under.
A shadow loomed. The enemy. I lashed out, flailing my fists, not concerned about the wounded cry or the semi-focused image of my beautiful nurse. I howled in pain. Not physical, but mental. Scars cut so deep, stitched back together haphazardly.
“Dec, man! Stop! You hurt Mac. Calm down!” Large hands pushed my shoulders down into the mattress.
I shook my head, my body already trembling. Tears fell down my face as I squeezed my eyes tightly, attempting to purge the horror of who I was and what I’d done. What I’d seen.
“Dec. You’re safe. It’s okay. Open your eyes.” Viper. My wingman. My battle buddy. The only one who knew the torment, beneath. He’d lived it too. Right by my side.
“Shhh. Come on, dude. Don’t do this. Come back.” His dusty voice begged with a level of authority that made me blink several times and focus. It took a moment as I swiped at the tears.
My vision showed not a warzone but a room. I saw the concern in his green eyes as I let him settle me. “You okay? Shit.” Letting me go, he backed off, allowing my sight to move across the room. My eyes pinned Mac, standing on the other side of my bed, holding her arm. Fuck! Had I done that? I didn’t mean to. I’d never hurt her intentionally. And yet, she stood frightened, half the woman she had been when I’d first met her. God, her marred face. The wounds raw and blatant. I did that. I caused all of it. A beautiful, tragic mess. Not directly, but indirectly, and that had proved just as bad. I’d never get over hurting her and she’d never begin to understand why. No one could possibly understand my grief. Her fear made me feel pathetic and weak. She may not admit it but right now, but she was scared of me. And so she should be. I wasn’t who she’d created. Harley. The guy deserving of such a woman. The guy I’d wanted to be for her. The guy I could no longer be.
The strong, independent woman who had promised to stick by me until my memories returned now cowered like a mouse. Afraid. Of. Me.
Her wide eyes held mine with pity and fright. She made no move to come closer. The room began to swallow me up with her reaction. I fought to remain focused on her as my brain caught and held more memories. Memories of the person I’d always been but had lost. And the person I had become under Mac’s care dangled in limbo, neither here nor there. I didn’t know what to do with him. He was me, yet he wasn’t. He was what she wanted and needed. Dec would hurt her. The damaged soldier. I couldn’t wake up each day seeing the same hesitation in her eyes. Wondering if each day would bring another meltdown.
I knew what I needed to do. To save her I needed to hurt her. She had no business being caught up in my mess. I would fail her. Not physically, but emotionally. Now that I knew everything, my nightmare had only just begun. I needed help. I had to let her go and fix myself.
Saving her life had been just the beginning. Now I needed to save her soul.
Masking my emotions, I gripped the sheet and ground out, “Leave. Now. I don’t need you here.”
Nothing could be further from the truth, but if she stayed, she’d witness someone I didn’t want her to see. The real me. A soldier with a fucked up brain caused by war.
Her blue eyes appeared horrified at my command. She looked at Viper for support but he remained silent, eyes slightly squinting as if he were trying to read my change of heart.
“I mean it. You need to leave.” My voice held the authority I now remembered as being a commanding officer’s.
I needed to punch something. To release the valve that had my head constricted so tightly. I could barely breathe without screaming.
Her weak voice asked, “Where will I go?”
Drinking in more of the bedroom I lay in, I realized it belonged to the hotel we had rented. She couldn’t very well go home because we weren’t in Ann Arbor.
“Just go out in the living area,” I barked.
Viper moved to go too, but I lurched forward, gripping his wrist as he pulled away. “You. Stay.”
I didn’t wait to see Mac disappear. I felt detached. Wrong. My vision blurred. A flash of the small boy huddling in the Afghani town plagued me along with one of our crew being shot through the head in an attack from militant rebels. Any peaceful memories of family and friends took a backseat. Violence and carnage shot to the fore. Bloodshed. Death.
“Make it stop!” Squeezing my eyes tightly, I pounded on my temple with my fist, needing something to numb me.
“Dec. What’s happening?”
“Brain overload. All the images from our tours. I can’t shake them. All of them.” I could only hear Viper’s voice come closer with my eyes closed.
“I’m calling 000.”
I didn’t damn well care. I just needed a clear head.
I vaguely heard him make the call.
“They’re on their way.”
Nodding and dragging in deep breaths, I attempted to fight the deluge. “Mac. Make sure she’s okay.”
He perched on the edge of the bed as I opened my eyes. “What was that about before? She’s gone through hell and you virtually yelled at her to get the fuck out.” He spoke genuinely. I knew he liked Mac. He could tell she made me happy. Normally. When I knew nothing about my past. When I wasn’t Declan Harding.
Hissing out a breath between my teeth, I propped myself up on the pillow, not knowing how to explain, but figuring if anyone would understand, it would be Viper. Staring at him, trying to remain present, feeling the sheets underneath me and letting the smells of the room keep me grounded, I hoped I could help him see.
“Harley’s the guy she met. He’s the one she knows. In light of what I know now and what I’ve been through, I don’t know if I can be him anymore. My head is a mess. I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to physically tear someone apart from the infinite rage coursing through me. Jesus, Viper. How did you do it? Get through it all, I mean.”
He’d been there with me. Seen the same things. Probably had the same shit going over and over in his head. And yet, he seemed so put together. Thinking back through the muck sinking my mind, I searched for memories of my friend having a meltdown at any stage but he answered the question for me.
“It wasn’t easy. Cost me my girl. The one I had asked to marry me.”
Gripping the blanket covering me and squeezing it as more images
tried to steal me back, I jiggled my legs and slowed my breathing.
Ahh, yeah. The house he’d brought as a family home. The memory peeked through. Cindy.
“She left because of your drinking and anger.”
Folding his arms across his chest, clearly uncomfortable, he grunted. “I had it all. Career. Home. Woman I loved. Then it all went to hell after the second tour. I totally lost my shit.”
He had. I’d nearly lost him as a friend because of it. He’d derailed, drowning himself in bottles of Jack Daniels. The only thing that had pulled him back from the edge had been medication and counseling.
“The thing with you is, you’ve got everything flooding your brain all at once. I had the shit happen over time. You’re trying to process it all now. It sucks for you. You need something to help with that. I’m telling you, the meds they put me on are what helped me get up each morning.”
Feeling another wave of daytime drama appearing in my mind, I hung my head, attempting to push it back. There were no triggers. It just happened rapidly. Randomly.
A knock sounded on the door before it opened and two medics appeared, Mac in the background looking flustered and stressed. My heart called out to her but I didn’t need to be dealing with more emotional stuff right now. I couldn’t think past my own anxiety. She’d understand. I didn’t want to lose her, but the vermin in my psyche twisted and twirled like sharp claws. The suddenly new version of myself felt detached from her as if Harley had all been a dream.
Chapter Sixteen
Mac
Harley had woken from his head trauma with his full memory. How did I react to that? He wasn’t the make-believe Harley any more. Harley had been nothing more than a pretend version of Declan. A temporary persona. Watching him process his memories, mainly bad, had cut me to the bone. I wanted to help but clearly he didn’t need it. He chose the friend who’d seen him through thick and thin. And why should it be any other way? I’d only known him for such a short time. He didn’t owe me a thing. And I shouldn’t hope for anything more.
Already in too deep, if he asked me to walk away and never see him again, it would gut me. Just going into another room and leaving him vulnerable had been hard enough. Or had his order a double meaning? Perhaps he had meant for me to leave and never come back. His voice had sounded so final. I’d been there for him right up until a few moments ago and the idea of not being wanted anymore had my stress level at an unhealthy high. Harley had the ability to break me.
Maybe he needed time to pull himself together. To let his past settle into some sort of order. He must be going through hell, and it was selfish of me to be considering my own feelings.
I’d seen PTSD patients at the hospital. They carried a heavy burden. Sometimes too much to handle. We always referred them to a clinical psychologist. Fingers crossed Harley would be given the same option. Harley. It now sounded foreign. Harley had never existed. He’d always been Declan. A person I’d never known. A life I’d never been a part of. Suddenly I felt like an outsider. Is that how he saw me now?
I’d let the paramedics in and they loaded him onto the gurney, injecting a liquid into his arm that seemed to sedate him somewhat. His eyes glassed over and his lids struggled to remain open. His bleary eyes found mine as they wheeled him past.
He mumbled something but I only caught, “Mac.”
I wanted to go with him. One of the medics stopped when he saw me.
“Are you okay, Ma’am? Do you need medical treatment also?”
Viper hadn’t taken me to the hospital in light of him needing to rescue Harley. I’d almost forgotten about my face. They must wonder what I’d been involved in.
“No. I’m fine. I got into a fight but, ah…it’s been handled. Thank you.”
He stared at me for a few long seconds before nodding and taking Harley out. Walking to Viper, I asked, “Can I go too? I need to be with him even if he doesn’t want me there.”
He didn’t hesitate. “Of course. I’ll bring you back with me later.”
Grateful to have him here, I stepped closer and hugged him, needing the contact after Harley’s attempt at pushing me away.
His arms didn’t immediately embrace me, but after a beat or two they came around my waist in a firm squeeze.
“He’ll come around,” he muttered softly.
I could only hope.
***
For some reason being in a hospital this time unnerved me. Funny, considering I spent most of my time in one. It differed, being a hopeful and concerned friend, waiting in an overcrowded room, unable to hurry the process or see what went on behind the closed door facing us.
“You want a coffee?” Viper asked.
“Please,” I replied, grateful for his thoughtfulness. Watching him walk away, I felt helpless.
I hadn’t seen Harley since he’d been wheeled out of the hotel room. Viper and I traveled behind the ambulance up until a point, where we’d veered off to do a detour, but then had to gain access like regular civilians to the ER waiting room. I couldn’t stop thinking of the way he’d forced me from the hotel bedroom. His heated stare. Angry. Did he really feel animosity toward me or was it more a case of him protecting me by pushing me away? Either way, it hurt. I’d been through my own trauma, and having him throw me out like garbage added insult to injury. What an absolutely crappy twenty-four hours.
On the way we’d done a quick stop at a clothing store to pick me up some clothes. My scrubs I’d been abducted in were a mess, and we figured we had half an hour up our sleeve at least until paperwork for Harley had been filled out.
Viper soon returned with my coffee. We sat in silence for a bit, so I decided to help pass the time and get my mind off Harley by finding out more about him. I really didn’t know a lot. Harley hadn’t divulged much, and with everything going on, I hadn’t thought to ask.
Not knowing how much of his personal life he wanted to share, I started with, “So. How come you haven’t got the ladies chasing you?” It seemed a fair question. I hadn’t heard any mention of a girlfriend and he lived alone.
Turning to slant me a quick glance, he spun back to his coffee. He didn’t respond right away and used the military excuse. “Don’t really have time for one. I’m away a lot.”
It felt like a cop out. There were plenty of military wives out there who made it work. Perhaps he’d had a bad relationship or two and preferred being single.
“So you’ve never had a long relationship?” Curiosity made me push a little.
Swigging his coffee, he shrugged his shoulders and gave me another brief look. “You’re a nosy little thing, aren’t you?”
“Just curious.”
Sighing, he tightened his grip on his cup. “I had someone special a while back. We were engaged to be married. I bought her a house.” Clearing his throat, he hung his head, pausing. Suddenly I felt bad for prying.
“I’m sorry. You don’t have to talk about it.” I gave him an out.
“Let’s just say I thought she was the one. It damn near killed me when she left.”
Downing the rest of his coffee, he rose to toss the cup in the trash nearby. When he circled back and walked to his seat, lines etched his brow and his lips had compressed.
Nothing more was spoken.
When it felt like we’d been sitting there for hours, Viper went to the triage nurse and asked about Harley. After a few minutes we were told we could go see him. As much as he probably didn’t want to see me, I needed him to know I couldn’t be pushed away so easily.
Upon entering the ER, we were led past a nurses’ station and around the corner to a curtained room, lined up against others. A child cried and a loud groan echoed through the other hospital noise. I knew the sounds well.
Pushing open the curtain to reveal Harley, the nurse shut it again to give us some privacy. Harley’s eyes opened when we moved to his bedside.
Pain bled from his eyes. His vulnerable state allowed me to see through the tough exterior and into the real man. My hear
t stuttered. What went through his head? If I didn’t know better, I’d think his emotions were aimed at me. Perhaps they were. Perhaps he’d decided with me in the picture, he’d always feel the need to put his own life on the line.
Maybe he didn’t want that anymore.
His anger toward me earlier still hurt. I shouldn’t take it personally with my knowledge on PTSD, but how could I not? He’d told me to leave. He didn’t want me near him. But his focus on me now told a different story. He appeared confused and remorseful.
I stopped and let Viper move forward, remaining in the background to keep my distance.
Chapter Seventeen
Harley
When Mac appeared through the hospital curtain drawn around my bed, it took me by surprise. Especially after the way I’d barked at her to leave the hotel room. I expected her to run and never look back, but here she stood. Still gorgeous even with a swollen, bruised face. Her eyes still held a wariness toward me I’d put there earlier. Part of me hated myself for hurting her, and the other part knew it needed to happen to keep her safe. From myself. The pure white hot rage that still rocketed through me, held firm. She couldn’t be around me. I’d break her even more than she was after the attack. I knew Viper flanked her, but I didn’t acknowledge him. I pierced her with a look I hoped let her know I hadn’t changed my mind. God. In all honesty, I wanted to pull her to me and never let go, but until I got my emotions under control I couldn’t risk hurting her again. She probably had bruises on her arm from my episode at the hotel when I lashed out. It gutted me to see the fear in her eyes. She held back, almost afraid to come closer. So when I opened my mouth, the words that came out killed me.
“What are you doing here? I told you to leave,” I bit out, shame filling me.
I swear I thought I heard her heart crack some more and I had to look away. I found Viper’s angry stare on me. He looked like he wanted to knock some sense into me.
“She came to see how you were doing because she cares, but I can see you’re still being an asshole.”
The Lost and Found Series Page 27
