“How long do you think he’ll be?”
I couldn’t hear the nurse’s reply.
Dec. He’d come.
As tired as I’d become, I needed to let him know I was back. I glanced at Eva. “Just a minute. There’s someone here to see me.” I motioned with my hand up the corridor.
“I really should get you back in bed. You’ve done more than enough for today.”
Shaking my head, I began moving, giving her no choice but to follow. “Not happening yet.”
I strode to where the voice had come from, turning a corner, the nurse’s station coming in to view.
Dec’s broad back faced me as he leaned against the large workstation.
“Hey, man,” I called out as we neared.
He spun and grinned, seeing me up and about. “Wow. Look at you rocking those crutches. Good to see, brother.” His eyes moved to Eva, crinkling at the corners as he offered her a bigger smile.
Walking to us, he said, “I got here and wondered where you were. I hoped you hadn’t been transferred or sent home already.”
“Nah. I’ll be here for another few days.”
Dec followed us as we traipsed back to my room. As much as I hated the confinement, my body rejoiced at being able to lie back down.
Eva helped me onto the bed and positioned the IV pole back before disappearing again. Visiting hours had officially finished, but allowances had been made after I’d insisted my friend be let in for a short time. What I needed to say wouldn’t take long, but couldn’t wait.
“How does it feel to be able to move around?” he asked, pulling back the chair he’d sat on earlier.
“To be honest, it’s okay. Well, here in the hospital, anyway. I don’t grab anyone’s attention because most patients here are pretty severely injured.”
“But…”
He sensed my but coming. And there was a but.
“Back home will be different. Going out. Being in public. I don’t want the pity or stares.”
“Is that what has you in a flap? You’re worried about what others think? Since when has that bothered you?”
We were heading back into a heated discussion and I didn’t want that. I’d asked him to come to apologize, so I didn’t let him know what bothered me about it. Instead, I let out a long exhale and rubbed my face.
“I know. Look, forget it, okay? That’s not why I asked you to come. I wanted to say I’m sorry about the way I carried on earlier.”
Dec laughed. Fully. “You got me back here just to apologize? Man, you don’t need to do that. Look at what has happened to you. I’d be pretty irate and down on myself too in your shoes. It’s okay.”
“Still, I acted like a dick.” Reaching over to the bedside cabinet, I poured myself a plastic cup full of water and took a swig, my mouth suddenly dry.
“So, you feeling any better? Moving about must have helped.”
How did I answer him? Was I better? No. I’d never be better, but seeing others like myself eased some of the burden.
“I don’t know how the fuck to feel. I mean, this…” I pointed to my leg. “This is forever. I’d rather the landmine took me altogether.”
“Shut it, bro. Don’t talk like that. You think it would be easy for me to lose you? For Char or Mac? Do you think your parents would have wanted that?”
Pain shot from his eyes and I knew I was being selfish, but he didn’t have to live in my shoes.
Hearing him speak about my folks spread guilt and sorrow further into my marrow. Perhaps if they were still alive I’d be coping better. I couldn’t be sure.
Finishing the cup of water, I fell back onto the bed. “I miss them.”
“They’d be so proud of you. They were anyway.”
I wished I could talk to them again. Listen to their advice. Hear their voices. My dad pushing me forward. My mom with her gentle way, hugging me and telling me all would be well.
Nothing else compared. As much as I loved Dec and he had replaced my blood family, it still wasn’t the same. But they were gone and I had to deal with the loss. Would have to deal with it every day for the rest of my life.
I knew they’d want me to remain strong and make the best of things, but it was so damn hard.
“I know.”
Dec wasn’t one to dwell on a subject too long. “So, when do you think they’ll release you?”
“In the next few days, apparently.”
“I’m staying. I’ll fly home with you.”
“I’ve got a military escort. You don’t need to. Go be with Mac. Take Char home.”
“Ain’t happening, man. Whether you like it or not, I’m here until you leave. Already discussed it with Char and she’s happy to fly solo.”
Red. She’d never been far from my thoughts. The woman who had flown all the way here to see me and I’d been a dick to her too.
I’d need to right that wrong when I arrived back in the States.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Char
I hadn’t seen Viper again. I’d decided to give him space. Dec had visited alone again and remained behind.
Sitting, contemplating everything out the aircraft window, I weighed up where I stood in Viper’s life. If I stood at all.
What was it about this guy that had me tied in knots? I’d deliberated over this so many times and I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was a feeling. A strange pull deep down that had a hold on my emotions. More than physical. Even though he was a specimen to behold without clothes, to me, even with half his leg gone, he’d still be whole. It didn’t matter. It didn’t take away his presence or energy. The man who’d put it all on the line for his country. The man who’d saved me from me, just by being there.
If he thought he could push me away, he was wrong. I knew we could have something amazing. For the first time in my life, I wanted it all with one man. Perhaps I’d known since I’d first laid eyes on him at University Hospital when Mac had been abducted. But seeing him in Germany, so desolate and in pain, strengthened my resolve. Like Dec, I wouldn’t walk away. No matter what. This man was the more I craved. Even when he put up all his walls to push me away. Snippets of my meltdown after being accosted out front of my home, when I’d been barely functioning as Viper carried me from his bathroom into the bedroom. He’d let that wall crumble for an instant, showing me the compassionate man underneath. He could be that man again. I could bring him back. I wanted to try.
I dozed on and off, never truly falling into fitful sleep. The flight seemed endless before touching down in Detroit.
As good as if felt being home again, I hated the thought of Viper being a world away. Did he think he’d succeeded in pushing me away upon learning of my departure home? It didn’t matter. I had a few days to gather myself, get back to work, and prepare for the storm I knew was brewing.
After retrieving my suitcase, on my way to the car rental counter, I stopped short. Standing not ten feet away from me was Mac. A huge smile lit her face.
What the hell? What was she doing here?
Happy to see her face, I dropped my bag and almost skipped to my best friend.
We embraced. A hug I’d never forget. It didn’t need to be followed up with words of any kind. The fierceness of it held way more than words ever could.
She’d come as my support. I’d gone to Germany to support Dec and Viper and now she came to offer it to me.
A tear leaked from my eye. This girl was everything to me. A true warrior in her own right.
Pulling back, I watched her own tears fall.
“I thought you might need a ride back home.”
Laughing at her, I said, “Really, Mac? You drove all this way to drive me home?”
“I missed you. Plus, I was going stir crazy in my apartment.”
Picking up my bag, we left the busy airport and walked to her Mustang. I had a lot to tell her.
Glad I could sit back and talk while she drove, I got settled and began.
I relayed first seeing Viper. Dec’s rea
ction. The anger he’d directed at me. She’d been through it all, so who better to understand?
“Stubborn men. You know it’s just a cry for help, right?” She turned onto Interstate 94.
“Yeah, I think I’ve worked that out.”
“He’s going to need you in the coming weeks and months. It won’t be easy, but trust me, stick with it and you’ll be rewarded with his trust and undying devotion.”
Glancing at her wistful expression, I knew she referred to her and Dec, but in many ways, the two soldiers were as alike as true brothers.
“I hear what you’re saying. I thought about it on the flight back. The damn man has burrowed so far under my skin, I don’t think I could walk away if I wanted to.”
“I hear ya.” She sighed. “If you need advice, I can’t promise it will be the right advice, but I can promise it will be honest.”
“Thanks, girl. You know I love you, right?”
“I know. Back at ya, sister.”
We arrived back at Mac’s apartment in just over an hour with traffic thick out of Detroit.
“Can you drop me home after I grab my stuff? I think I’m ready to move back into my apartment.”
She turned quickly. “You sure? You don’t have to. You’re welcome to stay with me as long as you need.”
“No. You know what? I’m ready. I have to do this. After seeing what Viper has gone through and will continue to go through, I need to toughen up and deal with my fears. I’ll be okay.”
She still didn’t look convinced, but simply nodded. “I’ll help you pack.”
It was midday on Wednesday. I quickly realized my friend should be working.
“Ah, why aren’t you at work?”
We entered her apartment. I had left my suitcase in the car and placed my purse on the small table beside the door.
“I bribed Cassie to cover for me. I’m pulling a double tomorrow.”
She made it sound like no big deal, but for her to do that for me, meant so much.
I moved to her and pulled her into another hug. “You’re the best. You didn’t have to do that. I know how hard double shifts are.”
“Eh, don’t sweat it. Working helps me keep busy while Dec’s away.”
“Well, I’m going to make it up to you. For being here for me. Letting me stay. I’ll organize a girl’s weekend away where we can be pampered.”
“I’d like that.”
***
Trudging up to the apartment I’d called home for the last couple of years, it appeared the same, yet different. I didn’t feel any attachment toward it like I had in the past. Now it was merely a place where I would continue to live until I decided to move on. The personal emotions attached to it were gone—leaving the moment I was assaulted.
Mac touched my arm as I paused. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Just realizing I haven’t missed it. That it might be time to move somewhere new soon. Make a fresh start.”
“Sometimes it’s what we have to do in order to move forward.”
Another shift happened at that moment. Maybe I’d been stuck in a rut for so long it had taken a couple of scary incidents to shake my world. To jerk me into breaking free from my mold. I’d existed in my comfort zone for far too long. Meeting Viper had pulled me from that, and it was as if the shift I felt was my soul rejoicing.
Opening the door on my old life, I boldly crossed the threshold, Mac dragging one large suitcase and me lugging the other.
Inside everything remained the same. Yet I had changed. Opening the blinds, I let light in, the sun finding its way across the floor to my familiar couch with the same tan cushions sitting where I’d left them. The timber-framed painting of an autumn landscape no longer held its appeal.
Mac perched on the recliner facing my television, looking at me while I surveyed my surroundings.
“Strange being home?”
“Yeah. It’s weird. I feel like I don’t belong here anymore.”
“Maybe you don’t.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Viper
It had been a cruel week of ups and downs. Dec kept his promise and barely left my side. Each day, I’d hobbled on crutches down the lengths of the hospital hallways, itching to get out of my room. The confined space, although hiding me from revealing my stumpy limb, did my head in. I felt caged. Entombed.
The day of my release spoke of freedom and a whole world of fear. Two opposite emotions sparring with each other. My armpits ached from the crutches, but it was nothing compared to the ache inside. The constant conflict with my emotions.
Instead of traveling with a military partner, I’d been allowed to travel with Dec after a consultation with the higher-ups. They knew and trusted Dec and knew I’d be in safe hands.
“You ready to head home?” he asked in the back of the cab.
My wound apparently had been healing well, considering. I’d been discharged with a ton of bandages and pain meds if I needed them…on the stipulation that I visit with the hospital daily to get my bandages changed.
“Truth be told, I’m not sure.” Glancing down at my left leg and the way it jutted out from the seat left the chasm inside wider. I still needed to come to grips with my new look. Not seeing my calf and foot.
After speaking with Zane for an hour or so in the hospital and him leaving me his number for when he returned to the States, I wasn’t feeling quite as sorry for myself. I’d make sure to call him. Keep in touch with someone who could relate.
“I’m gonna stay with you for a bit. Until you feel more comfortable and can get around easier.”
Feeling like a charity case, I gritted my teeth. “You don’t need to do that. I’ll be fine.”
“Like fuck you will. I’m staying. End of story. You can bust my ass all you want, but you need someone with you. Stop being so damn stubborn and let me help.”
His voice brooked no argument, even though I could push it. He’d do what he felt was right, regardless of my opinion.
“Whatever, man.”
“You’re not fighting me on this?”
“What’s the point? You’re just as stubborn as me. Sounds like you’ve made your mind up.”
“Good.”
And that was that. Dec would be moving in.
“Mac okay with it?”
“She’s fine. In fact, she’s the one who suggested it?”
“She did?”
“Uh huh. She cares about you.”
Blowing air between my compressed lips, I peered out the window. I needed to let more people in and accept their help. That included Red.
I wouldn’t be able to hide from her. She’d be at the damn hospital every day, making sure I obeyed protocol and doctor’s orders.
I remembered the horrified expression on her face when the nurse had thrown the bed covers down to reveal my injury. She’d schooled it well after a heartbeat, but I’d noticed. Deep down beneath the cool, professional façade I’d seen fear. Shock. Pity. All of it.
I imagined her thoughts at that moment. Oh, my God. He’s lost some of his leg. He’ll never be the same again. What does his future hold now? He’ll have to quit the military. What will he do? How will he cope? Will he be able to have a relationship?
They were the exact same questions I’d asked myself and I didn’t have answers to any of them.
***
Stepping foot back in my house brought me to a complete stop. Someone had been here and redecorated. Not the furniture. In the living room against the wall above the couch hung a large, Welcome Home banner. On the coffee table below sat some fresh flowers in a vase, and above floated a sea of black and white balloons.
What the actual fuck? My jaw hung slack. Dec smiled guiltily at my reaction, obviously having a hand in it. I didn’t know whether to be pissed that someone had been in my place while I’d been out of the country or happy that they’d gone to the effort. The balloons and banner signified a happy return as if a celebration should be occurring. Like it was my frigging birthday or
something.
I didn’t feel that at all. Coming home scared the crap out of me. It signaled the end of my career. The end of everything I’d known. Frowning, I threw a glare at Dec.
“You did this?”
“Well, not physically. It was Char’s idea. She thought it might cheer you up, so I agreed.”
When he noticed my not so happy reaction, his smile dwindled.
“You’re mad?”
I went to shove a hand through my hair and a crutch fell to the floor, causing me to almost lose my balance. I had to hop on my right leg to stabilize. Dec grabbed my arm.
“Easy, man. I got you.”
He bent down and picked up the crutch after he was sure I wouldn’t topple.
At that one simple moment, a flick switched in my head again. A surge of anger rose. I couldn’t even stand properly by myself. I was helpless. Useless.
I rushed to the couch, throwing myself down, feeling a throb at my injury site. Throwing one of the crutches across the room, I let out a growl.
Dec stood in place, quietly observing. I sucked in air. In. Out. In. Out. I needed to destroy something and I think he knew it.
Gripping both sides of my scalp, I squeezed. “Fuck this shit! I can’t even stand on my own two Goddam feet! I need a babysitter!”
My chest tightened. I’d never needed anyone, being independent from a young age. Even as a boy and an only child, I’d done things around the house. My parents had made sure I could cook, clean, and sew buttons on before I reached puberty.
Suddenly the weight of everything came crashing through me. The reality of never being able to fight. I’d struggled to mesh with civilian life for years since joining the military, which was why I’d always accepted every mission offered to me. How in God’s name would I do it? I needed the thrill of battle as much as the beat of my heart.
Pounding my fist into my right thigh, I let out a roar. It sounded more like a dying bear. I could relate. A part of me was dying. A slow, painful demise of who I’d always been and could never be again.
The Lost and Found Series Page 50
