He sat down on the end of the bed and gazed at her profile, silhouetted against the cloudy twentieth-floor window, as though it might be the last time. She stared out at the view of Edmonton with her arms crossed and the ends of her long brown hair whispering against her arm in the breeze made by the room’s heater, already deep in thought. His heart broke for what he was about to say.
“Do you want to go?” he asked her in a low voice. “After what your dad said?”
“No.” She shook her head without turning to look at him. “I feel safe with you.”
“Maybe he’s right. Maybe it’s beyond my control.”
“So what then? I stay with you and risk my life, or leave and not have one that’s worth living anyway? I’ll take my chances.” She faced him with a frown. “Besides, Nina’s taken care of, right?”
“My dad is probably driving to the airport to pick her up as we speak.”
“What’s the problem, then? Anyway, my dad was wrong about you hurting me. You had every opportunity to do it last night, and you didn’t.”
“Didn’t I?”
“Not physically, no,” she said, turning away again. “But I got what I needed.”
“You don’t need me to emotionally abuse you, Herman.”
She turned on him sharply, her hands by her sides, balled into fists. “I did! Though if you’d just fucked me, maybe I wouldn’t have needed it. What I needed, as it ended up, was to know that you would really stop relying on her for everything. I needed to own you last night, Stephen. And the only way I could see to do that was to compare. I compared your love for me to your love for her, and you know what? I finally fucking won.
“You know what I really need from you? I need you to stop babying me. You could have fucked me last night, but no. You took the easy way out. In a way I’m glad she’s gone. There, I said it! I’m glad she’s gone. Now maybe we can start having an equal relationship without someone else getting the crap. I want to be the one who deals with it. I want it all. I want you. All of you. Not just the good parts. All of it!
“Can’t you see? I can stand the pain. I want to feel. I’ve spent most of my life with a mother who wasn’t capable of feeling anything for me, and a father who wasn’t even there. I didn’t learn what love really was until I met you, and the first thing I learned about it was pain. But you didn’t take responsibility for that pain, did you? There was always Margaret there to buffer it, to explain it to me. You relied on her to show me what love meant, for God’s sake! I want you to show me. I want you to take responsibility for the pain that your love causes me. And I want to feel it with you, not your fucking go-between.
“I don’t want to fucking need Margaret anymore! I want to need you, and only you.”
She turned away from him and crossed her arms again. When he was sure she was finished, he stood and tentatively touched her shoulder. She was shaking.
“I’m sorry. I had no idea you felt that way.”
She shook her head and exhaled through her nose. “Neither did I, until yesterday. Until last night. I began to understand when you took her instead of me, how much you were relying on her to protect me.”
She turned to face him. “If you’re going to protect me, Stephen, do it. But you can’t protect me from you, not if you want me to love you.”
“But I don’t want to hurt you …”
“You already have. So if you’re going to anyway, I want you to explain to me why. Not someone else. Certainly not poor Margaret. Although I’m sure she’ll miss putting up with your crap along with everything else.”
Stephen sat again and put his head in his hands. He thought about his initial reaction that he wished Margaret hadn’t picked that moment to leave and realized that Herman was right. The entire relationship had been a three-way, and if he wanted to keep his relationship with Herman, that had to change.
“I suppose my only excuse is that I needed help with the extraordinary amount of baggage I bring with me. But that’s a lame excuse at best.” He looked up at her. “I should have seen it myself. Thinking back on it, I did see it, but I allowed it to happen anyway, not recognizing the impact it made on our relationship.”
“It’s over now anyway,” Herman said, turning to the window again.
For one terrifying second Stephen thought she meant that they were finished, and he felt his heart skip a beat. Then, realizing she meant that Margaret was gone from their lives, he breathed again, though the hurt remained.
“It’s funny,” Herman said. “Your friend Bryce saw the implications of Margaret still being a huge part of your life, and I couldn’t understand why she seemed shocked that I was okay with it. In the end it took your demon to save our relationship from what I’m guessing would have been destruction. I don’t know how much longer you and I would have lasted before she came to the conclusion that she didn’t belong.”
“I’m so sorry, Herman. I can’t believe how oblivious I was.”
He stared into the space between himself and the desk and wondered if there was any chance of a new beginning, or if he’d fucked everything up.
“I know you’re going to be lost without her,” Herman said quietly.
“But if I want us to continue, I know I have to rely on you. Instead of Margaret. At least where my personal life is concerned.”
“And soon you won’t have her in your professional life either. I’m sorry for that. Finding another agent who can anticipate your every need before even you know what they are is going to take a while.” She sighed. “I guess my biggest question is, can I fill her shoes in your personal life? Am I good enough?”
He looked up at her, awestruck.
“You’re so much more than good enough.” She swiped at her eye with the back of her hand and faced him, and he continued. “You’ve filled a space in my life like no one ever has. It’s been my mistake not to take full advantage of that. I promise, from now on you will have all of me, as good or bad as that may be.” He reached for her and took her hand. “I want to apologize to you for everything I’ve done, and everything I’m bound to do for the sake of this curse and this blood I have running through my veins. This isn’t how I want to treat the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I’m truly ashamed of what I’ve done,” he said, shaking his head. “Especially last night.”
“Last night was inevitable, and I don’t want to regret it.”
“I hate that you felt you had to share me.”
“Stephen, every time you walk out the door I feel like I’m sharing you.” She laughed bitterly. “But that sounds so selfish.”
“It’s not. You have a right to feel that way. I belong to you Herman, heart, mind, and soul.”
“But not body …”
“Not until I at least try to purify my blood,” he said, lowering his eyes in shame.
“With Nina,” she whispered.
“If I don’t try the cure, I risk passing the demon’s blood down to our children. Or at least the boys.”
“Well then,” she said. “I suppose I have something to look forward to.”
“It’s not going to happen any time soon.”
“Why not? Why not get it over and done with?” She squinted slightly, and he was reminded of the last time she said those same words, just the night before.
“Because I may have to take her menstrual blood. If that’s the case, I’ll have to wait until she menstruates, months after the baby is born.”
Herman snorted. “And it just keeps getting better and better. So she can’t get a hysterectomy.”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to have anything to do with her at all. You see that, don’t you?”
“Yeah. Only I don’t know what to do about it.” She turned back to the window. He didn’t feel he had the right to try to coax her away.
* * *
It wasn’t until they had returned to their room after a late dinner that Herman realized it: she had forgotten the night befor
e, with all the chaos, to take her birth control pill. She walked out of the bathroom where she kept them in her bag with her toothbrush and faced Stephen, holding the pack of pills, her mouth hanging open.
“I missed one,” she said, her heartbeat pounding in her throat.
He got out of bed and stood before her. Placing the palm of his left hand on her cheek, he kissed her once. “Missing one shouldn’t matter.”
“Not for a regular human being.”
“Do you want to know right away?” he asked, looking into her eyes. “Do you want to talk about it first?”
“There’s no use waiting. If I’m pregnant, I need to stop taking these,” she held up the pack of pills. “I’m sorry, Stephen.”
He put his finger to her lips to stop her from apologizing.
Reaching down, he lifted the edge of her black silk nightie. He kissed her again as he slid one finger inside her. A soft moan escaped her. When he lifted his lips from hers she opened her eyes to see him smiling.
“Am I …” she was afraid to finish the sentence. She didn’t have to. Stephen nodded, as happy as she had ever seen him before.
“It’s a girl,” he said.
CHAPTER 21
A new life. The thought pulsed through Herman’s mind like a mantra, every minute of every hour she was awake. She was happy, of course. Thrilled. But a constant nag of sympathy, overcome only by an increased hatred, consumed her—both for Nina. She wanted to cry and scream in frustration that she couldn’t just enjoy being pregnant with the baby of the man she loved, and who loved her in return—which, she kept reminding herself, wasn’t the case for Nina. It would have been better if it had happened after the servant was gone from their lives for good, yet there was no point even thinking about that. She was pregnant now, and nothing would or could take that away from her.
Stephen had noticed that something was bothering her. He tried several times over the last three days to talk to her about it, but she shut him down every time. There was no point making him feel worse than he already did. So she suffered in silence while wishing there was someone else she could talk to.
Because there were no clinical tests that could tell Herman she was pregnant so early along—although Stephen was positive beyond a doubt that she was—they had abstained from sex, which wasn’t helping her mood. It took two and a half days, the longest they had ever gone without making love, for her to break down and go to a pharmacy to buy condoms. She dragged Stephen into the dressing room in Red Deer, Alberta before the show and undressed him and, sitting on his lap on the couch, took out her frustrations by the inch in a well-measured rhythm to her internal rant, all the while holding her hand over his mouth so that he couldn’t speak. She was relieved that he was well-behaved enough not to mention it after it was over: she simply didn’t want to talk.
They caught up with Margaret after the show. She had stayed to watch because she wanted a word with them before she left for Calgary. The three convened in the large dressing room backstage; Stephen and Herman sat with their backs to the mirrors, and Margaret perched on the edge of the same leather couch where the couple had earlier made love.
Margaret was in good spirits, telling them her own news first. Charlie planned to meet her in Calgary, to spend a couple of days with her. Herman was happy for her and told her so. But she was even happier that Dr. Fletcher was someone she could talk to about her pregnancy.
“Maybe we can all have a late dinner together after the show and go dancing,” Margaret suggested.
“Great idea,” Stephen said, sounding cheerful.
“The other reason I wanted to talk to you … Herman, you look different. Did you do something new with your makeup?”
“No.” The word went up at the end as though it were a question. How is it obvious already? she thought. “I guess I’m just warm from the show.” The explanation couldn’t have been lamer if she’d tried. Luckily, Margaret let it go.
“Anyway, I wanted to let you two know that Jill will meet you in Calgary for the photo shoot. I’ve made arrangements for you to spend an extra day there, which will make it tight for you to get to Lethbridge, but it was the best I could do.”
“Let the fluffing begin,” Herman said wryly.
“Don’t worry,” Margaret said, “Jill will have an attractive male assistant on hand to look after you.”
Margaret winked at her before she turned her gaze to Stephen and pointed a finger at him. “And don’t you dare get jealous.”
“It’ll be an experience, I guess,” Herman said. A sense of smug satisfaction warmed her when she thought that for once, Stephen might feel the particular sick shade of green she experienced when a woman fawned over him. She began to look forward to it for that reason alone, she realized with a small amount of shame.
“Right,” Margaret said. “I’m off to the Calgary airport to pick up Charlie. Safe trip y’all.” She got up and left.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty about the attention you receive from Jill’s assistant,” Stephen said when the door closed, as though reading her thoughts.
“Don’t you feel guilty when women paw at you?”
“That’s different. The photographer won’t be doing it for the sole purpose of trying to get me into bed with her.” Stephen raised his eyebrows. “Speaking of getting into bed, I just had a thought. How would you feel about getting a set of boudoir pictures done together?”
“I’m assuming Jill wouldn’t need to fluff you for that.”
“You know me better than that.”
“Can I think about it?”
“Of course. Unless you’d like to wait until your belly is big to do it.”
“Oh, that’s sexy,” she said sarcastically.
“I think it will be.” His smile, which would normally melt her to her core, irritated her.
“In that case,” she said, turning to the mirror, “I’m glad you won’t be seeing Nina again while she’s pregnant.”
They removed their makeup in tense silence.
* * *
The next night in Calgary, the foursome sat in a lively bar that was dressed up like a barn with low stall walls around the tables. Stephen had agreed emphatically that Charlie was the perfect person for Herman to talk to about her pregnancy. He asked Margaret to dance, to allow them the chance to chat. But rather than being glad for the opportunity, Herman’s anxiety turned up a notch. The vision her father had blessed her with, of Stephen and Margaret groping each other on the dance floor the last time they danced together, was still fresh in her mind. She couldn’t resist the temptation to touch Charlie for a second, to see if she was able to do what her father had. Having no idea how long the ability would take to perfect, or how long she had to stay in contact with someone who knew her subject of curiosity, she didn’t expect much in the way of results. She was almost mentally knocked off her chair when she spied Stephen on the dance floor, dancing very closely—with herself. She must have let out a gasp; Charlie asked her if she was okay.
“I’m better than okay, actually.” Herman smiled, stunned but elated to see that although Stephen was dancing with Margaret, he wished he was with her. So it was with a certain amount of relief that she said the words to someone else for the first time: “I’m pregnant.” She felt as though it had come true with the speaking of it, and her heart skipped a beat.
“Congratulations!” Charlie said, taking her hand in both of her own; Herman tensed at the thought that she might sense something from Stephen. She didn’t; it seemed not to happen unless she was trying.
“You’re the only one either of us have told. We want to wait until Christmas, if possible, to announce it. But Margaret will probably figure it out before then.”
“Well don’t worry, she won’t hear it from me,” Charlie said, still smiling at the news. “How far along are you?”
“Um, about five days.”
Charlie stared mutely.
“I know what you’re thinking
. But Stephen knows. It’s a gift he has, and based on past experience, I believe him.”
“Coming from anyone else I’d be skeptical. How are you feeling?”
“Honestly? Not myself these past few days. I’m having mixed feelings, mostly because of Nina. I’m happy, but then I’m not, you know?”
“It must be damned confounding. But you know Stephen loves you with all his heart.”
“I know. At least I think I do,” Herman said. She played with a ring of condensation on the table left by her glass of Coke. “Did Margaret tell you about what happened the other night in Edmonton?”
“I wasn’t going to bring it up. How are you dealing with it?”
“I’m okay, I think. In a way it showed me that Stephen loves me, but at the same time …” At the same time, it seemed far too easy for him. “I can’t get it out of my head,” she said out loud. “I don’t know if I can forgive him.”
“I want to tell you something about Stephen.” Charlie rested her forearms on the table. “There was only one time during our coven days when I was alone with him. We were sitting in the playroom on the futon, waiting for the rest of them to show up. I remember the conversation we had like it was yesterday—it made that much of an impression on me. He confided in me that ever since he hit puberty, it seemed as though he’d been built for one thing: sex. He felt like people saw nothing in him beyond his looks. Sex was all they ever expected from him. It didn’t matter how good he was at anything else. Even his professors who were giving him the highest grades in the class—and they were well-deserved—looked at him as an object of desire. He said that while it was flattering, it made him feel directionless. Eventually he just gave in to it.” She shrugged. “What else would any hot-blooded teenage male do?
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