by Olivia Miles
Kim gave Andrea a funny look but went about shuffling the cards just the same. Andrea didn’t need to ask which game they’d be playing; it was always Rummy in their household, always on this porch.
Heather stood. “I’ll grab another glass for you, Andrea. Maybe some snacks, too.”
It was always pretzels, and Andrea wasn’t surprised when Heather returned with a bowl of them a brief moment later. Kim, meanwhile, was busy dealing.
They played one round—Kim won, which seemed to perk her up a bit—and then another, which also went to Kim.
Hating the lingering tension and feeling like their conversation last night was still unfinished, Andrea tried to lighten the situation. “Clearly, you played more hands with Mom than I did.”
It was meant to be a joke, something to lighten the mood, but Kim’s eyes flashed as she shuffled the deck again. “Of course. I still came back here every summer while you were working.”
Andrea knew that her sister was just stating facts, but it hurt all the same. “And that’s something I envy you for, Kim.”
Kim frowned, looking suitably surprised. “I don’t understand. I always thought you looked down on my decision not to prioritize my career the way you and Dad did.”
Andrea set down her cards and reached for her lemonade. She was going to need something stronger soon if this conversation continued to shift in this direction.
“I’m sorry if it came across that way.” She offered her sister an apologetic smile. “I guess I always felt judged and blamed for not having the time to give to family.” Or anyone else for that matter.
Kim sighed. “I guess I did blame you. It’s been hard not to take it personally when you chose work over us every time.”
“It didn’t feel like a choice,” Andrea explained. “But now…well, now I’m starting to wonder if it was, especially this past year. I distracted myself with my work. I should have been there more for you. For both of you.”
Heather’s face was redder than usual, and Andrea realized with a jolt that her sister had started to cry.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she said, fanning away their concern. “It’s just…been a long year. A bad year. But…it was bad for a long time before that.”
Andrea frowned, catching Kim’s eye. “You mean, with Daniel?”
Heather swallowed hard. “We’d been separated for a while. Before Mom died. I didn’t want to worry her.”
“But…but you could have told me!” Andrea insisted, but she knew that wasn’t true. She hadn’t been available. Not for lunch, or sushi dinners, or even coffee. Not even for a talk on the phone.
“But you and Daniel were so in love,” Kim said, blinking hard. “I don’t understand.”
“I’m not able to have children,” Heather said flatly. The porch went so quiet that the only sound that could be heard was the rustling of the leaves from the breeze coming off the lake.
Andrea knew that all her life, all Heather wanted was to be a mother, like their mother. This was quite possibly the worst thing that could have happened to her.
“Oh, Heather,” she said softly, coming around to sit closer to her. She looked at Kim, who appeared as unaware as she had been. “But there are other options…”
“Daniel didn’t want to try any other options. We’d had some hope, treatments, even going through an adoption agency at one point, only to have the mother change her mind at the last moment.” Heather’s tears ran fast and steady. “Daniel just wanted to move on from it. And I couldn’t. All I ever wanted was a family, and now…I have no hope of one.”
“Just because Daniel didn’t want to try doesn’t mean you have to stop.” Kim was pinching her mouth in the way she used to do when she was defending something. “You’re only a couple of years older than me. You could meet someone, try again.”
“And be hurt again?” Heather looked at her, searching for an answer that she probably knew none of them could give. “There’s no guarantee it would work out.”
“I hate to say it, Heather, but there’s no guarantee about anything in life,” Andrea said gently. “And what’s the alternative?”
But she knew the alternative. It was to live alone, be alone. Share your life with no one. It was the life she had signed up for, however unintentionally, only now she felt like she had a choice to make, and she didn’t know whether to listen to her head or follow her heart.
Heart. She almost smiled at that word.
Heather grew silent. “I just don’t know how much more disappointment and heartache I can take. It was…the loneliest experience.”
“But it didn’t need to be that way,” Kim said. “And it still doesn’t. You have us. You could have told me.”
Heather looked at her frankly. “And ruin your joy? You had just met the love of your life. You’ve been so excited about your wedding. You have an entire future ahead of you, full of all good things.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” Kim replied.
Andrea looked at her sharply. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’m not so sure that Bran is the guy for me or that I should be marrying him at all,” Kim said quietly. She gathered up the cards, pushing the deck away.
Andrea stared at her. “But you’ve done nothing but talk about this wedding for months!”
“Because I’m trying to get myself excited about it,” Kim said, shaking her head. “Bran’s a great guy, but I’m not his first priority. And this wedding, it’s not my wedding. It’s Lynette’s wedding.”
“I thought you adored Lynette,” Heather said.
Kim looked at her with a slacked jaw and then started to laugh, loudly. She laughed so hard that she clutched her ribs, long enough to eventually make Andrea and Heather exchange a nervous glance and join in, tentatively.
“You mean, you don’t love Lynette?” Andrea clarified.
“I can’t stand her!” Kim cried. “I tried to make myself like her. I tried to see her in a good light. I tried to be positive and tell myself it would all work out…”
“And here I thought that you found a replacement for Mom,” Heather said quietly.
Now Kim looked stunned. And, Andrea realized, very hurt. “That could never happen. And certainly not with Lynette. At first, I thought she was trying to fill Mom’s shoes, like she felt bad for me that Mom wasn’t here to help me plan everything. But this wedding is more about showing off to her friends than helping create something that Bran and I will enjoy.” She paused for a moment, and Andrea could tell that there was more she wanted to say. “She doesn’t want me to wear Mom’s dress.”
Heather’s brows shot up. This was the first they were both hearing of this!
“She doesn’t even want me to take that job I’m supposed to start. I know it’s just temporary, but it’s important to me.” Kim looked at Andrea, her eyes pleading.
Andrea nodded, feeling ashamed. “I know it is. And you should take it. I’m proud of you, Kim. And Mom would be too.”
“She wants me to be a society wife. She wants me to be like her. I just…I don’t know how much of myself I’m supposed to lose in the name of love.”
Heather reached out and squeezed her hand. “That’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the years.”
“And that’s a question I haven’t asked myself enough,” Andrea said softly. “I’ve never had to sacrifice anything, but now I realize, I might have sacrificed everything.”
“It’s not too late,” Heather said, looking at her hopefully. “A lot of women balance family and careers. Is that what you want?”
“I didn’t think so,” Andrea admitted. “But now…now I’m starting to realize that something was missing, and if I go back to the way things were, I wouldn’t feel satisfied anymore knowing what’s not there.”
“Are you talking about John?” Kim gave a little smile.
Andrea reached for her lemonade. “Maybe,” she said coyly. But it wasn’t just John. It was this island. This feeling. It was something sh
e’d lost along the way, and never found in the city.
“Well, he has my vote,” Heather said.
“And mine,” Kim agreed. She looked at Heather. “And so does Billy.”
Heather pulled in a shaky sigh. “Billy is…well, he’s Billy. He’s always been Billy.”
“And he always will,” Kim said gently.
“Look at my baby sister, so wise when it comes to love,” Andrea said, putting an arm around her.
Kim grumbled. “For other people. But not myself.”
“Have you talked to Bran about your concerns?” Heather asked.
“Yes. And no. I went along with it for a while, because I thought Lynette would lighten up, and because…because I loved him. And I think I still do. But I want to start my job. I don’t want to be pressured to live on Lynette’s terms. I want to be able to make my own choices about my wedding. And about my life.”
“Then you need to say all this,” Andrea said.
Kim nodded. “I know. I haven’t before because…well, I guess I was afraid of losing him. Only now I think he’s lost me.”
“Then now is the time. No regrets. That’s one thing I want to be sure of going forward, that nothing is left unsaid. That I left nothing behind,” Andrea said. And no one, either.
Heather exhaled a sigh. “That leaves us both with a lot to think about,” she said, looking at Kim.
“More like that leaves all of us with something to think about,” Andrea said, managing a smile. Because tonight, for the first time in longer than she could remember, tomorrow didn’t feel planned out or scheduled, and next month didn’t seem like a repeat of next week, either. Now, everything felt uncertain and even a little exciting. And she wasn’t quite ready to let that slip through her fingers just yet.
25
Kim
Since being back on the island, Kim had reverted to her old routine. She woke with the sun, tossed on shorts and a tee shirt, and padded down the curved stairs to the kitchen at the back of the house, where, if she was the first one up, she would brew coffee, or if Andrea had beat her to it, she helped herself to a mug with a splash of cream and a heavy helping of sugar.
Lately, Andrea hadn’t been going for her morning runs, meaning that today the kitchen was dark and quiet as Kim started the task of scooping coffee grounds into a fresh filter.
A knock at the door made her jump, but she smiled when she considered the possibility of Gemma or Leo or Billy or John stopping by. Just like in years past, their world was full here, their circle large, even if the island was small.
She set the coffee to brew and walked down the hall, unable to make out the figure behind the frosted glass-paned door. She undid the locks—silly, perhaps, but with so many tourists, it was a habit—and pulled open the door, her hand freezing on the handle when she saw Bran standing on the porch staring back at her.
He looked the same as always, with his brown tousled hair and deep-set eyes that had grown so familiar, but here, out of place from their usual lives, she felt like she was seeing him for the first time all over again. For a moment, she couldn’t find any words, even though it felt like a hundred thoughts were running through her mind at once. She started with the most obvious, and perhaps, the easiest.
“Bran? But…how did you know which house to go to?” A strange question, but a neutral one.
He gave her a sheepish grin. “I asked around. You were right. This is a small island, and I didn’t have to look too far to get my answer.”
She nodded. Of course, all the locals would know their house. The seasonal people too.
“Did you drive all night?” She couldn’t help but feel flattered, but she also felt confused. Just when she was starting to adjust to the idea of a future without Bran, he’d popped back up, leaving her feeling guilty and more than a little conflicted. She’d thought she was ready to walk away from the life they’d started to plan together—but now, she knew it wouldn’t be that simple. There was still something between them, and not just attraction. There were all those good memories, the knowledge of how he’d lifted her up when she’d needed it the most.
“I took the morning flight and caught the first ferry,” he replied.
Ah. That explained why he looked so fresh and rested. She hesitated, unsure of what to say or do next, not when she didn’t know why he was here. “Well, I was just making coffee. My sisters are still asleep. Why don’t I bring two mugs outside and we can sit on the porch?”
She felt eager for some space, a chance to clear her head and think, because he had sprung this visit on her just like he had sprung everything else—even, she realized, their engagement.
He nodded and walked over to the wicker seating. Kim left the door open, only the screen now separating them, and hurried back to the kitchen where the coffee was still dripping into the pot. She could have invited him in, of course. It wasn’t about making sure they didn’t wake her sisters. Her sisters were likely awake by now; Andrea for sure never slept this late. But this world was special. This house was sacred. And this island…it was their place. Their family’s place.
And Kim didn’t know how Bran fit into all that any more than she knew how she fit into his life.
When the coffee had finished percolating, she filled two mugs, preparing each cup the way they preferred, and carried them out to the porch, pushing open the screen door with her hip just as Bran rose to help her.
“I’m fine,” she said, even though that was very far from the truth. Her hands started to shake as she locked eyes with Bran and handed him the mug. He had made himself at home in her favorite chair on the porch. She knew this shouldn’t bother her, but it did. It felt like one more small, special part of her life that was being taken away.
She sat on the wicker couch instead. “How was the gala?”
It was a sore subject, but she wasn’t ready to delve deeper just yet.
“Boring. Those things usually are. But it would have been fun with you there.” His mouth pulled into a smile but his gaze was wary. “I meant what I said about wanting you by my side.”
She stared at him, her defenses softening again. For Lynette, it was all for status and show. But Bran had heart. The question was, did he still have hers?
“I’m surprised to see you.”
“I didn’t like how things ended between us,” he said. “And you didn’t take any more of my calls.”
She frowned, thinking of the calls that had stopped shortly after they had started that day in Grosse Pointe.
“I’ve called every day. Sometimes twice, three times a day.” He stared at her, and she believed him. Bran had done many things in recent months, but he’d never lied to her. “I didn’t leave any messages.”
“I don’t exactly have good reception here,” she pointed out, but that was only a half-truth. If she’d wanted to make an effort, she could have.
And he had.
“I didn’t even think you knew how to find me,” she admitted.
“Was that what you wanted?” There was hurt in his eyes that she didn’t like to see, enough to make her question herself all over again.
She didn’t know what she wanted, but she knew what she didn’t want. It was time, she knew, to have her say, to get it all out. Before it was too late, for her, or for them.
“Let’s go for a walk,” she said, setting down her mug. Her sisters would be interrupting them sooner than later and she needed to move, to clear her head, to get away from this feeling of being locked face to face with Bran and all the decisions that came with him.
He didn’t argue but instead set his mug beside hers, just as he had done a hundred times at least. Kim looked at the mugs for a moment, wondering if this was the last time they would share a cup of coffee, if this was the last time they’d talk at all.
She pulled in a breath and led him down the porch steps. She didn’t have a plan in place, however loose, and she turned left, toward town, because even though there would be more people there, no one would bother th
em.
“This is a beautiful place,” Bran surprised her by saying as they walked down the hill toward Main Street. The lake stretched far and wide to their right, and Kim kept it in her sights as much as possible, finding it easier to look at than Bran right now.
“It’s a special place,” she said quietly. “And it was important for me to come back here.”
She wondered with a jolt if he had come to try to convince her to return a few days early. If his mother had some new demand.
Or if he’d come to end things altogether.
She wasn’t sure which of those three scenarios was the worst at the moment. He’d only had a single bag with him, which he’d left behind on the porch. Anything was possible.
Instead, he said, “When I was coming up the hill, it looked exactly like that painting you have in your bedroom.”
She snapped her head to him. “I didn’t realize you’d even noticed that.”
“Of course I noticed!” He looked injured at her insinuation. “I pay attention to you, Kim. I guess I’ve just done a poor job of listening lately.” They fell silent as they walked more. “I can understand now why you wanted to come back here. I shouldn’t have tried to stop you. You were right that now was a good time, before the wedding, when everything gets crazy.”
She cleared her throat, remembering what her sisters had said. “To be honest, Bran, I’ve been a little worried that I won’t be able to come back here very often if I marry you.”
He stopped walking to stare at her. “If you marry me?”
She didn’t correct him.
“So there is a problem,” he said, shaking his head.
“Of course there’s a problem!” She tossed up her hands. “There’s been a problem ever since we got engaged, and I just haven’t said anything about it until now. Maybe that wasn’t fair of me. I was trying so hard to make this work, and I didn’t realize how much of myself I was giving up or how unhappy I was.”
“What are you telling me?” Bran’s eyes were injured when she finally looked at them.
She swallowed hard. “I’m saying that this entire wedding isn’t the way I wanted it. I mean, at first, maybe, but now it’s all wrong. I’m going to be wearing a dress I don’t like, even a veil I don’t want, and you seem to care more about taking a honeymoon that your mother chose rather than doing something that works for both of us. You know how much I’m looking forward to starting that job, but do you even know why?”
