He spun back to the plaza. “It can’t be!”
Smythe turned and ran back to him, his own sidearm out. He paused to gape as well. “Is that…a chicken?”
“A Calusian Brown, if I’m not mistaken. We should catch it!” Without waiting for his superior officer’s approval, he dashed after the stout fowl, who took off with surprising speed down one of the alleys.
“Jenkins, wait!” With a shrug of exasperation, Smythe took off after him. The shrug, however, had cost him. By the time he’d rounded the first alleyway, Jenkins was nowhere to be seen.
He tapped his comms and called for Jenkins but received no answer. He took an alley at random, came to a dead end, and sighed. He tapped his comms. “Jenkins, report!”
From somewhere distant, the cry of “LeRoy Jenkins!” echoed off the buildings.
Smythe heaved a sigh and reached for his tricorder, when a copper and white tube with a green gem caught his eye. “Hello. What’s this?”
He picked it up, pressed the button. The clamps around the gem flared open and the device made a high-pitched whine.
“Brilliant!”
* * *
“You know, Leslie,” Ellie said to Ensign Strauss, using her first name so the reader would be reminded of it, “I’d think for a redshirt, you’d be more wary of this situation.”
The two had been strolling along a boulevard lined with shops full of beautiful fashions and touristy items, every one bearing a sign which invited people to come in and enjoy without cost, and Leslie had suggested they check one out, “in the name of thoroughness, of course.” They were currently being thorough about the shoe section, which is not sexist at all, as the author, being a woman herself, believes that strong independent women can have fun with footwear as well as guns, monster trucks or construction equipment. In the buffet of choice, real women don’t diet.
“Oh, I’m an optimist,” Leslie said as she slipped on some candy-apple red heels. “I think the universe generally brings you good things.”
Ellie set down the clunky-but-cute combat boots she’d been considering. They looked like something her favorite Barbie would wear, but they weren’t really Ellie’s style. “Why are you in Security?” she asked.
“I’m kind of an adrenalin junkie. I get off on danger. Don’t worry; I’m not stupid. Lieutenant LaFuentes has only had to stun me once. Really, it was kind of a sacrificial move. The briefing was almost over and no one had asked a single question. I had to do something, or we’d have all been running laps around the hull.”
Leslie spoke in happy, admiring tones. Ellie knew it was more than her natural optimism. All of Security admired Enigo, even when he shot them and ran them hard. He just had that kind of charisma. Would she ever have that kind of leadership potential?
Remember. The bubbly, upbeat voice of an old cartoon character echoed in her head. You can do anything you set your mind to. If you don’t believe in yourself, who else will?
With a sigh, Ellie wandered toward the front of the store, where she’d seen a small book collection. When she rounded the tall display of maxi-dresses, she stopped short and gaped. A long-legged, slim-waisted, buxom woman in khakis and combat boots stood at the display, a book in her hands.
Barbie looked up with her trademark smile and flipped her perfect golden hair. She held out the book to Ellie. “I think this is just what you’re looking for. Remember: there’s only one you in all the universe. Be the best you there is!”
Dumbly, Ellie took the book and glanced at the title: Finding Your Leadership Style.
When she looked up, Barbie was gone.
“Leslie!”
* * *
Loreli, too, was “window shopping,” but for an entirely different reason.
“Enigo,” she said, “Do you not find it odd that the offerings in all these stores are particularly human-centric?”
Enigo was leaning against the plate glass window of the shop she was examining. She watched the shops; he watched the streets. His thumbs were tucked into his front pockets, and he looked almost bored. She knew, however, that this was a typical alert posture for him. As a child growing up on the UGS Hood, he had the ingrained ability to look disinterested and cool while being highly focused on his surroundings.
Now, he gave a cursory shrug and pushed himself off the glass. “The humanoid shape is the most common in the universe.”
“True, but the styles are particularly human. Gloves for five fingers, pants with no tail holes...”
“The town looks like a lot of colony worlds I’ve seen, too.” Enigo tapped his tricorder. “LaFuentes to Impulsive. Any chance we were scanned when we entered the system? How about when we teleported down?”
The voice of the second-string Ops Officer said, “Nothing that sensors caught. We have picked up an energy source that has gotten stronger since your arrival. We’re monitoring it, but there doesn’t seem to be any signs of danger.” He paused to snap back at the bridge security officer who was protesting that he should have delivered that line. “Any trouble there, sir? Should I alert the Captain?”
The hopeful tone in the man’s voice annoyed Enigo, if only because he knew he was secretly longing for some trouble himself. “Nah, we’re all cool. Can you pinpoint the source?”
“No, sir. It seems to be deep underground.”
“Let the others know. We’ll see if we can find anything here. LaFuentes out.”
Loreli regarded Enigo with concern. “You think we’re being watched?”
“Maybe. Mostly following up on your suspicions. Unless you were saying that for my benefit?”
At the snide tone in his voice, she drooped a little in apology. “Enigo, about the incident in my quarters. I had the best intentions.”
“Then you don’t know me well enough yet, Fronds,” he smiled and indicated that they should resume walking. As they strolled, he added, “Growing up on the Hood was constant conflict and danger – and we liked it that way. But there was always something to do – get in a fight, take out some zombies, steal some rival’s woman…”
“And yet you left.”
He paused to look down an alleyway, but with less show of urgency than his subordinate Jenkins. “Yeah, well, the Hood got too small for me. I didn’t want to be a warlord always fighting for the same turf. I wanted a reason that mattered more. Mami always said I was too smart for one ship. I like the challenges in HuFleet – visit strange new worlds, seek out new life, kick alien ass as needed.
“But you can’t shoot space weather. Three months on high alert, no release. I’m just on edge and putting up a lamp ain’t gonna make me feel better.”
“And if this planet proves to be just what it says it is, you won’t find much release here, either?”
“Only if there’s some Crip needing a takedown. Solero!”
Loreli raised a brow in a way that was inviting and attractive while still being professional. There was a skill to it. Two weeks of a Ship’s Sexy expressions course was devoted just to eyebrows. Facial Expressions 101 was the only class she’d had to take twice. As a plant-based life form, her movements were supple, but some things were just unnatural.
However, she had learned well in the end. Enigo understood her meaning and continued. “My main rival back on the Hood. Why he picked me, I don’t know. He was taller, heavier, stronger and just enough older to make a difference. Beat me up, took my food, seduced my first girlfriend…”
“He sounds terrible.”
Enigo shrugged. “He made me strong – and wily. Still, he didn’t have no honor. Too many didn’t anymore. Another reason I left for the Academy. I went back after graduation, looking for payback, but I didn’t find the benndero. They said he got taken by the zombies.”
“I don’t think I’d have liked your world, Enigo.”
“You gotta be born to it. You like this one better?” He waved to indicate the city around them and the planet at large.
“Some. At least the air is real, but it would be nicer to
be outside the city, where I could slip off my shoes and sink my feet into the ground, perhaps soak up water from a bubbling brook.”
“Hey look!” Enigo pointed down a narrow alley which ended in a foliage-covered archway.
They hurried down it and through the arch. It opened into a small but beautifully appointed park.
“Enigo!” Loreli gasped. She ran to the center of the lawn, where a brown patch of open dirt waited invitingly in front of a stone bench. She spun around, arms wide, taking in the sun, the open space, the beauty of the flowers. Then her arms lowered, and she looked at Enigo with a worried expression that she hadn’t practiced at all. “Enigo…is this too coincidental?”
He must have been thinking along similar lines. He had his tricorder out and was scanning the area. “All I’m picking up are plants and buildings. Not even a bee. Go ahead, take your shoes off.”
“Are you sure?”
He knew she was practiced in convincingly expressing all kinds of emotions. It was the times like this, when her real vulnerability showed through, that he enjoyed the most. “The sign did say to enjoy ourselves. Go on. I’ll see if I can find a watering can.”
She reached down to remove one shoe. That was a practiced move, but he couldn’t help but pause to admire it, anyway. Then he went to the fountain, which, if this was a made-to-order relaxation world, he’d find a can.
As he dipped the can into the fountain, his communicator went off. “LaFuentes.”
“Straus here. Have you seen anything…weird?”
He glanced back to where Loreli had her feet snuggled into the dirt and her face tilted blissfully toward the sun. “The whole planet’s weird, Ensign. Be more specific.”
“Doall saw a Barbie.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty human-centric. I’ll let Loreli know.” After I water her feet. The thought felt risqué and intimate. He liked it.
Doall broke his mood. “Doall here, sir. No, I saw a person that looked like Barbie. Barbie 57, in fact. You know the one that was the ninja astrophysicist flamenco dancer?”
“Doall, did you drink something here?”
“I mean it! She was real. She handed me a book, and when I looked at the title, she disappeared…like a ninja.”
“I’m not picking up any life signs,” Straus said.
“All right. Doall, report what you saw to Commander Smythe and the ship. Straus, put everyone on alert. They may have cloaking technology. I’ll get Loreli and meet you at the plaza.”
Enigo signed off and turned to call to Loreli. Behind the sunning and oblivious Botanical, six zombies shambled into the plaza. “Loreli!”
He pulled out his phaser and shot a wide beam toward the horde. Or tried to. The phaser didn’t function. With his thumb, he increased the power and tried again. Nothing. Grabbing the nearest weapon handy – the watering can – he sprinted toward Loreli.
In the meantime, Loreli had startled at his yell, and seeing the zombies, screamed. She rose to run, but her feet were buried in the dirt and she fell. Enigo rushed to her side and flung the heavy can hard. It smacked two of the zombies, sending them tumbling into the others. He reached down and grabbed her by the armpits, pulling her up and uprooting her feet. Her usually perfectly formed toes had elongated and the bottoms of her feet were fuzzy with tiny roots.
“Can you run?”
“My capillaries! I, I’ll try.”
“Do better, Fronds!” He said as half-supporting her, led from the quickly reorganizing horde. A few stumbling steps later, and it was apparent that she could barely walk, much less run.
With an apology as a warning, he scooped her into a fireman’s carry and pelted toward the nearest building with a strong looking door and narrow windows. The door opened easily into a parlor with comfortable chairs and elaborately carved cabinets. He set her down near a chair, then dashed back to lock and deadbolt the door. He made a quick case of the area, then started rifling through drawers.
Loreli sank into a chair, rubbing her feet and willing her roots to recede. “Enigo, I’m sorry. I’m so embarrassed.”
“Never mind that. Help me look.”
Still unable to put weight on her feet, she knelt before the nearest cabinet and opened the door. “For what?”
“If this is really Wish-Fulfillment-Central, some kind of weapon. Anything to let me take out those zombies.”
“Like this?” She handed him a shotgun and a bandolier of shells.
“Now, we’re talking! Wait here.” With a quick jerk of the shotgun, he chambered a round and headed into the other rooms, locking doors and windows and making sure the rooms and closets were indeed empty of threats. When he returned, Loreli had coaxed her feet into a more humanish shape.
“Can you walk?” he asked.
She nodded. “But not run. I didn’t find any other weapons.”
“That’s okay. Come on. Zombies don’t climb, and they aren’t fast on stairs, so I want you on the top floor, but we’re going to check each room first.” He led her upstairs. At the top of each staircase, he motioned for her to wait while, tricorder in hand and eyes constantly searching for what they didn’t pick up, he cleared each room. At the third floor, he led her to a large suite.
“Stay here.”
“You’re going back out there? Maybe we should teleport back to the ship instead.”
Spoilsport, a part of his mind groused, but he touched his comm badge and got static in reply. Loreli got the same result. “Phasers aren’t working, either, and we’ve got people out there. I’m going to take out those zombies, stop the bennderos responsible for this, and find and destroy whatever is blocking our comms.”
She crossed her arms. “All by yourself?”
He lifted one shoulder and felt the weight of the bandolier. He couldn’t help but smile. “It’s what I do.”
“I’m a trained HuFleet officer. I’m not completely helpless, even with my feet in the condition they’re in. And I’m hardly going to succumb to zombieism.”
His eyes narrowed, but she had a point. He knew that the fronds that passed for her hair could fire off spikes with a powerful punch. “All right. Find a weapon – and some practical shoes. I’ll do recon and come back for you, and we’ll head back to the plaza. Stay here until I do, comprende?”
He opened the balcony doors and looked down. The street below was empty, as were the windows of the neighboring buildings. He looked up. It was an easy climb to the roof, but the last thing he wanted was to die by falling because he slipped stupidly. Nah, if he had to die, it would be heroically and tragically. He grabbed his phaser. His was a custom job, equipped with a small Einstein battery that let him convert phaser energy into a select number of small objects. If the phaser could access the battery still…
He picked his setting and pressed the trigger. A warm hum rewarded him, and then a small anchor appeared at the end of the barrel. Bueno!
He gave Loreli a cocky salute as he rappelled up the side of the building to the roof. He was feeling better already!
A quick scan of the roofline told him there were not threats in sight, and that the buildings along one side of the block were close enough to jump from one roof to another if need be. Could Loreli? Her species had an instinctive fear of falling.
He ran to the edge of the roof and peered down into the plaza. He gaped at what he saw. The zombies were not clawing at their door as he’d expected, but mingled by the fountain, grunting and gesturing to a tall young man in gang colors. Solero!
“No fracking way,” he muttered. Solero hadn’t become a zombie – he was leading them. But how the hell did he get stuck on this planet?
Before he could chew on that mystery, he caught sight of a shadow where one shouldn’t be and rolled quickly just before a sword cut into the stone where his head had been. He barely registered the buxom blonde in a shozoku of mottled pinks and grays before he’d kicked her away. She fell into an athletic backward summersault, then took another swing at him as she rushed by, leaping off the
roof onto a balcony, then to the top of the large stone fish that adorned the fountain. He heard her shout but could not make out the words. It didn’t matter. Her meaning was plainly clear; Solero looked up in his direction, then he and she took off down an alley while the zombies dispersed in several directions.
He tapped his communicator and found it still dead. He couldn’t let Solero get away.
“Sorry Loreli.”
He took a run and leaped onto the next roof.
* * *
Ellie placed her book into a cute little backpack from one of the displays. She felt a little silly grabbing one but justified it by selecting one with markings similar to the alien language. It could be some brand name, which would tell them nothing, but maybe there were clues in the letters. Besides, the book was the only proof she had to support her theory.
“So you think this planet is physically manifesting our thoughts?” Leslie asked. She, too, had selected a backpack, but she had packed it with shoes and a sexy sundress that was coincidentally her size.
“It’s the only thing that makes sense. Why else would I see a favorite character from my childhood just as I was remembering the show? And Commander Smythe found a sonic screwdriver, whatever that is.”
“And LeRoy found a chicken. It’s crazy. I mean, doesn’t this place beg for something a little more exciting? Like, I dunno, Don Juan?”
“You’re kidding me, right?”
“Oh, come on. In a place this romantic, wouldn’t you want to encounter someone seductive and a little dangerous? Doesn’t that get your blood hot?”
“Ew, no.”
“Oh, I’m sorry! Do you…?”
“No! Just, Don Juan? That’s gross.”
“Forget I brought it up. Come on. Let’s get back to the plaza.”
“Shouldn’t you change your shoes?”
Leslie looked at the red heels and laughed. “In case we run into Ninja Barbie or need to chase a chicken? I’ll switch them before we get to the plaza. I want to hear the heels against the cobblestones.”
Hold My Beer Page 13
