by Peggy Jaeger
Now, Lucas did. Just having him hold me while we watched television filled me with such a wealth of peace and contentment, my mind was able to calm and relax and therefore sleep better and longer. Gone were the previous one a.m. marathon baking sessions because my mind wouldn’t settle down. Having Lucas as a part of my personal life had cured my insomnia.
Too bad I couldn’t bottle the feeling and offer it to insomniacs everywhere. As Colleen is fond of saying, we’d make gazillions.
My current state of serenity was put into perspective the day Robert was due to be picked up by his mother, when Sarah commented I hadn’t baked any extra cookies or cupcakes for over a week.
Robert glanced up from where he was practicing his decorating piping skills on a parchment paper and agreed. “Granddad asked last night why I hadn’t brought home stuff from you this week. I told him you’d been too busy to bake.” He shrugged. “He kinda grumbled and said something under his breath I didn’t catch.”
Guilt ran through me at the thought that I’d been busy but not with the inn. I promised him I’d make something over the weekend. A little while later, Sarah left for the day and I told Robert to go wash up since I knew Lucas would be by soon to pick him up.
I was rinsing the pastry bags when I felt a pair of familiar tree-trunk arms slide around my waist. I hadn’t heard him come into my kitchen. Of course, the fact I’d been daydreaming about the night we’d spent together could have had something to do with my nonattentive state.
“You smell good enough to eat.” Lucas’s lips trailed down my temple.
“That’s buttercream frosting,” I said, cocking my head to give him better access.
His deep chuckle reverberated down my spine. He kissed my cheek, then spun me around.
Laughter filled his eyes. “Whatever it is, it’s making me…hungry,” he declared right before his lips clamped down on mine.
We were in my kitchen in broad daylight where any of my workers could see us if they happened by, and I never even considered pulling away from him. I should have, goodness knows. But I simply couldn’t. The contentment of being held by him, the taste of his kiss, uniquely flavored and intoxicating, and the undeniable wave of love flowing through me were powerful motivators in dismissing everything else but this moment with this man.
His hands skimmed down my back, cupped my butt, and lifted me up on my toes.
“You’re a walking ball of hunger,” I managed to say between kisses. “Nothing satisfies you.”
“You do.” He pressed his forehead against mine, kissed my nose. His sigh drifted over me and sailed right to my soul. If ever there was a moment to tell him what was in my heart, what had been in it for years, it was now.
Fear kept me silent. It didn’t, though, prevent me from sliding my arms around his neck and pressing myself against him in what Nanny would have termed a wanton display.
Lucas didn’t seem to mind my overt action at all, evidenced by the way his eyes narrowed and focused. His lips crashed down on mine, and one of his knees parted my thighs and rubbed across the front of my jeans.
Talk about wanton displays.
Instant lust bounded through me when his tongue slipped between my lips and claimed mine as a reward.
How had I survived thirty-two years without this man’s touch? His kiss? His attention?
His fingers drifted up my back and untied my apron. Then, he slipped his hands under my T-shirt and skimmed them up along my ribs to find the cups of my bra. His fingers glided over the material covering my nipples.
“Have I told you how much I love how soft your underwear is?” he said between nibbling my lips. “It’s almost as soft as what’s underneath it.” I gasped when one of his fingers slid beneath the edge and scraped along the now bullet-hard area.
“Dad.”
The shock exploding in the room shot me straight out of Lucas’s arms so fast it was a miracle I didn’t slam into the sink behind me. Robert stood in my kitchen, his face devoid of color save for the two cherry-red spots flashing over his cheeks. Eyes wide, mouth twisted into a scowl, his hands were fisted at his sides primed to hit something. Anger slashed across his face as his gaze darted between his father and me. A silent accusation seeped from every pore as he stared his father down.
I can only imagine how we’d looked, standing there, groping one another like horny teenagers. There could be no mistake about our intentions.
“Robert.” Lucas’s voice shook with emotion as he walked toward his son, hands up, palms out in a pleading hold. His neck bobbed as he swallowed. “Son.”
“How could you?” he yelled. I wasn’t sure his question was only for his father.
“Robert, listen. You don’t understand—”
“I’m not an idiot, Dad. I know what you were doing with Maureen and it’s…it’s—” He threw up his fisted hands and glared at me. In that moment, I recognized another emotion flowing through him: hurt.
Shame bounded through me, hit up against sorrow, and warred with regret.
“Son, let me explain. It’s not what you think,” Lucas said reaching out a hand to the teen.
The boy recoiled and stepped past him. “Seriously, Dad? That’s what you have to say to me; it’s not what I think? So, what I saw wasn’t you feeling Maureen up? Wasn’t you practically on top of her where anyone could see you?” He shot by me, slicing me with a look so cutting I was afraid if I looked down I’d see my skin pumping blood.
“Robert—”
“I can’t believe you.” He stopped and turned back to his father. “You preach all that garbage about how to act with girls, about the consequences of stuff I do and taking responsibility with how I treat people, and I find you dry humping in a kitchen? You’re no better than some dirty old man.”
My cheeks were on fire, and from the shock burning in Lucas’s eyes, he was just as embarrassed at his son’s words.
“I’m outta here,” he declared shrugging off his father’s second attempt to grab him.
“Bobby—”
“Don’t,” he spat at me. “Just…don’t.” Tears choked his voice and shimmered in his eyes. On a sob, he bolted from the room.
“Fuck.” Lucas dragged his hands through his temples and chugged in a quart of air. “I’m sorry, Maureen. I’ll make him understand how it is between us.” He reached out and grabbed my upper arms.
“He’s hurt—”
“He’s not hurt; he’s surprised. And acting like a hothead, exactly like my old man. He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. To me, either.”
I pulled out of his hold and wrapped my arms around my midsection, suddenly chilled. “I’d be surprised too if I found my father like…” I flipped my hand in the air. I shook my head again, then ticked it in the direction Robert had fled. “Go on. Go take him home. Nora’s probably waiting for him.”
“Maureen—” He took a step toward me with his hands stretched out. When I stepped backward and shook my head, he flinched.
“No, Lucas. Go. Please. Just go. It’s…it’s better this way.”
He stopped right in front of me, cupped my chin, and forced me to look up at him. “What the hell does that mean?”
Tears cascaded down my cheeks. I’d gone into this relationship with Lucas knowing there was an end date. There had to be. Robert’s reaction pushed the end date closer than I wanted, but it only served to remind me Lucas and I had no future together.
I repeated my plea.
His lips pressed together in a line so tight they blanched. “I’m coming back here, later, Maureen. We’re gonna talk about this.”
Too tired to argue, I dropped my chin to my chest.
With another oath splitting from between his lips, Lucas sprinted after his son.
After Eileen died, my body went numb and the emotional part of my mind shut down.
Not exactly a surprising reaction.
I operated on autopilot, my subconscious taking control of my life. It allowed me to concentrate on running the da
y-to-day operations of the inn, helped me get through each day upright and not dissolve in a puddle of anguish. Having the inn to see to, Cathy had commented, helped focus me, helped guide me through the grief of losing my twin. Gave me a purpose.
She wasn’t wrong. If I hadn’t promised Eileen I’d do everything I could to make the inn a success, I don’t know how I would have coped. So I conceded to the logical, nonemotional part of my brain and let it guide me through the daily motions. Doing mundane things like buying paint and laying carpet, picking out china patterns, deciding on menus, all helped pass the time.
Until the day my brain finally decided I was ready to deal with my loss.
By then, Eileen had been gone three months. Ninety days without her next to me as she’d been every day since the moment we’d been conceived. My heart was still broken, yes, but keeping busy kept me from falling apart.
When Lucas walked out of the inn to chase after his son, once again my subconscious took over.
I had a business to run, food to prepare, guests to see to. I couldn’t let the hurt from Robert’s reaction prevent me from doing so. I had responsibilities.
Luckily, none of my workers had been a witness to the scene. My fingers instinctively rolled out dough to make the next morning’s pastries. Soup stock for tomorrow’s lunch simmered in a pot on my stove as I cut and tossed in vegetables without thought.
I worked through the rest of the afternoon, late into the evening, never stopping. When I did, I had enough food prepped for the next week.
Just as I settled the inn for the night and started walking up to my apartment, Lucas knocked on my back door.
I wanted to ignore him but knew that would solve nothing.
“Lucas, what—”
He grabbed me into a hug so fierce it stopped the words from being expelled. His entire body engulfed me. It took me a moment to notice he was shaking. A cavernous breath broke from him as he laid his head on top of mine.
After a few moments, he asked, “Can we go upstairs and talk. Please?”
Resigned, I nodded.
“You want something to drink? Eat?” I asked once he was seated on my couch.
He shook his head and patted the seat next to him. “Come sit next to me.”
I wasn’t sure I could say what I needed to say if I did, so I shook my head and planted my butt across from him in my lounge chair.
“I think it’s better if I don’t,” I said.
Lucas leaned forward, his elbows balanced on his knees. “Talk to me, please. Tell me what you’re feeling. I know Robert upset you.”
“I think it’s truthful to say seeing us…like that…upset him, more.”
“He’ll get over it. It was just a shock.”
It was more and I said so. “He sounded angry, Lucas, but the expression on his face, in his eyes…he looked…shattered. Like he did when he found out you and Nora were divorcing.”
Lucas swatted his hand in the air. “That was different. Plus he was younger. A kid never wants to see their parents break up, that’s normal.”
“Still—”
“He didn’t know we were together, Maureen. We’d decided to keep it from everyone for a while, remember? He was simply surprised to find me kissing you. I think he’d be shocked to see me kissing anyone, but he’ll get used to the idea of you and me together. He adores you. Give him a few days to cool off, spend time with his mother. When he comes back and sees how it is between us now that we won’t be keeping it hidden anymore, he’ll be fine. I know he will.”
“No.”
“Yes. Trust me, I know my son. He’s a typical teenager. Runs hot and emotional, acts like the world is ending, then calms down.”
“No, Lucas.”
Something in my tone must have filtered through because his face paled and his eyes narrowed as he stared across at me.
“What do you mean, no?”
“Robert won’t have to get used to seeing us together.”
If possible, his color blanched even more. Knowing what I was about to say was going to hurt him, and hating that I had to do it, I stood and moved into my apartment kitchen. Diversionary tactics weren’t only for Nanny’s benefit.
Lucas followed me.
“Why not?”
I filled the teapot and placed it on the stove. My hands were trembling so much it took me two tries before I could fill it without splashing water over the sides.
“I knew when we started this…thing, between us, it would eventually have to end. I imagined we’d have a little more time together before it did, though. I didn’t count on it being so soon, but Robert’s reaction forced me to see the inevitable.”
That beautiful mouth I’d lost myself in kissing was flat, his forehead trenched as he squinted at me. His hands were fisted at his sides like his son’s had been, prepared to do battle.
“What do you mean the inevitable? You’re talking like it’s over between us.”
“It is. It has to be.”
Shock exploded across his face. “Why?”
“Because it does!” The thin tether on my emotions finally snapped.
Lucas slid his hand around my arm. “You’re arguing like a two-year-old.”
I wiggled to be set free, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“Tell me why you think we have to break up, because from where I’m standing, that’s not an option. It can’t be because you don’t feel anything for me, Maureen. I know you. You would never have gone into this with me if you didn’t.”
“So what if I do?” I yelled. “It doesn’t change anything.” I gulped in a huge chug of air and pulled for calm. “It’s better this ends now before emotions get the better of us and we start saying things we have no business saying to one another, or thinking about things we can’t have, like a future together.”
“Too late.”
My entire body stilled. “What do you mean, too late?”
“All I can think about, all I’ve been able to think about for years is a future with you.” He slid his other hand around my waist and held me close, his eyes so filled with emotion I was mesmerized, unable to turn away from them. “I’ve been in love with you for so damn long.” He shook his head. “I don’t even know when I started feeling this way. It seems like forever. But I love you, Maureen, and I’ve been waiting to tell you because like I said, I know you. I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”
He was right, I wouldn’t have. Didn’t, now.
“You can’t be.”
“You know me better than that. I never say anything unless I’m absolutely, one hundred percent sure. I’ve been going slow with our relationship, letting you dictate the terms because I knew, if I told you, you’d have run scared. But I’m not waiting any longer. I love you, and I believe we do have a future together, so much so I’m gonna say this right now because you need to hear it.”
He pushed away from me but kept me at arms’ length. When he took a deep breath, his gaze fixed on me, so intense, so powerful, I swear I would have slid to the floor had he not been holding me.
“This isn’t exactly the way I pictured telling you this, asking you, but this craziness about us breaking up is forcing my hand. I want us to be together, all the way together, for the rest of our lives, Maureen.” He chugged in another breath. “I want you to marry me.”
For a moment, I didn’t comprehend his words. He wanted to marry me? Me?
When the full import sank in of what he was saying, my entire body began to shake. The banging clatter of my knees knocking together was audible in the quiet room.
“The day we went tuxedo shopping? In the restaurant when the waitress said what a nice family we were? All I wanted was for it to be real. That we be a family. You, me, my emotion-laden teenaged son. And any other kids you and I make together. I want all that. With you. Only with you.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s not what this is supposed to be. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“No? What was it supposed
to be then? What did you expect was gonna happen? We’d keep on sleeping together without anyone knowing, like it was something dirty and tawdry? That we’d be fuck-buddies until we’d had our fill of one another?”
I slammed my eyes shut at the harsh words. “Don’t. Don’t degrade it, Lucas.”
“I’m not the one degrading it.” With his head tilted, he asked, “You don’t believe I love you, do you? That I want to marry you and make a life with you?”
The teapot whistled, jarring me so much I jumped. Lucas reached over with one hand and casually moved it to the back burner, flicked the knob to the off position. His other continued to hold my arm.
“Answer me,” he commanded, in that calm voice I knew was anything but.
“I-I don’t…I can’t marry you,” I said. His eyes went flat. “I can’t marry anyone,” I added, quickly. “Ever. It’s not…not in the cards for me.”
That head tilt got more pronounced. “Why not?”
“I just…can’t. Please, Lucas, don’t push me on this.”
“Too bad. You owe me an explanation. I’ve just laid my heart bare to you, said things I’ve never said to any other woman, including my ex-wife who I only married because she was pregnant. I deserve to be told why you can’t bring yourself to marry me, to accept that I love you.”
“It’s not you,” I said, then winced at how lame it sounded. “It really isn’t. It’s one hundred percent me. I can’t…commit to a future. With anyone.”
“Again, why not? You’re not living a secret life are you? Not already married to someone else and none of us know it?”
“Of course not.”
“You’re not planning to run away, then, are you? Disappear from Heaven for some undisclosed reason?”
I shook my head.
“You’re not dying of some horrible disease, are you?”
I gasped, then dropped my gaze to the floor, my shoulders sagging. In a heartbeat, Lucas gripped both my arms again.
“Jesus, Maureen, you’re not…sick…are you? Like Eileen? Jesus, you’re twins, everything is alike, your DNA, everything. You don’t have…cancer, do you? Please tell me you’re not sick.”
