by Bex Dane
It feels good to finally talk about it. "I don't. I really don't love her and I hate the pressure to keep pretending I do."
"Who's putting that pressure on? You." He squeezes the base of my neck with his strong hand. "You don't have to love her. You can hate her. She dies alone, that's her problem. She's toxic and you move on without her. Find people who love you for who you are, like your roommates."
Thinking about Tash and Laith makes me smile. "That was pretty cool. I was surprised they stood up for me."
The warmth of his hands caresses down my back, and he stops to hold my hips. It's like a big hug. "I don't think you realize how much people love you."
That's really sweet. He's right about Laith and Tash. They wouldn't have done that if they didn't care about me. Cutter did it too, so that must mean he cares too. "Thanks."
He's looking up at me with his sky blue eyes and he's so open. We're connected. He's seen me ugly cry, and he's still looking at me like I'm the prettiest girl he's ever seen. He absolutely didn't let anything my mom said penetrate. He respects me and he knows she's full of lies.
Something changes in his eyes and they darken. His mouth softens and his hand snakes up my back and twines into my hair at the nape of my neck. He pulls my lips down to his and I'm so worn out, so into the moment, I let it happen.
The gentle kiss feels rough and soft. His stubble tickles my chin and my lip and he tastes like smoke and heat.
My body responds with flips and twists in my tummy. Kissing him is the sexiest thing ever. But it's more than that. There's so much unsaid in his tongue and his obvious desire for me. He's saying I'm worthy, I mean something to him, he's sorry my mom hurt me, he wishes he could make it better, he wishes the kiss would take away all my pain.
Of course, I hear what I want to hear. He didn't say any of those things. He said, I don't think you realize how much people love you. Big difference and I shouldn't assume he included himself when he said people. Either way, the kiss is exactly what I need right now.
He's not moving his hips to grind us together like he did in the cabin. He's keeping a careful distance between us down there, honoring the imaginary boundary we're dancing around.
The truth is I'm relieved. I'm too drained to deal with the pressure that comes with taking this further. I like our chaste kiss which is his nice way of communicating to me he likes me and he supports me. It doesn't mean any more than that, so I have to end it before I get lost in it and lost in him.
I force my lips to stop devouring his and press our foreheads together as we both take a much-needed breath. "Thank you."
"My pleasure." He smiles and it melts my heart. Strong and sweet. Cutter Twist is strong and shockingly sweet.
After a few more moments of staring at each other, he shakes his head and slowly lifts me off his lap. I fall onto the bed a little and he stands up. The massive bulge in his jeans is super obvious. I haven't even seen it yet, but I feel like I've spent lots of quality time with his dick.
He rubs his hair. "You okay? I need to uh… drive home now."
"Yeah, yeah. Me too. I mean I have to unpack, upload the video, stuff like that."
He walks to the door. "Get some rest." He stops with his hand on the knob. "I enjoyed ghost hunting with you," he says quietly.
"It was incredible. My mom ruined some of the afterglow, but she can't take away the fun we had." I'm already feeling better remembering our night on the Queen Mary.
"Don't let her bother you. She's wrong. Nothing wrong with anything you're doing here. You're doing right by the world and for yourself."
My cheeks turn hot at his compliment. I doubt I'm doing anything right for the world, but I like that he thinks that.
"It's rare, you know," he continues. "People who lift you up just by being joyful. You're bright like the sun. Brought some much-needed light to my dark heart."
Aww. For a guy who keeps his emotions to himself, he opened up and put it all out there in a few sentences. I really appreciate that. I don't want him to have a dark heart. "We all need some lightness and joy. No reason to live in the dark."
He nods and looks down. "Yeah."
As he walks out, he passes the empty living room. Tash and Laith have gone into their room and closed the door.
I follow Cutter to my pink door and watch him leave. He keeps his head down as he walks around to the back of the building.
It's silly of me, but I take a few steps around the corner to watch him get in his truck. This might be it. I might never see him again. I'll never know all his secrets or get a chance to heal his pain. I might never see his big beautiful dick.
He drives out of the lot without a wave.
Now I'm confused about my vow. I didn't sleep with him. I held back and so did he.
I should be immune to this pain, but I'm not. A sinking emptiness fills my chest as I watch his tail lights fade.
We held back physically, but emotionally, we still gave to each other. My vow can't protect me. I can't hide from men my entire life. I have to learn to take risks like this. Watching him leave hurts, but it was worth it. I can't force Cutter Twist to stay in my life, but I can cherish the time I spent with him. He shared parts of himself with me like a gift without expecting anything in return. I'm better and stronger for having known him.
Chapter 14 Losing Battle
Cutter
Instead of looking for info on Arthur Morganstein, I'm spending another hour watching her YouTube videos. Three weeks since I've seen her, and I haven't made any progress on the missing girls.
Watching the last two years of Cass's life on her channel is much more interesting to me. At first she mused about aliens and planned trips to Area 51, but she never really went anywhere. She worked at the Mac counter at the mall and went through a celebrity model phase where she recorded tutorials copying their makeup styles. Then a lot of gory zombie and Walking Dead tributes and lately she's been doing the ghost hunting videos, which are by far the most popular.
"What's that lameass song?" Foster asks as he pokes his head in my cabin.
"I don't know, but it's funny as shit because she's sitting there waiting for a ghost to knock on the wall and the song matches perfectly." It's a cheesy song from the 70s about knocking three times on the pipe if you love me. That ghost was knocking her pipes all night long.
Foster chuckles. "How's she doing?"
"Don't know. Haven't talked to her."
He steps inside and leans his back on the wall near the door, arms crossed over his chest. "You get her number?"
"I got it."
He raises his eyebrow like why am I sitting here watching her videos and I haven't called her?
"She's a good girl."
"Yeah?"
"She doesn't need my shit."
He walks in and sits down next to me at my kitchen table. He hasn't even said much yet, and he's already figured me out and got me on the defensive.
"She asked me not to lead her on," I say.
"Calling her is not leading her on."
"If I call her, it means something."
"So call her." He points to her image on the screen.
"I'm not ready for that," I reply as I'm watching her checking out the room on the Queen Mary.
"You ever gonna be ready?" he asks me.
"Probably not." There's some fires that burn deep in my gut that will always keep me from taking on a woman like Cass. I can't do that to her.
"So you're gonna let her go?"
"Trying to, but…"
The video cuts to my face when we first saw the creepy guy on the deck, pans back to the guy, then back to my face. I'm watching her freak out and grinning at her. It changes to slow motion and a dreamy song. I look happy. Happier than I've been in a long time. I like looking at her, watching her, being with her. Then the music changes to wild again and the camera goes wonky as we're running back to the stateroom. You can hear her squealing and my laughter. Yeah, I like being with her.
"She's th
inking about you too," Foster says.
"Yeah." She edited the video to focus on my face as I'm looking at her. She left my laughter on the soundtrack here and other places. She likes being with me enough to take time to add me to the video like that.
"You guys had fun." Foster states the obvious that for any other guy would be normal, but he knows me. He knows that smile she caught on camera is rare. He also knows she saw it too and put it in slow motion to highlight it.
"Yeah."
"Okay. Your call." He holds up his hands and stands. He knows better than to push me on this. I'll just push back and no progress will be made. He knows I have to work this out on my own. "All I can say is, I tried to fight it with Mila. Losing battle."
"Did you ever think she'd be better off without you?"
He nods. "I was messed up. I thought I wasn't good enough for her. Thought she'd never leave her life for me. Didn't see a way we could make it happen. In the end, I couldn't resist her pull. She's meant to be mine. Nothing anyone could do to stop it."
I smile and turn back to the video. "Thanks."
"Don't underestimate yourself and what you're capable of. She'd be lucky to have you."
I shake my head. "Appreciate you trying, but we both know what lies within."
His eyes darken and his jaw grows tight. "Solid gold beneath your scars, Cut. All that shit before is ancient history. I'm your dad now. You got family to take your back. You'll never fight alone again. Like you told Marshawn, don't worry about the past. Your life from here on out is gonna be good. So I think if you got a chance at something that makes you happy, you deserve it. Take it and make it yours."
On the screen, Cass is talking to the plumbing again. "Thanks, Dad."
"Love you, kid." He touches my shoulder.
I have to chuckle because he's only eleven years older than me, but he's right. I'm not the same kid who was a helpless victim. I know how to fight now, and I have a good family to back me up. I'm proud of the work I've done here and the cabins we've built.
"Does this mean you're giving up on Arthur?" he asks me.
Just the mention of his name switches all my positive vibes to angry black clouds. "Fuck no."
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves," he warns.
Okay. He's taking this wise father role a step too far. He knows all about the need for revenge, and I've seen him dole out justice with his fists many times over the years.
"I'm not giving up on him and I'm not dying. He's hurting people. No one even suspects him except me. Not giving up."
He crosses his arms and walks slowly out of my cabin. "Okay. I trust you. But let me know if you need me."
I nod, but I'm not dragging him into this one. He's too damn cautious. Always trying to stop me from getting into trouble. This one I have to learn for myself.
After twenty more minutes of debating and pretending like I'm back on Arthur's trail, the urge to contact her burns strong. Like Foster said. Losing battle.
Chickening out on the phone, I send her a text.
Me: Got any new ghost stories to tell me?
As I'm reading the comments on our Queen Mary video, floating dots tell me she's seen the message and she's writing me back.
Cass: Hey. No new ghosts. I'm in zombie mode now.
Me: Halloween party?
I'm passive aggressively asking if she's going to a Morganstein party.
Cass: House of Horror tomorrow night in South Central. Should be fun.
My gut twists hearing she's got any kind of business in South Central.
I search her channel for House of Horror and find last year's show. I dial her phone as the video shows her laughing with her roommate Tash as they accidentally drop a huge tub of glitter to the floor.
"Hey, Cutter." Her voice is happy and bright. Like hearing from me isn't the beginning of her demise. But that's why I called her. I knew she'd be open to me. She's kind like that.
"What happens at these horror gigs?" I'm about to find out by watching the video, but I want to hear her reasoning.
"I turn people into zombies. Then I turn myself into a zombie and attack people. We make money and donate it to the school district." I can hear rustling on her end like she's settling in on a couch or somewhere to talk to me. I like that she's giving me her full attention.
"You do this for free?" She said she works hard to make money but this looks like a charity event.
"I do but I've made some great contacts there."
Ah. She's always thinking of her business and making contacts, but I can hear it in her voice. She lives for this shit. "Are Tash and Laith going with you?"
"Not this time. They can't make it."
"You can't go to South Central alone and do something fucking insane like acting like a zombie and scaring the shit out of some gang bangers."
She makes an indignant grunt and starts firing back at me like she always does when I warn her to be careful. "It's not dangerous inside the Fairplex. You're overreacting. I did it last year and it was fine."
Her video from last year showed her arriving at the Fairplex. I didn't see many people in the background, but it's still South Central and not the place for her to be alone.
"What time does this thing end?"
"Eleven. Why?"
I'll admit. It's safer inside the Fairplex than outside, but she'll still be out in the parking lot alone late at night.
"You carry any weapons?"
"Like what?"
"Pepper spray, a kuboton." She can't walk around that parking lot with nothing to protect her if things go wrong.
"What's a kuboton?"
"It's a hard pointed stick you carry on your keychain so you can jab it into someone's eye or neck or anywhere you can reach to disable them and keep them from attacking you."
"Oh." She sounds shocked by my description. "No. I don't have one of those."
"I'll get you one." The girl is lucky to be alive down there with all her "networking" and hanging out in haunted places.
"All right. Anyway, I can get someone to walk me to my car, but it's really a myth that it's that dangerous. People are nice."
She's too altruistic and trusting. "I grew up there. I know exactly what the risks are and you're not doing that alone."
"It's really not up to you." There's the sass I like to see from her. It won't work on me, but I like to see it.
Skipping ahead on the video, I see her dressed as a bloody and demented nurse wandering around in a mental ward.
"What time does it start?" She's totally vulnerable like that. Anyone could attack her and think it was part of the show.
"I have to be in the costume department to do makeup at three p.m. Doors open at six. Why?"
Now there's no doubt I'm going with her. If I don't, I'll never forgive myself if she gets hurt. "I'll pick you up at two-thirty."
Her little gasp of air gives her away. "You don't have to do that." She's being polite, but there's an undercurrent of stress in her tone. She knows this means something.
"I'll come down and take you. Don't leave without me." Now that I've said it, it feels right.
"Okay." She sounds like she's smiling, which makes me smile. "You'll see how fun it is."
I can't imagine how this will be pleasurable for me, but if there is anyone I could enjoy it with, it would be her.
"I have permission to record it for my channel. If you're there, I can't promise you won't end up on screen," she warns, which she didn't do last time.
"I already saw myself in the Queen Mary vid."
She pauses for a long time. "I'm sorry I should have asked for your consent. Do you hate it?"
I stand up from my kitchen table and move to my bedroom. I always think of her in my sheets. How she woke up with a headache, confused, yet when my brothers came in she put on a smile and told Mace an entertaining story about aliens. She has inner strength. "I don't hate it. It's good." I lie down on my back in the bed and relax into the conversation. I'm not
really a phone call guy, but I like hearing her voice.
"The ghost vids are a big hit," she says, agreeing with me about her channel being good, but she's still not giving herself credit.
"It's not the ghosts they're liking." I say it slowly and leading so she gets the message.
She laughs awkwardly. "What do you mean?" She knows what I mean, but I'm going to tell her too.
"They like you. All the comments are about you and how funny and how captivating you are."
"Oh, those are just fans." I'm hitting on something here. She's playing it down, but it's obvious she has a huge fan base and they love her, not ghosts.
"They go apeshit for all your vids. No matter the topic." She needs to hear someone say it. She's relaxed and sexy when she's on camera. Her fans love her positive vibe, the way she meshes with other people so quickly. She's a joy to be with. I felt it every second I was with her. Her heart is pure.
"Wait. You've been checking out my channel?" she asks in an accusatory tone.
"Yep. Busted." This makes a smile bloom on my face.
I can't see her, but I can imagine her smiling too.
Now I've given her two signs this means something. Normally, that would make me nervous, but with her, I want it. I want her to know I'm watching and I'm coming down for her.
We talk another ten minutes then say goodnight. She sounds like she's excited to see me, and I know I'm looking forward to seeing her. I should stay far, far away from Cass. I'm no good for her. Yet, staying away? Yeah. Foster is dead right. Total losing battle.
Chapter 15 House of Horror
She's the only female in the row of male makeup artists.
I'm helping her set up her equipment—which is too heavy for her to carry in one trip, so at least I can make myself useful—when a woman with long black hair approaches her. "Cass, so good to see you again, my friend."
"Good to see you too, Eloisa." They hug each other like old friends, but I think Cass is just like that with everyone.
Eloisa hands her a sheet with pictures. "This is the look we're going for."
Cass glances at it and pulls up her phone. "Can I do this instead?"
