by Daya Daniels
Is it instinct?
Is it loneliness?
Is it natural?
Am I doing the inevitable?
With a breath, I accept that none of that matters—none of it! The self-examinations are moot!
Regardless of all the above, it’s UNACCEPTABLE.
When will I stop hating myself?
I run my tongue across my teeth and breathe loudly hating that I’m losing bits and pieces of Joy—her voice, her smell, the sensory memory of her skin against mine. I meant my vows when I had said them. I truly did. I envision Joy often but nowadays she’s like a hologram at the front of my mind—there but not there at all, patchy and unclear—completely intangible. I hang on to the visual no matter how poor it is. I won’t let it go even if I don’t have much left to clutch on to.
So, just like Tenley, with a half-empty, sad, sad heart, I wait.
Tenley
A BRIGHT FULL MOON is above tonight lighting up the night sky and the soft ocean waves which tumble over and over into the shoreline. It’s quiet, other than the sound of the sea and the owl that lives here which hoots nonstop from its home high up in the trees above.
Brooks lingers near me holding the axe which feels as if it’s come to be his best friend.
I peer up at the sky admiring the stars.
“Do you want to make the marking?” He edges closer and offers me the axe.
I bite my bottom lip and debate.
He roughs a hand over his face and smiles.
“Um, no.” I fiddle with the hem of my dress. “You can do it.” Honestly, I’d stopped coming to this tree which only serves as a frustrating reminder of how long we’ve been here. It has so many notches carved in it, Brooks has been forced to use the other side since there’s a need for more space.
“You sure?” His blue eyes are bright but seem sad tonight for some reason.
I can’t ask why. I’ve tried. I get no words. My question will only annoy. So, I remain silent.
Staring at him for a moment, I twist my feet in the soft sand and glance out at the beach. “Yeah, I’m sure. You can do it. I’ll watch.”
“Okay then.” He shrugs and drops down in a squat.
I do the same.
He’s hesitant.
My gaze swings to his.
With a sigh, he makes a quick motion and puts one marking in the tree.
It feels like another notch in our coffins, but I don’t say that.
He lowers his gaze to the sand where he places the axe.
“How many of them are there?” I cringe.
I’d lost track a long time ago especially since I know Brooks hasn’t missed a beat when it has to do with counting the days. He religiously marks this tree with the showing of the next moon evidencing that another day has passed.
“With this one makes five hundred and eighteen days.”
A tiny gasp slips from me and I turn away from him. When I gather enough courage to look his way again, he’s already staring at me, blinking, blue eyes watery and skittish. I can tell he’s thinking the same as I am.
Where had the time gone?
“It’ll be Christmas soon again then.”
“Yeah.” His nod is slow as he looks up at the moon.
I manage a smile.
It’s quiet for a while, unease floating in the air like a bad stench.
I fiddle with my hands. “I’ll get the house ready. Peni and I will make some decorations together.” I don’t look at him, only rattle off my list which closely resembles the one I’ve always had every year when the season rolled around. “I’ll make it all really nice.”
“Yeah, I know you will. I’ll help. I love Christmas.”
“Yeah, me too.”
He covers his mouth and nose with a hand, breathes loudly, then gives me that look again—one which is sent my way often these days. The new look. The one I can’t discern. And then he smiles.
I almost say something, but I’m rendered mute at what is happening ahead and along the sand.
“Brooks.”
He rises to stand then so do I. “Oh, wow.”
My eyes narrow.
“I’ve heard about this before, but I’ve never seen it.” He clutches my forearm and pulls me closer.
I gasp at all the baby turtles which cover the sand. Their tiny heads pop up and then their bodies emerge from where they’ve been buried. They crawl toward the shoreline and dive into the sea.
“Oh my God.” I giggle.
Brooks grins. “I guess the mothers laid them here a while ago, you know, while we were sleeping....”
Brushing my hair away from my face, I pull it all over a shoulder and lean against the tree. “This is amazing, Brooks. I know you didn’t know this would happen but it’s thanks to you that I get to see it.”
“You’re quite welcome.” His deep voice echoes behind me.
“I’ve only seen the turtles in the water around here, never on the beach.”
Brooks smiles. “The female turtles lay them on the beach at night. It’s a fragile process I’d say.”
The smile on my face feels permanent. The salty breeze washing over me. The moon so bright tonight that there’s no need for a torch to find your way around here. The warm air. It’s all perfect.
“Do you think they’ll make it, Brooks?” I keep my eyes pinned on the water and the baby turtles.
He doesn’t respond.
It only spells doom since I can estimate that from the thousands of baby turtles currently scurrying for the shoreline, only a handful of them will make it to spring to adulthood.
“So, do you think—" When I shift to my left, I flinch, startled.
Brooks removes his nose from my hair and stumbles back. “I-I-I’m sorry.”
Speechless, I stand there, unsure of what to do.
He steps closer, reaches for my hand and plants it to his cheek covering mine with his own. His eyes fall shut and a soft breath leaves his parted lips. The warmth. The sensation of my palm against his soft beard. The natural scent of his skin dusts mine when I’m pulled an inch closer. My gaze roves over his tall frame and chiseled body. A helpless exhale leaves me. And then my focus falls lower, lower, lower to the thick outline in his shorts—the one I’ve seen before, only this time a huge wet stain accompanies it.
My heart pounds, breathing quickens, brain goes on the blink for just a second.
Heat.
So much heat.
A calm and quiet desperation that whispers around us just as the salty breeze does.
He drags my hand over his cheek and then those blues open wide to regard me, shocking me with their perfection.
Fear. Confusion. Apprehension.
Shame.
So much shame.
You aren’t alone there, Brooksy boy!
His shaky fingers slide up the back of my neck and into my hair. I fall a little more apart at his touch, flesh on fire, bones weakening. I’m pulled into his powerful embrace, melting. My breasts are planted against his hard, heaving chest allowing me to feel his power. Only right now, he’s weak and he knows it. I do too. Still, I don’t stop him. And he doesn’t stop his own clawing for my limbs.
The tip of his nose teases mine.
I breathe in the scent of his strands, the remnants of perspiration on his skin, his sweet breath.
A squeak leaves me.
A moan rips from him.
I gaze up at him, lost for words, peering into blazing blue eyes that speak the words so well which his tongue doesn’t manage to say.
His abs are concrete against my quivering stomach. I’m yanked in tighter as he buries his face in my neck. And my entire body registers how swollen he is—so engorged it must hurt—so hard it hurts me as the weapon is pushed into my left thigh. I consider the bruise that might now be left there with the contact—the one on my thigh and the one on his broken heart. Because that’s what we are right now…breaking…to ultimately end completely shattered. We’re scrambling around on our hands and
knees searching for the pieces of who we used to be and struggling to glue them back together. In our best attempt, I think we’ve both accepted that even if we manage to find the pieces, we’ll never be the same after the bang-up job is done.
I wrap my arms around Brooks and hold him, much in the way he had done for me many times before. I don’t question. I don’t accuse. I don’t stop him from dragging his nose over my skin, peppering it with his lips and inhaling me even though I can barely breathe and feel dizzy as fuck.
His breaths are ragged when his face emerges from my neck and his forehead falls to mine.
We stare at each other, lips parted, breaths puffing against each other’s cheeks.
“Brooks.” I swallow.
He gifts me with a frantic yet fueled expression. “Yes?”
I blink about a billion times in sync with my raging heart. “I should get back to the house.”
The earth becomes insanely still. Nothing else exists which is often how it feels when we’re alone. Dangerous. Perplexing. Perfect. Messy.
His blues widen. “Okay, yeah, yes, definitely.” And he’s back…
Thank you, Jesus.
Slowly, I untwist from his hold, away from his warmth until it’s only our fingertips touching then nothing at all. I retreat, backing away from him, mouth still gaped attempting to catch my breath.
I find so much longing in his blues.
Pure torture.
A fight he has no idea how to win…one I’ve already lost…
And then, like a professional sprinter, I run.
Brooks
A FEW DAYS LATER…
We didn’t talk about the other night. Like a fuzzy memory, it had been forgotten.
Thank you so fucking much.
Tenley woke the next day, made breakfast, and then helped with the boat. The day ended. We found ourselves back at home where I made dinner then played games with Peni and went to sleep.
Everything has been happening in that exact order ever since.
No weirdness.
No tension.
We simply live and only hope for the next passing ship or airplane.
They’ll find us.
They’ll know where to look.
Everything will be fine.
I push it all to the back of my mind and revel in the sensation of the soft sand as it tickles my toes. “Is this what you and Peni get up to much of the time?”
Tenley strolls ahead of me. She’d stuffed a pitaya in her mouth which had fallen from the sky a moment ago and is still chewing on it. She extends a palm out and drags it over the green leaves which edge this path. Her bare feet kick up the sand and her long wavy hair swishes from side to side. I spot one distinct hole in her white dress which denotes that it’s old. My attire is no different.
Much of the time I don’t bother with a shirt, seeing as I only own three and they’re in pretty bad shape too. If I’m wearing one and I just sneeze, I swear it’ll shred right off my back. I’m assured we look like two ragamuffins who trod this island but it’s just us here. So, I suppose our appearance don’t matter.
I breathe in the salty air which is much warmer than usual today.
After working on the boat this morning and joining Tenley for a swim in the ocean, we’re doing this. Apparently, it’s something that she and Peni get up to doing every day so that we can have a buffet breakfast of fruit each morning.
“So, you don’t actually have to do much, do you?”
Tenley giggles. “No, not at all.”
Craning my neck up to the canopy of trees above, I spot Peni’s long arms and legs just for a beat as she leaps from a tree limb to the next one. She’s agile. Built for finding her way through the jungle high above us. And then in the same moment something comes careening in my direction in one yellow flash. I manage to catch the cluster of bananas before it crashes to the ground.
Peni screeches and then she’s gone again.
“Oh good, you caught it.” Laughing, Tenley pulls a banana from the bunch and peels it quickly.
I continue along behind her catching all the fruit raining down from high above.
“Peni gets the best stuff.” Tenley takes a big bite of the banana and offers it to me.
I munch into it.
Tenley points high above. “And you know there’s no way I’d be able to get the good stuff way up there. So, it’s a good thing that Peni’s here.” She smiles.
Yeah, it absolutely is.
She’d proven to be a help even with a boat, passing me the things I need when I ask for them. Peni doesn’t speak, of course, but she understands the English language damn fine.
“You know I used to spend so much time in Whole Foods strolling through the produce aisles making sure that everything I picked up was fresh.” She sucks her teeth and gives me a funny look. “It was fresh, but nothing could ever beat fruit that’s been freshly picked off a tree the way we get it here. No pesticides. No manhandling. Just straight from the branch to our mouths. There’s nothing like it, Brooks.” She grins. “Wouldn’t you agree?”
“Sure thing…nothing like it.”
Tenley walks ahead following the same path below that Peni takes high above in the trees.
“Whoa!” I catch a mango and another and another and soon my arms are filled with fruit. When we make it to the end of the path, Tenley unloads everything in my arms and fills the basket resting on the ground.
SPLAT.
Peni’s screams echo through the trees just as she jumps to another tree branch and then she’s out of my view.
“What the heck?” I look up just as red mush trickles its way from my forehead and along my nose to land on my toes.
Covering her mouth with her hand, Tenley takes a few steps forward, giggling.
“Do you think this is funny?” I wipe the berry splatter from my skin and examine the mess in my hands.
Tenley nods.
“Is it?” My eyes narrow.
She nods more and is now giggling so hard that her entire body shakes and her cheeks are pinkening while she struggles to hold her breath in. It’s the most comical thing I think I’ve ever seen.
I press my lips together and fail massively at swallowing down my own laughter.
Tenley marches toward me with purposeful steps and lifts her hand.
SPLAT.
I’m open-mouthed and unable to even get a word out.
Did she just musssssh me?
Giggling, she retreats slowly with nothing but mischievousness in her features as I wipe away the berry mess she’d just smashed right into my forehead. I hold my arms out in disbelief, ready to swear but then I laugh more as she laughs too.
I’m assured it’s contagious.
What are we, ten years old?
Then she runs.
I take off like a bull and rush after her.
Tenley
I AM GRATEFUL for the laughter.
Seldom but much needed.
I am grateful for the steady beat of my heart.
Required like smiles.
I am grateful, sometimes, for my ability to forget…
A gift.
Sometimes a curse…
Perhaps forgetting is the mind’s way of protecting itself…from all the horror.
I’m running too fast to debate the thought, dodging left and right through the trees, laughing like I never have before. The breeze rushes through my hair and my dress flops everywhere. I get to a fork in the path and stop for just a second, unable to decide which way to go. I decide to go right and then set off again running, moving as fast as my bare feet will carry me.
Brooks growls.
His footfalls aren’t far behind. “You can’t outrun me, Tenley!”
“I bet I can!” I move faster, tucking my elbows in and forcing my body to barrel ahead with more speed and purpose.
Peni takes the same path through the trees high above.
I hook a left and a right and then…
I yelp!
/> I’m taken out by the linebacker who’d just blindsided me and then I find myself curled up in his arms and rolling in the sand. Laughing, I struggle in his grip, tear at his biceps with my fingertips and writhe and twist.
Brooks hovers above me, blue eyes filled with annoyance. His thick fingers dig into my sides as he holds me down. “A-polo-gize.”
“No.” I wrinkle my nose. “I won’t.”
He tickles me more.
I belt out a laugh and soon I’m in a fit of giggles.
“If you won’t then I’ll tickle it out of you.” He breathes heavily, smiling like a kid.
A screech echoes through the trees.
THUMP.
Peni lands on Brooks’ head.
The surprise causes his hands to fly there and I’m released.
Peni screeches and screams and Brooks tries his best to get her off him.
“Oh, I see, it’s pick on Brooks today then, is it?” Brooks tickles Peni too.
Her spider monkey laughter fills the air and her arms and legs hold on to Brooks with everything she has. A flash of her bright smile and big blue eyes crack me up.
Brooks’ hair is a mess and he’s covered in sweat from the mayhem.
Laughing, I rush away from the raucousness and continue my slow jog toward the beach. The tide is still low, and the crystal blue water beckons me its way as the hot sun dives toward the horizon. I take slow steps and prepare to grab my dress by the hem and pull it over my messy head of hair, but the sight ahead causes me to come to a complete stop.
Oh my dear Lord…
I drop my hands to my sides, completely lost for words because I know what lies ahead is not a mirage by a long shot…
A boat.
A man.
An indication that there is life in this world beyond these shores…
Well, hurrah!
My pulse quickens, heart rate picks up, sweat slicks me all over.
Peni is still screeching and Brooks is still skylarking with her.
With a gaze that is caught between what is happening far behind me and the situation in front of me, occurring almost right-at-my-feet, I muster up every scrap of energy I have left. “BROOOOOOOOOKS!”
