‘Oh?’ After their romantic first-encounter story, I hadn’t expected that.
‘My ex of seven years ran off with his Pilates instructor – a woman too. Not only did I feel like a discarded piece of gum, chewed up and spat out on the street, I also felt like I was so repulsive, I’d put him off men for good.’
‘It’s true,’ Harry says, ‘Barney would pull away at every milestone. He didn’t show up to the meal we had planned with friends to celebrate our six-month anniversary because he thought we’d be breaking up soon and he wanted to save face. When we got our first apartment together in New York he showed up on moving-in day with just an overnight bag with one outfit change in because he was sure I’d kick him out soon after. It took a lot of work.’
‘It’s not the same thing.’
‘The circumstances are different, but the fear of commitment is the same,’ Harry says.
‘It’s not so much the fear of commitment,’ I choke. ‘It’s the fear of forgetting about Kev and not respecting his memory.’
‘There’s room in your heart for Kev and Ethan,’ Barney says.
Tension rises in my chest and I shake my head. Whenever I try to explain it, it doesn’t come out right and people don’t get it. ‘No, no there’s isn’t.’
Both Harry and Barney stare at me before Barney speaks. ‘It just seems like such a waste to have you two to find a spark but fizzle out before you’ve even had a chance to throw on a little propane.’
‘It isn’t just Kev, I’m from a different country. You’re saying I shouldn’t be afraid to get hurt but anything between us is destined to end. We both get hurt in that version of the story so what good is a fizzle?’ I bang down my beer with a little too much force and a little bit sloshes over the top.
‘People make these things work,’ Barney says.
‘I’m not people. I’m odd and damaged and I’m not available for … for … relationships.’ I sweep my hand to the left, accidentally sending Barney’s beer crashing to the floor. My initial reaction is to apologise profusely and help him clean up the spillage, but instead, I stand up and shove my bag on my shoulder. The air is so thick it’s choking me.
‘Do you know what? I kissed my boss too, perhaps he’s the one I should be fizzling with – at least that way, I wouldn’t have two bored, meddlesome guys driving me insane.’ Even as I say the words, I hate myself for them and know they aren’t true, but I can’t help myself.
Hurt is etched on both their faces and I feel a sharp stab of guilt. I can’t deal with this. My heart starts to race. I hitch my bag higher. I like Harry and Barney so much that I don’t want to say goodbye to them either. Leaving them and Ethan will almost be like mourning for Kev all over again. Instead of losing one person, I’ll have lost three. It’s better if they hate me.
‘I’m not here for much longer. I think the best thing all round is for us to say our goodbyes before things get messier.’
Harry looks mortified. Barney looks like a puppy that’s been stuck in an animal shelter for far too long.
‘I’m sorry. I just can’t take this. I can’t take any of it. I have to go.’
With that, I leave, walking briskly without so much as a backwards glance until I reach the relative sanctuary of my apartment. As usual, I head straight for my room, walking past the men, who are sitting in the lounge watching whatever sport of the day it is they’re watching. As usual, they ignore me.
I throw myself down face-first onto the bed and try to calm my breathing. Just two more weeks to go and I can put all of this behind me.
Chapter 24
‘Great news.’ Patrick looks like the Cheshire Cat when I enter the office the next day.
‘Oh?’ I ask, not really in the mood for his attempt at suspense.
‘I’ve just been speaking to the rep from Rocks, and the guys want us to use Provincetown as the location. We presented several great spots – Hamilton Beach, York Beach, Plymouth – but they loved the vibe that came through from the Provincetown footage.’ He is so enthusiastic, and I don’t really know why. Wherever he and the film crew go is not really that interesting to me, and the last thing I want to do is think about that place.
‘That’s great.’
‘I know, isn’t it?’ he says. The smile isn’t going anywhere and it’s starting to unnerve me.
‘Yeah.’ To my shame, a little bit of sarcasm laces the word.
‘So, I hope you don’t have plans this evening, because you’ll need to go pack a week’s worth of clothes.’
What the actual fuck?
Perhaps I’ve misunderstood. ‘Sorry, what?’
‘Well, you’re coming of course. Don’t look so surprised. You’re the brains behind this campaign. Rocks want everything the same in the videos, apart from you and the dodgy phone footage obviously.’ He laughs like I’m supposed to find it funny that they clearly wouldn’t want the old bird in the video. I suppose if I wasn’t about to throw up, I might have laughed along. ‘I know you love the place and knew you’d be thrilled to be heading back there on expenses.’ He winks. ‘It would be great if you could get in touch with all the rental places for the car and bikes and stuff. I think we’ll have four different models …’
His words are drowned out by the pulsating heartbeat that’s pounding in my ears. If I tell him I can’t go, I might as well ask for my P45. My UK boss will hate me for pissing off the US team, and Patrick will make my life miserable – if he doesn’t send me straight back to the UK via cargo ship or whatever means available. I’d be throwing everything away by not overcoming this one last hurdle. Surely, I can bite the bullet and power through my last two weeks here?
‘Oh, and one last thing.’
‘Hm?’ My attention is back on Patrick.
‘You might want to sit down for this one.’
Now he wants me to sit. I’ve already been knocked sideways. I do it anyway because if that was only the amuse-bouche course of the bad news, this is going to be terrible.
‘The feedback for your work has been so positive. You weren’t afraid to go with your gut—’ he punches the air ‘—even when everyone else in the room wouldn’t listen.’ Well, I’m glad he sees that now. ‘You are exactly the sort of person we want on this team.’
I see where this is going. He wants me to join Tony, Dave, Carl and Steve and be a regular on this little jaunt. Well, thanks but no thanks, buddy. I’m going back to my simple life in my UK office, reunited with Coco in my little flat in a country where chocolate tastes good again.
Back. I’m going back.
‘Which is why I want to offer you a permanent position here in Boston. It’s based solely on your merits as a top marketer, not your sake drinking skills.’ He smiles sheepishly. ‘We can sponsor your visa, and the salary will be a big improvement. We have a great health insurance package that includes dental, and we’ll put you in accommodation for six months until you’re up on your feet. What do you say?’
Oh my god. Oh my god. Up until recently, this would have been my dream come true. I’m a career girl – I have few ties, and being a success is all that drives me. Not to mention sticking it to the men who initially thought I was useless. But I can’t say yes. I can’t live here with Ethan being so close. Barney and Harry must absolutely hate me now and … no. Just no.
‘You take your time. No rush. I’m heading out of the office for the rest of the day to prepare, but we’ll meet at the ferry port tomorrow morning. I’ll email the details.’ He doesn’t wait for a reply; I gather he’s too excited about the trip. Once he’s gone, I sit there dumbfounded.
Why is it that when you want something bad enough and work hard enough for it, it doesn’t come until the worst possible time?
Chapter 25
The weak morning sun casts a warm glow across the bay. Seagulls caw overhead, and the breeze is cool enough to warrant a hoodie and a fleeting bout of nostalgia for the UK. When I spot Patrick walking towards me, my stomach sinks. We’re really doing this.
‘Good morning,’ he says, more chipper than usual. I can’t even bring myself to reply. Instead, I pull the zip of my hoodie right up and shove my hands in the pockets. ‘Did you manage to call all the rental places to arrange the stuff we need?’
I nod. ‘Yes, it’s all sorted.’ By some miracle, Ethan didn’t answer the telephone. I’d worked myself up all afternoon, forging an explanation for my behaviour the last time I saw him. I even came up with a convincing argument as to why he should let my company rent from him, just in case he was so mad at me he said no. Car rental in Provincetown is strangely limited. Thankfully, it was his brother, Zac, who I caught at the bike rental place, so I spoke to him about the kayak and cars too. He sounded pleased to hear from me, so I guessed Ethan hadn’t been telling him how I bolted after we kissed.
‘I’m going to sit inside and make a few calls while we’re still near the mainland. An idle mind is work for the devil,’ Patrick says as we board the ferry.
‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop,’ I mutter but he doesn’t hear me.
It’s even cooler at sea, so I put my lightweight quilted jacket from back home on over my hoodie and sit on the outside deck. If I followed Patrick, there would be a point at which we’d have to make small talk, and he may even ask about my decision on the job front. I don’t want to have to turn it down until nearer the end of my stay if I can help it. Doing so now may make him resentful of me, and I don’t need that when he’s technically the only person on this trip who doesn’t hate me.
The hotel Patrick booked for us is more upmarket than the one I spent my weekends at, and it’s at the other end of town. In a way, the change helps me to distance myself from the connection I had with the place. I just need to get the rentals out of the way, and then I’m pretty sure I can focus on my job.
I’m sitting on a deckchair by the small, freeform pool when Patrick comes out. ‘I’ve just had a call from the film crew and they’re about fifteen minutes away. We’re hoping to get down to the beach and start shooting the kayak scenes within the hour, so I thought you could go on ahead to liaise with the rental guy and find a spot away from the sunbathers.’
Of course, it’s a perfectly reasonable request from Patrick’s point of view, but the thought of heading over there gives me a five-kilogram weight in the pit of my stomach.
‘Okay.’ I just have to be grown up about it. I’m only here for a week.
‘Great. I’ll catch you later.’
***
I go to my room and freshen up. Now the sun is higher in the sky the temperature has risen, so I put on some comfy grey jersey-style shorts and a white sleeveless T-shirt and tie my hair in a high ponytail to keep it out of the way. My skin glows with the colour I’ve picked up so I don’t bother with make-up. When I can procrastinate no more, I make my way over to the kayak rental place. When I get there, I’m relieved to see it’s Zac who is sitting in a deckchair outside.
‘Hey, Sam.’ He rises to his feet and smiles when he sees me.
‘Hi, Zac.’ I smile back, mostly with relief at not having to see Ethan.
‘I’ve polished up a few of these for you because I didn’t know what colour you guys wanted, so just take your pick. The film crew have basically paid for a full day’s rental for all the kayaks, so I’m closed to the public today.’
‘That’s great,’ I say, scanning the beach for the best spot. ‘I think I’ll take a couple over there.’ The beach is pretty quiet, and the sunbathers are concentrated nearer the road, which makes sense because dragging your stuff across the beach is no easy task. I pick up the handles on two kayaks and start to pull them.
Zac reaches out for one of the handles. ‘Here, let me.’
‘It’s okay,’ I protest.
He holds his hands up in the air. ‘Sorry, force of habit, what with Cindy being pregnant. I’ll leave you to it. I’ll be in the cabin if you want anything.’
I force a smile, glad to be left alone.
A little while later, as I sit looking out across the water waiting for Patrick, Zac jogs across the sand towards me.
‘I thought you might want a snack,’ he says, holding out a Tupperware tub of chopped strawberries.
‘Thank you,’ I say, taking one. I expect Zac to leave, but he sits down in the sand beside me.
‘Cindy is obsessed with healthy eating at the moment. She said we need to form good habits for the sake of our child.’ He pulls a Hershey bar from his back pocket. ‘So I eat the fruit and stuff, but sometimes I waver. Want a piece?’
I laugh and shake my head.
‘Ethan told me what happened between you guys.’
My body tenses, but Zac raises his hand, so I stay silent.
‘He knows you haven’t healed. He’s been there, so he gets it. He’s going to lay low while you’re here. I just thought you should know that he isn’t avoiding you or anything.’
My chest swells with something. I was genuinely relieved to see Zac this morning, but ever since I sat down, I’ve tried to ignore the niggling feeling of disappointment at the fact I won’t be seeing Ethan. For some reason, I feel done out of talking to him. The thing is, whilst my head knows that keeping my distance is the sensible thing to do, my heart misses his company, my eyes miss his face, and my body misses the feeling of his touch. They put up a rather compelling argument when they gang up on me.
‘That’s really considerate of him,’ I say eventually.
‘He’s a nice guy. Hopefully, one day, he’ll meet someone who is right for him. He deserves to be happy.’
I nod along and glance around. Patrick and the film crew are trudging through the sand towards us. ‘Looks like it’s time to start filming.’
‘I’ll make myself scarce.’ Zac rises to his feet and I follow suit. ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’
‘Sam!’ Patrick greets me with an exuberance that is probably for the benefit of the film crew, who are a compilation of the fashion-afflicted and the severely miserable. Without acknowledging me, they begin to unpack their equipment and set up.
‘So, are they all briefed on what they’re doing?’ I say quietly to Patrick.
‘Yes. The models are too. They’ll be here in just a minute.’
It isn’t long before the filming is underway. People are milling, buzzing, ordering, shouting and drinking coffee from eco-friendly reusable travel cups. Patrick and I watch the footage through a monitor under a sun canopy, and it looks great. The edgy angles give the film a contemporary look, and the sixteen-year-old non-binary model just oozes ‘cool’, wearing those pink-and-black graffiti Rocks like a star. It’s great. It’s going to look perfect.
‘That’s a wrap,’ the producer calls, resulting in some clapping and back-slapping. ‘Bright and early tomorrow, okay, team?’
As the film crew make their way back to their van, Patrick announces he’s turning in for the night. We finalise some plans for tomorrow, and I stay to watch the sunset for a little while, to wind down after the excitement of the day. When my arms start to get goose pimples, I decide it’s time to get moving and I head to walk across the sand in the eerie-blue twilight. As I round the corner, I bang into something solid.
‘Ethan?’ The sight of him causes my lungs to clutch my breath.
‘Sam, I thought you’d be finished. I was just stopping by to do some paperwork.’ His features slacken with shock or something else. I fight an urge to reach out to him.
‘We’re all done here. I just needed to take a minute to relax. It’s been one hectic day.’ I swipe my brow for effect.
He nods. ‘Okay, I’ll see you around.’
‘Yeah,’ I reply, but he’s already unlocking the door to the cabin. I think about calling after him to thank him for being so understanding, and to tell him how great Zac has been, but he seems off. I suppose I can’t expect to hurt his feelings and have nothing change between us. Instead, I go back to my hotel and get into bed. We have a 5.30 a.m. start, so an early night is in order. I close my eyes and try t
o clear my head of the buzz of the day. Removing each thought one by one, until all that’s left is the image of Ethan’s magnetic blue eyes.
Chapter 26
The alarm goes off after what feels like just minutes of sleep. My forehead is filled with tension, and there’s a heaviness behind my eyes. It’s far too early.
After splashing cold water on my face and brushing my teeth, I feel human enough to go down for breakfast. Patrick is helping himself to waffles when I get there.
‘Ooh, those look good,’ I say, filling my cup with coffee that looks strong enough to beat Jean-Claude Van Damme in an arm-wrestling contest.
‘Fuel for the day.’ He pats his stomach. ‘We want to try and wrap up the bike scenes today if we can.’
‘I guess I’ll be needing a few of these waffles too then?’ Like I need an excuse.
I take my waffles and coffee outside to sit on the terrace overlooking the pool, partly because it’s nice out here, and partly because it’s too early to try and make small talk with Patrick. Whilst I’m glad to be a valued part of the team now, I can’t chat about baseball or whatever else the male team members discuss in the bars after work. A bird lands on the table next to me and starts pecking at a discarded muffin case. An opportunist. Perhaps it’s in our nature to take the unexpected things handed to us in life. Maybe that’s why it’s bothering me to know that Ethan is around and I’m not going to see him. He’s the unexpected muffin of the trip, a sweet treat that wasn’t meant for me but one I could enjoy whilst I’m here all the same. I suppose any ordinary person in my shoes, without the baggage that I have, would just go for it without a second thought.
The bird flies away, leaving behind a now shredded paper case with crumbs strewn everywhere.
And that metaphor is exactly why I won’t be tempted.
Patrick pops his head around the door. ‘Need to leave in five.’
A Summer to Remember Page 16
