He takes a deep breath. I stare straight through the windscreen, unable to look at him. ‘Because I’m falling in love with you.’
I continue to look ahead, but his words send waves of emotion crashing through me. Not just because I feel it too and I hate this situation, but because I’m hurting him without even trying and it’s the last thing I want to do. When I don’t reply, he carries on. ‘When you left me on the beach, I understood. I got it. I thought I was the first person you’d kissed since you lost your husband. It’s hard for you. Well get this, you are the first person I’ve kissed since losing my wife, and it was hard for me too.’
That was like a punch in the stomach. He’d been on dates – I had no idea he’d not kissed anyone. ‘Then why are we doing this?’ I wave my hand between us with anger. ‘If it’s so hard.’
‘Because it feels too right to ignore.’
My eyes start to feel hot and damp. I turn my head to the side window before he notices.
‘Sam?’ he says softly. He puts his hand just above my knee, but I still can’t bring myself to look at him.
Eventually, he reaches for the side of my face, carefully avoiding my chin, and I let him gently turn it towards him so that our eyes meet. His deep blue eyes and full mouth are so compelling to look at that it’s hard to remember why I don’t want this. He moves in, slowly placing his warm lips on mine. My stomach stirs, and it feels so delicious I can’t fight it. I pull him towards me, closer, firmer, until our mouths are moving in perfect rhythm. One kiss can’t hurt, can it?
When we pull away, neither of us speaks, and this time I can’t physically run away. Not that I want to.
‘Don’t tell me that didn’t feel right.’ The breathiness of his voice makes me want to grab him and pull him tighter in. I tug at the hem of my shorts instead.
‘Ethan?’
‘Don’t say you disagree.’
I shake my head. ‘I wasn’t going to. But you do know that we can’t ever be an us, don’t you?’
He runs both hands through his mop of hair. ‘I don’t think I can keep away from you as long as you’re here in Provincetown.’
Oh, bloody hell! Me neither. It seems so pointless trying to avoid him when all I want to do is be with him and one week here won’t be the end of the world … will it? It does confirm my decision though. I have to go back to the UK. I have to know this isn’t going to spiral into something too deep. ‘We can see one another, but I’ll be leaving soon and that will be it.’
‘It’s better than not seeing you at all.’ He turns the key in the ignition, and the engine rumbles to life.
When we pull up outside my hotel, he surprises me by climbing out of the truck.
‘I’m not going to let you struggle to get inside,’ he says, obviously reading my expression.
I place my hand on his shoulder and heave myself out of the truck. ‘I think I’ll be okay.’ He looks disappointed, and, shockingly, I feel the same, so I add, ‘But some company wouldn’t go amiss.’
As we enter the lift, I wonder what on earth I’m doing. It’s like my brain has been hacked. Even when I’m turning the key to my room, a part of me is screaming to make Ethan go away. But that part of me is drowned out by the part that wants him to stay close by.
Chapter 28
Ethan returns from the ice machine and hands me a makeshift cold-pack of serviettes and ice. ‘Your chin looks swollen. It seems like quite a crash you had.’
My chin has started to ache and pressing the ice on offers some relief. ‘The woman just stopped in front of me; I’ve no idea why. Then she scowled at me like it was my fault.’ I shake my head.
‘Those showbiz types, hey?’ He grins, and it sends warmth through my chest.
‘Ouch, it hurts to smile,’ I say. ‘If you’re going to hang around, we need some kind of pact to be miserable together.’
We both laugh a little then fall silent. I wonder if he’s thinking the same as me – that being miserable together seems to be our thing. It’s the thing that brought us a step closer to one another on the beach in the first place.
‘How about a drink?’ I say. ‘Perhaps some alcohol will numb the pain.’
‘I can take you to a doctor if you want?’ His brow is a map of concern.
‘Honestly, it’s nothing. The bruised ego is probably the worst of it.’
We sit out on the balcony, and I get some beers and snacks from the minibar. ‘They’re on expenses,’ I say as I dump them onto the balcony table. It’s dark now. Although we can’t see the ocean, the sound of it crashing against the shore creates a pleasant background noise.
‘I heard about what happened in Boston, with Barney and Harry,’ Ethan says after opening a packet of peanuts. ‘I didn’t get the full story, but Harry said you’d fallen out, thrown a beer and stormed off saying you were never coming back to Provincetown again.’
I sink back in my chair; the guilty feeling starts to swirl around in my stomach. ‘I didn’t throw a beer; it was an accident … I did get upset. They were pressuring me about you, and I couldn’t take it. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I overreacted, but it wasn’t quite as bad as what they told you.’
‘They’ll get over it. They’re very forgiving guys,’ Ethan says, and I can’t quite believe he’s being so reasonable about it. I’m still disgusted at myself for the way I spoke to them. I can’t handle pressure or the feeling of being pushed but I need to learn how to deal with my own feelings without lashing out at others.
‘That doesn’t really make me feel any better about how I behaved. I need to apologise and make it up to them. I’m hoping to call round tomorrow.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ he says offering me some peanuts. For a moment, the only sound is the gentle tide lapping against the shore. ‘Now then, should we talk about all the kissing? Since we’re having uncomfortable conversations.’ My eyes dart to meet his, which are dancing mischievously.
‘All the kissing?’ I look at him with bemusement.
‘Okay, both of the kisses.’
I take a sip of my rum and Coke. ‘What is there to say?’
‘You’re going to make this as difficult as possible, aren’t you?’
I put my glass down and turn to face him before softening my tone. ‘Not intentionally, but what is there to say, really?’
‘Well, you could start by telling me what a great kisser I am.’ He raises his eyebrows expectantly.
‘I’d only say it if it were true.’ I pause, and he feigns hurt, pressing his hand to his chest.
‘Okay, brushing that aside, since you obviously have issues with compliments, what would you say to doing it again?’
I swallow a little too loudly. ‘To kissing?’
‘You obviously need a little more persuading.’
Cymbal-crashing monkeys run around in my head. He couldn’t be further from the truth. ‘Okay.’ He leans in and cups my chin gently before placing his lips on mine, and somehow it feels familiar. Nice, yet so alarming. What am I doing?
He takes my hand, pulls me out of my chair and sits me on his lap. My soft bottom cushions me on his firm, sturdy legs, and he lifts my arms and wraps them around his neck. The feel of his huge body against mine is so reassuring, so desirable, that I know when it’s time to get up, I won’t want to. This is very dangerous territory for me.
He runs his finger down my arm, tracing the outline, before lifting his eyes to mine.
‘You’re beautiful, Sam.’
A tingle runs down my spine. It’s been a long time since anyone has said that to me. Anyone sober, at least.
‘You’re not so bad yourself.’ It’s a massive understatement, but like he said, I’m not good with compliments.
‘You’re so easy to be around. After losing Nicole, I couldn’t imagine feeling anything for another woman ever again. But with you, all the lines are blurred. The boundaries that I set myself are no longer there, if that makes sense.’
It makes perfect sense. It’s e
xactly how I feel.
‘No one would judge you for moving on. A lot of time has passed,’ I say, slightly avoiding the topic.
‘Nobody would judge you either.’
‘I know.’ I’ve known that for a long time. Nobody but myself at least.
He squeezes me tightly. ‘It’s cruel that we’ve had this realisation when you have to leave so soon.’
‘At least you’ve taken the first step. I’m sure Barney and Harry have enough friends in their phonebooks to line you up a few potential dates if you’re no longer “off limits”.’
‘I’ve taken the step with you for a reason. They’re great and everything, but I’m not sure Harry or Barney could find me someone I click with in the same way.’
I don’t reply to that. I doubt there is a queue of Ethans waiting for me in London either.
‘Do you have to go back to England?’ he says, stroking my arm.
I almost say no as an instinctive reaction. It’s true, of course, I don’t have to go back to England, but I can’t tell him about Patrick’s offer. Not now I’ve decided I can’t take it, not now things are so complicated. Ethan won’t understand me turning it down when he knows I’m so career driven and he’ll think it’s him when the problem is me. As much as he understands me, he won’t understand why I have to go home. I don’t even know if I understand anymore so the last thing I want is a discussion about it. It’s a feeling rather than a thought which boils down to the fact, I just need my life to get back to normal.
‘As much as I’d like to stay here forever, England is my home. I can’t just emigrate at the drop of a hat. Besides, don’t you need the blood of a fairy godmother, half a shooting star and the wispy hair of five baby pixies just to get a green card to live here in the States?’
He smirks. ‘You’ve done your research.’
I get a pang of guilt about lying to him. I have the star, blood and hair combo in my back pocket. Patrick handed it to me on a plate but crossing this line with Ethan is proof that I can’t live here. A fling for a few days is one thing, but I can’t risk giving him my heart. Not when I already gave it to Kev. Not when I’d be risking having it broken again.
‘We can enjoy the time we have left,’ I say, surprising myself.
Ethan kisses the top of my head and pauses to smell my hair. That tingle runs down my spine again. ‘I’ll take it.’
Chapter 29
The next day, I meet Ethan at his car hire place early. I’m pleased to report nothing (that would need pre-watershed censoring) happened between the two of us last night. We talked, cuddled and listened to the sound of the sea until he left at around midnight.
Zac is staying at home with Cindy today as she’s on bedrest, so even if yesterday hadn’t happened, I’d still be facing Ethan today. I’m glad it’s on these new terms we have. Our understanding has given me a sense of peace, which reminds me, I need to go and see Harry and Barney later.
‘Hey, beautiful.’ Ethan picks me up in his strong arms with ease and kisses me.
‘Someone’s chipper this morning.’
‘What can I say? I had a great night with a great girl last night.’ My stomach flips, and he puts me back on solid ground.
‘Morning, guys.’ Patrick appears, and I groan inwardly. I was hoping for a bit more time alone with Ethan before work kicked off. Patrick must have spotted me leaving early and thought I was keen to get cracking. ‘The crew are on their way.’
‘Delightful,’ I whisper under my breath dryly.
‘We meet again.’ Ethan stretches out his hand, and Patrick shakes it with vigour.
‘I’m surprised you guys are even renting to us again after yesterday,’ Patrick jokes.
‘Let’s hope the film crew can drive better than they can ride,’ I snipe, feeling the need to clarify, once again, that it wasn’t my fault. Patrick gives me a glance but doesn’t respond. I understand him wanting the week to run smoothly, it’s my neck on the line too. If I upset the film crew by having a go, they might head off in a strop, which will delay the project and we’re already behind schedule. For that reason, I’m prepared to let it go.
‘Well, you’ll do a lot more damage if you crash one of these.’ Ethan pats the bonnet of my favourite red Jeep as the film crew’s van pulls up.
The random bike-braker gets out of the van and rearranges her short, black, spiky hair. When she notices me, she narrows her eyes at my chin and then walks over to Patrick to present some paperwork.
‘She seems nice,’ Ethan whispers.
‘Don’t get me started.’ I shake my head. ‘Are you going to come out with us today?’ I ask, realising how keen I am for him to say yes.
‘Dunno.’ He runs his hand through his mop of hair.
I laugh. ‘Are you trying to play it cool?’
‘A little. Let me lock up and I’m there.’ He kisses my cheek and darts off, leaving a warm glow on the side of my face. Still smiling, I turn around and come face to face with crash-girl, who scowls. Obviously, happiness is not contagious.
‘Let’s go.’ Patrick claps three times and everyone starts to move. ‘We’ll go over to the main street while it’s still quiet, then over to the beach.’
Patrick jumps in the driver’s seat of the Jeep. ‘You getting in?’
‘Yes, I need to get in the back. Ethan is coming too.’
‘He is?’ Patrick raises an eyebrow at me as I climb in. ‘So, is he coming to make sure we don’t smash up his car, or did you and Florence Nightingale hit it off last night?’
‘It’s not like that.’
He holds his hands up in surrender. ‘Hey, it’s none of my business. I just saw that his truck was outside the hotel for a while last night and wondered if that means you’re now considering my offer more seriously.’
My mouth feels dry and it’s a chore to speak. ‘Patrick, look, about that—’
‘All ready to go.’ Ethan appears from nowhere and jumps into the Jeep.
‘We’ll talk about it later, Patrick,’ I say.
Ethan directs us to the carpark near the ferry pier, and we pull in just as a huge flock of seagulls passes overhead, flying towards a fishing boat that’s just come in.
‘At least it’s not too busy,’ Patrick says, climbing out. The film crew are already unpacking, and the models are in the van having their make-up done. Ethan and I volunteer to go on a coffee run. The irony doesn’t escape me when I think back to how incensed I was when I used to get sent on them.
‘So, I’m guessing today will be a lot of hanging around,’ Ethan says whilst we wait for ten completely different styles of artisan coffee. Seriously, what’s wrong with a good old-fashioned latte?
‘You don’t need to hang around if you have better things to do.’
‘Not really. Jimmy, our store assistant, will be at the car rental place soon, and my mom had Lexi overnight. They’re baking today and if I go pick her up too early, I’ll be in trouble. I just meant that we should get the chance to spend some time together.’
‘Oh, yes, we—’ Something, or rather someone, catches my eye, and I run outside.
‘Barney?’
His eyes almost pop out of his head. ‘Sam?’
For a moment, I just look at him. How can I explain my behaviour back in Boston? My forehead is so tense I struggle to relax the creases down the centre. ‘I need to apologise to you and Harry.’
Barney’s face is hard. ‘You really upset Harry, you know.’
I put my hand on his arm and speak softly. ‘I upset you too.’
His face is still stony, and I can hardly blame him. ‘I thought we deserved more than a yelled goodbye-great-knowing-you.’
‘You did. You deserved much more. I was hoping to stop by tonight if that’s okay? It’s a long story, but I’m here with work.’ Ethan steps outside carrying a large box filled with takeaway coffee.
Barney raises his eyebrows. ‘Work?’
‘Yes. Can I call round later to explain?’ I glance at Ethan. ‘I’ll expla
in everything.’
‘Harry and I were going to go out to dinner when we’ve finished work.’ He juts out his chin.
‘I’ll come over after.’
‘No.’ He waves his hand and exhales. ‘Harry will want to see you. Come about six. We’ll cook.’
‘Only if you’re sure?’
‘I’m off to see the seafood guy so we’ll have plenty in.’
‘Thanks, Barney.’ I stretch up on my tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek, and the corner of his mouth twitches into a smile.
‘Bring wine,’ he says pointedly, and I give a captain’s salute in response.
‘That wasn’t too bad,’ Ethan says once Barney is out of earshot.
‘I just hate seeing him like that. I seem to have this knack for hurting the people closest to me.’ Somehow, seeing Barney put on a brave face makes me feel ten times worse.
‘They’ll forgive you.’
‘That doesn’t really make me feel any better about my outburst. I mustn’t forget that wine!’
When we arrive back at the carpark, the Jeep has been rigged up with a camera. Two young female models are pouting in the front seats. There’s a cameraman in the back and one on the road.
‘It looks like they’re taking still shots with the fishing boats in the background. We’ve got time to enjoy our coffees,’ I say, sitting down on the floor out of the way. Ethan goes to hand out the rest of the drinks before coming to sit beside me.
‘Not one thanks.’ He shakes his head.
‘These guys are great compared to the guys back in Boston,’ I joke. ‘To be fair, Patrick, as it turns out, is alright, but still …’
‘But still …’ He smiles and sips his coffee. ‘Barney and Harry really like you. I know they have a lot of friends, but they don’t connect with everyone like they have with you and me.’
A Summer to Remember Page 18
