by Debby Giusti
Tears wouldn’t help, but still they slipped from her eyes. She stepped into the main room so Kayla wouldn’t see her. Pulling a tissue from a box, she wiped her eyes and braced her spine, determined to be strong.
But when the door opened and Abraham walked into the kitchen with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes, followed by William who seemed equally jovial, she could no longer hold back her emotions.
“Is everything okay?” she demanded before they had time to hang their hats on the wall pegs.
“Yah, why do you ask?”
She pointed to the window. “Because it is almost dark. William was driving the buggy. Anything could have happened.”
“William is a gut driver. He did a fine job. You would be proud of his ability.”
“I am proud of him, but I am not happy about being left in this house and not knowing what was happening.”
“Sarah had work that needed to be done,” he explained. “She does not have a husband. Some of the neighbors lend a hand, but everyone is busy with their own farms. We loaded the boxes of the items she will sell into her buggy so she will be ready tomorrow. Then she insisted we have a piece of pie.”
“Did you not realize I would be worried?”
Abraham stared back at her, clueless. He hadn’t realized anything. He probably hadn’t thought of her. She was acting like a temperamental child—she knew it—but she couldn’t change the way she felt. All the anxiety that had built up, the worry that had turned to fear and eaten at her over the long afternoon came pouring out in a flood of tears.
Confusion covered Abraham’s face. William looked worried. Kayla put away her coloring and stood by her mother.
“Mama thought something bad had happened. She has been scared. You should not have been gone so long.”
When Abraham failed to say anything, Julia refused to stand in front of him overcome with embarrassment and a mix of frustration and even anger at herself for thinking the worst when they hadn’t thought to come home as quickly as possible. She was glad they could help Sarah. She was a beautiful woman, plus she was Amish and she baked delicious pies. Julia couldn’t compete—not that they were in competition.
Abraham and Sarah would be good together. Both Amish. Both had lost their spouses. She could see a look of attraction on Abraham’s face when he talked about today’s visit and that made Julia even more upset with herself and with him.
“Dinner’s on the table,” she said, rushing past them and hurrying upstairs. She ran to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her. Then she dropped onto her bed and let the tears fall, knowing she was being foolish and childish and irrational, but she couldn’t stop the tears and she couldn’t stop the concern that something, someday, would happen to one of them. She had lived with fear for so long that she never seemed able to escape its insidious hold.
In the Englisch world, medical personnel would claim she needed counseling. In reality, she just needed to feel safe and secure, and not have to look over her shoulder or worry if her son was late coming home.
She thought things had gotten better, but they hadn’t changed. She was still fearful. Danger, even if it wasn’t gang related, was rampant in the world. It would never end, and she would never feel safe again.
NINETEEN
Abraham had not wanted the pie, but Sarah had cut slices and set them on the table when he and William finished loading her carriage. She had seemed so eager to offer her thanks that Abraham had agreed to eat quickly. He had seen the twilight and even wondered if Julia would be worried. Why had he not said no to Sarah and come home after the work was done?
The children were silent as they ate dinner, both concerned about their mother.
“She is tired today,” Abraham offered as an excuse. “And we stayed away too long. This is a good lesson for all of us to be considerate of your mamm.”
“I told her about pots boiling,” Kayla added, looking older than her years. Although Abraham did not understand her comment, he trusted it had something to do with Julia’s upset.
“You children should get to bed early this evening. I will do the dishes. Tomorrow we will rise before dawn. Your mother will feel better, and we will have a wonderful day in town.”
“I hope I can sleep, Mr. Abraham, because I’m so excited,” Kayla admitted.
He hugged her. “Say your prayers and you will soon be asleep. I will see you in the morning.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. The warmth of her sweet arms and the smell of her brought back memories of Becca, but instead of overwhelming pain and sorrow, he felt the joy of this precious child who was so forthright and giving. Kayla had captured a part of his heart. Not that she had usurped his own daughter’s spot, no one could do that, but his heart was big enough to make room for both of them. That was what made love so special. It did not exclude. The space love held in a person’s heart only grew larger, which allowed the capacity to love to grow greater.
Once she had hurried upstairs, Abraham turned to William. “You have worked hard today, you must be tired.”
“I am ready to sleep. Thank you, Abraham, for letting me drive the buggy. That is something I never would have learned if we had stayed in Philadelphia.”
“You have learned much here.”
“Because you have taught me. Don’t get upset with Mom. She was worried. I could tell from the look on her face. She would look at me like that when we lived in the city, if I was on the street when she wanted me home. It was the fear of losing me. After what happened in Kansas City, I understand that now.”
“Your mother was worried about you today. We should not have stayed so long.”
“But Miss Sarah needed help.”
“I know. Next time we must think of your mother first.”
“Mom likes you, Abraham.”
“What?”
“I can tell. Maybe you don’t see it because you didn’t know her before, but you make her smile, and she’s happy here. Even though she was upset today, she is usually less worried here than in the city. I even hear her singing sometimes, which she rarely did before.”
“Singing is good.” Abraham did not know what else to say. He felt like he was conversing with a peer instead of a boy who could see a change in his mother.
Abraham wished what the boy said was true, but he could not fool himself. Julia was concerned about her son’s well-being. Abraham was secondary.
“Tomorrow you need to tell her you’re sorry,” William said, rising from his chair.
The boy was right. Abraham had not apologized. Shame on him.
William held out his hand. Abraham grasped it, then pulled the boy closer and patted his shoulder. “Sleep well. I will see you in the morning.”
“We will not mention that we talked about Mom,” William added. “It will be our secret.”
William was as wise as his sister, even if he was more reticent. Both children, if they continued on the same path, would do well in life—Abraham felt sure. If only Abraham could remain in their lives long enough to see them mature.
With a heavy sigh, he cleared the table and washed the dishes. He pulled a kitchen towel from a drawer, wiped the plates and utensils dry, and returned them to the cupboard.
After folding the towel, he hung it on the rack by the sink and was ready to leave when he heard footsteps on the stairs.
Julia appeared, her hair loose and flowing around her shoulders. Her face was splotched from her tears and her nose was red, but she looked beautiful.
Drawing in a deep breath, he crossed the kitchen to stand in front of her.
“I am sorry,” he said. “I was not thinking of you and only thought of getting the work done. As you mentioned, we were both grateful for Sarah taking Kayla in, and I wanted to help today so she would be ready for her sale tomorrow.”
“I’m glad you he
lped her.”
“But I never should have had the pie. That was a mistake and one that took more time and made you even more concerned. I will not make that mistake again if you can forgive me.”
“Oh, Abraham, I acted like a foolish teenager. Although, thinking of the fine man William seems to have become, that’s probably doing an injustice to teens. I let my fears get the best of me. You must forgive me for that. My head knew you were probably safe, but my heart kept asking—if something happened, how would I endure? I was thinking of myself and not you, so I am the one begging to be forgiven.”
He opened his arms and she stepped into his embrace. The world stood still, and all he could see was her beautiful face and her upturned lips. Everything within him wanted to pull her even closer and kiss her—not once, but over and over again. He wanted it more than anything, and as he looked more closely, he realized that was what she wanted, as well, which made his knees weak and his heart pound all the more quickly.
“Julia, would you mind if—”
“Kiss me, Abraham. It’s what we’ve both wanted for too long.”
As he lowered his lips to hers, he felt a sense of homecoming, as if everything that had caused him pain in the past was over and only the future, a future of hope and happiness, lay ahead.
“Mama?” came Kayla’s voice. “I can’t sleep.”
Julia pulled back, surprise written on her face.
Abraham’s euphoria plummeted as she stepped from his arms. The warmth he had felt dissipated until he was chilled and confused and not sure why he had kissed her.
What was happening to his peaceful life? He had come back to the Amish way to hide out from life, but Julia had opened the door he shut when Marianne and Becca died. Julia had brought light and sunshine and love and laughter back into his broken heart, but he did not deserve any of what she had given him. He had not been able to protect his wife and daughter. He could not be trusted to protect Julia and her children, even if the Philadores had given up their search.
He needed to talk to Jonathan. Perhaps he would call him tomorrow. Julia and her children needed to leave. As soon as possible.
As she hurried to comfort Kayla, Abraham let himself out through the kitchen door into the cool, crisp night. He walked to the lonely house where he would stay for the rest of his years. The only things he would hold onto were the memories of Julia and her children, and the memory of her in his arms tonight.
* * *
Julia woke with the feeling of Abraham’s kiss still on her lips. Tired though she was, she had slept little and had tossed and turned for most of the night, wondering what she needed to do. As much as she wanted to stay with Abraham, she knew he didn’t need to be saddled with a woman and two children, especially a woman who, although she enjoyed the Amish faith, had a long way to go before she could be accepted through baptism. He didn’t need to wait for a wife to care for him when Sarah was so close and so interested in Abraham.
Julia dressed quickly and arranged her hair, grateful that pinning the dress and pulling her hair into a bun had become almost second nature in such a short time.
She hurried downstairs, threw a log on the fire in the woodstove and started the coffee.
William raced down the stairs and into the kitchen as if he were late for a job interview. “Is Abraham already in the barn?”
“I don’t know. If so, ask him when he wants breakfast.”
The boy grabbed his hat from the wall peg and ran outside without shutting the door. She hurried to close it and spied Abraham hauling feed to the barn. His gaze was warm, causing a tingle to scurry down her spine. For all her concern throughout the night, she couldn’t help but smile.
“How long before you’ll be ready for breakfast?” she called.
“About forty-five minutes, if that gives you enough time.”
“It’s perfect. I’m looking forward to the day.”
The sun peered over the horizon, its rays as bright as Abraham’s smile. “It will be good to be together.”
She waved and then closed the door. Being with Abraham would be good, she knew that. Another day together, then she could decide whether to call Jonathan or not. Right now, she wanted to enjoy the moment and enjoy Abraham, no matter how long they had. She would savor this day so she could remember it forever.
Kayla hurried downstairs, wearing her Amish dress. “Can you pull my hair into a bun, Mamm?”
“After breakfast, honey. Take the basket and collect the eggs, then see if Abraham needs help with any of the other chores.”
The child nearly tripped over her feet in her excitement as she left the house and ran toward the chicken coop. Julia smiled, thinking of the fun her children would have in town. All too soon, she heard a wail from outside and opened the door to see William carrying Kayla in his arms.
Julia’s heart lurched with concern. She scurried across the porch and down the steps to join them near the water pump. “Did you fall? Are you hurt?”
“My dress.” Fat tears streamed down Kayla’s cheeks. She pointed to the raw egg whites mixed with thick yellow yolks and broken shells that covered her clothing. William’s shirt was equally soiled from carrying his sister.
“Kayla tried to get eggs from a nest on one of the high rafters,” he explained. “The ladder she was standing on gave way. She fell and the eggs in her basket broke.”
“Did you hurt yourself?” Julia reached for her daughter and drew Kayla into her arms.
“I’m not hurt,” the child said between tears. “But I can’t go to town with a dirty dress.”
“We can wash your dress,” Julia soothed.
Kayla sniffed and wiped her eyes. “But not in time for the flea market.”
“You can wear one of the outfits you brought from Philadelphia.”
“I won’t look Amish and people will wonder why an Englisch girl is with an Amish family.”
Julia glanced at William’s shirt that was stained with egg, and her own bodice that was soiled after coming in contact with Kayla’s egg-soaked dress. “We’ll all change into our Philadelphia clothes.”
Abraham stepped from the barn, no doubt hearing the upset. “Is everything okay?”
“Nothing that can’t be fixed with a quick change of clothes. We’ll be wearing Englisch outfits today.”
“Is it okay, Mr. Abraham, if I’m not wearing my Amish dress?” Kayla asked with another sniff.
“What you wear is not important, Kayla. Just so we can all be together.”
Julia was grateful for Abraham’s calm reassurance that eased Kayla’s upset. The child changed into a light-blue dress she claimed was the same color as her Amish outfit. Her face was still puffy and splotched from crying, but she smiled eagerly when they all returned to the kitchen. Abraham and William ate a hearty breakfast, but Kayla was so excited she barely touched her food.
Julia spread butter over a biscuit, added a dollop of strawberry preserves and handed it to her daughter. “Eat this or you’ll be hungry later.”
“I’m too excited.”
“You’re excited now, but you’ll be hungry later. Sarah and Ella will be here soon. You want to be finished eating and have the table clean before they arrive.”
The reminder that work needed to be done before they left for town was all Kayla needed. She quickly ate the biscuit along with a few spoonfuls of egg. Then, after asking to be excused, she cleared the dishes off the table and washed the plates and silverware.
“Thanks for your help,” Julia said. “Now go see if Abraham needs you while I wash the pots and pans. If we work together, we’ll be ready when our neighbors arrive.”
Looking up from the kitchen window, Julia saw William driving the wagon across the road to Mr. Raber’s barn. He and Abraham would load the furniture for sale into the rear of it. They returned just as Sarah pulled her mare to a stop by the back porch.
Julia opened the door and called a greeting. “I’ll be ready in a minute or two.”
She hurried to straighten her hair and slipped a lightweight sweater over her shoulders. When she returned outside, Kayla was talking to Sarah’s daughter while the girl’s mother laughed at something Abraham had said.
The look that passed between them made Julia realize how perfect Sarah would be for Abraham. Yet his kiss was still fresh on Julia’s lips. He probably didn’t know what he wanted, an Amish wife or an Englisch woman who liked everything about the Amish way of life.
Such thoughts needed to be saved for another day. At the moment, they needed to get to town to claim the two tables that would showcase their wares and draw customers.
Julia hugged Sarah and Ella. “William and Kayla, wash your hands and faces, and then we’ll be on our way.”
They hurried inside and returned so quickly that Julia wondered if they had complied with her instructions. Wisely, she decided not to ask if they had used soap.
Abraham helped her climb onto the front seat of his wagon and assisted Sarah and Ella into their buggy. Kayla and William sat behind Julia. With a flip of the reins, Abraham steered Buttercup toward town.
Kayla asked William questions about what they might see. As the children talked, Julia leaned closer to Abraham. “I’m sorry about my upset yesterday,” she said, keeping her voice low.
“That was my fault totally, and again, I apologize, but today is a new day, yah?”
“It is that and a beautiful day for a drive.”
“You said yesterday that you have never been to a flea market.”
“Is it like a garage sale?” she teased.
He laughed. “This is far larger with many more things for sale. Produce from the gardens, although only spring vegetables are available now. You will find all types of wares both new and used. Farm equipment and handmade items.”
