by Liz Isaacson
He normally loved being around people.
This year, Bear had asked Pastor Summers if they could host anyone who didn’t have family, and the numbers had grown again. When Ace had come inside the house a half an hour ago, he’d seen the pastor arrive with his wife.
A sigh came out of his mouth, and his eyes drifted to the clock on the cable box. Dinner would start in fifteen minutes. No one would know he wasn’t going to come yet.
He closed his eyes, because it was late. They always had a late dinner on Christmas Eve, so anyone who wanted to attend the light parade could do so. Oakley had driven her race cars in the parade last year, and she’d been such a big hit that they’d asked her to do so again.
Not they, he thought. Holly Ann.
He couldn’t get her out of his head, and he didn’t even want her to go. He wanted her to come to dinner tonight, and he wondered if he called her…. “Would she come?” he asked out loud, wishing he had a dog or a horse to answer him. He’d even take The General, the snobby cat that lived next door.
His phone rang, and he knew it would be Bishop before he even lifted it to check. Sure enough, his cousin’s name sat on the screen. Ace swiped on the call and said, “Yeah?” hoping that was neutral enough to mask his feelings.
“Hey, can you stop by the homestead and grab something for me?”
Ace sat up, a sigh coming from his mouth. How could he say he wasn’t coming? And if he did just grab the item and take it to True Blue, he wouldn’t be able to leave. He knew that. The party-like atmosphere and scent of delicious food would be too tempting for him.
Everyone at the ranch knew he’d broken up with Holly Ann. Only Ward had spoken to him about it. In fact, only a few people were currently speaking to him at all. Though he’d apologized to everyone, he knew he’d hurt Zona and Duke, and he hadn’t been able to get Cactus to respond to a call or a text.
Mister didn’t seem angry, but he didn’t say much to Ace, and Etta had stayed after the party to lecture Ace for telling everyone about Noah. The family is huge, she’d said. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I wasn’t keeping him secret, for crying out loud. We were going out in public. Just because I didn’t tell you lot the moment we went out doesn’t make it a crime.
Ace knew that. He did.
Ranger, Ward, and Ida had forgiven him, but things had changed between him and Ward. They’d been confidants before, and now Ace knew his older brother wouldn’t tell him anything sensitive or important.
He hated that, and he needed to sit down with Ward and clear things up.
He’d gone up to the Top Cottage to apologize to Aunt Lois, and she alone had forgiven him easily. She’d hugged him tightly and told him he was a good man.
He didn’t feel like a good man. He felt like he’d betrayed all the people he cared about most. Misery swam through him, and he simply wanted to disappear. Get in his truck and go somewhere else for a little while.
Why can’t you? he asked himself as Bishop asked him if he was still there.
“Yeah,” Ace said with a sigh. “What do you need?”
“I left all the music sitting on the table in the foyer. Could you just grab it real quick?”
“Sure.” Ace got to his feet and padded over to the front door. “I just have to pull on my boots.”
Thankfully, someone distracted Bishop, and he said, “Okay, gotta go.” The call ended, and Ace set his phone on the back of the couch as he collected his boots. Bishop should’ve asked why he’d taken his boots off when dinner started so soon. He should’ve asked why Ace wasn’t already down at True Blue. He should’ve asked why he’d sighed so many times.
The fact was, Bishop was busy with something else. Everyone was, and Ace had lost his anchor in the Glover family. He’d lost Ranger to Oakley and that new, core family. He’d lost Ward by spilling his secret. He’d lost Bishop to the events, to Montana, to True Blue itself.
He’d lost Cactus, and everything in his body tightened. He couldn’t lose Cactus—how did he fix things with Cactus?
He’d lost Mister, and he’d lost the trust of his sisters.
He’d caused a problem with Zona and Duke, which caused problems for Bear, and guilt combined sharply with regret, stabbing through him. It entered his heart, which bled and wept for all he’d done to his family.
Worst of all, he’d lost Holly Ann.
Ace spiraled, because he’d lost everything, and he simply didn’t know how to make it all right. Sometimes an apology wasn’t enough. Behavior couldn’t be undone. Words couldn’t be unsaid. Feelings couldn’t be ironed flat and forgotten just because he said, “I’m sorry.”
Even if he was sorry. Truly, deeply sorry.
He pulled on his boots, but instead of grabbing his jacket and going, he went down the hall to his bedroom. He got out a backpack and put a few changes of fresh clothes inside. He went across the hall to grab a few toiletries, and with a bag packed, he collected his leather jacket, keys, and wallet before heading out.
The CDs and Bishop’s iPod sat where he’d said they’d be, and Ace arrived at True Blue a few minute later. Others were still arriving too. Judge and Preacher directed them where to park, but Ace took a spot way down the lane so he could get out quickly.
He wasn’t going to stay. He told himself that with every step he took. He joined the flow of people entering the barn, their exclamations of how beautiful it was warranted. True Blue had truly been decked out for the holidays, and the scent of cinnamon and pine combined with the savory smells of good food.
Bishop, Ida, and Etta had been working for days for this meal, and Ace regretted that he’d miss it. He swept the huge ballroom in the barn, looking for Cactus. If he was there, Ace didn’t see him, but the place teemed with people, many of them wearing cowboy hats.
He found Bishop in the kitchen, and his cousin’s face lit up at the sight of him. “Ace.” He hugged him quickly and took the items. “You’re a life-saver.” He hurried out of the kitchen, and Ace looked at his sisters.
“Merry Christmas, Ace,” Ida said with a beautiful smile. She continued to mix the salad in the bowl in front of her.
“Why do you look like you’ve swallowed lemons?” Etta asked, frowning at him as she brushed butter over the tops of a sheet tray of golden rolls. “It’s Christmas, Ace. Cheer up.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, wishing they could hear and feel the depth of it.
Maybe they did, because they both stopped working. The twins exchanged a glance with each other, and then simultaneously looked back at Ace.
“Honey, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Ida left her salad and came toward Ace. “You actually helped me and Brady. I didn’t know how to tell Ranger, and Ward wasn’t about to.” She put a tentative smile on her face, but Ace didn’t feel any better.
“He doesn’t talk to me the same,” he said, looking away. “Ward, I mean.”
“He will,” Etta said gently. “He’s just trying to work out some things.”
“See? And I don’t even know what things.” Ace shook his head. “It’s fine. I made the bed, and now I have to figure out how to lie in it.” His father had said that a lot. You make the bed you sleep in, son. If you don’t like it, get up and remake it.
He didn’t know how, and he just needed some time and space. He’d asked Holly Ann for that, and she’d been real great about giving it to him. She hadn’t tried to call or text again, and since he hadn’t gone to town, he hadn’t seen her for a week.
“Listen,” he said just as Ida put her hand on his forearm. He flinched away from her, and she withdrew her hand. “Sorry.”
“Go on,” Etta said, pressing in on his other side.
He looked at the twins, just a couple of years younger than him. He may not have the same friendship with Ida that Ward did, but Ace had always gotten along with everyone in his family. He was the middle child of five, and he liked to think he could bring the two older boys together with the two younger twin girls. He kept them all together.
<
br /> Except now, he’d blown them apart.
He took them into his arms now though, one on each side. “I love you guys,” he whispered. “I’m leaving for a little bit.”
“Leaving?” Ida asked, fear in her voice. “Ace, no. You don’t need to leave.” She stepped back, concern in her wide wyes. “Where will you even go?”
Etta looked at him with surprise and a little bit of fear too, waiting for his answer.
“Just somewhere else,” he said, dropping his head so he didn’t have to see their faces past his cowboy hat. “I won’t ask you to keep it a secret or anything. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
Music began to play through the speaker system, festive holiday music with a light beat and plenty of familiarity.
“Where are you going?” Etta pressed.
“I haven’t decided,” he said. “I have a phone. I’ll keep you informed.” He turned to leave just as Bishop came bustling back into the kitchen.
“Okay,” his cousin said, pure joy radiating from him. “That’s done. Almost everyone is here. Pastor Summers says he’s waiting for a few more people. Should we start loading the buffet?”
He didn’t seem to notice that anything was wrong, and why should he? Bishop possessed a sunny, optimistic personality that drew everyone to him effortlessly. It was Ace who’d pushed everyone into a corner they didn’t want to be in.
He paused next to his cousin anyway. “Is Cactus here?”
Bishop sobered and finally seemed to clue in to the thundercloud hovering just inches above Ace’s head. He swallowed and shook his head. “I haven’t seen him yet.”
Yet.
That meant he wasn’t coming.
Ace nodded. “I’ll call him.”
“I already tried,” Bishop said. “No answer.”
Pure guilt filled Ace. Anger quickly followed, and it was directed at himself and Cactus. The man could be so stubborn sometimes. He nodded and left the kitchen.
Just then, an uproar filled True Blue, and people began crowding around someone. Ace took the opportunity to skirt around the back of the hall, using the arrival to escape without having to talk to anyone else in the family.
But it was Willa Knowlton who’d entered the barn, and Ace’s eyes widened. She’d left town weeks earlier, right in the middle of a date with Cactus, and he hadn’t heard from her since.
She looked around the room while accepting hugs and hellos, and Ace knew she was looking for him. She’d come tonight just to see him.
Ace pulled out his phone as he slipped out the front door of the barn and back into the night. He pressed into the shadows of the barn and stilled to avoid Judge and Preacher, who were walking in.
“…love Christmas,” Judge said happily.
“Yeah,” Preacher said, but it didn’t sound like he agreed all that much. “You go ahead. I think I left my phone in the truck.”
Judge went inside, but Preacher didn’t. He turned and retreated a few steps until he stood outside the cheery light spilling from the entrance of the barn. He sighed, and Ace knew the frustration it carried. Knew it deeply. Felt it in his very soul.
“What am I doing here?” Preacher asked, his face tipped up to the night sky. Clouds swirled through it, catching the moonlight and trapping it as they moved in the atmospheric winds. “Why don’t I fit in this family? Why did You send me to them?”
Another sigh fell from his mouth, and he pulled his phone from his pocket. He hadn’t left it in the truck, and Ace had never realized how unhappy Preacher was. Sure, he was a little quieter than Judge. He let Judge lead in every way, but Ace hadn’t noticed him being upset about that.
He lifted his phone to his ear and said, “Hey, Mister.”
Mister? Ace hadn’t realized the two of them were that close. Of course, it was Judge that Mister had a problem with, and well, Preacher and Judge were a pair. They always had been.
Ace didn’t want to stand here and listen to this. It was simply another secret he didn’t want to know.
He stepped out of the shadows and made his footsteps heavy as he approached Preacher, who turned around to see who was coming. Relief filled his face at the sight of Ace, and he said, “I don’t want to, though.”
Ace nodded to him and stopped next to him. “I’m leaving town for a little bit,” he said. “Do you want to come with me?”
Preacher’s eyes widened, and he said, “I have to go, Mister.” He hung up and lowered the phone. “You’re leaving town?”
“Yes.”
“Where are you going?”
“I have no idea.” He looked at Preacher, and so much was said between them. “I have money, and I’m sure I can find a hotel somewhere. It’s not rocket science.” Just because no one left the ranch didn’t mean it couldn’t be done.
In fact, it was time for someone to do it.
Even when Cactus ran, he didn’t run off the land. Everyone knew where to find him, because he wanted them to find him.
Ace didn’t want anyone to find him for a while. He needed to find himself.
“I’m leaving right now,” Ace said. ‘I have a bag in my truck. If you want to come, you’re welcome. I can take you home and wait while you pack some clothes or whatever.”
Without hesitation, Preacher said, “Let’s go.”
Ace started toward his truck, and once they were both inside, he said, “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want a bunch of questions. Okay?”
“Ditto,” Preacher said, not even looking at him.
Ace drove down the road to the side lane that led around the hill to the house where Preacher and Judge lived. Preacher got out and ran inside, and Ace tapped to get a call connected to Cactus.
The line rang and rang, and frustration filled and filled Ace’s lungs. After the voicemail message had barked out, “It’s Cactus. I probably won’t listen to this, because I didn’t answer your call for a reason. But whatever. Leave a message if you want,” Ace sighed and shook his head.
“Cactus,” he said. “You need to get over to True Blue. Willa Knowlton showed up, and it was obvious to anyone with eyes that she was looking for you. I’m not there, so don’t worry. I’m not going to say anything again, and you won’t have to see me.” He sighed, because he hated this contention. He wasn’t sure how Bear had dealt with his grizzly attitude, hurting people, and then apologizing all these years. It was horrible, and Ace hated it.
“Just get over there, okay? You and Willa will be good together, and she’s back in town. Okay, bye. Merry Christmas.”
He ended the call and leaned back against the head rest, a sigh coming from his mouth. He let his eyes drift closed, wondering if he should go south or north once he reached the highway. He’d ask Preacher and let him decide.
The door opened, startling him, and Preacher tossed a bag in the back seat before climbing in the front. The overhead light went off after he closed is door, and Ace asked, “Ready?”
“Yep.”
He backed out of the driveway and made his way through the darkness to the main road. Down the hill he went, and when he reached the highway, he looked left and then right. “Which way do you want to go?”
“Texas is south,” Preacher said. “The rest of the world is north.”
He looked at Ace, and with the lights on the dashboard and a hint of moonlight in the cab, he could see Preacher’s face just fine. “North,” they said together, and Ace flipped on his blinker.
Then he made the turn and drove away from Shiloh Ridge Ranch.
Chapter Thirty
Cactus glared at his phone. If it rang one more time….
“Put it on silent then,” he told himself. He knew how to disconnect from everyone. He knew how to go silent. He’d only gone part of the way this time, and he couldn’t figure out why.
He sighed as he reached for his jacket and pulled it on. He left through the back door, leaving his phone on the kitchen counter, and walked through the night to the tree that guarded his son’s grave.
&n
bsp; He kept a chair there, and he sat heavily in it. “I feel like I’ve taken ten steps backward,” he said. “Willa still won’t answer me. I have that blasted car for no reason. And everyone keeps calling.”
He wanted them to call. It meant he hadn’t been forgotten, and he actually appreciated hearing his phone ring and chime. No one had come out to the Edge Cabin except for Bear, and Cactus hadn’t even let him inside.
Then, when Lincoln and Benny had shown up, Cactus had relented. He couldn’t say no to Lincoln, and that blasted black and white dog had stolen his heart too.
Bishop had called and texted every day. Cactus would answer texts, but he didn’t want to talk. “I do and I don’t,” he said to the night, to the trees, to the sky, to the Lord. “I don’t understand, Lord. Why do I run like this? How do I figure out how to stay?”
You have stayed.
The thought filled him, though it barely belonged to him. He let it wash through his mind and fill his soul as he examined it.
He supposed he had stayed. He could’ve packed a few bags, loaded everything into his brand-new sedan, and left the ranch. He’d never done that. Even in his worst times, even when he had nothing here, even when the very sight of this ranch made him furious and then miserable, he’d stayed.
He may have removed himself emotionally from the family, but he’d stayed on the land. He maybe have removed himself spiritually from the Lord, but he’d stayed in the fold. He went to church. He prayed. He believed in God; he just wasn’t sure God believed in him.
No one had said anything to Cactus after Ace’s tirade last week. “That’s because they don’t care,” he murmured. “They don’t care that you bought a car so you could take Willa on a date. They don’t care that you go to therapy. Heck, most of them knew that anyway.”
That part was at least true. He’d told Bear, Ranger, and Ward about the therapy a long time ago. Judge knew too, because Cactus had told him he didn’t need to burden him anymore. Ace and Bishop knew, because they refused to retreat very far when Cactus pushed everyone away.
