“They sneak up on you like that and knock you backward,” he whispered like an abandoned soul kissing their loved ones goodbye. His voice was smoother than before. It was still deep with a bit of gruff to it, but this time there was a slight bit of innocence that existed in his sounds. “The little memories.”
I turned to face him and he was leaning up against the lawnmower. His stare had more life to it than I’d ever witnessed, but it was a sad kind of life. Broken stormy eyes. I inhaled just to keep from falling. “Sometimes I think the little memories are worse than the big ones. I can handle remembering his birthday or the day of his death, but remembering the little things like the way he cut the grass, or how he only read the comics in the newspaper, or how he only smoked one cigarette on New Year’s Eve…”
“Or the way she tied her shoes, or puddle jumped, or touched the palm of my hand with her pointer finger and always drew a heart…”
“You lost someone too?”
“My wife.”
Oh.
“And my son,” he whispered, quieter than before.
My heart shattered for him. “I’m so sorry, I couldn’t even imagine…” My words faded off as he stared at the newly cut grass. The idea of losing both the love of my life and my baby girl was too much; I would’ve given up.
“The way he said his prayers, the way he wrote his Rs backward, the way he broke his toy cars just so he could fix them…” Tristan’s voice was shaky, along with his body. He wasn’t speaking to me anymore. We were living in our own worlds of little memories, and even though we were both separate, somehow we managed to feel for one another. Lonely often recognized lonely. And today, for the first time, I began to see the man behind the beard.
I watched the poor soul’s eyes swell with emotion as he placed his headphones on his ears. He began to rake up all the grass clippings, not speaking another word my way.
People in town called him an asshole, and I could see why. He wasn’t nice, he wasn’t stable, and he was broken in all of the wrong and right places, but I couldn’t blame him for his coldness. Truth was I sort of envied Tristan’s ability to escape reality, to shut himself off from the world around him. It must have been nice to feel empty every now and then—Lord knew I thought about losing myself daily, but I had Emma to keep me sane.
If I had lost her too, I would’ve been emptying my mind of all emotion, of all the hurt.
When he finished with his work, his feet stopped moving but his chest kept rising and falling hard. He turned toward me, his eyes red, his thoughts probably scattered. His hand wiped against his brow and he cleared his throat. “Done.”
“Do you want some breakfast?” I asked, standing. “I made enough for you.”
He blinked once before he began to push the lawnmower back toward my porch. “No.” He walked toward his porch, disappearing from my view. As I stood there alone I closed my eyes, placed my hands over my heart, and for a small moment, I lost myself too.
9
Elizabeth
The next morning, I knew I had to stop by Tanner’s auto shop for the surprise he’d mentioned to me earlier that week. Emma, Bubba, and I skipped into town, her singing her own version of the Frozen soundtrack, me pulling out my eyelashes, and Bubba being a pleasantly silent stuffed animal.
“Uncle T!” Emma yelled, bum-rushing Tanner, whose head was looking under the hood of a car. Tanner turned around, his white shirt covered in oil stains, and his face dressed with the same substance.
He lifted her in his arms and spun her around before pulling her into a close hug. “Hey, munchkin. What’s that behind your ear?” he asked her.
“I don’t have anything behind my ear!”
“Oh, but I think you’re wrong.” He pulled his faithful quarter from behind Emma’s ear, making her laugh and laugh, which in turn made me smile. “How have you been?”
Emma smiled and went into a deep, thought-provoking story about how I let her dress herself that day, which ended with a purple tutu, rainbow socks, and a T-shirt with zombie penguins.
I smiled. Tanner stared her way as if truly interested in her story. After a few minutes, Tanner sent Emma off with a few dollar bills to go attack the candy machine with one of his workers, Gary. The whole way, I could hear Emma rehashing the story of how her outfit had come to life to poor Gary.
“She’s cuter than I remember.” Tanner smiled. “She has your smile.”
I grinned and thanked him, even though her smile reminded me more of Steven.
“So, I have something for you, come here.” He led me to the back room where a sheet was covering a car. When he pulled it off, my legs almost buckled beneath me.
“How?” I asked, walking around the jeep, running my fingers across it. Steven’s jeep looked newer than ever. “It was totaled.”
“Ah, bumps and bruises can always be healed.”
“This had to cost you a fortune.”
He shrugged. “Steven was my best friend. You’re one of my best friends. I just wanted you to have something familiar to come home to.”
“You always knew I would come back?”
“We all hoped.” Tanner bit his bottom lip as he stared at the jeep. “I still can’t stop blaming myself. The week before the accident I begged him to stop into my shop so I could give the car a tune up. He said he would be good for a few more months. I can’t help but think that maybe I could’ve noticed something was wrong with the car if he stopped in to see me. If he had let me get under the hood, then maybe he would still…” He pinched the bridge of his nose and stopped talking.
“It wasn’t your fault, Tanner.”
He sniffled and gave me a tight smile. “Yeah, well. The thought just passes through my mind every now and then. Now come on, hop inside.”
I stepped into the driver’s seat and sat. My eyes closed and I took a few deep breaths as I lay my hand across to the passenger seat, waiting for that touch, the warmth of another’s hand to hold. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. I’m good, I’m good. Then I felt the hold from another, and when my eyes opened, I saw Emma’s small hand sitting in mine, chocolate all over her face. She smiled wide, causing me to do the same.
“You okay, Mama?” she asked.
One breath.
“Yes, baby. I’m good.”
Tanner walked over to me and placed the keys in my hand. “Welcome home, ladies. Remember, if you need me to help with the lawn and stuff, just give me a call.”
“Tick already did it!” Emma exclaimed.
Tanner arched an eyebrow. “What?”
“I actually ended up hiring a guy to do it. Well, kind of. I owe him some kind of payment.”
“What? Liz, I could’ve done it for free. Who did you hire?”
I knew he wouldn’t like the answer. “His name is Tristan…”
“Tristan Cole?!” Tanner ran his fingers over his face, which was turning red. “Liz, he’s an asshole.”
“He’s not.” Yeah, okay, he is.
“Trust me, he is. He’s a fucking nut job too. Did you know he works for Mr. Henson? He’s the freaking case study of insanity.”
I didn’t know why, but Tanner’s words made me feel as if he were speaking about me. “That’s really harsh, Tanner.”
“He’s insane. And Tristan is dangerous. Just…let me handle the work around the house. God. I hate that he lives next door to you.”
“He did a great job. It’s really not a big deal.”
“It is. It’s just, you’re too trusting. You need to use your head a little more than your heart. You have to think.” Ouch. “I don’t like this at all, Liz. And I doubt Steven would’ve either.”
“Yeah, well. He’s not really around anymore,” I hissed, feeling a bit embarrassed, and a lot hurt. “I’m not an idiot, Tanner. And I can handle this. Just…” I paused, forcing out a smile. “Thank you for this. For the jeep. You have no clue how much it means to me.”
He must have seen through my fake smile because he placed a hand on my shoulder. �
��Sorry. I’m an asshole. I just worry. If anything happened to you…”
“I’m fine. We’re safe. I swear.”
“Okay. Well, get out of here before I say something else I’ll regret.” He smirked. “Emma, take care of your mama, all right?”
“Why? I’m the kid, not her,” Emma sassed. I couldn’t help but laugh, because she was one hundred percent right.
10
Elizabeth
Each Friday after I dropped Emma at her grandparents’ house, I walked into town for the farmers market. All of the townspeople came to the center of downtown Meadows Creek to sell and trade their products. The smells of the fresh breads, the displays of the flowers, and the small town gossip always made the journey worth it.
Steven and I had always come to the market to check out the fresh flowers, so when Friday came around with the fresh roses, I always stood in the middle of it all, breathing in the memories and breathing out the hurt.
During my weekly trip to the farmers market, I always noticed Tristan walking around. We hadn’t spoken since he’d cut my grass, but I couldn’t stop thinking about his sad eyes. I couldn’t stop thinking about his wife and son. When had he lost them? And how? How long had Tristan been living his current nightmare?
I wanted to know more.
Sometimes, I would see him walk out to the shed in his backyard, and he would stay there for hours. The only time he came out was when he would cut wood with his table saw, and then he would go back inside and stay hidden.
Whenever he walked past me, my cheeks flushed and I’d turn away as if I hadn’t seen him. Even though I had. I always saw him, and I wasn’t exactly sure why.
Everyone told me he was callous, and I believed them. I’d seen the harsh realities that lived in Tristan. But I’d also seen another side of him that many didn’t notice. I’d seen him fall apart when he learned that Zeus would be okay. I’d seen him slowly open up about the loss of his wife and son. I’d seen a gentle, broken side of Tristan that many seemed to miss.
Currently, in the middle of the farmers market, I was so intrigued by another side of Tristan. Each week, he would walk around as if he didn’t see anyone. He was focused on his mission, which was always to buy bags of groceries and fresh flowers. Then he would disappear up the hills, stopping by the bridge where he always handed all the groceries and flowers to a homeless man.
As he handed the bags off to the guy, I was only a few feet away from him because I was heading back to the house. As I approached him, I couldn’t stop the smile that was overtaking me. He started walking in the direction of his house.
“Hey, Tristan.”
He looked my way with a blank stare.
He continued walking.
It was as though we were back to day one. I hurried my footsteps to keep up with his long strides. “I just wanted to say I thought that was really nice. It’s really sweet what you do for that man. I think it’s really—”
He shot around and stepped toward me. His jaw clenched and he narrowed his eyes. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“What?” I stammered, confused by his tone.
He stepped closer. “You think I don’t see the way you look at me?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I want to make something clear to you,” he whispered harshly. Tristan blinked once before his stormy eyes reappeared. “I don’t want to be involved with you in any way, shape, or form. Okay? I cut your fucking grass because you annoyed the living shit out of me. That’s all. I want nothing to do with you again. So stop with the damn looks.”
“You th—you think I’m hitting on you?!” I cried out as we reached the top of the hill. He cocked an eyebrow and gave me a hell-yes-I-think-you’re-hitting-on-me look. “I thought it was nice, okay?! You give the guy food, you prick! And I wasn’t trying to ask you out or hit on you, I was trying to have a conversation with you.”
“Why would you want to have a conversation with me?”
“I don’t know!” I said, my words somersaulting off my tongue. I was truly unsure why I would have wanted to be in a conversation with someone who was so hot and cold on a daily basis. One day he was opening up about his demons, and the next he was shouting at me for saying hello. I can’t win. “Stupid me for thinking we could’ve been friends.”
His eyebrows furrowed. “Why would I want to be your friend?”
A shiver ran across my body. I wasn’t sure if it was due to the light breeze or due to Tristan intruding on my personal space.
“I don’t know. Because you seem lonely and I’m lonely. And I thought—”
“You didn’t think.”
“Why are you so mean?”
“Why are you always watching me?”
My lips parted to speak, but no reply came to mind. We stared at each other, so close that our bodies were almost linked, so close that our lips were almost touching.
“Everyone in this town is afraid of me. Do I scare you, Elizabeth?” he whispered, his breaths brushing against my lips.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I see you.”
The coldness in his stare softened for a split second, almost as if he was confused by those four words. But I did see him. I saw past the hate in his stare and noticed the hurt in his frown. I saw the broken parts that somehow matched my own.
Without thought, Tristan pulled me to his body, his lips pressing hard against mine. The confusion swimming around in my head began to fade as his tongue slipped between my lips and I kissed him back. I kissed him back, and maybe even kissed him more than he kissed me. God, I missed that. I missed kissing. The feeling of falling into someone who was holding you up from hitting rock bottom. The feeling of warmth washing against your skin as another person supplied you with your next few breaths.
I missed being held, I missed being touched, I missed being wanted…
I missed Steven.
Tristan’s kisses were angry and sad, apologetic and agonizing, raw and authentic.
Just like mine.
My tongue slid across his bottom lip, and I pressed my hands against his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeats flying through my fingertips—flying into my own body.
For a few seconds, I felt like I had felt before.
Whole.
Complete.
A part of something divine.
Tristan hastily yanked his mouth away from mine and turned away, leading me back to my current, dark reality.
Broken.
Incomplete.
Lonely all the time.
“You don’t know me, so stop acting like you do,” he said. He started walking again, leaving me standing, perplexed.
What was that?!
“You felt it too, didn’t you?” I asked, watching him walk away. “It felt like…it felt like they were still here. It felt like Steven was here. Did it feel like your wife—”
He turned with a fire burning in his stare. “Don’t ever speak about my wife as if you know anything about her or me.” He began to hurry away once again.
He felt it.
I knew he did.
“You can’t…you can’t just walk away, Tristan. We can talk to each other. About them. We can help each other remember.” My biggest fear ever was the idea of forgetting.
He kept walking.
I hurried beside him once more. “Besides, that’s the point of becoming someone’s friend. To get to know them. To have someone to talk to.” My chest was rapidly rising and falling as I became more and more upset with him for walking away in the midst of our conversation. In the midst of the most painful and satisfying kiss my lips had ever experienced. He was helping me remember what it had been like to feel happy, and I hated him for walking away. I hated him for taking that small moment of lust that faintly reminded me of the love that had been taken away from me. “God. Why do you have to be such a…such a…monster?!”
He turned to me, and a split second of misery tinged his eye
s before his jaw and his facial expression hardened. “I don’t want you, Elizabeth.” He tossed his hands up in frustration and stepped toward me. “I don’t want anything to do with you.” He stepped closer. I stepped back. “I don’t want to talk to you about your fucking dead husband.” Another step closer. “I don’t want to tell you shit about my dead wife.” Step, step. Back, back. “I don’t want to touch you.” Closer. Backward. “I don’t want to kiss you.” Step. “I don’t want to lick you.” Back. Back. Step. Step. “And I damn sure don’t want to be your fucking friend. So leave me alone and just shut the hell up!” he hollered, standing over me, his voice rocketing from his mouth like a clap of thunder, making me jump with fright.
As I took one final step backward, the heel of my shoe skidded over a rock, causing me to tumble down the hill. Every bump and thump was felt throughout my body the whole way down. Minus a few bruises and a ton of embarrassment, I was fine.
Tristan was standing over me within an instant. “Shit,” he muttered. “Are you okay? Here,” he said, reaching his hand out to me.
I refused his offer and stood on my own. His eyes were filled with concern, but I didn’t care. They would probably be filled with hate within a moment’s time.
Seconds before the fall, he had told me to shut up, so that was exactly what I’d do. I gave him exactly what he wanted. I limped back home in silence, not once looking his way, even though I could see his pathetic stare out of the corner of my eye.
“He pushed you down a hill?!” Faye shouted into the phone. The moment I’d returned from my interaction with Tristan, I’d called her. I needed my best friend to tell me that no matter what, I was right and Tristan was wrong.
Even if I had called him a monster.
“Well, not exactly. He yelled at me, and I kind of tripped.”
“After he kissed you?”
“Yes.”
“Ugh. I hate him. I hate him so much.”
I nodded. “I hate him too.”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 7
