I sat up in bed, wide awake within seconds. “Where is he?” Jacob gave me all of the information, and I scrambled out of the bed, searching for a pen and paper to scribble it all down. “Thanks, Jacob. I’ll be there soon.”
“Yeah okay. Listen, you might want to bring Kellan, too.”
I hurried to Kellan and Erika’s bedroom and banged on the door. My heart pounded against my ribcage, and I bit my tongue to keep from crying. My body wouldn’t stop shaking as I waited to hear Kellan’s voice. When he opened the door and spoke, I took in a pained breath. He sounded so much like Logan, it almost knocked me backwards. It’d been a few weeks since Logan stopped talking to me. All I wanted to do was hear his voice again.
“Alyssa? What’s wrong?” Kellan asked, alarm and alertness filling his tones. He knew just as I did that a late night call when Logan was using again could’ve always been the call that we each feared the most. “Is he…”
“I don’t know,” I replied. I told him everything I knew though, and we were out the door within minutes.
When we arrived to the party, Jacob was standing on the front porch of some broken down house while Logan laid on a bench. His eyes were hardly open, and he was drooling out of the left side of his mouth.
“Jesus,” Kellan muttered, walking up to his brother.
“He’s not that responsive.”
“What did he take?” Kellan asked.
“He was shooting up some heroin, and I think he did blow earlier. I don’t know what else though.”
“Why didn’t you call the cops?!” I screamed. I rushed over to Logan, and tried to lift his body. He cringed at the movement, and started to throw up on the porch.
“I don’t know, man. Listen, normally Logan can handle this shit. But these past few weeks he’s been getting into some deep shit. I couldn’t call the cops because… Look. I didn’t know what to do, so I called you guys.”
I’d known Jacob for a while. Logan didn’t have many people he called friend, but Jacob was one of the rare few that he spoke about in a good light. But I disagreed that night. A real friend—a true friend—would never let someone fall so deeply and not even reach out a hand.
“You should’ve called an ambulance,” I hissed, angered. Scared. Angered and scared.
“Help me get him to the car,” Kellan ordered Jacob. They laid him in the backseat, and I climbed back there with him. “He might throw up again, Alyssa. You might want to sit up front.”
“I’m fine here,” I replied.
Kellan thanked Jacob, and we drove off toward the hospital to get Logan checked out. I’d never seen him like that, and I was seconds away from losing my mind.
“Keep him awake, okay?” Kellan said.
I nodded as my tears fell against Logan’s cheeks. “You have to stay awake, okay? Keep your eyes open, Lo.” He laid his head in my lap in the backseat of Kellan’s car, and I was terrified that if he closed his eyes, they wouldn’t open back up. His whole body was soaked from his own sweat, and every inhale he partook in looked painful. Every exhale, exhausting.
He laughed. “Hi.”
My lips turned down. “Hi, Logan.”
His head shook back and forth, and he sat up on his elbows. “No. Not hi. High. H-I-G-H.” I hated when he talked about being high. I hated the way he lost himself in something that changed him from my best friend into my greatest fear. What happened to you tonight, Logan? What made him go so deeply toward the darkness?
I paused, knowing the answer.
It was me.
I did this to him.
I made him chase his shadows.
I’m sorry, Logan.
My Mom’s words rang in my ears and mind as I stared down into his slatted eyes. He’s an addict, Alyssa. He’s sick, and he’s not going to get better. He’ll drag you down into the flames before you bring him fresh air. You should give up on him. He’s a lost cause. Kellan and you both are his enablers. You’re allowing this to keep happening and it’s only going to get worse…
“You’re high,” Logan whispered, falling back down.
“What?”
“You call me Lo, which makes sense because I am low. I’m the bottom of the fucking pit. But you?” he chuckled and closed his eyes. “You’re my High. And you broke my fucking heart.”
Tears filled my eyes as I held him in my arms. “Keep your eyes open, Lo. Okay? Just keep your eyes open.” I glanced to the front of the car, where Kellan was wiping at his face. I knew seeing his brother in the shape he was had to be the hardest thing ever.
I knew Kellan’s heart had to be breaking like mine was.
“Take me back,” he muttered, trying to push himself up from the backseat.
“Chill out, Logan. Everything’s okay,” Kellan said.
“No. Take me back,” he hollered, leaping up from my lap and diving at the wheel, making Kellan swerve the car. “Take me back!” We both tried to stop him, to get him to control himself, to get him to calm down, but before we could, Kellan lost control.
The car took a sharp left.
And everything went black.
12
Logan
When my eyes opened, I was in a hospital bed, and sunlight was shining through my window. I tried to turn away, but everything hurt. “Shit,” I muttered.
“You okay?” a voice said. I twisted my head over to see Kellan sitting in a chair with packets in his hand, and a large bandage on his forehead. He was wearing a hoodie, and sweatpants, and missing the smile that was always on his face.
“No. I feel like I’ve been hit by a semi-truck.”
“Or maybe like you hit a freaking building,” someone else murmured. I turned to my left to see Erika. Her arms were crossed, and her stare harsh. Beside her was a man in a bowtie holding a notepad, and Jacob was in the far corner, sitting on the countertop.
What happened? Why was Jacob with Kellan?
“You don’t remember?” Kellan asked, sounding somewhat short with me.
“Remember what?”
“Driving into a freaking building!” Erika exclaimed, her voice shaky. The man beside her put a comforting hand on her shoulder. I closed my eyes, trying to remember what happened, but everything seemed a blur.
“Logan.” Kellan pinched the bridge of his nose. “We found you passed out on a front porch. Then we were trying to bring you to the hospital to get you checked out, you panicked and took control of the wheel, making us hit a building.”
“What?” My throat was dry. “Are you okay?”
He nodded, but Erika disagreed. “Show him your side, Kellan.”
“Stop, Erika.”
“No. He needs to see this. He needs to see what he’s done.”
Kellan lowered his head, staring at his shoes. “Drop it, Erika.”
“Show me,” I ordered. He rubbed the back of his neck as he pulled up his hoodie, showing his whole left side which was black, blue, and shades of purple from top to bottom. “Holy shit. I did that?”
“It’s fine,” Kellan said.
“It’s not,” Erika snapped.
She’s right, it’s not.
“Kel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“That’s not even the worst of it! You almost killed my sister!” she shouted.
My heart dropped to my gut.
Alyssa.
High.
My greatest high.
“What happened to Alyssa? Where is she?” I barked, trying to sit up, but failing from the pain that shot through my back.
“Logan, relax. The doctors are helping Alyssa. But right now is about you. We brought someone here to help you,” Kellan said.
“Help me what? I don’t need anyone’s help. What happened to Alyssa?” I felt the walls in the room closing in. What was I doing here? Why was everyone looking at me as if I were damaged goods? Why won’t they tell me about Alyssa?
“We’re all here because we love you,” Kellan tried to explain. Then it clicked in my head. I realized why the bowtie
man was standing in the room. I read one of the packets in Kellan’s hands, and I closed my eyes tight. They’re having an intervention for me. In a hospital room.
“Love?” I hissed, my voice filled with bitterness as I slowly realized what was going on. “Bullshit.”
“Come on, Logan. That’s not fair,” Kellan said. I turned to meet Kellan’s heavy eyes as he looked at me with fear, worry.
“Don’t ‘come on, Logan,’ me, Kellan. So what?” I looked up from my fidgeting hands. “This is an intervention? You all think I’m so fucked up that you had to gather into a hospital room and embarrass the living shit out of me because you think I’m dangerous? You have to bring in people that don’t give two shits about me? I made one mistake last night.” I gestured toward Jacob. “It’s pretty hypocritical to have the asshole who got high with me last week here, don’t you think? Jacob, I’m almost positive you’re fucked up right now.”
Jacob frowned. “Come on, Logan…”
“No. And Erika, I don’t even know why the hell you’re even here. You can’t stand me,” I said.
“I don’t hate you, Logan.” She swallowed hard. “Come on, that’s harsh.”
“I really fucking wish you guys would stop saying ‘come on’ as if you’re better than me. You’re not better than me.” I laughed sarcastically, trying to sit up a bit. I was growing defensive, because deep inside of me, I knew they were right. “It’s comical, actually. Because here we are talking about me being screwed up in the head when we are sitting in a room filled with people who are just as fucked up, if not more, than I am. Kellan here can’t even stand up to his dick of a father to let him know that he wants to be a musician instead of a lawyer. Jacob has an addiction to weird damn porn that involves forks and shit. Erika breaks one plate and buys fifty to replace them, just in fucking case the new one shatters too. Does no one else find her break and buy lifestyle insane?”
“I think we all just want you to get better, Logan,” Kellan said. I wondered if Kellan’s heartbeats were as frantic as mine currently were. “I can only imagine what you’ve been through with staying with Ma. I doubt she makes it easy to stay clean.”
“You must be feeling pretty good,” I said, brushing my finger beneath my nose. “Because you’re Kellan, the golden child. The one with the rich father. The one with a future. The one with a full ride to a top college to become a top lawyer. And I’m just the fucked-up brother with a crackhead mother and a drug dealing father. Well, congratulations, Kellan. You’re the winner. You are mom’s better son who made something of himself, and I’m just a pathetic piece of shit kid who will probably be dead by twenty-five.”
Kellan took in a pained breath. “Why would you ever even say that kind of shit?” His nose flared as he paced the hospital room. “What’s wrong with you, Logan? Wake up. Wake up. We’re all trying to help you and you’re yelling at us as if we are the enemy, when in reality the enemy is your own mind. You’re killing yourself. You’re fucking killing yourself and you don’t care,” he shouted. Kellan never raised his voice—never.
I went to say something, but Kellan’s stare stopped me. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of hatred.
His hands rubbed against his face over and over again as he tried to calm himself. When he spoke, he sniffled to hold back his own emotion. He tossed the pamphlets toward me, and when they landed in my lap, I read the words over and over again.
St. Michaels Health and Rehabilitation Clinic
Waterloo, Iowa
“Rehab?” I said. “You think I need rehab? You all think I need rehab? I’m fine.”
“You drove a car into a building,” Erika recited again for the hundredth time.
“It was an accident, Erika! Haven’t you ever made a mistake!”
“Yes, Logan. But not one that almost killed my boyfriend and sister. You’re a complete mess, and if you don’t get help, you’ll hurt more people than you already have.”
Where’s High?
“Listen, we are getting off track. Logan. We want to help. My dad will pay for your stay in Iowa. It’s one of the best facilities in the country. I think you could really get the help you need,” Kellan explained.
I opened my mouth to say something again, but Kellan caught my action. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I swore for a second I saw a glimpse of love.
A glimpse of hope.
A glimpse of pleading.
“Can I talk to my brother alone?” I whispered, closing my eyes. Everyone else in the room left, closing the door behind me. “I’m sorry, Kel,” I said, fiddling with my fingers. “I didn’t mean to cause the accident. I didn’t mean to. But after Alyssa said she was having an abortion—”
“What?” Kellan cut in.
“You didn’t know? Alyssa was pregnant. But she had an abortion a few weeks ago. Her mom took her, and it fucked with my mind, Kel. I know that I’ve been off these past few weeks, but my mind is messed up.”
“Logan…” Kellan moved in closer, pulling a chair up to the side of my bed. “She didn’t have an abortion.”
“What?” My heart started racing, and my fingers gripped the railing on the bed frame. “But her mom said—”
“Her mom kicked her out when Alyssa told her she was going to keep the baby. She wanted to tell you, but you freaking disappeared.”
I sat up, in pain, but filled with hope. “She didn’t do it?”
His stare fell to his hands, which were clasped together. “No.”
“So…” I choked on the emotions running through me. “I’m going to be a dad?”
“Logan,” Kellan said, shaking his head. His mouth parted, but he didn’t say anything for a moment. He brushed his hands against his temple. “During the car accident, she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. When you went to grab the wheel, she went to grab you. When the collision happened, she flew up and out of the back window when it shattered.”
“No.” I shook my head.
“She’s okay, but…”
“Don’t, Kellan.”
“Logan. She lost the baby.”
My thumbs pressed against my eyes to hold back the tears. “Don’t say that, Kel. Don’t say that.” I shoved him. “Don’t say that to me.”
“I’m so sorry, Logan.”
I began to sob into the palms of my hands, shaking hysterically. I did it. I caused the accident, I did this. It’s all my fault. Kellan wrapped his arms around me as I fell apart, unable to speak any words, unable to stop the hurt, unable to breathe. Each inhale felt painful, each exhale, a chore.
13
Alyssa
“Hey,” Logan whispered, walking into my hospital room. He was in his regular clothes, and the few bruises on his face didn’t seem that bad. I hoped he knew how lucky he was to walk away from that accident.
“Hi.” For the past day I sat in the hospital bed debating what I’d say to him. My emotions traveled up and down, going back and forth between grief and rage for a long time. I wanted to scream at him nonstop. I wanted to tell him how much I blamed him, how much resentment I held for him to even question my motives with the baby. I knew his dreams, and I knew his heart. I knew we could’ve found a way to make it work. But, he disappeared. I wanted to hate him for a little while, but the moment I saw him, everything inside of me switched.
I was simply heartbroken.
He opened his mouth, but shut it fast. His fingers ruffled through his hair, and he wouldn’t make eye contact. Everything felt like a dream—how close we stood, but how far away we still felt. It was a dream that I couldn’t shake, and I wanted Logan to be the one to wake me.
I wanted him to promise me that this was simply a dream that had somehow turned into a vile nightmare, but that when dawn came, I’d wake up.
I wanted to wake up. Please God…wake me up.
I sat on the right side of the bed, and my knees bent up to my chest. I choked on each breath I took. The air in the room was stuffy, toxic, dead. My need to cry grew heavier and
heavier as my body shook. Just looking at Logan broke my heart into a million pieces, but I didn’t shed a tear. “I’m fine,” I finally said, feeling in every bone of my body that I wasn’t.
“Can I hold you?” he asked.
“No,” I said coldly.
“Okay,” he replied.
I looked down to my shaky hands, my mind jumbled. “Yes.”
“Yes?” he asked, his voice heightening a bit.
“Yes.”
His hand landed on my shoulder before he climbed into the hospital bed and wrapped me up into his hold. I shivered when I felt his fingers touch my skin for the first time in a long time as his fingers wrapped around me. “I’m sorry, High.”
His touch was so warm…
You came back to me.
The tears fell down my cheeks. My body was shaking uncontrollably as Logan held on strong, refusing to let go of me any time soon. Our foreheads fell against one another, and his warm tears intermixed with mine. “I’m so fucking sorry, High.” We stayed wrapped together, feeling the world on our shoulders, until we both fell asleep.
He came back.
When I awakened to find him still holding me, as if I were his lifeline, I turned my body to face him. He was sleeping; his inhales and exhales almost a whisper. My hands moved to his hands and I locked our fingers together. He stirred a bit before opening his eyes.
“Alyssa, I don’t know what to say. I didn’t know you were—I didn’t…” I’d never heard such vulnerability in his voice. The Logan who left my house weeks ago was so detached from me, from his emotions. But now, hearing him cry as he wrapped his hands around my face made the little bit of my heart that was still beating shatter. “I shouldn’t have gone off the deep end. I should’ve stayed. I should’ve talked to you. But now, because of me—because of me…” He buried his head into my shoulder as he lost himself. “I killed him,” he said, speaking of the baby. “It’s my fault.”
I took my hands and cradled his face the way he held mine. “Logan. Don’t do this to yourself.” I could almost feel the blame he felt as his eyes spilled out with emotion. I nestled my head against his neck and my hot breaths melted against his skin. My hooded eyes were exhausted and I blinked a few times before closing them and muttering against his ear. “Don’t do this to yourself.” I couldn’t hate him. No matter what happened, hating Logan wasn’t something I’d ever be able to do, but loving him? That love was always going to be there. We’d figure out how to move on from the terrible tragic accident together. It was us against the world, we’d stand together.
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