Nothing more, nothing less.
16
Logan
My stare was trained on Alyssa as she walked around the diner, helping customers. I sat in a back corner, unable to be seen from her location. I shouldn’t be here. My mind knew all of the reasons I shouldn’t have walked into the diner that day, but my heart felt a tug in her direction.
She still smiled the same. That made me happy and sad all at once. How many smiles had I missed? Who did she smile for nowadays?
“Here’s your omelet,” my waitress said sitting the plate in front of me. Her face was somewhat pale, and sweat was dripping at her forehead. She rocked back and forth, trying to force a smile. “Anything else I can get you?” she questioned.
“Orange juice would be great,” I said.
She nodded in reply, walking away.
I picked up the salt shaker and started to add some to my omelet. A loud chuckle escaped the diner, and I took a deep breath. Alyssa’s laugh. It hadn’t changed. I shut my eyes, feeling my chest tighten. Memories flooded me like a hurricane, knocking me backwards as I envisioned all of the times I laid beside her, listening to her laugh ripple through my soul.
“If you wanted a plate of salt with an omelet on the side, you could’ve just asked,” a voice offered, snapping my mind from the past. My stare fell to the omelet that I’d been mindlessly shaking salt onto for the past five minutes.
“Sorry,” I muttered, placing the salt shaker onto the table.
“No need to be sorry. We all have our preferences,” the voice promised. “Anyway, the wait staff is being hammered, Jenny was just sent home with the flu, and I was ordered to bring you an orange juice and take over your table.”
My eyes moved to the girl speaking. She had full, rose-colored lips and blue eyes that were more than familiar to me; they were the one thing amazing about that town. Those eyes had a talent of being able to smile all on their own. Her blonde hair was straight, and she had bangs that fell over her eyebrows.
Neither of us had spoken a word.
She kept staring.
I wouldn’t look away.
Alyssa.
High.
My greatest High.
She looked beautiful, but that wasn’t surprising. There wasn’t one day I remembered where she wasn’t beautiful. Even on the days where I was too far gone to open my eyes, I remembered the beauty of her soft words begging me to come back to her, to keep breathing.
“Logan,” she whispered, placing the glass of orange juice onto the table. I stood up from my chair as she stepped forward toward me. At first I thought she was going to hug me, embrace me, forgive me for being me and never returning her calls. But in reality, she wasn’t going to hug me. Her palm was open, and I knew right when I saw it, she was going to slap me. Hard. Whenever Alyssa did anything, she did it with full force, nothing was ever half-assed.
Her arm rose, came at me swift, and I was ready for the sting that I deserved. I closed my eyes in anticipation, but I never felt her touch. God, how I wanted to feel her touch. Opening my eyes, I watched her shaky hand hovering in the air, centimeters from my cheek. Our eyes locked and I saw the tears burning in the back of her eyes, the confusion, the heartbreak.
“Hi, Alyssa,” I softly spoke. She cringed and closed her eyes. Her hand stayed in the air and I took it in my own, laying her fingers against my cheek. A small whimper of pain escaped her lips as her skin laid against mine. I pulled her closer into a hug, and it felt just like yesterday. Her skin was so cold, like always, and my body heated hers up. Her fingers moved from my cheek, and she wrapped both arms around my neck, holding onto me as if she forgave me for all of the missed calls and silence.
Her fingers clung to me, almost digging into my flesh as if she thought I was some kind of mirage that would disappear if she didn’t keep hold. I didn’t blame her—I’d disappeared before.
I inhaled her hair.
Peaches.
God, I hated peaches until that day.
She smelled like the days when summer went to sleep and awakened as fall. Soft, sweet, perfect.
My fucking High.
“I missed…” she spoke against my ear.
“I know,” I replied.
“You left…” she started.
“I know,” I replied.
“How dare you…” she began.
“I know,” I replied.
Her body tensed up and she yanked away from me. The sadness in her eyes was gone. Only anger remained.
That seems right.
“You know?” she hissed, standing tall, but still so small. Her arms crossed and she bit her bottom lip. The small crinkles in the corners of her eyes deepened, and it was clear that she wasn’t that same girl I left behind years ago. She was a grown woman now, and she had a fire burning deep in her soul. “I called you.”
“I know.”
Her brow furrowed. “No. I called you, Logan. I called you and left you over five hundred messages.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
I didn’t want to correct her.
“You disappeared. You left me. Us. Kellan. You left us all,” she said. “I understand you needing your space, but you left me. After everything we’ve been through—after what happened—you left me alone with that.”
“I was getting better. I was working through the shit with my mom, the shit with you, and yeah, I was a mess, but I just needed time.”
“I gave you space, and you still stayed gone.”
“You called me every day, Alyssa. That’s not giving me space.”
“Kellan and I saved your life, and we thought you’d come back. I called you every day to let you know I was here, waiting. I thought you’d come back for me. For us.”
“You can’t save people’s lives, and you can’t expect people to come back for you, Alyssa. You should’ve known that after what happened with—” I bit my tongue, stopping my speech, but I knew I couldn’t take back my words. She knew what I was going to say. You should’ve known that after what happened with your father.
“That was mean.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
Her head shook back and forth. “For someone who said nothing, it sure communicated plenty.” Her voice cracked. “Over five hundred messages, and not one reply.”
One thousand and ninety messages.
Still didn’t correct her.
“I didn’t have anything to say to you,” I lied. I was building the wall that I knew I had to build coming into town. I had to keep my emotions and mind at bay to keep me from falling back into Alyssa’s life. Last time I was in her life, I ruined it. I couldn’t allow myself to do that to her again. So, I had to be cold, harsh even.
Because she deserved better than to be waiting by her phone for someone like me to call her back.
“Nothing?” she stepped back, flabbergasted. “Not one thing? Not even hello?”
“I was always better at goodbyes.”
“Wow…” she blew out a sharp breath.
Every emotion I felt toward her throughout the years was coming back to me, stronger than ever. I was mad at myself for not calling her, I was sad, I was happy, I was confused, I was in love. I was everything that Alyssa ever made me feel.
My mind was seconds away from exploding.
“You know what?” She cleared her throat and gave me a tight smile. “We aren’t going to do this.”
“Do what?”
“Fight. Argue. Because if we do that, you know what it means? It would mean you and I had some kind of relationship, which we don’t. You became a stranger the moment you disappeared into the cornfields of Iowa.”
My lips parted, but before I could speak, she’d turned on her heel and stormed off to help another table. She had a fake smile pasted to her face while she spoke to the customers. Her foot tapped nonstop against the checkered floor, and there was a slight rock back and forth to her body.
Her eyes shot over to me, as she spoke to the individual
s.
“Well, I think I’ll have the eggs over easy and,”–one customer spoke, but was cut off by Alyssa storming back over to me—“bacon.”
“Does Kellan even know that you’re here?! Or were you just going to surprise attack him at his job, too?” Her hands hit her hips and she cocked an eyebrow.
I cocked a brow back at her. “Yeah. He’s the reason I’m here. For the wedding.”
“What?” she asked, flustered.
“The wedding… You know, how my brother is marrying your sister.”
“But…” she paused, her irritation dropping. “The wedding isn’t for another month. You came back a month early just to help with that?”
“Kellan said it was this weekend.”
“Well, that would definitely be news to me. But with everything that’s happening, I wouldn’t be shocked.”
“What does that mean? What’s happening?”
Her mouth opened, but no words came out. She tried again, nibbling on her bottom lip. “Are you using, Logan?”
“What?” I asked, defensively. “What the hell does that mean?”
“You know what it means. I just…” She started shaking, her nerves taking ahold of her. “I need to know if you’re clean. If you’ve been using anything.”
“That’s none of your business. Seeing how if I told you anything, that would mean we had some kind of relationship, and as you stated earlier we—”
“Lo,” she whispered. The nickname falling from her lips made me rethink my annoyance and my defensive approach.
Her eyes.
Her lips.
Alyssa.
High.
My greatest high.
“Yeah?” I whispered back.
“Are you using?”
“No.”
“Not even weed?”
“Only weed,” I replied. A heavy sigh fell from her lips. “Come on, Alyssa, give me a break. Weed is legal in some states.”
“Not in Iowa.” She was starting to sound like she was worried, which meant she kind of still cared, which meant hope. What did I care about hope though? The Keep Alyssa Out wall was built, and I wouldn’t be knocking it down any time soon. I’d be on the next train out of this place if a wedding wasn’t happening. “Only weed though?”
“Only weed.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
She stepped back once, before stepping forward twice. She held out her pinky in my direction. “Pinky?”
I stared at her pinky for a while, remembering all of the promises we used to make when we were younger, locking our fingers together.
My pinky wrapped around hers, the small touch filling me up. “Pinky.”
When we released our hold, she stepped back twice, before stepping forward once. Her hands stretched out toward me and without any thought, I took her hold. She pulled me from my seat and wrapped her arms around me. The way she held on so tight, told my gut that something was wrong.
“High, what is it?”
She pulled me closer, holding on while I refused to let go. Her lips pressed against my ear, her hot breaths dancing against my skin. “Nothing. It’s nothing.” When we parted, she put her hands in prayer position and pressed them against her lips, tilting her head slightly. “Lo…”
My fingers ran through my hair and I nodded. “High...”
“Welcome home,” she said.
“It’s not home. I’m just stopping in before leaving again.”
She shrugged. “Home is always home. Even when you don’t want it to be. And Logan?” she said, slightly rocking back and forth on her heels.
“Yeah?”
She didn’t say anything else, but I heard her loud and clear.
I missed you too, High.
17
Logan
I dropped my duffle bag on Kellan and Erika’s front porch before knocking. My stomach knotted, not knowing how it’d be seeing both of them after so long. Time had a way of changing people, and I wondered how much it had changed them. I let a few more seconds pass before building up the courage to knock.
When the door opened, a weighted sigh left me. Kellan gave me his big brother grin seconds before pulling me tight into a hug. “Your train was supposed to get in yesterday. You get lost, brother?”
I laughed. “I took the long way.”
“All right, let me look at you.” He stood back, crossed his arms, and chuckled. “You look buff or something. You legit left town as Peter Parker and came back as Spiderman.”
“Those radioactive spiders in Iowa aren’t fucking around man. And look at you!” I jokingly punched at his gut. “You look like a peanut. Maybe now I can kick your ass instead of vice versa.”
“Ha, don’t count on it. Still deep conditioning your hair like a woman, I see,” he said, messing up my perfect hair.
“Envy is one of the seven deadly sins, brother.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he snickered. Damn. It was good to see him. He looked just as great as he always did. You never realized how much you could miss a person until they were standing right in front of you after so long.
“Kellan, who’s at the door?” Erika said, walking out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. When she saw me, shock filled her up. “What are you doing here?”
“Good to see you too, Erika.”
“What are you doing here?” she asked again.
My eyes darted from Kellan to Erika, and back to Kellan. “I’m starting to wonder the same thing. What’s going on, Kel? I ran into Alyssa earlier and—”
“You ran into Alyssa?!” Erika exclaimed. It was funny…how little I missed her overly dramatic self.
“That’s what I just said. Anyway, and she said the wedding wasn’t this weekend?”
“Next month,” she corrected. “It’s next month. Why do you have a duffle bag with you?”
“Uh, I was told I would be staying with you two? For the wedding that doesn’t seem to be happening.”
“It’s next month!” she echoed once more. “It’s next month. I didn’t even know you were coming. Staying with us?” She started itching at her neck, her pale skin growing red with irritation. She looked so much like her sister, yet their personalities were so different that they could’ve been strangers. “Babe, can I talk to you in the bedroom for a minute?”
I stepped forward to follow her, making Kellan smirk as Erika growled with annoyance. “Oh? Sorry. When you said babe I assumed you were talking to me. But now I see it was directed toward my brother. My bad.”
Kellan chuckled. “Don’t be a dick.”
“Can’t help it. I have one, so I am one.”
The two hurried into the bedroom where the door slammed. I sat down on the sofa and right as I reached into my pocket, the bedroom door flew open.
“Logan?” Erika said.
“Yes?”
“Don’t touch anything.”
I tossed my hands up in defeat, and she reentered the bedroom, with another loud slam.
“I cannot believe you didn’t tell me he was coming, Kellan!” echoed through the house, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Even though I had no clue why I was currently back in the town that created all of my demons, it always felt like home to get under Erika’s skin.
Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes, and then lit one with my lighter. Glancing around the house, I was reminded of how much of a neat freak Erika was, and I couldn’t for a second understand how Kellan could put up with her. I was certain each day was filled with nagging.
When ashes began to form at the end of the cigarette, I panicked, knowing Erika would freak out if I got any on her probably overpriced coffee table. I hurried toward the dining room table that was set as if there were a big dinner party taking place, and grabbed a saucer, dropping the ashes onto that. I took the saucer back to the sofa, and relaxed a bit.
“Kellan, I just…we are already under so much stress. You have so much going on, with work. I’m workin
g on my master’s degree. Plus, we are trying to tie everything together for the wedding. Do you think having Logan here is a good idea?” she asked him, as I listened through the thin walls.
“He’s my brother.”
“You’re… We… I don’t know if this is a good idea.”
“He’s my brother.”
“But you know how he is. He’ll drag you into his crazy life, he always does.”
“Erika, he’s clean. He’s been clean for years now.” I could hear the irritation in Kellan’s voice, and a bit of disappointment overtook me. He was always one of the few to actually believe in me ever getting clean. Him and Alyssa. Everyone else considered me a lost cause.
Her voice held the same kind of aggression. “Or so he says. Seriously, how many times have we heard that from him? You have this need to parent him and your mom. You aren’t in charge of their lives, babe. And you’re not Logan’s father. Gosh, he’s not even your full brother! He’s your half-brother.”
I heard a loud slam, and my gut tightened up. Standing from the sofa, I was seconds away from going to check on them. The saucer full of ashes stayed in my grip as I walked toward the bedroom, yet I paused when I heard Kellan’s voice.
“If you ever say something like that again, I will walk out of this place and have a hard time looking back. Yeah, Logan has fucked up in the past. He’s burned bridges between you, and tons of other people. To many, he’s unforgiveable. But he’s my brother. None of that ‘half’ shit. One hundred percent, he’s my brother. I will look after him, and I will never give up on him. I will never burn that bridge, Erika. So if that bothers you, well, that’s probably going to be an issue.”
Their voices lowered, and I had to listen very closely to hear Erika apologize, followed by the exchanges of I love yous, and more apologies.
When the door opened, I stood with my cigarette hanging between my lips. The two stared at me, shocked to see me so nearby. “Listen, you guys,” I started.
“Are you smoking in the house?” Erika gasped, ripping the cigarette from between my lips. “And are you putting ashes on my good china?!” she whined, snatching the saucer from my hands. “Oh my gosh. My mom is going to be here in a few hours and now the place smells like smoke!”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 38
