He got a cheesy grin. “After all this time, after everything you guys went through, it’s still there, huh?”
“It’s just sex, Kellan. And we have only done it once. No commitment. No strings. Just a way to let loose.”
“No. It’s never been just sex between you two. Just to be clear, I always liked you guys together. Erika hated it, but I loved it.”
“Speaking of Erika, let’s not tell her. She’d freak out.”
“Freak out about what?” Erika said, walking back into the room with coffee in her left hand and a textbook in her right. She’d been taking night classes for her master’s degree, and when she wasn’t taking care of Kellan, her head was in a book. Sometimes even when she was taking care of Kellan, her head was still in a book.
“I broke a saucer at your house by accident,” I lied.
She glanced up from her book. “What?!”
“My bad.”
She started questioning me about every detail of the incident with the plate that I didn’t even really break, and Kellan smirked at me, before closing his eyes and waiting to finish his chemotherapy treatment.
Thirty-two hours after Kellan had his chemotherapy, he was determined to play a show at a bar. Erika and I both tried to talk him out of it, but he refused, telling us that he couldn’t just give up his dream. A black baseball cap sat on his head every day now, as he tried to hide the proof that he was losing his hair, but I knew better.
We never talked about it, though.
Kellan’s breaths were heavy as we walked from the house to the car, as if the few steps were almost deadly to him. That worried me so much.
“See, guys?” He took a deep inhale followed by a deeper exhale. Erika helped him into the passenger seat. “I’m fine.”
Erika grimaced for a moment, before giving him a fake smile. “You’re really doing great. I can’t wait to see in a few weeks how the chemo is working, because I know it is. I just have a feeling. And I love that we are keeping our normal lives, too. That you’re still playing the guitar at places. Routine is important, the doctors say. This is good. This is all good.” Erika kept repeating the words, and I placed a comforting hand toward the front passenger seat where Kellan sat.
I saw him give me a weak smile through the rearview mirror.
We only made it a few blocks before we had to pull over the car. Kellan launched from his seat, and started throwing up on the side of the road. Erika and I both rushed to his side, holding him steady so he wouldn’t fall over.
This cancer was becoming more real each day.
I hated it.
I hated everything about this disgusting disease. How it took the strongest people in the world and forced them to be weak. How it not only touched your loved ones, but sucked them dry.
If there were a magic pill I could have to take away all of his pain and transfer it to me, I’d take it every day of my life.
My brother didn’t deserve to be going through his current struggles.
No human did.
I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy.
We got him back to the car and drove straight home, knowing there was no way Kellan could’ve performed in his current state. When we arrived to their house, both Erika and I had to help him walk into his bedroom.
“I’m fine,” he said, his voice exhausted. “I just need a little sleep. I should’ve planned the show further away from the chemo. Just a stupid mistake.”
“I’ll be in the living room studying if you need anything, okay hun?” Erika said, helping him lie down, and then covering him up. She kissed his nose, and he closed his eyes.
“Okay.”
She left the room, and I stayed behind, watching his chest rise and fall. He looked so skinny that it made me ill. How can I fix you? What can I do to make this right?
“I’m fine, Logan,” he said, as if he were reading my mind.
“I know, it’s just… I worry, that’s all.”
“Don’t waste your time. Because I’m fine.”
I shrugged my left shoulder. I love you, brother.
He shrugged his right, as if he could see my action even with his eyes closed.
“I’m gonna go out for a little bit. Have Erika call me if you need anything.”
“Going out for some cookies? For a little shake? For some adult activities with a girl named Alyssa?” he teased.
“Kellan, shut up,” I laughed.
But yeah.
That was exactly where I was going.
30
Alyssa
The first time, he stood on my front porch, ran his hands through his hair, and told me to not invite him inside. Then, he came back the next day, and the next. And the next. I wanted to know the kinds of thoughts that ran through his mind each day. What his daydreams were like and what his nightmares entailed. But since we weren’t talking, I’d have to use his body language to figure it out. When he was angry with his parents, he was rough. When he was heartbroken about Kellan, his body lingered against mine a bit longer.
I stepped to the left of my doorframe. He entered the house.
We didn’t make it past the foyer this time. He ripped at my clothes, and I tore at his. He lifted me up against the front closet door, and tugged on my hair as my hands became tangled in his. My legs wrapped tightly around his waist, and he didn’t warn me before he entered. The shock sent ripples through me, making me moan his name as he began pounding me, each thrust harder than the last. I was seconds away from losing myself against him.
One of his hands gripped my back and the other squeezed my breasts as he rocked in deeper.
Feel.
Taste.
Suck.
Fuck…
We were slowly becoming addicted to the act of him showing up, and me inviting him in. Passion was our drug, and we were addicted to the high. I cried out his name as he grunted out mine. We thrust and heaved and clenched and sighed. We caught our breaths as he lowered my feet to the ground. But this time, instead of leaving my house, he started walking toward my living room.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he walked down my hallway, toward my bedroom.
“Put your clothes back on.”
“What? Why?”
“So I can take them off again.”
31
Alyssa
My greatest fucking High…
32
Alyssa
My most painful Lo…
33
Logan
“She’s not home,” a kind voice said. I’d been standing there for a few minutes, knocking, waiting for her to let me in, but there hadn’t been an answer. “She’s working at Red’s piano bar tonight. She’ll be performing there all week long.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.”
The voice belonged to a woman who was probably around her seventies, and had silvery-gray hair that fell down her back. She was sitting on the porch next door, in a rocking chair, reading a novel as she hummed to a tune of her own. As I started down Alyssa’s steps, the woman spoke again.
“So what’s your motive with Aly, huh?”
“Excuse me?”
“Come here,” she ordered, waving me over as she closed her book. I walked over to her front porch and took a seat beside her. “My name’s Lori, and I’ve known that girl next door for many years now. Served more pancakes with her than anyone I’ve ever worked with. She has guys throwing themselves at her daily, yet she never even looks their way. But then this mysterious boy comes to town, and she loses her mind. What’s the deal with you?”
“She and I used to be really close. About five years ago.”
“Oh,” she murmured, nodding. “You’re Logan. The boy in the box.”
“What?”
“Under her bed, there’s a box. You’re all that’s in it. Memories, keepsakes. The one boy she can’t seem to shake.” She placed her hand around the locket hanging around her neck. “I know what that’s like.”
“I’m sure she’s over whatever we had years a
go. She told me she was.”
Lori raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. “Men are stupid.”
I laughed.
“There’s this guy named Dan. Handsome boy. He came into the diner each week for the past few years to try to get Alyssa to go out on a date with him, and I watched her officially turn him down today. I knew she did it because of her feelings for you.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I stayed quiet as Lori kept speaking.
“But just to be clear, she’s not a drug. She’s not your drug, young man.” I raised an eyebrow, and a small smirk appeared on her lips. “You think you’d disappear for years, and Alyssa wouldn’t mention you every now and then? She told me about your past with drugs, and how you got clean. Which is good. But, honey, you can’t come back here and use her this way. She’s not something you can take in so you can forget about the things around you. She’s a girl, a gentle, caring girl who is still crazy about a boy. And what you’re doing is selfish. What she’s doing is selfish, too. See, you’re not going to stop using, and she’s not going to stop giving. You’re both addicted. You’re both lighting yourselves on fire, as if you don’t feel the burn.
“If you care anything about her, you’ll stop doing this right now. If you care anything about her heart, you’ll stop yourself from breaking it again. Whatever you two are doing might just be fun and games for you, but for her, it’s more. It’s everything she spent the last few years thinking about. If you end up breaking my friend’s heart, you best believe I will break all of your fingers and toes, one at a time.”
I laughed again, but this time the stern look Lori was giving me made me pause. I swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“But for now, you should get home soon,” she said, opening her book back up. “A big storm is supposed to be moving in over the next few hours.”
I looked up at the sky, the darkened clouds blocking out the moon. Standing, my hands went back to my pockets, and I thanked Lori for the talk.
The next day, Kellan asked me to join him and Erika at his therapist appointment, and there was no way I’d say no. I’d do anything he’d ask of me. The only therapist I’d ever spoken to was during my stay at St. Michaels Health and Rehabilitation Clinic. We’d have individual sessions and group sessions where they made us color and shit. I hated it at first, but after time, it helped. Then, sometimes, I’d start hating it again.
I sat beside my brother and his fiancée in Dr. Yang’s office, and I could feel the tension building. Before we left the house, Kellan and Erika had been bickering about small things—a toothpaste tube left on the bathroom countertop, coffee not being finished, Erika’s school books all over the dining room table. I’d never seen them fight before, so it was a bit odd.
“Thank you for joining us today, Logan. I know it means a lot to your brother that you’re here.”
“Yeah, of course.” I patted Kellan on the leg. He gave me a forced smile. “Anything for this dude.”
Dr. Yang nodded, pleased. “I think it’s important to check in every now and then about how things are going. I know Erika mentioned that you moved into the house, which I think could be a good thing for Kellan. Having family around is always helpful. So, how about we go around to see how everyone is doing. Kellan, you start.”
“I’m fine.”
“He’s been losing his appetite a bit. And he seems a bit moody lately,” Erika chimed in.
“That’s perfectly normal with everything that’s going on,” Dr. Yang assured her.
“I’m not moody,” Kellan barked.
Erika frowned. “You snapped at me yesterday, Kellan.”
“You were taking my temperature at three in the morning while I was sleeping.”
“You looked cold,” she whispered.
“And how are you doing, Erika? I know we spoke about how you handle your stress by sometimes breaking things…”
“Yeah. But I’m doing much better.”
Kellan laughed.
“I’m sorry?” Erika cocked an eyebrow at my brother. “Is something funny?”
“We have seven new lamps in our closet because one broke. You’re losing your mind.”
Wow. That was harsh.
I watched the embarrassment turn Erika’s cheeks red as she studied her shoes.
Dr. Yang wrote something in his notebook before turning to me. “What about you, Logan? Do you think Erika is handling Kellan’s illness in the best way possible?”
Erika huffed. “Right. Because a drug addict gets to judge me.”
That was harsh, too.
I sat up in my seat, glancing over to both Kellan and Erika before I replied. They both looked so exhausted. The same way Ma had. Kellan was digging his fingers into the sides of his chair, while Erika was fighting off the temptation to cry.
I cleared my throat. “Do I think it’s weird that Erika has mini-breakdowns where she breaks and buys? Yes. Do I think she judges people for not being or thinking exactly like her? Absolutely.” I could feel the daggers Erika was sending my way with her eyes, but I continued speaking. “But she loves him. She cleans up after me. Yelling about it, but she does it. Because she’s trying her best to make him comfortable. She might not be handling it to your definition or Kellan’s, or mine. Maybe not even the best way possible. But she’s doing her best. She wakes up every morning and tries to do her best. I don’t know if I’ve ever done my best…” I glanced down at the band on my arm. “But I’m trying. For these two, I’m trying to do my best. Which is all anyone can really do. When I was at the rehab clinic in Iowa, they had these quotes in every room by Ram Dass. In the front lobby there was this quote on the wall that said, ‘We’re all just walking each other home.’ I never really understood the meaning until right now.
“Because at the end of the day, we’re all lost. We’re all cracked. We’re all scarred. We’re all broken. We’re all just trying to figure out this thing called life, you know? Sometimes it feels so lonely, but then you remember your core tribe. The people who sometimes hate you, but never stop loving you. The people who always show up, no matter how many times you’ve fucked up and pushed them away. That’s your tribe. These people, these struggles, this is my tribe. So yeah, we fall apart, but we’ll fall together. We’ll stand up—together. Then, at the end of all the bullshit, all of the tears, all of the hurt, we’ll take a few steps at a time. Then we’ll take a few deep breaths, and we’ll walk each other home.”
After Kellan’s appointment, he and Erika went home to get some rest, and I walked around town all day, until night came and I found myself standing in front of Red’s Piano Bar. On a chalkboard sitting outside of the bar, I saw Alyssa’s name as the performer of the night, and a wave of pride washed over me. She’s doing it. She’s doing what she loves.
I stood at the back of Red’s Piano Bar, hidden away from Alyssa’s line of sight. She sat at the piano, her fingers moving back and forth across the keys, filling the bar with a beautiful melody that too few people in the world would ever experience. I listened closely, song after song, remembering how amazingly talented Alyssa was.
When it came to her final song, she sat up at the microphone sitting beside her, and spoke gently. “I finish every show with this song, because it means so much to my heart. It holds a lot of my soul within the lyrics, and always reminds me of a time when I once loved a boy… And for a few breaths, a few whispers, and a few moments, I think he loved me, too. Here’s Sam Smith’s ‘Life Support.’”
My chest tightened, and I sat up straighter.
Her fingers danced across the keys and I watched her body move as if she was becoming a part of the piano. It was as if she was nothing more but a willing vessel of art. I couldn’t imagine how she could’ve become any more astonishing. I couldn’t grasp how she could’ve stunned me even more.
But then she parted her lips.
The lyrics flowed from her lips with such ease. Her eyes shut as she sang; she was losing herself in the words, in the sounds, in herself,
in our memories.
It was an honor to witness such a moment. Tears fell from her closed eyes as her shoulders swayed back and forth to the rhythm and sounds she crafted. There was something different about the artists in the world. It almost seemed as if they felt things differently, deeper maybe. They saw the world in color, while many only saw the blacks and whites.
My life was black and white before Alyssa showed up in it.
My feet took me closer to the stage, and I stood in front of her, listening to the words that I used to whisper into her ear when we were young. She was so beautiful, so free, when she played her music. When she let go, it had a way of making everyone around her feel as if they were free, too. For a few moments as she sang, I was convinced that the chains of life were removed. I was free right alongside her.
I knew Lori was being a great friend, protecting Alyssa the way she did, but what she didn’t know is that for me, Alyssa was it. She was the girl in my heart. Even though such a big part of me tried to deny the feelings I held for her, another part of me was still desperate with the want, the need, the love that only she was able to create in my soul.
Alyssa finished her song, thanked her listeners, and then turned toward the audience. I hadn’t moved. Her beautiful eyes found my stare. She took a deep breath and shivered a bit when she released it. Her footsteps toward me were tentative. When we stood in front of each other, we kind of smiled, yet kind of frowned, too.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hey,” I replied.
We frowned and smiled.
“Can I walk you home?” I asked.
“Okay,” she replied.
When we stepped outside, it was still raining. Alyssa shared her polka dot umbrella with me the whole way to her house. “You were amazing up there, Alyssa. Better than I’ve ever heard you perform. Better than I ever heard anyone perform, actually.”
The Elements Series Complete Box Set Page 45
