Okay, Daddy.
He smiled as if he heard the words I didn’t say. “How about we go out for some frozen yogurt later tonight? I think it will be good for us to get out and about. What do you say?”
Yes.
He smiled wider, as if he understood me again.
Maybe parents always knew the things their kids were thinking. Maybe it was some kind of sixth sense. I was thankful for Daddy’s superpowers.
He went off to check on Mama, and I stayed in their room, sitting against the mattress made of feathers, and I began to allow myself to sink into the softness. I lay back, my legs dangling from the edge of the bed, and I closed my eyes. Lately my ears were more aware of every noise that came near me, from the wind slapping against the apple trees in the backyard, to the fly buzzing around in the bathroom down the hall.
My eyes shot open before words even left Brooks’ mouth. I heard his soft footsteps coming my way. Calvin’s steps were always heavy, as if he put his full weight into every step, but Brooks’ were much more gentle, almost as if he tiptoed across the floors. I wondered if his steps were always like that, or if he had adopted the gentle movements the past few days. I would’ve been lying if I’d said I’d ever noticed the sounds of his footsteps before. I wondered how many things people missed when they were busy talking too much.
“Are you okay, Maggie?” he asked, standing in the doorway. I didn’t sit up, but my head tilted in his direction. When we met one another’s stare, his chest caved and his shoulders rounded. His hands were stuffed tightly into his jeans. “Calvin and your pops are outside checking on your mom. She asked me to go home, and I told her I would, but I couldn’t without stopping by to see you, to see if there’s anything I can do.”
I shrugged. He frowned.
“Can I come in?” he questioned.
I nodded. He frowned some more.
Brooks sat on the bed before lowering himself down to lie beside me. My head was still tilted toward him, and his was now facing me. “Your mom said you’re not speaking. She said you have nothin’ to say, but I think that’s a lie. I think you have a lot to say, but you don’t know how to say it.”
A single tear fell down my cheek, and I turned in the other direction to avoid him seeing me cry. He still witnessed the single tear. I kept the rest running down my face to myself and Mama’s pillow.
He quietly spoke. “It’s my fault, you know. I was supposed to meet you in the woods for our rehearsal, but I was wastin’ too much time trying to pick out a tie you’d like. I know you probably thought I was standing you up, but I wasn’t, Maggie May. I swear I was gonna come meet you, and when I got out there, you weren’t anywhere to be found. I’m so sorry.”
More tears fell from my eyes as I listened to Brooks sniffle.
He continued talking. “I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
We stayed there for a few more minutes. Tears kept falling from my eyes, and he didn’t try to convince me to stop crying. It might’ve been my imagination, but I thought Brooks cried right beside me for a little bit.
“Who’s up for some ice cream?” Daddy said, barging into his bedroom, the room Brooks and I hadn’t left. I didn’t know when it had happened, but at some point, Brooks and I had started holding hands, and I hadn’t found the power to pull away from his grip yet.
We both sat up, and Brooks quickly pulled his hand from mine. “I’d love some ice cream!” he bellowed.
Mama came and frowned behind Daddy. “Brooks, you haven’t been home in a while. Maybe you should head back. We probably need a bit of family time alone if that’s all right.” She didn’t mean to be rude, but I could tell Brooks’ feelings were a little hurt by the way he smiled.
Most people probably thought it was a normal smile, but I knew it was the smile he gave when he was a bit embarrassed.
“Sure, Mrs. Riley. Sorry. I’ll get going.” He turned to me and gave me a lopsided grin. “You okay today, Maggie May?” Since the incident, he’d been asking me that each day. I nodded slowly.
I’m okay, Brooks.
He stood up from the bed and started to walk out of the bedroom, but Daddy cleared his throat. “I think it might be okay for Brooks to join us for a bit of ice cream.”
“Eric,” Mama protested, but Daddy placed a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“That is, only if Maggie thinks it’s okay,” he finished, looking at me.
Brooks’ eyes shot up to me, filled with hope, and there was no way I could say no to him. He listened to my silence, after all. After I agreed, we all put on our shoes and headed to the front of the house. As everyone walked outside, I paused in the doorway.
My mind grew panicked and my chest tightened. What if he was still out there? What if he was waiting for me? What if he was waiting to hurt me? Or was hurting someone else, or…?
“Maggie,” Mama said, staring my way. She raised an eyebrow. “Come on, honey.”
I tried my best to step out of the house. I tried my best to move forward, but the panic was overwhelming. Each time my mind told me to move forward, I somehow stepped backward.
“What are you doing?” Calvin asked, looking at me as if I’d lost my mind.
Everyone was staring at me like that.
Had I?
Had I lost my mind?
I can hear him shushing me, I thought to myself. He can see me. He can hurt me.
I stepped backward farther and farther, and I ran into a wall, which made me jump with fright. I couldn’t go outside. It wasn’t safe out there. I knew it wasn’t, and all I ever wanted to feel was safe.
The world was scary, and I had more fear than strength lately.
“Come on, Maggie,” Cheryl groaned. “You’re ruining it for all of us.”
Mama pinched Cheryl’s arm. “Knock it off, Cheryl Rae!”
She was right, though. I was ruining it for everyone. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I backed up another step and before I knew it, my feet took off, running back to my parents’ bedroom. It was the safest place I knew, and I wasn’t sure how to leave. Crawling under their blankets, my body shook violently. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t shut out all the noises in my head. I couldn’t shut off my brain.
When the blankets moved, I gripped the edges, fighting to keep him out. He found me, he found me.
Relief rushed through me as I met Daddy’s eyes. My stare was wide and panicked, and I could almost feel the worry dancing off his skin. He climbed under the blankets and sat beside me. I couldn’t stop trembling.
Shh…
Shhh…
The devil’s sounds poisoned my memories. Every thought I had was followed by the memory of his shushing noises attached to them. I couldn’t leave the house. If I did, he’d see me. I couldn’t speak. If I did, he’d hear me.
“We’ll figure this out, Maggie,” Daddy said, wrapping me into his arms. “No matter what, we’re gonna fix this.”
It was the first time Daddy had ever lied to me.
When he stood up to go speak to Mama in the hallway, I pulled the covers tighter around me. I couldn’t stop my trembles from taking over as I listened to Mama speak her deepest fears. “What if she never comes back from this? What if she’ll never be herself again? What will people think? What will people say?”
“Since when do we care what people say?”
“Always, Eric. We always care what people think of us.”
It was the first time I’d ever felt a crack in the foundation of my parents’ love.
And it was all because of me.
6
Brooks
“Stupid mud tie. Stupid purple tie. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” I muttered, tossing all the ties into my top dresser drawer. I hated ties, because they had made me late. I hated myself for being the reason Maggie had been alone in the woods.
As I pushed to close my dresser drawer, I grew angrier and angrier again when it wouldn’t shut due to being too full. “UGH!” I hollered, slamming my fist against it. “I hate
you! I hate you!” I kicked the dresser hard, which only led to me limping and rubbing my toe.
“Everything okay, Brooks?” Mom asked, walking in with concerned eyes. She was already dressed in her scrubs to go to work at the hospital, where she was a nurse, and the way she glanced down at her watch told me she was running behind.
“I’m fine,” I huffed, hobbling over to my bed and sitting before rubbing my toes some more.
She walked over to me and placed the back of her hand to my forehead. “What’s wrong, babe?”
“Nothin’,” I muttered. “You’re gonna be late.”
She took off her watch and placed it behind her back. Then she gave me a smile. “No worries. Let’s talk before I go. I know you’ve been going through a lot of stuff after what happened to Maggie.”
“No. That’s not it. I just couldn’t get my drawer to shut.” My face was heating up and my hands were gripped into tight fists. “It’s the stupid ties’ fault,” I whispered through my gritted teeth.
“The ties?”
“Yeah! I took all the stupid ties out of that drawer, and now I can’t get them to fit back in, so I kicked it and hurt my foot.”
“Why were your ties out to begin with?”
“Because…” I hesitated and raised an eyebrow at Mom. “You’re gonna be super late.”
“Don’t worry.” She smiled and ran her fingers through my hair. “I’ll be okay. Tell me what’s really bothering you.”
“Well…I was supposed to meet Maggie out in the woods for our rehearsal.”
“Rehearsal?”
“For our wedding.”
“You two were getting married?”
My face heated up even more, and I looked down at the ground. How had I not told my mom I was getting married? Maggie had told everyone, and me? Nobody. “Yeah, well, I don’t know. It was Maggie’s stupid idea. I was just going along with it because Jamie made me. Anyway, Maggie told me to pick out a tie and meet her in the woods, which was supposed to be easy, but I spent too much time picking out a tie. So, she was in the woods by herself, and whatever happened to her out there was because of me. I was the reason she got freaked out, because I was late to the twisted trees.”
“Oh, honey.” Mom sighed and started rubbing my back. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Yeah, it was. It was my fault for not being there to protect her, and now she ain’t talking or leaving her house because something scared her, and I should’ve been there to stop it, to save her.”
“Brooks…” Mom lowered her voice and clasped her hands together. “Whatever happened to Maggie is tragic, but it wasn’t your fault. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that it doesn’t help to sit and play a situation over and over again in your head. You can’t change the past, but you can shape the future with the right now. You know how you can help Maggie now?”
“How?” I asked eagerly, sitting up straight. I’d do anything to fix her.
“Be her friend. She’s probably pretty scared right now and confused. Lonely, even. She doesn’t need you to feel sorry for her, honey. She just needs a friend. Someone who stops by and checks in on her every now and again. Someone to ask if she’s okay. Someone to let her know she’s not alone.”
Yeah. A friend. “I can do that. I can be a good friend, I think.”
She snickered slightly and bent forward, kissing my forehead. “I know you can. One second, let me get something for you.” She hurried out of the bedroom and when she returned, her left hand was in a fist. She sat beside me and opened her hand to reveal an anchor charm on a string. “Your father gave it to me when we were young, after my father died, and he made a promise to always be there for me whenever I needed him. He said he’d be my anchor when I felt like I was drifting away. He was always an amazing friend to me, and he still is. Maybe you can give it to Maggie, to make her smile.”
I took the necklace from my mom and thanked her. She helped me more than she knew, and if this anchor would make Maggie smile, then it was hers. I’d do anything to bring her beautiful ugly smiles back to the world.
“You okay today, Maggie May?” I asked with my hands holding my MP3 player as I stood outside of her bedroom door. She was standing by her window, staring down at the street when I arrived. She turned slowly my way and wrapped her arms tightly around her body. Her eyes looked sad, which made me sad, but I didn’t show it. I just gave her a small smile. “You okay today?” I repeated.
She nodded slowly, and I knew it was a lie, but that was okay. She could take all the time she needed to be okay, I didn’t mind. I wasn’t going anywhere.
“Can I come in?”
She nodded again.
When I stepped in, I straightened my tie—the green one she loved. My palms were sweating against my MP3 player, and my nose sniffled as we both sat on her bed. I didn’t know what to say. I mean, most of the time when people had a friendship, both sides talked. The more silence there was, the more nervous I became. My feet started tapping on the floor, and I watched as Maggie’s hands stayed clasped together in her lap. Her skin was extra pale, her eyes were extra heavy, and in that moment, I missed it. I missed the one thing that had annoyed me for so long.
I missed her voice.
“Can I hold your hand again?” I asked.
She slid her left hand into my right, and I sighed. Her fingers felt like ice.
“Squeeze my hand once if the answer is no, and twice if it’s yes, okay?”
She agreed and closed her eyes.
“Are you scared?”
Two squeezes.
“Are you sad?”
Two squeezes.
“Do you want to be alone?”
One squeeze.
“Do you think maybe…do you think I could be your friend?” I whispered.
Her eyes opened and locked with mine. I wondered if her heartbeats matched mine—wild, dizzy, panicked.
She looked down at our hands and squeezed once. Then she squeezed again, and my heart exploded.
I released the breath I had been holding.
With my free hand, I reached into my pocket and pulled out Mom’s necklace. “This is for you. It’s a friendship necklace. An anchor. I promise to be your friend, and be a good one, too. I mean, I’ll try my best. I’ll be your anchor. I’ll help you stay grounded when you feel like you’re drifting away. I just…” I sighed, staring down at the charm in my hand. “I want you to smile again. I want you to have the things you always wanted, and I’m gonna work hard to make sure you get them, too, even if it’s a dog named Skippy and a cat named Jam. I want you to know…” I sighed again, because whenever her eyes watered over, my chest hurt so much. “I need you to know that even if you decide to never speak again, you’ll always have someone around to hear you, Maggie. All right? I’ll always be there to listen to your silence. So do you want it? Do you want the necklace?”
She squeezed my hand twice, and a tiny, almost nonexistent smile found her.
“And if you want, we can listen to my music together. I know I said I’d never let you listen, but I mean, you can, if you want. Jamie made me a new playlist on his computer last night, and I put it on my MP3 player. I don’t know what he put on it, but we can listen together.”
She squeezed my hand twice again. I gave her one of the earbuds, and I took the other. We lay backward on her bed with our feet dangling off the edge. I hit play on the MP3 player and the song that started playing was “Low” by Flo Rida featuring T-Pain. Geez, Jamie. Not the perfect song for the moment. I went to change it, but Maggie squeezed my hand once, stopping me. Her eyes were closed and a few tears fell down her cheeks, but I swore I saw it: a tiny smile. It was so tiny some people would probably think it was a frown, but I knew it wasn’t.
My chest hurt, seeing the almost smile on her lips. I closed my eyes, and a few tears fell from my eyes, too, as we listened to Flo Rida. I didn’t know why, but whenever she cried, I did, too.
In that moment, I knew she had been right about everyth
ing all along.
She was right about me, and her, and us.
She’d be the one girl I’d love until forever.
No matter how life tried to change us.
Part II
7
Maggie
May 15th, 2016
Eighteen Years Old
Mama and Daddy never danced anymore.
Over the past ten years, I’d noticed a lot of changes between the two, but that was the saddest one. They still hugged each other each morning, and Daddy always kissed her forehead before he went to work at the university each day. As he walked out the front door, he always said, “I love,” and Mama would finish his sentence, “You.”
They still loved each other, but they never danced.
Normally at night, Mama spent time on the telephone, talking to her college best friends about me, different therapists, reading articles online, or paying bills. Daddy sat in the living room grading a stack of his papers from his graduate students or watching The Big Bang Theory.
In the past, Daddy used to try to turn on their wedding song, but Mama was too tired to sway with him.
“Dance with me?” he’d asked.
“Not tonight. I have a headache, Eric,” she’d reply.
She never knew it, but I always saw how Daddy frowned when she walked away.
“I love,” he’d say, staring at her back.
“You,” she’d murmur out of routine.
When she’d glance up the staircase, she’d see me and frown. She always frowned at me, as if I were the crack in the family portrait. “Bed, Maggie May. Then up early for school.”
Sometimes she’d stand there looking at me, waiting for some kind of reply. Then, when one wasn’t given, she’d sigh and walk off, more tired than she had been a moment before.
It was hard knowing how much I exhausted her.
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