by Marie Hall
"I never come back. Once I am gone, it is forever."
"Io, you have already come back to it," he said, stretching out next to her. "You came back, and you claimed it as yours. It will always be yours now."
With a sniff, she lifted her head to look at him. She had returned. And she'd staked a claim, defended that claim. She'd left here, alone, but she'd returned. And she'd returned with Xavier. He'd brought her back. He made sure her claim to this house was solid. Searching his face now, she saw no sign he didn't speak true now.
"Um-hum," he murmured and again stroked her hair. "I will bring you back, and if something occurs where I cannot return you home, your men will do so for me. They will bring you back, and they will hold you in place here as I do."
"Why would you not bring me back yourself?" Io asked, rolling to her side and wiping her eyes.
"It could be the king will need me to do something before I might come home, but I will not have you held at court without me." His hand cupped her cheek and his thumb brushed at a stray tear.
She sniffed again and tried to only feel his reassurances. "You do not trust me, alone, with your king?"
His soft chuckle and smile helped bolster her faith in him. "I do not trust you with the king with me there. The things you might say and do. The entire kingdom might fall to your charms." Again, his thumb brushed at tears. "It will be all right, Io. We will go, do what it is we must, and return. It is done all the time by all sorts of people. We will do it, together."
She tried to smile, but more sobs slipped past her lips. As much as she wanted to be the trusting wife and believe in her husband like she should, she couldn't make her heart let go of everything she knew. "I-I cannot."
"Io," he sighed and moved closer so she could roll against him. "You can. You can because I will help you. Everyone will help you."
"I cannot go from here," she tried again to convey that to him. But how could he understand?
"Io, listen to me," he said, and when she shook her head, his hand slapped down on her arse. She arched away from the hurt, but his hand remained in place. "Listen to me." He waited, gave her a moment to find the courage to look at him. "You need to tell me why you think you cannot leave here."
"I…" she started, then words failed her.
"Come, Io, speak. I listen. Speak, and if I do not understand, I will tell you."
"I-I know here," she said and waited for him to say he didn't understand. When he only nodded, she went on. "I know here; I know where and what I am here. I do not want to lose that, to be lost again in the world. I do not want the forever that was before here." Tucking her head down, she tried to focus on the sound of his heart beating.
"The forever that was short in duration but long in pain and loneliness." Xavier's hand slid up her arse to the small of her back then pulled her even closer. "I will not let you be lost again, Io. I will keep you close." He pressed his lips to her forehead. "You will be, beyond these walls, what you are within them. What you are now. My very life. My wife, my lady, my goddess. And if you somehow slip from my reach, you know I will come for you. I will find you. I will not leave you out there alone again. I will not abandon you because I cannot live without you."
He sounded so very sure. So very determined. And if never in her life before now, she ever committed to believing someone, she needed to commit to believe him.
"Listen to me, Io, hear what I am going to tell you because I want you to understand. I will not play at games." She tilted her head back, and he caught her chin and held her gaze. "We will speak on things, Io. You will not keep things from me. I will not have you in your head imagining the most dire things. You will come to me before you have yourself convinced only the worst is going to happen." He forced her chin up more. "Know this, I will be swift in correcting behavior that imperils the ease of our return home." He gave her a hard look. "Understand me? We are going to go, and we are going to come home, and you will not be allowed to delay this."
She could only nod as the relief she found in his assertion she'd be the reason returning might be difficult. If anyone was going to do the utmost to bring them back here, it'd be her.
She held on to that belief as best she could for as long as she could, but with each day that passed, her grip slipped a bit until she again needed Xavier to battle those doubts.
Chapter 20
"My lord?"
Xavier hung his head at the sound of Roth calling. With a sigh, he lifted his head, pulled back his shoulders and sidestepped his horse to the side of the road. If it was Roth coming up to tell him of the goings on at the back of the formation, it was likely to be troubling.
Though he had to say he was rather pleased it took so long for Io to mount her second rebellion. A full fortnight. He'd managed to get her out the gates, mostly because her lady's maids were so encouraging in the sendoff, insisting they, themselves, would come for her if she was gone too long. Ann loudly threatened to not wed Roth if her lady wasn't home before summer's end. He'd gotten her three days down the road with only a few tears, and when she started to falter, they ran into a huge crowd. A mix of people from every shire who openly threatened rebellion if Io wasn't returned. Twelve of the shire reeves said all she need do was send word and they'd come for her.
The whole thing had disturbed Lord Balbroke so much, Xavier feared the man's heart might give out. Especially when he tried to put them in their place, only to be told they'd more than willingly dig a hole big enough for all of them, their horses and their belongs to fit, cover it and build a building on top and swear to heaven they never saw any of them. The pompous lord was quick to assure everyone Io would indeed be returning, and for two days, Xavier listened to the man try to warn him such hostilities always led to bad ends. He wouldn't hear it wasn't hostility the people showed, it was loyalty. Loyalty to a woman who ensured, like no one else, their wellbeing.
By the time they'd reached Southtown, Io seemed a bit more confident. Xavier indulged her, staying longer that she might to visit with Sarah, now starting to show in her pregnancy. The woman managed like no one to bolster Io's confidence and return a smile to her face. They'd left Southtown with Sarah still shouting out a list of things Io had to do while at court, so she could return and tell Sarah how it was.
But now, four days later, that confidence had worn away. He knew it this morning, when she wouldn't mount the roan mare. He'd brought along several horses for Io to ride. And she'd not truly protested any of them but the roan. Still, she'd already spent one day on it so this morning was about something different. He suspected he'd learn closer to midday, when they stopped to eat and refresh. It tended to be the time when Io came and listened again to his reassurances.
"My lord." Roth brought his horse alongside Xavier's and bent his head that he might not be heard by too many. Already, Lord Rigatos was slowing down and leaning to listen. "Io is refusing to go any further. She has stopped and dismounted and will not be set back on the horse."
"Offer her a different mount," Xavier suggested. If it was such a trial for her to ride the animal that threw her, he could let her have her way.
"We did, even put her saddle on Wednesday. She will not budge," Roth said, sitting up and glaring at the coach carrying Balbroke as it stopped in the road.
"What is the matter now?" the man said, like there was even one minute of inconvenience for him thus far. Xavier's attempt to keep Io away from this man, and more so, away from Sir Whitby, who looked a bit too lustily at Io, was why she rode today so far behind the main party. It was himself and six men, then Balbroke, then the majority of Io's men, forty in all, along with the pack animals and the three wagons and, finally, Io with the four men who rode directly with her. The order changed a bit day to day, but so far it had worked well in lowering tensions. Balbroke still wanted an apology for the way Io spoke to him. Xavier refused to force her to give one.
"A matter with someone's mount is all, my lord," Roth was quick to answer.
"Will we need to stop?
It grows late," the man yelled from inside the coach.
Xavier watched Roth roll his eyes and shake his head. It wasn't even past Sext yet. "I think it not so great a matter we cannot continue on," Xavier said. "We plan still to reach Burgshires this day. If it is urgent, it is there a solution should be found."
"Very good then," Balbroke said, and Xavier let the coach pass without even a glance.
"Stay up here and keep everyone moving; I will bring Io along," Xavier said and reined around to move back against the procession. He had to go a good mile back to find where Io brought her party to a standstill. Dismounting, he joined the other men watching Io pace back and forth with some great agitation.
"She will not go," Luther said with a shrug.
"Did she say anything? Was something said to her?" Xavier asked as he continued to watch Io. It wasn't that she was just pacing; she was perhaps measuring something as he could hear her counting. She'd come up to a spot on the road, look around then count a number of steps as she paced back.
"No." Luther shook his head, obviously as confused as everyone else. "And she gave no warning at all. She just… reined in and dismounted and ran back to…" He pointed to where she stood now, again looking around like she was trying to determine something. "She will not even take Wednesday's reins."
"All right," Xavier said and started for her. "Io," he called and waited for her to be still and look at him.
"I cannot," she said as he approached.
"Io, what is the matter?" It took a little work not to let his exasperation show.
"I thought I could, but I cannot." She took two steps backward.
"Io." Xavier knew she meant she couldn't keep going, but he wasn't sure why she choose now. Two weeks of travel and now she chose to rebel?
"I cannot," she wailed and doubled over. "I tried, but I cannot."
"Io, this is—" Xavier started, his temper getting the better of him.
"Brice." Lucas appeared beside him and set a hand on his shoulder. Xavier knew the look he gave the man was heated, but Lucas stood fast. "Brice, look at where you are."
"Where I am? I am in the middle of the road arguing a matter that should be settled."
"No, Xavier, look," Lucas implored. "Look at where you are… exactly."
Taking a breath, Xavier did look. He looked, at first, only with disinterest, but as a few markers came into view, he started to look more closely at the area they were stopped in. He could sometimes want to damn his wife's perfect memory.
"This is the very edge of your holdings," Lucas said, going to where a large stone marker announced that very thing to all travelers. "Ten more steps, and she is off your lands."
It was here, his men had cheered their return home and Io had first crossed his borders. And though she'd not been here in two years, she wasn't likely to forget the event, because she forgot nothing at all, ever. Scrubbing his hands over his face, he shook of the irritation he'd felt a moment ago. It made sense Io made a stand here. To him, he was simply taking another step, to her, it was more like a leap, from a very high cliff into some black pit.
"Go ahead," he told those who waited. "Catch up and make camp. I am sure I can get her going again, but I am not sure how long it will take. Keep moving; we will catch up," He watched the men hesitate then mount up. "Do not tell Balbroke what delays us."
"He will be too busy complaining about the lack of comforts to be found to even ask," Luther said, riding past, And Xavier couldn't have said differently.
He waited until they were alone then took a minute to tie his horse to the same tree Wednesday was tethered to. He took note of where the mark rested and then took five very large steps back inside his border, before waiting for Io to again stop pacing and look at him. When she did, he waved her closer and didn't miss how she, too, took note of where the marker was and where her stood. She came toward him, stopping arm's length away.
"I tried; I cannot," she said with a sniff.
He considered her a minute. If it was because she thought she wasn't coming back, he wasn't sure what he might say to convince her. Knowing exactly why she felt she couldn't keep going would be the key. "Why not?" he asked and watched her bite down on her lip. "Do you not believe I will bring you back? Do you doubt that Ann and Kate would come for you? That Sarah would not come for you and slit my throat before bringing you back?" he said, the last only partly in jest as Sarah made it clear, Io had best be returned home or he'd pay in blood her loss. As he spoke, though, Io shook her head. "You believe you will be returning?" She nodded. "Then what stops you from stepping past this point?" He watched her now and knew she was trying to find words to explain herself. He held out his hand. "Come," he said, relieved when she took it and even tightened her grip. He led her off the road into a small, sunny clearing. Finding a large tree to rest against, he sat down and, with a tug and a smile, encouraged Io to do the same. "Now tell me."
"I cannot go to court," she muttered.
"Why?" It seemed he was going to have to pull it out piece by piece. But this wasn't new. He'd become rather good at doing it.
She sat a while picking at her nails, looking anywhere but at him. "I will disappoint you there."
"And I…" He leaned forward and, with a finger, raised her chin. "…fully anticipate you will." Her eyes flared wide. "You disappoint me from time to time now. Same, I am sure, as I do you. We are not so perfect we do not make mistakes. I cannot see anyone at court thinking you will come there the first time and be exactly as they expect you should be."
"They?" Again, she dropped her chin.
"Yes, Io, they. I expect you to be you and no one else. So I also expect moments when you are more a scold than you are most days." He laughed at the fierce scowl she sent his way.
"I do not want everyone to think you have a shrew for a wife," she said, now picking at the blades of grass.
"I do not want you to worry about what anyone else thinks." She looked up at him but then went back to pulling out the grass. "Io, you know I will not let you behave so you garner a poor reputation. You will be advised, I'm sure, by many through this. I will always try to give you warnings ahead of time that you do not step forward unprepared." She nodded but still picked at the grass. "And if you do not heed sound advice and you do act the scold so much it creates a problem, well, you know exactly how I will deal with you then." Again, he lifted her chin. "Do you not?" She wouldn't hold his stare, but she colored enough he knew she understood.
Sitting back, he observed her a while more. Usually, such conversations gave her relief and renewed her willingness. Not this time. Nothing about her said she was ready to try again.
"I think, though, it is not fear of disappointing me that has you reluctant to go forward. So tell me now, what weighs on you, and tell me truthfully, Io. For I have no willingness to remain ignorant of your troubles." He waited, watching until he saw the tear fall from her eye into the grass. "Io," his sharp tone startled her, and she jerked back but quickly resettled, this time, drawing up her knees and wrapping her arms around them. "Io, my patience wears."
"I do not want to become one of them."
"What?" he heard her, but what she said made no sense.
"I do not want to become one of them. If I go to court, I will become one of them. I do not like them, and I will not become them." She rested her head on her knees and covered it with her hands.
"Become who? What?" Xavier asked, balling his fists and reminding himself to be patient now.
"One of them," she nearly cried and flung her hand out toward the road.
"Io, who? You need to be specific. Name someone who is one."
"One of them, like the Ladies Blake or Lady Darchette or Lady Sybil. They all have been to court, and they are all awful." She sounded so desperate but still slightly unreasonable.
"I do not think going to court made the Blakes the harpies they are. I will guess they are and have always been selfish, vile people."
"Maybe them, but not the others. The o
thers were not unkind and hateful until they came back from court. Lady Sybil use to let me play with her, she shared with me and sometimes combed my hair, but when she came back, she pushed me down, she called me names and locked me in the workshop. The others were the same. They were nice and we got on until they went to court. Court changed them into awful people. I do not want to be changed into an awful person."
Always when he thought he knew the worst of what his wife experienced while she was growing up, she divulged more. And while he wouldn't equate being snubbed by other children to being starved, molested or even chained out in the yard, he knew Io to be more profoundly impacted by things that happened early on, before she'd built up walls and started keeping everyone at a distance.
"You think it was their visiting court that changed them?" he asked, to be certain he understood her.
"What else might it have been? It is all any of them had in common. They were good and kind then they went to court, and when they returned, they were not and I was sent away again. Court changes people. It makes them hateful and mean. And people like them, mean, want to be with them. I cannot be changed. How will I return here and manage these lands if I am not me anymore, but one of them?"
"Io, I do not think that will happen to you," he tried, but he could see she wasn't listening. She was still spiraling around that dark circle she'd created.
"I cannot change. I cannot. Because if I am not me, you will not want me—"
"Io!" he yelled, but she went on.
"And if I change and you do want me, it means all this has been a lie because you were not really happy with me as I was but wanted me like them."
"Io!" he yelled again and reached for her, but she wasn't done.
"And what if I am able to fight it and not change and it was expected I would, but now I have not and that was not what you wanted because you wanted me to change and I did not." Her panic was growing more intense with each maddening scenario she went through. She saw no way any of this could turn out for the good and so tried to find the worst thing so she could prepare for it.
