by Olivia Marie
It was clear, even to my childish brain, that she didn’t hate him. She loved him so much the thought of him with someone else ripped her apart. I knew my dad liked men; he never hid that from me. My mom had been a one-night fling, an experiment to see what it was like with a woman. I wasn’t planned and when she couldn’t have him, she began to pull away from me. One day, she dropped me off to see him while she went to get formula and diapers, but she never came back. He raised me from then on without once complaining about his life being rearranged on him. I had heard the jokes he said about “at least with a man, I can’t get him knocked up,” but I also knew he adored me as much as I had him.
Stella reluctantly took me after the funeral, but I never became part of her family. I would have been better off with Uncle Jason and I knew he wanted me too. Dad put in his living will that I was to go with this woman he knew all those years ago. If he would have talked to her in the last eight years, he would have changed it and I wouldn’t have been thrust into the hell I would endure over the next three years with her and her perfect daughter.
She didn’t have a place to stay like we had, and we moved around all the time. When she would get a hotel room, she always made me sleep in the room next to them alone. Her and her daughter, Dreamer, would stay together and most nights, I left the TV off and listened to the way they talked to each other and pretended it was me she was talking to like that.
I did everything I could to get her to like me and eventually love me. I was her slave in some ways. I was told to clean up when Dreamer made a mess, and it was my job to stay out of the way. Most nights, I wished I had been in that car with my dad, because the life I was left with was hell on earth.
I resented Dreamer, as wrong as it was. It wasn’t her fault her mom treated us differently, but I hated her. She had one thing I wanted, and it had been ripped away from me. She had a family and she was clearly loved. I hoped in time Stella would learn to like me a little and stop seeing me as the thing she should have had and didn’t. I was there and it was as close to having me as she would get.
Being rejected so often began to wear on me and I started to withdraw. I became invisible to anyone around us. I learned how to hide in plain sight and because of it, I was able to pick up on things others missed. For that skill, I had to be thankful for her.
The last night I was with Stella, she took Dreamer out of the truck with her and when I knew they were far enough ahead, I followed. I watched again what they did to the driver of the truck and I saw the little boy watching as Stella mangled his father. My heart broke for him because I knew the pain he was going through. Maybe not as much because he had to watch it happen, but I knew he would never be the same after that night.
In her frantic hurry to get out of there because someone saw her kill a man, she almost forgot me and would have if I wouldn’t have stepped out of the shadows. I was almost twelve when she was caught. They found her with Dreamer, and they were both taken away from me. I stayed hidden in the crowd of people that had gathered and watched the scene unfold. None of them had been looking for me because to them, I didn’t exist.
When the crowd parted after Stella was hauled away in the back of a squad car and Dreamer had been whisked away to a foster home, I came out of hiding. Most kids would have been terrified to find themselves completely alone; I found it to be a relief. I was already alone for the past three years but now I wouldn’t have to be at their disposal all the time. A sense of freedom filled me and for the first time since Dad died, I could breathe.
I found ways to watch the news coverage on Stella and when they sentenced her to life without parole, I knew she was never coming back. I couldn’t find Dreamer after they took her away, but I had a feeling she wasn’t waiting for me to find her either. She was about the age I was when I lost my dad. With her golden-brown locks and those piercing blue eyes, she should have been adopted in no time. She would have a family again and I would still be out there fending for myself.
I never took the road of self-pity, but I would get pissed at the cards I was dealt. My mother never wanted me, my dad was ripped from me, and I was thrust into a family with a woman who despised me. Being on my own would be better than any of that and I knew I could make it.
I found ways that didn’t involve sex to make money, and on the days I was too short to get a room or food, I would head to one of the homeless shelters. As long as I stayed close to an adult, they assumed that was who I was with and nobody asked questions. I would go there every month or so to pick out new clothes to wear and trade in my shoes when I outgrew them or they became too worn.
When I turned fifteen, I was able to get jobs under the table and I saved up for a car. I paid a woman a hundred bucks to say she was my guardian when I turned sixteen so I could get my license. As soon as I had that, I was out of the town that robbed me and gave me my freedom at the same time. I climbed into the car I paid five hundred for, filled the tank, grabbed a snack of beef jerky and grape soda, and hit the road. I headed east and didn’t stop until my eyes were so heavy, I couldn’t keep them open anymore.
I didn’t know where I was or what kind of place I had stopped in, but I found a room that let me pay cash and didn’t ask a lot of questions. After the one night there, I moved on. Stopping at a bigger city the next day, I found a place that would let me rent month-to-month and I put down enough to stay there for two. Not wanting to be stuck in one place too long, I also didn’t want to be like Stella and Dreamer and move every day. I had spent more than I planned to to make it as far as I had and would need to find something to replenish it before I could go again.
The once motel turned apartments were nothing fancy, but it was better than the streets or the cabs of smelly trucks. I would find little ways to make the places I stayed mine and the first way to do that was to have the one picture I had of me and Dad fixed, enlarged, and framed. I promised him I would do that, and I never broke my promises no matter how often promises were broken to me.
CHAPTER FOUR
Present time
Those memories seemed like a lifetime ago. I wasn’t the same scared girl I used to be; I had to grow up fast and did. I was in charge of how I would live, and I was sure my dad would have been proud of me.
I looked at the framed picture of us and tried to hear his voice. The longer it had been, the harder it became to hear him. I missed him every day and wished things had been different. I wondered how my life would have turned out if he wouldn’t have been taken from me. I imagined I would have finished school and maybe even done college. I wasn’t dumb and my grades were good. I had dreams of one day owning an animal shelter and thought about all the degrees I could have gotten to help make that dream come true.
I wondered what his future would have been like. Would he have been with Todd still? They were together a lot the last few weeks of his life, more than I had seen him with anyone before. I wondered if Todd would have accepted me as his if they would have stayed together. I knew my dad wouldn’t have stayed with him if he didn’t. I was the most important thing in his life, and he made sure I knew that all the time.
It made me question why he chose to leave me with Stella then and not Uncle Jason. He had to have known a different version of the woman he sent me with. If he would have known her then, he wouldn’t have thrown me to her so willingly. That much I knew about him; he was very protective of who I was around. He would have been furious if he knew.
I thought about Uncle Jason a lot and even picked up the phone a few times to call him. I wasn’t sure if he would remember me or if he would want anything to do with me. I hoped he would, but after being rejected so many times, I couldn’t go through with it with him too. I clung to my memories of him when we were happy and let that be the last I knew of him.
“Can I help you?” the man asked from behind the counter. I was so lost in my memories, I forgot where I was.
“Um, yeah. I need to rent one of your rooms for a while.”
“How long?�
� I looked at him hard before I answered. His clothes were unkempt, wrinkled, and dirty. His hair was in desperate need of a cut and wash. The long, black strands hung in greasy clumps to his shoulders. When he talked, I could see he was missing at least three teeth in front: two on the bottom and one up top.
“A month,” I said. If the rooms were in as bad of shape has he was, a month would be long enough.
“That will be $150,” he said without looking up from whatever nasty magazine he was drooling over.
I slapped the cash on the counter and waited for the key. When he set it down and mumbled “Room 118” without looking at me once, I took the key and left. Making my way out to my car, I grabbed the three large duffle bags and one box of shit I owned. It wasn’t much, but it was all I needed.
Setting the box and two of the bags on the ground, I unlocked the room I would be in for the next few weeks. I was instantly hit with the overpowering smell of bleach and pine scented cleaner. There wasn’t any carpet in the room and I liked that; carpet in these places were always nasty. The walls clearly hadn’t been painted in years by their yellowish-brown look. The countertop next to the sink was small but well kept. The sink itself looked like it had been upgraded in the last few months.
The bathroom was tiny with only the toilet and shower in there, but there was a small closet against the wall across from the commode I could put my towels and shit in. The bedroom/living room combo came with a hide-a-bed couch and a small table with a built-in bench. It wasn’t the worse place I had stayed in and I was fairly happy with it.
Bringing in the few items I owned, I set out on unpacking. It only took me a few hours to have all the surfaces rewashed and my things put away. I found the perfect spot to hang my picture of Dad and once he was safely on the wall, I stepped out to have a smoke.
“New here, huh?” the red headed woman asked me.
“Yeah.”
“Well, just keep quiet and we will get along fine,” she barked without looking away from whatever it was she was blankly staring at.
“Not a problem.”
“You young-ins are always a problem. I mean it. One party and I will call the cops and have you out of here.”
“I don’t party,” I fired back. I wasn’t going to let her talk to me like that if I had to live next to her for the next four weeks.
“Whatever. And don’t throw that shit on the ground when you are done either.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Holding my hand to my forehead, I saluted her before rolling my eyes.
“Don’t mind her. She used a tampon once and lost it. It’s been shoved up there so long now, it has made her a bitch,” a younger girl said coming out of the apartment on the other side of me.
“You’re a bitch, young lady,” the older woman said but turned abruptly and went back into her place.
“I’m Madison,” she said and held out her hand.
I looked at it but didn’t take it.
“Hazel.”
“Pretty name. Are you going to be here long?”
“No. One of the joys of places like this is they are temporary and I don’t have to waste my time getting to know people I will never see again.”
“Ouch. Point taken. Backing off.”
“Nothing against you. I just don’t want or need friends right now. I am here for a while then gone. This isn’t permanent.”
“I figured as much. Doesn’t mean you have to be alone the whole time you are here.”
“Don’t plan to be, but I am not going to get real friendly with my neighbors.”
“Got it.”
I almost felt bad watching her leave, but I wasn’t there for a social call. They had already been in my business more than I wanted them to be. I finished my cigarette and brought the snuffed-out butt to the trash can at the corner of the building before going inside.
Feeling restless, I got in the shower before seeing what this new town had to offer for night life. Madison wasn’t totally wrong; I didn’t need to be alone the whole time I was there. I was feeling antsy and only one thing helped with that. It was time for a hook up. If I learned anything from Stella, it was not to be a prude with men. They could be useful sometimes for more than just a random killing.
CHAPTER FIVE
Dressed in my favorite outfit, a low-cut baby blue halter and cut off white jeans, I made my way to town. There had to be some kind of shit hole here for me to blow off steam. If I learned anything over the years, it was there was a bar in every town.
It took two blocks to find it and it was nothing to look at on the outside. I hoped it was nicer on the inside. The old barn look fit this nothing town, but I wasn’t sure if it would fit my mood. I might stab my eardrums if I walked in and nothing but country was blaring through the speakers.
Walking across the dirt parking lot, I heard the thumping of bass and recognized the song coming through the doors as they opened. It was dance music and it made me smile. The night might be salvaged after all and I would try to have a great time.
The bouncer sitting inside the door looked me up and down before nodding for me to come in. He hadn’t even checked my ID, but I wasn’t going to stop and question him. I would be twenty-one in three weeks anyway, so it wasn’t like it was that big of a deal.
The place was packed and loud. Between the music, people laughing and trying to talk over the bumping beat, I caught myself getting wrapped up in the scene quickly. I weaseled my way through groups of young adults and made my way to the bar. As soon as he turned around, I knew who I was going to try and take home that night.
The bartender was a jock judging by the mounds of muscles begging to be freed from his too tight tee. His hair was short, blond, and spiked. He had gauges in both ears, and I could see a tattoo of barbed wire wrapped around his upper arm.
“What can I get you?” he screamed to be heard over the loud music.
“You and a beer,” I said back and did my best to flirt while having to shout.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“We might be able to work that,” he said and smiled at me. It was playful and I knew he was sold. “I get done about three.”
“I can wait that long.”
“Good,” he said and placed the cold beer on the bar. “On the house.” He winked at me before turning to the next person waiting for a drink, but I watched him keep an eye on me.
I finished half the beer while making my way to the dance floor. I had a lot of energy to burn off after sitting cooped up in the car for two days. Dancing to song after song, I stopped long enough to grab another drink before going back out. I found myself in a group of people and took turns dancing with whoever was closer. By the time the bar was getting ready to close, I sat outside and waited for him to come out.
“Didn’t think you would wait.” He walked slowly over to me and smiled.
“Told you I would. I always do what I say.”
“Not many do anymore. Nice change.”
“Ready?” I asked. I was done with the small talk. I wanted some action and I wanted it soon.
“Sure.” He put his large arm over my small shoulders and started to walk me to his car.
“I am right over there,” I said pointing to the far end of the parking lot. “Only a few blocks over. We can walk.”
I wasn’t going to go into his car. If I learned anything from Stella it was to never get into their vehicle unless you could control the situation. Looking over at his small two-door, that would have been impossible.
“But my car is right there. It would be faster.”
“The cool air gets me going faster.” I ran my fingers down his arm and watched him become interested in a walk.
“Okay. We can walk. My name is Ja…”
“No names.”
“Okay?” He paused to look at me. His one eyebrow was raised, and his smile was replaced with a frown.
“Nothing personal, but I’m not looking for a relationship. Just out for a good time.”
> “I get that,” he said, and the smile came back as fast as it left.
“Good.”
We got back to my place and he had his shirt off before I even had the door closed. He was so ripped, and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on him. It had been months since I let off steam and I was more than ready.
He lifted me like I weighed nothing and threw me on the makeshift bed. I bounced once on the worn-out springs and that made him laugh. Laying over me, propping himself up with one arm, he slowly undid my top. Freeing me from the fabric, he sat there staring long enough to make me uncomfortable.
“What?” I asked ready to push him off and forget the night.
“Nothing. You’re perfect is all.”
“No mush. This isn’t a love session. I am here to get off only, and you should be too.”
“Don’t you have any feelings or is it just me that closes you off?”
“This is me not wanting to stay in one place for too long and not getting into anything with anyone while I am here. If that is too much for you to accept, you know where my door is.” I started to push him off of me; no longer in the mood, I wanted him gone.
“No. I can do that. It’s just you are different than most of the idiots that live here.”
“Thanks?” It was more of a question than an actual thank you.
“Enough talking. It doesn’t seem to be your thing.”
His mouth covered mine before I could talk again, and his mood switched instantly. He turned into the animal I needed, and we spent the next few hours exploring each other’s bodies.
When we were done, he lay next to me and pulled me into him. I could tell by the way he relaxed, he thought he would be staying with me the whole night.
