by Gabrielle G.
“Alane forgot I can be very overprotective, and she doesn’t know me as a dad, Hal. I’ll have a talk with her too, she should have told me what was happening.”
“She doesn’t know! Please, Dad, drop it,” she pleads.
“I’ll drop it if you promise me you won’t date until you’re done with college.” I’m joking, kind of.
She rolls her eyes at me before scoffing. “Even Rapunzel found a guy locked up in her tower, Dad. You had a girlfriend in high school, why can’t I date?
“Because I was a respectable kid and still broke someone’s heart along with mine. Imagine if you find someone like Chris, it can only end up in tears.”
“I’m already crying, I don’t see what it would change.” She stands up and walks away, leaving me alone on the couch, thinking of all the pain Alane and I went through, to finally end up back in each other’s arms, to our paths crossing again. I don’t want to lose her. I want to share the next forty years with her, die in her arms, surrounded by her love. But to do so, there is a conversation we need to have, about us, what we are, and what we want.
As Lawson comes in, followed by Luke, Dex, and my Dad, I know nothing will happen tonight. Taking the bottle of scotch Dex got me as a thank you for helping him move when I was in LA, I grab four glasses and settle on the porch with them.
The night is going to be long and full of unwanted advice.
I’ll speak with Alane tomorrow.
25
Then – Alane
“All I’m saying, Alane, is that Aaron has a right to know.” My Aunt Clarisse comes closer to me, holding my newborn son in her arms.
“I don’t know. Last time I saw him, he was heavily kissing another girl in a hotel in Vancouver. Seems to me he’s moved on.”
I had been a little shocked when the elevator opened, and I saw Aaron shoving his tongue in a beautiful girl’s mouth, who was apparently waiting for a room. I had come with my aunt to Vancouver for her last book tour. She wanted me to go with her for a change of scenery. It took some convincing, but I caved in, thinking I could see something other than the four walls of my aunt’s house.
As for a change of scenery, it really was a change, but it almost destroyed me. After I walked by them, Aunt Clarisse had to pick me up off the floor like a dropped spoon and then I fell into her arms crying. I waited to be back in our bedroom before literally falling to the floor, and then stayed there until the next morning. Empty, hurt and disheartened, I still don’t want Aaron to choose me by obligation. I wanted him to pick me because he loved me. Seeing him with someone else crushed any last hope.
The pregnancy has been hard on me.
Not physically, but mentally.
I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I was on the verge of it. As soon as I held my son, it almost all faded away.
Nothing matters anymore but him.
He’s so beautiful with all his wrinkles and his few blond hairs. He looks a little like Yoda but less greenish. He’s a bundle of love. My bundle of love. Even if I still don’t understand how we made him, he’s what’s left of Aaron and I. He’s mine, only mine, for me to take care of.
“You don’t know if Aaron was with this girl only for one night, and you don’t know exactly what happened either. So, you saw him kissing someone else. You can’t draw conclusions on one fact. He has a son, he should know.”
She places my boy in my arms for me to breastfeed him. I set him up and start feeding him. I needed a C-section, and I can’t really move right now. It hurts like a bitch every time I cough, move, sit or make any type of movement. They gave me some ibuprofen, as if it will make a difference.
I’m glad Aunt Clarisse is here to pass me the baby back and forth. I wouldn’t like to disturb the nurse every time I want to pick up my son.
My parents didn’t show up, even after Aunt Clarisse told them I had given birth. I barely talked to them during my pregnancy. I’m disappointed they’re not here for me, but happy they decided not to come if it was just to lecture me and see the disappointment in my mother’s eyes.
I’m an embarrassment to her.
She’s the one who sent me away. Like Aaron, she forgot I existed, or at least she does everything she can to forget.
My father was a little easier to talk to at the beginning, but after a few discussions about adoption, I understood he would never accept my son. I gave up on reaching out, and he didn’t want to talk to me either.
“On another note, have you thought of a name? We can’t continue calling him 'boy’.”
Did I think of a name? It’s all I thought about since I felt him move for the first time. I didn’t want to know if it was a boy or a girl, but I thought of names, nonetheless. I went through books and thousands of lists, but only one keeps coming back to me. I’m not sure if I should use it though. It’s a name Aaron and I liked. It’s a name to honor my baby’s father, even if he’ll certainly never meet him. It’s a reminder that Aaron is not mine anymore.
“I have a name, I’m just not sure I can get used to it.”
“Okaayyy, as long as it’s not Phelony or Banjo, I think we’re fine.” She tries to make me smile, but I can’t. There is too much on my shoulders. The responsibility of choosing a name for a child, something that will define him, something that is for life…
“Adam Jax,” I whisper softly, looking at him. Sitting next to me, Aunt Clarisse strokes my hair softly.
“Want to tell me what it means to you?” I sigh, avoiding her eyes.
“Adam was a name we chose together for our hypothetical son. I used to tell him he was like Adam, he would one day bite into my fruit, and we’ll be kicked out of the Eden that Springs Falls was. It was a joke. A stupid joke. But it’s what happened, and my son is the only man in my world now. The only man on Earth I can care about.”
“It’s a good strong name. And Jax?” I can’t hold the tears anymore. Thinking of Aaron still hurts. Calling my son Adam Jax might hurt even more, but no other name fits.
“Jax is Aaron’s middle name,” I weep, fully crying now.
“Sweetie, you still love him. Call him. And if that’s what you want to name your son, do it. After some time, it would be his name, not anything of his father’s. If Aaron is ever in his life, he’ll absolutely love the fact that you named your son after him. But first, you have to tell him.” The tears on my cheeks are falling on Adam. I nod, desperately wanting to change the topic.
“I’ll get you his number. All you’ll have to do is call him, and if he wants to come to Phoenix, I’ll pay for the plane ticket.” It’s a pity Aunt Clarisse didn’t have children. She is more suited to be a mother compared to my own. She’s compassionate, loving and understanding, everything my mother isn’t.
Aunt Clarisse steps away with Adam long enough for me to truly rest. They tell me to nap when the baby is sleeping, but it’s not always easy. I’m afraid he’ll stop breathing while I’m asleep, so I usually keep an eye on him. After the first day without any sleep, the nurse promised to check on him regularly while I was getting some rest, but I don’t trust her. What if she kidnaps him while I’m snoozing?
I know I’m a little neurotic, but I’m all he has. Aunt Clarisse is a big help, but I soon know Adam will be my full responsibility. I refuse to be depending on her for money or anything regarding my son.
Raising him alone is my penance for my foolish behavior, or maybe he’s my reward. I’m not sure anymore. What I’m certain of is that as soon as I can, I’ll find a job and go back to school.
The last six months, Aunt Clarisse and I discussed my future.
Now that hockey is off the table, I’m still not sure what I want to be. My aunt keeps saying I don’t have to choose until later, but I need a plan. I need to know because I feel like my life has imploded. I need my head to be in the game, even if the game has changed.
“Honey, I’ve got you his number,” Aunt Clarisse says entering the room. I open my eyes to see her pained expression about my situation.
It’s just an acknowledgment that what I have to do isn’t easy. I want to ask her whom she asked, but I won’t.
I try not to ask for anything from anybody. I wish I could still talk to Luke, but he’s a casualty when I lost my boyfriend. I can’t lie to him. I lied to Patricia, saying I had left for a hockey camp abroad. I don’t want anybody telling Aaron or any of the Gritts.
My secret is very safe.
Only my parents and Aunt Clarisse knew I was pregnant.
Letting Aaron know is allowing the whole Gritt family into my son’s life. I won’t ask them for anything, I just want Aaron to know he has a son. I don’t want him to quit school and move to Arizona. I don’t want him to send me money or be in our son’s life if he doesn’t want to be.
One hour ago, I didn’t want to tell him, but Aunt Clarisse is correct, he has a right to know after all. His whole family has a right to know. She hands me the phone handset and the piece of paper she wrote his number on. I take both, my hands shaking.
Sighing, I muster up the courage to talk to him before entering the few digits on the phone separating me from my first love.
“Hello?” a female voice answers. I’m not ready to have a woman talking to me. Words get stuck in my throat and tears fill my eyes instantly. “Hellooo?” the voice insists.
Aunt Clarisse put her hand on my shoulder and shakes me a little to get me out of the solid state I just fell into. I’m totally frozen. My aunt shakes me a little more, her eyes wide, trying to tell me to say something.
“Um… Hello… Is this Aaron’s number?” I stupidly mutter, hoping I made a mistake dialing.
“It is. Who’s speaking?”
“Hi, I’m a friend from back home, I was wondering if I could talk to him.” I stumble on each and every word I pronounce.
“Oh! Are you the ex-girlfriend Michael told me about?”
“Michael?” I’m lost. I want to know who she is. I want to know who Michael is. Aaron clearly has built a life without me while I was creating life in me. Our time apart couldn’t have been more different.
“Yes, the friend who introduced us. Anyway, I’m Jess, Aaron’s fiancée. He’s not here right now, but he’ll be home soon. Is there anything you wanted me to tell him? I can tell him you called.”
Fiancée.
Home.
He moved on.
He’s in love with someone else.
He’s engaged to another.
I can’t do that to him. I can’t tie him down to me if he wants to be with another girl.
“It’s fine. I just wanted to know how he was. No worries. Don’t even bother telling him I called. And… Congratulations on the engagement. He’s a great guy. I’m sure you’ll be very happy.”
She says something back, but I don’t hear it, I hang up, crying at the loss of Aaron, hating that I’m back at square one, missing him and wondering why I wasn’t enough for him. Why I’m not the one engaged? Why didn’t he choose me? I don’t want to live a life without him. But I have to. I have Adam to think about now. Closing my eyes, I pray my son will look more like a Smith than a Gritt because seeing him looking like his dad would be an agonizing life sentence.
Aunt Clarisse gives me back my son, understanding I need him close by so as not to crumble.
“Please look like a Smith,” I tell him softly.
But when I look deeply into his eyes, I already know those are like his father’s. This shade of blue is undeniable, the same color as Mr. Gritt’s and Aaron’s eyes.
As my son starts to cry, surely needing to be changed, I cry with him, promising myself that they’re the last tears I would shed over Aaron Gritt and vowing I would always be in control of my life, my desire, and my son; that I would never be helpless again.
Head in the game, Alane. Head in the game.
26
Now - Alane
Blindfolded, legs spread, sitting naked on the edge of a chair in my old room, Aaron is hot. His chest hair covers his toned body and sends a trail to his hard length that my tongue is happy to follow.
Taking him in my mouth, kneeling between his legs in my room is a fantasy I’d played in my mind since I was sixteen.
We never did anything in here. Aaron was never allowed inside my house. Now that we’re adults, and my mother is out, I’m not letting the opportunity escape us, even if it feels kind of creepy being with Aaron in a room that seems frozen in time. It looks the same as when I left years ago. My parents never took the time to change anything in it, and as I never came back, never went through what I left behind. There is even an old Polaroid of Aaron and I still pinned on the corkboard.
“Alane, not that I’m not enjoying what you’re doing with your tongue, but I really wanted to talk to you.” Planting my hands on his thighs, I rise and lean forward, my mouth brushing his ear and my breasts against his chest.
“Do I need to gag you, Aar? Because I will. I’m not sure that’s something you’re into, but if you don’t let me do what I want now, I will shut you up.” I kiss him while my hand finds his dick and strokes him hard.
“Please, Sweets, proceed,” he moans once I back away and kneel again. I know from past experience that some men hate not seeing the blowjob actions, but I also know that not having his sight will give him a great orgasm. I thought a lot of his ex-wife and about his first time not being mine, and I decided I could still be some of his firsts if the Alane I were before made an appearance for him to enjoy. After asking him what Jess mostly did, I decided to push boundaries and give him the best, so I could erase her mouth from his dick. Young Alane’s blowjobs had nothing on me now. He’s ready for a great ride. Straddling him, I push him inside me so my juices can cover him.
“I'm going to ask you questions, and you can only answer yes or no. Do you understand? If you break the rules, I’ll stop.” I feel in total control. Nothing can stop me.
“Have you ever had a threesome?” I go up and down on him.
“No,” he whispers, and I kiss him as a reward.
“Have you ever tied someone up?”
“Yes.” I circle my hips and he grunts. Knowing his dick is wet enough from me, I stand up and back away. “I answered, why are you stopping?”
“I’m just starting, don’t worry.” Bringing my mouth to his hard dick, I lick it clean from balls to tip. I love tasting myself on him.
“Have you ever spanked someone?”
“Yes.” I lick the tip like an ice cream.
“Been spanked?”
“No.” I lick his whole length again.
“Was I in any of your fantasies?” I don’t know what he’s thinking about, but his dick springs. I engulf it in my mouth and plunge my finger inside myself. He grunts while I moan around his shaft. “Tell me about it.”
“I’ve thought of fucking you every time I fucked Jess from behind.” His honesty sends a jolt of pleasure to my pussy and sadness into my heart. I bring my fingers to his mouth and paint his lips with them before pushing them in his mouth. He sucks on them while I lap at his dick. Putting my hand at the base to cover it all, I turn my wrist for my hand to twirl in the opposite direction my tongue does.
“Alane, I’m…” I stop. Popping it out of my mouth, I make Aaron stand.
“I said shhh.” Taking back my position on my knees between his legs, I open my jaw wide and dip one testicle in my mouth while my hand strokes him slowly.
“Shit, Alane. Teabagging? Seriously, I need to see this” Closing my mouth around him, I slide down his ball, pulling on his most sensitive skin.
“Remove the blindfold, you can help me and dip deeper into my mouth if you want.” He does and without saying more, I let him take control. Loving the domination he has over me while he plunges, I allow him to replace my hand on himself. He jerks off while I gently swallow him.
“Fuck, I should have never let you go,” he says while stroking himself harder. Releasing him, I beg him to fuck me. He pushes me on the bed and flips
me on my stomach, his mouth finding my ass right away, biting hard.
“Higher, Sweets,” His hands find my hips and positions me, so my pussy is wide opened for him. He continues biting my ass, not putting his mouth near any part of my openings, torturing me while I beg him.
“Did you do any of the things you asked me before?” He nibbles hard.
“Yes,” I moan in the pillow.
“Did you ever think of me while doing it?”
“Always.” I can’t lie. “I never stopped thinking of you.” I’m rewarded by two fingers entering me while his tongue circles my ass.
“I’ve never fucked an ass, Al, and I really want to fuck yours. Would you let me?” His fingers are finding their way inside me, scissoring me rapidly while he repositions himself above me. His whole body is now restraining me, and his dick is rubbing against my ass cheeks. I’m on the verge of climaxing when he stops everything. Waiting for my answer.
“Do as it pleases you, Aaron.” He starts to move his fingers again, slowly bringing me back to where I was.
“Do you have a vibrator?” I nod, trying to reach the night table to bring it out. Aaron moves to get it, and I miss him right away. Hearing the drawer open and close, I look back to find him turning on my toy.
“Fuck, you’re sexy. There is so much I want to do to you. Are you okay with having this on your clit while I take your ass?” I had no idea Aaron could be so dirty, eager to please, I feel my pussy getting drenched by the possibilities we could explore.
“I could even take it inside me if you want.” I bite my lip, wriggling my ass as an offering to his desire.
“Whatever you prefer, Sweets. I’ve waited a long time to take you all the ways I dreamed of. I just want you to come as much as I know will.” His pushes his tip inside me, and I enjoy stretching wide for him. The pain I feel makes me come alive. I cry his name when he pulls out, pleading for him to take me once and for all. When his hand brings my vibrator to my clit, I sob with pleasure, loving that he can give me what I thought I’d lost, what I thought I was done wanting. “Push it inside you, so I can take care of your tits.” My head is plastered in fog, and when I push the tip of the toy inside me at the same moment he pinches my nipple and thrusts in me, I come like I never did before. My vagina is soaring, warmth spreading inside me as fast as an army of ants, and I scream Aaron’s name until he pulls out and comes on my ass.
