by S. E. Lund
I shook my head, because she was getting way ahead of herself.
"Wait," I said and held out my hand. "We just started seeing each other. It's not like that."
"Maybe not for you, but I suspect it is for Josh. Besides, your relationship with him was important enough for you to come and speak to me, to hear what I had to say. It was important enough to Joshua to admit what happened and send you to me with his blessing. I'd say there's something between you two that is more than just mutual attraction." She wagged her eyebrows. "Maybe you just don't realize it yet."
I tried not to grin, because the idea made me very happy. It surprised me, but I hadn't realized how much I felt for Josh, in addition to being incredibly physically attracted to him. Thinking about us becoming a couple sent a surge of excitement through me, and a feeling of desire mixed with affection. Of a deep need for him as a man.
I saw his face in my mind's eye – his handsome face, masculine with blue-gray eyes, a well-trimmed beard, his hair long on top, falling into his eyes in this sexy way. His incredible build. His intensity as a lover.
I felt a jolt of desire when I thought about going away to Bali for a weekend with him, alone on a tropical island all-inclusive resort. Nothing but sun, surf and sex…
"Thank you for being so open about this," I said and stood up, deciding I'd heard enough and still feeling quite awkward to be talking to Marcella about it. "I have to go, but I appreciate your willingness to meet with me so quickly."
She stood and escorted me to the door. "Please, feel free to contact me in the future if you are looking for a different opportunity. I'm sure with your credentials, I could land you a plum position with a publishing house."
I smiled and we shook hands before I left. Then I took the elevator down to the main floor and walked out into the late afternoon pedestrian traffic.
I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and the pedestrians walked around me, flowing like a river of people. I had dreamed of being here, in Manhattan, in Mid-Town Manhattan in particular, the publishing world's center of gravity. Now, here I was – working for a major publisher, living in a cute studio apartment in Chelsea, and I had one of the wealthiest bachelors in America inviting me to spend a dirty weekend with him in a tropical paradise.
"Hey, lady, get the hell off the middle of the sidewalk!" a man called out at me, bumping into me. I came out of my trance of happiness and quickly went to the side of the building, out of the way of the thickest pedestrian traffic.
I didn’t go back to my place right away. Instead, I went to Central Park and walked around the lake, trying to clear my head and figure out what I should do.
I sat on a bench by the pond, and watched some geese swimming around. On the street, a couple of horse-drawn carriages clip-clopped by, the sound of their hooves making me think of when I was a child and used to go on hayrides in the fall.
I was filled with a sense of melancholy, and wished the answer would come to me so I could finally feel settled, but there was no bolt of lightning or clear message from above, telling me what to do.
I had to figure it out myself.
I took out my cell, and checked my messages.
Sure enough, there was one from Josh.
JOSH: I'm standing outside your apartment with a bouquet of roses in my hand, hoping you'll let me in so we can talk this over.
I smiled at the mention of leaving roses, pleased that he was trying so hard to win me back even if I didn't know if I would let myself go.
I texted him.
ELLA: I met with Marcella.
JOSH: And? I hope she cleared up a few facts.
ELLA: She did.
JOSH: So, what are your thoughts?
ELLA: I'm not sure. I need to think of things for a while.
JOSH: What things? You must know that after I met you, I didn’t want to meet any of Marcella's candidates. None of them compared to you.
I didn't know what to say in response, but it made me smile to myself. It was what Marcella had said, and it warmed my heart to see him repeat it.
JOSH: Ella… I've fallen for you. I think we're good together. I want us to give this – whatever it is between us – a real try. Come to Bali with me.
That confession – that he'd fallen for me – sent a jolt of desire through me. I actually closed my eyes and covered my mouth, because it made my heart tug, but I needed time.
ELLA: I need some time to process it all.
JOSH: Of course. Whatever happens, the tickets are still good for Friday so if you want to give this a real serious try, I'll be waiting at the Emirates Lounge, hoping you show up with only your bathing suit and a change of clothes along with you. Where we're going, it will be clothing optional most of the time and I intend to keep you very busy and very naked…
I smiled to myself. That prospect sent a surge of warmth through my body. I glanced up at the sky, grinning like an idiot. It was Tuesday. I had to work Wednesday and Thursday, but then I had Friday off until the following Wednesday. The ticket to Bali was for Friday at noon. We'd fly for hours with a layover in Saudi Arabia, and then we'd fly to Bali for three glorious days in an amazing resort. With our own pool and beachfront.
I didn't text Josh back because, as excited as I felt about Bali, I was still uncertain about whether I should go. I put my cell into my bag, and after it was almost dark, I went back to my apartment and found a bouquet of beautiful red roses at the front entry. I brought them inside and stood at my tiny sink, trying to decide what to put them in. The tallest glass I had was too short and frail to hold twelve roses. I remembered I had a big jar of Catelli Spaghetti Sauce for dinner the other night when I was dreaming of meatballs and made some. It was out in the recycling so I went downstairs to the back of the building and bent over the bin, fishing around in the old tin cans, the plastic bottles and soda cans, until I found it. I brought it back inside, washed it out and then cut each rose stem down so that all twelve fit inside and the jar didn't tip over.
I spent some time cleaning my tiny apartment to distract myself. I needed to talk to Steph, although I already knew what she'd say.
Regardless, I needed to hear it before I made my decision. As soon as I was finished cleaning, I'd call her.
My body said yes, my heart said yes, but my brain kept going over the fact that he felt out of my league and that maybe, I was jumping back into the fire too soon. I thought that a nice fling with a handsome boy-toy like bicycle courier Josh might be a way to get over Jerkface, but billionaire publisher mogul Josh felt like he was more than just a fling.
I could already feel my heart being taken by him, and was afraid he'd break it.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Joshua
I sat alone in my apartment and waited for her to reply, and say something about the flowers, but she didn't.
Discouraged, I went out and bought a carton of takeout fried chicken from a small place down the street. I grabbed a six-pack of beer from the corner liquor store and went back up to my apartment in the building by the park.
I could have been out with the boys from work, drinking at a classy bar, ogling the pretty women there, maybe picking one up for a night of easy meaningless sex, but somehow, that felt empty to me now. Sure, maybe it was what I enjoyed five years earlier, before I met and became engaged to Christie, but now?
It felt like a charade. Like an empty waste of time.
A bunch of lonely men pretending to be having fun, laughing it up, getting slightly drunk or stoned, when all we really wanted was something more. A deeper connection to someone who had your back, who looked forward to seeing you each morning and at who wanted to spend time with you at the end of each day. Where the sex wasn't meaningless, but was instead deep and intense because you knew exactly what did it for her and she knew what did it for you, and you both delivered.
I thought I had that with Christie, but I was self-deceived. I'd kept myself emotionally locked up ever since we split, and it was only running into Ella, and helpi
ng her out when she was in need, that opened me up again to how it felt to be human with another woman.
My cell dinged and I had to wipe my hands off quickly before picking it up off the coffee table to check it out.
ELLA: The flowers are lovely. Thank you. I put them in this spaghetti sauce jar because it was the only thing big enough to hold them without falling over. I actually had to go out back behind the building and get the jar out of the recycling bin. You can imagine me bending over into it, fishing around in the cans and jars, almost falling inside.
I smiled, my grin huge. Well, at least I knew she didn't throw them into the trash.
JOSH: I'm glad you like them. I was worried you'd have thrown them into the trash, but I'm glad you got to reuse that spaghetti sauce jar. Reduce, reuse and recycle is my motto.
She didn't respond back, nor were there any bouncing dots indicating a response was coming and I felt sad. I wanted her to come over right then and there so we could be together instead of me being alone texting her.
JOSH: So, I suppose that means that I missed out on a nice spaghetti dinner… Did you make meatballs?
Then, she did start to answer and I had hope for the first time in a long time.
ELLA: Actually, I did make meatballs but alas, my cooking skills are not up to Mrs. Corleone's or whoever it was who made them at that restaurant we went to.
JOSH: I could probably ask for the recipe the next time we go. They like me there. I'm a regular.
There was a pause and I waited with a smile on my face to see how she'd respond.
ELLA: I saw what you did there…
JOSH: What did I do???
I waited but there was no reply. Damn… I really had to work hard to get her to stay engaged.
JOSH: So, I have it from sources who are in the know that the resort in Bali has the very best fresh fish and seafood, and it's served daily at an all-day buffet and restaurant. We could order in and stay in the room for the entire time we're there, or we could get dressed up one night when we need a break from all the nakedness and go sit in the lovely outdoor dining room that is described as, and I quote, "open to the magnificent tropical night sky filled with a million stars."
I waited but again, no response.
Then, she texted me an image of the roses in the Catelli spaghetti sauce jar. The label had been partially scraped off, but it was clear enough to know what brand. She'd had to trim the stems so that the roses didn't fall out of the jar, but it was still a nice bouquet.
JOSH: I want to come by and see your apartment.
Of course, I wanted more than just to see her apartment, but I was truly curious about her place. I wanted to see where she lived so I could picture her there.
ELLA: I could send you a video of the place. It's pretty small and would only take about five seconds to cover everything. There's a Murphy bed, and a small desk, a two-seater table against the wall beside the kitchenette, and a television mounted to the other wall. The bathroom is about four by four feet with a tiny shower, toilet and miniature sink. And there's one full wall of brick. It's tiny, but it's mine, all mine.
JOSH: Sounds amazing.
JOSH: So, no invite over for a late-night visit?
ELLA: I'm exhausted after working four straight twelve-hour days, frankly.
JOSH: Three days of sun, surf and … whatever your heart desires is the remedy for that.
ELLA: I thought Bali was the fulfilment of your fantasies, not mine.
JOSH: Your desire is my pleasure.
There was a long pause and I knew I was pushing a bit too much, but I didn't want to lose her now. I had to keep pressing her to let herself do what I thought she really wanted – I thought – I hoped – that she wanted to be with me, but was afraid. That was my fault for not being truthful to her right from the start about who I was. If I had, she would have trusted me more, and understood that whatever we felt was both mutual and real.
JOSH: Ella, if I could go back in time to the day we met in the elevator, I would tell you the truth about who I was, so you wouldn't be concerned about me being honest. It was just so nice to be liked for me, just Josh. Not THE Joshua Macintyre Jr. That was all. I didn't do it to deceive you. I did it to make you relax and be yourself. It worked and you were real with me. You can't know how much that meant to me, especially after what happened with my ex.
ELLA: I understand. Look, I'm still processing everything, but I really appreciate the thoughtfulness of the flowers. Now, I'm seriously exhausted and have to say goodnight.
JOSH: Goodnight. I hope I see you on Friday…
That was it. She didn't text me back, but I felt a whole lot better about things after texting with her than I felt before. Now, if only I knew for certain she would meet me at the Emirates lounge, I could sleep well and look forward to my final day of work before Bali.
I had decided I wouldn't go if she didn't, because while I really needed the escape, I knew it would hurt too much if she didn’t show up.
Unable to sleep because my mind was working too hard, I grabbed my bike and my reflective vest and helmet and went out into the Manhattan evening to ride, work off some of my excess energy.
I rode beside the park along my usual path, driving down side streets to get to the bike pathway along the Hudson. Usually, physical exertion like that cleared my mind, and I rode along, my mind focused on my breathing and the path ahead, the traffic around me and my destination.
I arrived back at the building, a considerable sweat worked up and a lot of stress worked off. I went back up to my apartment and had a shower, all the while thinking of Ella, wondering if she'd show up on Friday. I wanted to text her and try to feel her out, but at the same time, I didn't want to annoy her or be a jerk, so I held off.
Instead, I went to bed and tried hard not to think of her, for I was exhausted and I knew that if I thought too much, my mind would go back to our one real encounter and I would need to take care of business. But try as I might not to think about her, my mind went there and I wondered whether Ella would show up on Friday at the airport lounge.
I didn't know what the future held for us, but I was going to try to give the relationship every chance I could to succeed. Both of us had been hurt by cheaters, and both of us needed to find our way back to trusting again.
All I knew was that when I was with her, I was happy. I enjoyed her – her smile, her wit, and of course, she beautiful, ambitious and smart. But most of all, she had a good heart.
Whatever happened between us, I felt that was certain and that was what really mattered.
Thursday, I spent the day mired in work, going over all the projects I had on my desk, making sure I could take time off over the next five days and that everything would be taken care of in my absence. I truly didn't want to answer any work-related emails or take and business calls the entire time we were there. I would have my assistant field all calls and only put through true emergencies. Nothing less than a five-alarm fire would interrupt me while I was on vacation.
Then, I picked up my suitcase and left for JFK, wondering as the taxi drove there whether she would show up or leave me hanging. I went to the Emirates Lounge, and took a seat in one of the chairs by a window, and began my vigil.
I checked my cell. I had arrived an hour before I needed to check in, and made sure that I could watch the doorway so I could see Ella the moment she arrived. The moments passed, and I kept my cell open, checking email and my social media, hoping that if she decided not to come, that she'd at least text me so I would know before the flight left. I hoped that she would have let me know by now if she wasn't coming so I could either reschedule or cancel, depending.
The fact she hadn't gave me hope.
Exactly thirty-two minutes after I arrived, I saw her walk through the doors into the lounge. The relief I felt was intense. I checked and sure enough, she had a suitcase in hand and hadn’t just come to see me off.
I stood and she came right over, her face flushed, her cheeks pink.
She smiled. "I tried to be here an hour before, but my taxi got stuck in traffic."
I took her hand and pulled her into my arms, kissing her, my arms slipping around her to pull her closer. She kissed me back, her enthusiasm a sign she was fully with me. No hesitation.
"You came," I said and stroked her cheek, smiling. "I wasn't sure you would."
"I wasn't sure I would either, but I didn’t want to regret not going one day when I'm an old lady living in a retirement home."
She smiled up at me, and I laughed at that image. My mind immediately went to us sitting together in that retirement home, an old grizzled couple, holding hands.
"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before."
Then I kissed her again, because I now truly believed that line from Tennyson. No matter what happened between us, I knew then I had to find out.
Epilogue
Ella
"What do you think?"
Josh stood behind me at the patio door, his arms around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder so that his lips were beside my ear.
"It's amazing," I said, squeezing his arms, for the scene was truly fantastic.
Our rooms looked out onto the beach and beyond it, to the Pacific, which was now calm, a bright moon illuminating a bank of clouds against a starry sky. I could hear the roar of the surf and it was distant enough to be calming. Outside our room was a personal swimming pool and a set of lounge chairs. A few yards away, surf washed against the beach.
"So," I said and turned around in his arms. "This is your fantasy. Tell me what you want me to do."
He stared into my eyes for a moment then shook his head slowly.
