“What if it’s too much for me?” I let out a pathetic bleat, exposing a strand of raw nerves in full view of all the inmates, which was exactly the sort of thing I was hoping to avoid.
Gray’s cheek is warm against mine as his chin peeks over my shoulder. “Then you run to us. You run to me.”
I don’t know why that’s been such an impossible concept, but finally the safety of his offer sinks in. Maybe it’s okay for my few friends to band around me when I’m going down. Maybe it’s okay for me to feel hurt when hurtful things happen.
Maybe it’s okay to love the people who so clearly love me.
When Gray’s certain I don’t have enough fight in me to go after my assailant and get myself into trouble, he and Cass escort me back to the table.
Charlotte mimes clawing at her cheek, but quickly returns to her meal when I sit. I can tell she’s been filling Paxton in on my time spent gouging up my face and painting the concrete walls with my blood in solitary.
Brilliant. Now Paxton knows I’m crazy.
I take my seat with quaking limbs in between the guys once more, wishing for a thousand things, and perhaps only one.
I want to get out of here.
And tonight, we’re going to get one step closer to making that happen.
12
To See and Be Seen
Paxton
I didn’t want to believe the things Charlotte told me about Arlanna’s last stint in solitary any more than Arlanna wanted me to know all that happened. Arlanna is too embarrassed to look at me directly, which is awful, because this might be my last evening to see her up close. I want her looking at me with those secrets brimming that I somehow understand. I don’t know them, but I have a sense about her, and all she’s been through. In many ways, I feel so connected to her that my skin hums whenever we touch. Does she feel it, too? Or am I so pathetic from being isolated that I’m reading into every little nothing, and turning it into something I’ll never get over?
I’m an utter tool for not telling Gray how badly I want his girlfriend. I shouldn’t be near them, harboring feelings as I am.
The bathroom is sparkling clean. Though, as it’s only the shifter and I who use the latrine on this floor, it wasn’t actually all that dingey to begin with.
I lather up under the tepid spray and try not to obsess about all that’s about to go down when I get into the cell. I’ve been as clear as I can that unlocking my magic is going to be detrimental to everyone.
When I finish with my shower, the shifter is brushing his teeth, clad in only his underwear. He’s so much more comfortable with his body than I ever will be. Then again, I had private tutors my whole life. I never went to a proper school where boys had to dress for gym and shower and all that. On top of being an only child, this whole way of life at Prigham’s is entirely new to me.
The shifter rinses out his mouth and wipes off the residue on his damp towel. “You ready for it?”
I grab a uniform and do what I can to get dressed using my towel as a shield. “Ready? No. But I understand the call of a clairvoyant. I’ll not put Charlotte through the pain that comes from resisting her vision.”
“Anything I can do to help, once your death glare turns back on?”
I shimmy into my underwear and step into my jumpsuit, finally feeling a modicum less awkward, now that I’m partially clothed. “Yes, actually. You can keep Arlanna away from me.” At the shifter’s raised eyebrow as he turns to examine me more closely, his butt leaning against the sink, I press on. “I mean it. I don’t want to hurt anyone, obviously, but if I damaged her?” I shake my head as I zip up my jumpsuit. Of course, now I feel overdressed, as Gray is still only in his underwear. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
Gray wipes off his toothbrush. “I believe you.” He turns to stare at me, a tinge of amusement curving the corner of his mouth. “Something tells me that’s not all you’re gearing up to say.”
My chest feels hollow at being called out, but there’s no backing away from the truth now.
I stand straighter, my shoulders rolling back as I gear up for the hard truth. “I’ve got it bad for your girlfriend. Everyone else, I can avoid eye contact with. But her? That’s why I need you to keep her away from me. I won’t be able to keep my gaze from Arlanna completely. She…” I don’t know how to end that sentence, and Gray hasn’t hauled off and punched me yet for professing feelings for his girl, so I run my hand over my face and shake my head at myself. “After I’m unlocked, I’ll request a room change, so things aren’t so awkward. Shouldn’t be that hard to keep her away from me. She’s always looking at you like you’re a superhero anyway.”
Gray crosses his arms over his chest. “I don’t see why you need to switch rooms. It’s not like she doesn’t want you, too. I don’t think she knows that’s what she feels yet, but I can sense it.”
There’s no ire in his statement. I don’t understand.
“What?” I motion between us. “Shouldn’t this be the part where you throw me through a window or something?”
He motions around the concrete walls. “Afraid I’m fresh out of windows.” Gray chuckles at my palpable nerves. “You should see your face.” Then he waves off the tension, because he’s just that cool. “Owning people is a fae notion. Arly can be with you, so long as she doesn’t leave me to do it. But that means you and I need to get along. No matter how it all shakes out, you’re important to her, and we’re all working toward Charlotte’s goal of getting out. Hating you won’t do anyone a lick of good.”
Then the shifter does something so strange, I back away on instinct. He steps forward and extends his hand to me.
It’s a few seconds before I take it, his heated grip putting me in my place—wherever that is. “I respect a man who tells me to my face he’s creeping on the woman in my arms. I’m also grateful for anyone who watches out for Arly’s best interest. She’s paying for her father’s crimes more than anyone in here ever will. It’s not right.” Then his grip tightens as he takes a step closer. “Be a good man, Paxton. Whatever that means to you, be a good man. After her upbringing, she deserves a solid five years being surrounded by only good men.”
It’s paternal, this intimidating stare he fixes on me. Part of me wants to defy him, but the other part sees that there’s no reason I should. He’s telling me to be a good person, which is nothing to throw a fit about.
I swallow hard. “Do you have children?”
Gray blinks at my left turn and drops my hand. “No. Never been all that serious about a woman before Arly. Why would you ask me that?”
I straighten, hoping I don’t look as shaken as I feel. “Because you’d be good at it—being a dad. My own father never spoke to me like that.”
I can’t believe I make Gray chuckle, but he smiles and his shoulders drop. “I think most of us at Prigham’s never had a solid parent. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here. No, I don’t have kids. But I know who I am and what I can tolerate. Arly and I don’t need anyone in our circle who’s bent on being selfish. We’ve had enough of that.” Then he walks over and grabs a clean uniform, finally getting dressed. “Doesn’t seem like selfishness suits you, so I’ll do what I can not to have a problem with you crushing on Arly. Can’t blame you for having good taste. Like I said, owning people is a fae thing; shifters are less stringent about it all.” He shakes his head at himself. “But don’t make Arly uncomfortable. That’s all I ask. Don’t be sneaky, either. So that’s two things, I guess.”
I don’t know if I’m hearing him correctly, so I speak slowly while I shatter the fragile glass between us. “I’ve thought much of Arlanna from afar for a long time. If she somehow returned that affection, you wouldn’t come after me?”
Gray doesn’t break the steady gaze with which he’s sizing me up. “I don’t own her. I’m also not going to give her up. I’m not into fighting other men for a woman’s affection. If she wants to be with me, that’s what I want. If she also wants to be with you, then you and I need
to become better friends.”
I can scarcely believe what I’m hearing.
It’s the most civil way this could possibly have gone down, though I’m still not entirely certain of all that he’s outright said.
As we walk back to the cell, he starts up a casual conversation about how terrible the meatloaf in here is, and that I’m smart to be a vegetarian to save myself from that horror alone.
I like the guy; I can’t help it. I’ve never been friends with a shifter before, but if this is what it’s like, I can’t say I mind it all that much.
Arlanna’s eyebrows raise in surprise when the two of us enter to the tune of light banter. Our matching smiles perk her up, so I know that whatever happens, part of me will want to be friends with Gray, simply because it makes her happy.
Charlotte is anxiously fiddling with the sleeve of her uniform, and doesn’t stop until I give her a nod. “I’m nearly ready for you all to do your thing and unlock me.”
Charlotte exhales her relief, and instantly I feel terrible for putting her in a position to go against her vision’s beckoning. I’ve read stories in our history books about clairvoyants who’ve driven stakes through their temples because resisting their visions drove them to madness.
“That’s great. Thank you, Paxton. Truly. Do what you need, and then let’s get started. I want to get this in motion before lights out.” Charlotte plops down on her mattress, but her posture doesn’t relax.
I take a chance and crouch before Charlotte, taking her by surprise at my close proximity. “If I can’t make eye contact with anyone for the rest of my life, I want to see you all one last time. Then we can get started.”
I don’t know why I need this, but I do. To see and be seen is magic in and of itself, and I don’t want to pass up on my last chance for this kind of intimacy.
“Oh, Paxton. Of course.” Charlotte holds out her hands, radiating compassion.
I take the offer gratefully. I tilt forward so my knees are pressed to her shins for balance, and look into her brown eyes so I can see her—really see her.
“Paxton,” she coos softly, her eyes brimming with sympathy and unending sweetness.
Many things pass between us as we stare into each other’s eyes.
“You’re a good person,” I rule, stating the obvious because I see it clearly in her gaze. “You like being happy. Not many people actually do, you know. Most get addicted to drama, or having something to complain about. But you like being content.” I exhale as I let her presence fill me up. “Man, I wish there were more of you.”
Charlotte’s eyes glisten as tears pool and then spill with a blink. “You’re sad, even when you’re smiling. All the time, sad.” She reaches out and touches my cheek. “All the time, lonely. Oh, Paxton. We won’t leave you. You’re afraid we’re going to edge you out, once you’re unlocked. You’re one of us now.” She leans forward and kisses my forehead, making my heart stutter. “You’re worried you’ll have to go back to your bland smiles and hide in plain sight, but we see you, Paxton. We’ll always see you.”
I rock forward onto my knees and wrap my arms around her. I can’t help it; I love Charlotte’s innocent sweetness. How I made it this long without a friend like her, I’ll never know.
“I adore everything about you,” I admit.
Charlotte squeezes me tighter. “That’s because good attracts good. You love me because you’re a good person, and so am I. I believe in you, Paxton.” She kisses my prickly cheek. “And I love you, too, big brother.”
Her words and her hug squeeze a laugh out of me. Elation like I never dreamed fills me because finally, I belong with someone good. She’s claiming me as her brother, as hers. How I wish I’d been born as her family.
When I release her, I turn to Gray. Though we’ve already had our moment of connecting—strange though it was—I want to memorize his eyes again. I shake his hand and really do what I can to see him—this shifter who loves the woman I will never get over.
“We aren’t going to abandon you,” he promises. “We’ll figure this out and find a way to reverse it all, once you do what you need to do for Charlotte’s vision. I’ll stage a fight with you that damages your magic-muting cuffs, so they have to replace them.” He tightens his grip, but it’s not to intimidate. It’s solidarity he’s pumping into my skin. “We won’t let you be alone in here, okay? Charlotte’s right. Good attracts good. We’ll be with you the whole time, brother.”
In his dark brown eyes, I see clearly his need to always do the right thing. I’m guessing his devotion to a peaceful path has plagued his steps since before Prigham’s. He’s too good a person to watch injustice and do nothing, but too steady to let defiance rule his steps.
The lump in my throat might never go away. “Brother?”
A wry smile crooks across Gray’s face. “Neither of us have ever had one. I figure it’s better than you thinking I’m a father figure.”
I chuckle because I can’t help it. He draws me in for a hug, making me feel protected and part of something. Though I’ve never categorized myself as small, I can’t help but feel dwarfed by his bulk. But instead of being daunted, I let myself lean into the safety he lends freely.
“I can’t remember the last time a man hugged me,” I admit.
When Gray releases me, his hand squeezes my shoulder. “Then I’ll have to do it more often.” He winces. “Bollocks. It’s rubbish like that, isn’t it. That’s what makes me sound like a dad.”
Charlotte giggles. “Yep. I’m glad Paxton said it, Pops.”
“Knock it off, you two. I’m not that much older than you.” Gray’s neck shrinks.
I grin at Charlotte. “You’d better behave, Charlotte. Dad’s going to get mad.”
Gray mimes a laugh and points at Charlotte in a way I can tell means business, but then catches himself being paternal again and shrinks.
The break in the tension is much needed, but the levity falls when I turn toward Arlanna, who’s been silent for much of the evening. When my gaze lands on her, she looks away, as she often does.
“Don’t,” she says when I open my mouth. “I don’t want the big speech. Let’s do the thing, and be done with it.”
It’s like she’s slapped me with her harsh rebuke. I stumble back, wondering if I will ever get to be close to this woman I adore.
13
Brave Enough to be Vulnerable
Paxton
“Arly,” Charlotte chides Arlanna’s brusque dismissal of me.
My heart stutters at being shut down before I can say a word to her.
Arlanna holds up her hand. “No. I can’t handle you being sweet to me. If you do, I’ll get upset, and I’ve already had a long day.” Then she tucks her body between the foot of her bunk and the wall, literally hiding from me.
Normally I’ll go along with whatever I’m told, because that’s the job. But this is too much. “It’s my last chance to see you.”
Gray catches my eye and nods me toward Arlanna, coaxing me to at least step nearer. When I do, I see moisture sparkling on her cheeks.
My entire being jerks forward, moving to stand before her in the small space between the foot of the bunk and the wall.
“Sweet girl,” I coo, closing the gap between us so I can hold her beautiful face in my hands. Even though the bruising is turning the skin beneath her brow blue, she’s still the woman I’ve never been able to push out of my mind.
She sniffles, now that her tears have been found out. “I haven’t been a sweet girl in a very long time. This place ages you. I’ll never be your sweet girl again. I can’t even remember that far back.”
Oh, that she could see herself through my eyes.
Even though Charlotte and Gray are mere feet away, I dig for the truth, raw as it is. “Always. When I’m sixty-four, and you’re sixty-three, you’ll still be my sweet girl. Don’t you know how I’ve combed the papers for mentions of you? One time, your nose was pink in one of the photos, so I had chicken soup and cough drops se
nt to Sloan, since I knew nothing from me would ever reach you directly.”
Her pretty mouth forms an astonished “O” shape, and I have to fight everything in me not to kiss her pink lips.
“Don’t you know that no matter how many jailbreaks we pull, no matter how tired from life you feel, you’ll always be my girl?”
Her tears stream now, pooling in my hands like tiny diamonds for me to keep. This is the woman I adore. Not just the composed one who’s perfect in her modeling pictures, but also this version—the woman who is brave enough to be vulnerable.
Her sniffles turn to demure sobs as her hands reach up and circle around the cuffs on my wrists, holding onto me while the world rocks us. I don’t care what the system throws at us; we’re finally in the same boat, finally together. I’ve got her face in my hands, so whatever horrors are wrong in the world, this moment I’m living is proof that so many things have finally righted.
“Gray,” I say, my voice husky with need. “I promised I wouldn’t sneak behind your back, so I’m telling you to your face that I need to kiss her. Please let me kiss your girlfriend.”
Arlanna cries harder, no doubt torn between something steady and something new.
I don’t expect Gray to respond with anything other than a blow to the back of my head, no matter how cool he claims to be with my affection splintering the scene.
When Gray speaks in his gravelly tone, it’s the only thing that can tear my gaze from Arlanna’s blue orbs. “Shifters don’t own people,” Gray repeats with a note of disgust. “That’s a fae thing. We don’t keep people, other than to protect them. You’re no danger to Arly. If she’s okay with two men kissing her, then that’s fine. I get that this is a complicated situation for you. Thanks for checking. Don’t edge me out, and I’m good.”
I’m shocked beyond measure, my chest filling so quickly with hope that I’m certain my sternum might burst out from me.
Sins of the Mother: A Paranormal Prison Romance (Sinfully Sacrificed Book 2) Page 7
