by R. D Rhodes
I checked about the room to see if the others were in on it, if anyone had overheard, but everyone was immersed in the TV and the nurses were busy chatting to each other.
“I’ve not even seen a doctor yet.” I said. “I think there’s been a mistake.”
The nurse rolled her eyes in annoyance, “Look, I’m just doin’ my job. This sheet is always right. It says here- Twenty milligrams benzodiazepine,” She showed me the board with her finger hovering above my name. “Now you either take it by yourself, or we will have to do it for you, and you don’t want that.”
I glanced at the mob slouched in front of the Telly again, then at the dead, unblinking eyes at my table, and then at the nurses at the food trolley. “Hazel!” I shouted.
She never heard. I got up and marched over to where they were standing. She watched me cautiously and I felt her partners’ eyes burn into my head.
I pointed. “That woman’s trying to give me medication.”
Sanders chestnut eyes shot at the older nurse then back at me. “That woman’s name is Jean. Yes, you’re on a low dose anti-depressant, just for a few days till the doctor can take a proper look at you. What’s the problem?” She looked at me like it was nothing out of the ordinary, like she was doing nothing wrong.
“What do you mean, what’s the problem?” My voice raised. “I’m just here and you’re expecting me to take these pills I’ve never heard of when I’ve not even seen a doctor yet.”
Kev stepped straight out from behind the trolley. I took a step back as Sanders spoke softly and stared me in the eye. “It was the doctor that recommended them, honey. It won’t do you any harm.”
I shook my head, feeling the anger rise up in my chest.
“I’m not taking them. Not till I’ve seen the doctor myself.”
I turned to go back to the table and as soon as I had there was a flash of movement behind me. My instincts kicked in and I leapt forward and ran out into the corridor, dodging the flailing set of arms. Shit! Shit! I need to get out of here, I thought, but I sprinted halfway down the corridor and realized I had nowhere to go, just bedroom doors to my left and barred windows to my right. I panicked. I turned my door handle, it wouldn’t open, neither would the others. I sprinted to the secure locked doors at the entrance, but they wouldn’t budge either. I turned around and backed against the doors, helpless, as the nurses calmly edged closer in a line of three, Sanders in the middle, Kev and Liz either side, like three demons coming straight for me. I quickly checked each one- wondering if I could take them- Liz yes, Sanders yes, but Kev? And all three of them together? It was impossible.
They kept getting closer. I didn’t know what they were going to do to me.
“Help!” I shouted. “Help, please! Someone!”
There was a commotion at the other end of the hall. I glanced over Sanders shoulder; a few patients had stepped out of the common room and were watching in a crowd.
The nurses closed in on me.
“Help!” I shouted to the other patients, “Help me, please!”
The nurses stopped a few yards away and Sanders stepped forward. Her eyes flashed. Her right cheek was twitching.
“What are you going to do to me?” I screamed at her. “What do you want? Come near me and I’ll fucking kill you.”
“We just want you to take the medication, that’s all.” She coaxed softly.
“I’m not fucking taking it. I told you already.”
I felt like a caged wild animal. I was terrified. I formed my fist into a ball and got ready to defend myself.
Sanders eyes observed me cautiously, she watched my eyes then glared at my hands.
“Fine. Do you want me to phone the doctor then? He’s really busy you know.”
I kept my back to the door.
“I’m not taking them otherwise.”
“Fine! Let me past then.”
I slid my back along the wall and she furiously stepped past me- her heels clacking louder than ever off the floor- and opened the door with her key and locked it behind her. Her heels traipsed away into the distance and I could hear my heavy breath as the other nurses remained watching me and blocking off the hall.
“Not a good start Liz, is it?” Kev sneered as he stood with his arms folded. His laughing eyes kept looking me up and down and he smirked creepily. Liz looked at me in disgust.
“WHAT’S GOING ON THERE?” a voice boomed from behind them. I peered over Kev’s shoulders at a tall barrel-chested man standing at the front of the crowd with his hands on his hips.
Kev spun around, “Mind your own fuckin business, Larry! Get back to your breakfast, NOW! THE LOT OF YOU!”
Larry’s eyes drooped and his hands fell limply by his side. The gathering spectators retreated into the common room, leaving us three on our own.
“Wot did ah tell ya?” Liz shouted, her jowls thundering as she bellowed in a thick cockney accent. “Ah told ya that wan wiz gonna be trouble.”
“Just give me five minutes with her, Liz. That’s all. That’ll sort her out.”
A cold fear ran up my spine and tingled to my head. I couldn’t believe he had just said that. He couldn’t have meant what I thought he did. Not so openly. Surely? But the way his eyes kept leering at me confirmed it.
I backed up tighter to the wall.
“May-buy two.” Liz said. Their eyes poured into me while they talked as if I wasn’t there.
I didn’t dare take my eyes off them.
Suddenly the hall doors swung open from behind me and Sanders was standing there with one hand holding them open.
“C’mon then! What you waiting for? The doctor can see you now.”
Chapter 9
I couldn’t get out of that ward quick enough, and I almost dived behind the door that Sanders was holding open. But as I stood in the buffer zone before the second locked door, waiting for her to unlock it, she remained where she was, looking back.
“Kev, would you come with me to escort her up.”
Shit, I thought. I stood there with my eyes fixed on the floor. He entered through the door and stood right next to me while her key jangled in the lock.
She stepped the two paces forward and unlocked the second set of doors and Kev immediately stepped out in front and to the left, blocking off the staircase down.
“C’mon then, madam.” Sanders said, looking at me with hatred.
She waited behind the door as I stepped through, and quickly locked it behind her. While the key turned in the lock, I cast a quick glance at Kev and the stairs down- taking in his athletic physique, his long muscled legs. No, it’s useless, I thought, and dismissed the idea. The doctor will have something to say about it anyway. They can’t make me take something against my will.
“C’mon.” Sanders ordered.
I followed her bouncing ponytail up the stairs, Kev right behind us. She led me up to the top floor then along an empty corridor down what I knew must have been the west wing of the building. Her heels sharply pierced the silent air while she paced along faster than ever.
We past door after door then she suddenly stopped at about the tenth one down, where “Dr Dickson” was lettered in silver plaque over the glossy oak wood. She knocked once, pulled it open and gestured me inside. I stepped into the room and the door shut firmly behind me.
A stout, powerfully built man was sitting before me, behind a huge oak desk, his body slouched forward on his clasped hands. He twiddled his thumbs as he scrutinized me from dark eyes set deep under black bushy eyebrows. His hair was groomed in a buzz cut, his skin was tanned, and his strong chin speared from his angular face. Something about him reminded me of the security guy on the gate. He was much better looking than him though, and he knew it. Maybe it was the bushy eyebrows.
He stretched back and folded his huge hands behind his head.
“Take a seat please.” he almost yawned.
I sat down in the seat opposite him.
A dim light came into the room from the small window behind
his head. Below the window running right along the back wall was a large, solid bookshelf, filled with chunky hardbacks of various sizes. His desk was filled with books drawn from that shelf, and numerous psychiatry journals were also piled up on top of each other. In front of him and lying between us was a big blue binder with the letters DSM printed on the side.
“Now then”, he swept the back of his hand across the desk and nudged a few books away, clearing a space in front of him but keeping the blue binder where it was. He resumed a more professional position, speaking boldly and direct.
“My name is Doctor Dickson and I’m going to be your Doctor here for the duration of your stay.”
He looked back at the books and folders he had just moved to the edge of the desk and stretched out his long arm to pick one back up. His fingers grasped at the orange folder on the bottom of the pile and he spread apart the binder and ducked his head close to the pages.
“Is it Aye-sha…Ayee-sha..”
“Ayee-sha.” I said.
“Oh-kay. Ayee-sha… McGillivray. Oh yes, I had a look at this last night. It says here you suffer from blackouts and depression. Is that right?”
I looked at him blankly.
“Well? Is that the case?”
I felt my back slink down into the seat. “I have done, in the past. But the thing is I don’t-“
He raised his right hand and showed me it. He was an arrogant bastard.
“Hmm...” He went on reading, his stubby fingers flicking through the pages as his expressionless pupils rolled back and forth. Suddenly a startled look glinted in his eyes. He raised his head and stared at me in what appeared to be fascination. Then he returned to the folder and flicked a few more pages. He snapped it shut and put it down.
“Would you say you’re an angry person?”
His eyebrows were raised thoughtfully. He was actually being serious.
“Erm, no more than anyone else.”
He nodded. “You haven’t been on any medication before.”
“Is that a question or are you telling me?”
He didn’t answer.
“No. I never have.”
“How would you describe your sleeping patterns?”
“Depends. Sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes I struggle to sleep at all.”
“And would you say you’re an anxious person. Nervous when meeting other people?”
I struggled to see the relevance in these daft questions.
“Not really, it just depends. What kind of questions are these?”
“And how would you describe your motivation? Would you say you have difficulty in motivating yourself to do things? Do you get angry when someone forces you to do them?”
I was incredulous. “This is stupid, this-”
“Just answer the question please.”
“but there’s-”
“Just answer the question please.” He straightened up across the table and leaned in on me.
“Yes, I do have trouble motivating myself sometimes, but I-
He nodded his head. Triumph shone in his eyes.
“Right. Well from looking at your case it seems pretty clear to me that I was justified in prescribing you benzodiazepine. It’s just an anti-anxiety and ten milligrams is a low dose, if you react well to it then we will see what happens. Until then, you are in the care of the state and our responsibility for the indefinite future.” He rattled on in a low bored monotone, as if he had already uttered those same words a thousand times that same day. “I suggest you start taking them immediately. I will check on your progress next week. NURSE.”
Sanders clicked open the door and looked in.
“That will be all. Same as prescribed, thank you.”
His stony eyes followed me as I pushed out my chair and left the room. Sanders nodded respectfully and softly shut the door.
Chapter 10
“You happy now?” Sanders chided as we headed back along the hall, Kev leading five yards in front.
I peered into the glass panels on the doors to our right, but all the rooms seemed empty. “That guy’s an arrogant bastard.” I said. “I’m still not taking them. You can’t force me to.”
“But we’re just trying to help.” She sighed, exasperated, but her annoyance wasn’t as intense as it was before. “Can you not just go along with it for now,” she said in a softer tone, “and if you don’t react to it well, or they just aren’t right for you, then we can see about something else?”
Kev kept ahead of us, but the way his neck was set I could tell he was listening to every word.
“But I don’t need anything just now.” I replied, as calmly as I could. “What side-effects do they have? Can you not see my point?”
“They don’t have any side effects!” her voice filled the corridor. “Look, they’ve been trialed and used all throughout the world for the last fifteen years. I think us experts, and especially someone of Doctor Dickson’s esteem, know what we are doing. They are just a very mild mood stabilizer, and the dose you’re on, it really won’t do any harm. You just need to trust us, calm yourself down and stop worrying. You’re going to make life hell for yourself here…..Have you always been this anxious?”
Kev turned down the stairs. We followed.
“I’m sorry.” I said firmly. “I can’t. At least give me a few weeks and I’ll see if I change my mind.”
But she never responded. Her face remained motionless, and unreadable, as she stared at the ground. We reached the first floor and Kev again took his place at the top of the stairway while Sanders clicked open the lock.
“Breakfast is finished.” she stated bluntly. “You get two hours of leisure time till group session.”
There was silence in my room. I’d just had a shower- with Liz standing guard right outside the cubicle- and I felt cleaner, but in almost all other ways I could feel myself coming apart. I pushed my face deeper into the pillow and tried to unburden myself of the darkness seeping into me. But it was impossible. Peace was impossible.
An image of Robert’s slavering mouth shot into my head, followed by the deadened looks from the men at the table, then the crowd in front of the TV. Kev’s leering eyes staring me up and down, Doctor Dickson speaking to me like shit. Sanders anger at me refusing the medication. The stocky man at the end of the hall, “Larry, back to your room.”
I had screamed for help and no-one had come.
What kind of place am I in?
They all turned a blind eye and did nothing.
But there was a more immediate concern. I sat bolt upright and shot my eyes to the door. “Same as prescribed,” he’d said. So the nurses will come back for me? But they can’t force me to take it, surely? Oh God, what have I got into?
I propped up my pillow and clasped my hands behind my head, staring up at the bare white ceiling and at the four white walls, trying to think. Without warning my heart began to beat fast in my chest. I started to struggle for breath. I tried inhaling deeply, but it only seemed to make it worse. The walls were drawing inwards and closing in on me, all of a sudden they didn’t even seem real, they were four-dimensional. It didn’t seem that anything was real. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block everything out but the pain in my chest wouldn’t go away. I gasped for breath. I leapt off the bed and paced the floor. I was panicking, but I had nowhere to go. I didn’t know what to do. I ran to the window, drew back my hand and punched the glass as hard as I could, but my fist just bounced back off it. It was solid. Impenetrable, and beyond its panels, rooted in the square structure of the stone, the black iron bars looked even tougher.
I stood at the window. “Compose yourself. Think. Think and breathe,” I told myself. I gazed beyond the bars at the fog outside and forced myself to concentrate on it. In the late morning light, I could make out the surroundings better than I could earlier. Two floors below my window I saw the derelict road that separated my building from the one across, and ran the length of ward four- a single track road with the white lines faded, and s
prouting weeds from the cracks in the asphalt- I stared intently and did all I could to distract myself.
I lifted my eyes up to the building across from me. Just like the outbuildings I had seen with Mrs. Mack, it didn’t look to be in use anymore – the windows were smashed and boarded up, the flash metal paneling had taken on a sickly brown tinge, and layers of moss had set in all over the roof.
How many buildings like that are sitting empty on these grounds?
What about Mrs. Mack? How is she? Forget about her, I told myself.
I remained at the window and kept trying to take deep, relaxed breaths. I focused as hard as I could on the earth-cloud of fog as it swirled around the cracked and flaking walls of that building. I watched its long grey fingers floating lazily through the air. And then I let my eyes rest on the lush green weeds that were growing from the brickwork. A sense of calm came over me, and I kept trying to control my breathing. To slow it down as much as possible.
Death comes to us all. And nature will outlast us.
I imagined the roots of those weeds setting in and slowly tearing apart years of man-made work. I couldn’t wait for it all to be done with, for every single building to be just like that one- Dead and quiet and long gone, and left still, while our ghosts or nature or whatever swarmed around it like that fog was doing.
Suddenly there was a rattle on the bedroom door. It jerked me back to reality and sent a thousand shock waves through my body.
“Aisha, it’s Hazel again. We have your medication here. Are you ready to take it?”
I spun around and looked desperately for something to use. But I had no furniture. My bag lay unpacked on the floor. I stayed silent. The world seemed to move in slow motion as I watched the door handle turn, then click open, and she stepped into the room.
Her brown eyes were guarded and cunning at the same time. Her tall, leggy figure stood there in the doorway. She held two pills out in her hand.
“Are you going to take this, or do we have to use force?”
