by Hannah West
Sara smiled. “Dinner?”
“Starving.” Noelle grinned back.
They put the food on plates and settled down on Noelle’s dilapidated couch, a movie they had both seen playing in the background. Noelle ate quickly, hungry after a long day. Court followed by a Loss Meeting left little time for food.
“You’re thinking,” Sara said quietly between bites.
Noelle stilled. “Sorry.” She glanced at Sara, apologetic.
“Anything you want to talk about?” Sara took the last bite of her food and sat the plate down on the worn coffee table. “Communication is important.”
Noelle felt a flash of anger. Communication should be easy, instantaneous. She shouldn’t feel like she was being an annoyance or rude every time she wanted to express something. The books made it sound so much easier than it was. “No.”
Sara glanced down at Noelle’s lap. Noelle followed the gaze, only to see some takeout on her pants. “Alright.”
Noelle sat down her takeout with more force than she intended. “Everything is not alright.”
Sara looked at her, her face neutral.
“Does any of this matter to you?” Noelle stood, emphatically pointing at Sara. “You sit there and say things like ‘Communication is important’ and -” she cut herself off. “It should be easier than this.” She sounded ridiculous, and she knew it, but she couldn’t stop. “My whole job knows that my soulmate is dead and if I ever brought you around I would have to explain everything. We would get stared at. What if –”
Sara hadn’t moved. “No relationship is easy.”
Noelle snorted. “If we were soulmates it would be. We wouldn’t argue, or anything.”
Sara’s fingers twitched. Noelle ignored it. “Soulmates don’t make everything perfect.”
“Yes they do.” Noelle paced a few steps away, then came back. “I got mocked at work today, because I lost Lydia. Because I’m alone. It was used to ridicule me in court. A murderer could go free, because a scummy defense lawyer argued I was distracted by her death. What would he think if he found out I was dating you? How is that fair?” Her voice escalated as she spoke.
“It’s not fair,” Sara said, her voice unaffected, neutral. “It’s stupid that our world treats people like that.”
“How would you know?” Noelle asked. “You had your soulmate. You loved them. I never had that chance.” She felt restless, angry. Bitter and hateful, although at herself or Sara, she couldn’t tell. Maybe at the world. “You’ll never love me like you loved them.”
Sara stilled. “Do you really think that?”
Noelle stopped. “Yes.” No. Did she?
Sara stood, not looking at Noelle. “Call me when you’re ready to be sensible about this.” Mutely, she put her shoes on, grabbed her purse, and went to the door. “Keep the leftovers.” Sara left, closing the door behind her.
Noelle stood, frozen. Torn between running after Sara or staying where she was. She was sorry, she wasn’t. So many contradictory feelings. Instead she picked up the dishes, took them to the sink, washed and rinsed them, then tucked them into the dishwasher. She stared at the takeout for a few moments. There was another meal’s worth, two if she added rice. Feeling petty, she dumped it into the trash. She didn’t want the reminder.
Feeling that her evening had been sufficiently ruined, she changed into her pyjamas and laid on her bed, trying to sleep. Guilt swamped her. It was her fault. She had ruined what they had. She had lashed out instead of doing the adult thing and simply talking. It had tripped her up at work, her inability to communicate during emotional situations. Now it had ruined the good thing she had in her life.
Letting herself wallow in her pity party, she eventually drifted off to sleep.
“The jury’s deliberating?” Riley asked, leaning over her cubicle wall and peering at her.
“Yes.” Noelle didn’t look at him, instead focused on the case file ahead of her. It had been three days since her fight with Sara and to cope, she had thrown herself into work instead. “They’ll call me when they’re ready to announce the verdict.”
“It will be okay,” Riley said, his voice kind.
“You saw how it went,” Noelle said, closing the file with more force than she intended. “The Superintendent already lectured me about it. I don’t need a pity party from you.” Immediately regretting her words, she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Sorry.”
Riley raised his eyebrows and lowered his voice. “Bad week?”
“I fought with Sara.” Noelle didn’t look at him, didn’t lift her gaze off of the wall. She shrugged. “Boring stuff like that.” For all that she was twenty seven, Riley still made her feel like a child.
“Fights are tough.” Riley gripped her shoulder, reassuring. “You two will make it through it.”
Noelle sighed. “We’re not like you and Elsy.”
Riley leaned against the cubicle, silent for a few moments as people passed by. “Yes, you are.”
Noelle showed him her wrist, touched the mark with a finger. “We’re not.”
“You’re two people, aren’t you?” Riley raised his eyebrows. “Who care for each other.”
Noelle traced the outline of the mark on her wrist. “I thought so.”
“Elsy and I fight, you know.” He smiled faintly. “Call and apologize. Talk it out. It’ll be okay.”
“What if –” Noelle’s voice shook and she hated it. “What if it gets out in court? What if I try and bring her somewhere and things screw up?”
Riley exhaled through his nose. “That lawyer is full of shit and you know it,” he said tartly. “Don’t let him influence you. Most people aren’t like him. People would accept you.”
Noelle nodded, not saying anything. She would think about it. Maybe call Sara later. Her hand inched towards her phone. They would text her when the jury finished deliberating. That was the most terrifying bit of the entire thing. If he was declared not guilty, due to her, her career was potentially ruined.
She groaned, her head falling into her hands. How had she ruined everything so thoroughly? Sara, her career - the two things that actually mattered to her. Well, and her family, but that wasn’t exactly the point. Noelle straightened up, sighing. She was ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.
She glanced at her phone. Sara. She needed to call Sara. Standing, she pocketed her phone and walked out of the department. She didn’t want company around for the call, didn’t want to risk people overhearing. That, and it was noisy. The last thing she wanted was to finally make an apology and then for it to not come across correctly.
Settling outside of the department in the small alley behind it, she pulled out her phone and dialed Sara’s number. It rang, and rang, and rang. Then voicemail. Losing her nerve, Noelle hung up without leaving a message. She leaned her head back against the wall behind her, staring out at the shrubs that decorated the walkway. It wasn’t really that bad, apologizing. She could do it.
Dialing the number again, Noelle took a deep breath as she listened to the voicemail recording. “Hello, this is Sara McClaire. Leave your name and number after the beep.”
“Hi Sara, this is Noelle. I was just calling to apologize for earlier. I’m sorry I lost my temper. I want to see you, and talk to you, if - if you want to, I guess. Please call me back.” Debating briefly, Noelle hung up the phone. She didn’t think of anything else she could have said that would have helped her case. She could have given excuses, could have fumbled her way through reasons, but to her they sounded silly and superficial. Everyone had a bad week at work. That didn’t give her the right to snap at Sara.
Keeping her phone in her pocket, she went back to work. Now she was waiting for two things - a call back from Sara, and the jury decision. She rubbed her forehead. Hopefully she would hear something from at least one of them before too long.
Can you come meet me at the hospital? ER, room 12. -Sara
Noelle stared at the text, concerned. That wasn’t the reaction from Sara she had ex
pected. It also came from a number that wasn’t hers. The detective in Noelle thought a trap. But she shook herself out of it.
Yeah, be there in five.
She packed away her case files, locked up what she needed to, and left the department. She hadn’t heard from the court - it likely meant the jury deliberations were going to continue tomorrow. Pushing it out of her mind, she got into her car and drove to the hospital at a slightly faster pace than she would have legally admitted.
Going into the ER, she smiled politely at the receptionist. “I’m looking for Sara McClaire, in room twelve?”
“What’s your name?” A nurse, passing by, came into Noelle’s view.
“Noelle Richards.”
“I’ll take you to her.” The nurse beckoned for her to follow. Noelle followed, weaving her way through various patients and personnel. Eventually they arrived near the back. The nurse pointed Noelle into one of the smaller rooms. Sara was inside on the gurney, talking quietly to the man sitting on the stool next to her.
“Sara?” Noelle asked, hovering in the doorway.
Sara turned to look at her, her tired face breaking out into a slight smile. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I don’t have anyone else that could drive me home - my car’s totaled.”
“Not that it would matter, since you can’t drive on narcotics.” The doctor eyed her. Sara mimed rolling her eyes. It seemed to hurt too much to do it actually.
“I see she’s been a model patient,” Noelle said, stepping closer. “What happened?”
Sara scowled, then eased her face back to neutral. It looked like it hurt. “Some asshole t-boned me, flipped my car. Paramedics got me out. I’m okay.”
“If you don’t count the broken ribs, or the bruised tailbone, or the possible concussion. She’s perfectly fine.” The doctor raised his eyebrows.
“Doctor Casterio, here, doesn’t agree with my assessment.” Sara flipped him the middle finger.
“That’s because your assessment is wrong.” He shook his head, chuckling. Scribbling some prescriptions on his pad, he handed them to Noelle. “Get these filled for her, make sure she takes them. She said you’ll be looking after her?”
Sara didn’t look at Noelle. Noelle glanced at Sara. The room suddenly felt awkward. “Yes,” Noelle said. “I will.”
“Good.” The doctor smiled. “Well, she’s free to go.”
“Thanks.” Noelle smiled. Sara didn’t speak.
“I’ll send the nurse in with the wheelchair in a few moments.” The doctor nodded to both of them before leaving.
“He seemed nice,” Noelle said, her voice relatively light.
“Jerk,” Sara muttered, petulant.
“Just because he won’t lie to you doesn’t make him a jerk.” Noelle couldn’t help a smile.
Sara raised her eyes to meet Noelle’s gaze. She looked tired, beaten. There were bruises purpling on her face and arms. She didn’t seem dazed.
Noelle glanced around. “Do you have a phone or anything?”
Sara shook her head stiffly. “It was damaged in the crash. I borrowed one of the nurse’s phones to text you.”
That would explain why Sara had texted her from a different number. Noelle hesitated. “Did you get my voicemail?”
Sara narrowed her eyes slightly. “No.”
“Look.” Noelle sat next to Sara on the gurney, careful to not take too much space. “I’m sorry. I acted like a dickhead, and I’m sorry.”
Sara looked ahead, not tracking Noelle’s movement.
Noelle wasn’t certain what to think of it. Regardless, she plunged ahead. “I like you. I really do. I might even - well.” She fidgeted with her hands, unconsciously rubbing the mark on her wrist. “Love is a strong word, but. I might love you. I think.” Inhale, exhale. Focus. “I said some things I - shouldn’t have. I was hurtful. I - life doesn’t go the way we expect it to, does it?” She let out a shaky chuckle. “I want to be with you. If you’ll have me.”
Sara reached out, slowly put a hand on Noelle’s leg. “I’m not ready to forgive you,” she said slowly. Noelle’s heart plummeted. She had truly ruined it all. “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t work through it.”
Noelle looked at her, words catching in her throat. Sara was willing to - well, not willing to forgive. But she wasn’t going to dump Noelle on her bum, either.
Sara smiled slightly. “I’m not ignoring you, I just can’t turn my neck.”
“Oops.” Noelle blushed. “Let’s get you home.”
After a trip to the pharmacy, Noelle drove them to Sara’s place. She helped Sara up the steps, bit by bit, letting her stop and rest when she needed to. “You need to take your pain meds,” Noelle said, as soon as they got in the door.
“Don’t want to.” Sara hobbled her way to the kitchen, going for a water bottle.
“They’ll make you feel better.”
“They make you feel weird.” Sara wrinkled her nose, setting the water bottle down. “Can you open that for me?”
Noelle walked into the kitchen, picking up the water bottle and opening it before she handed it to Sara. “Of course.” She picked up the packet of meds and dosed them out as the pharmacist had told her to. “You need to take these.”
“I don’t want to,” Sara insisted, heading to the table and easing her way into a chair.
“You’ll be more comfortable in the living room.” Noelle followed, the pills in her hand. “Please? Just this once?”
Sara narrowed her eyes at Noelle before slowly extending her hand. “Fine.”
“The ER doctor was right. Doctors are the worst patients.” Noelle winked at Sara as she deposited the pills into Sara’s hand, carefully watching her as Sara put them in her mouth and swallowed.
“And police officers are dreadful nurses.” Sara stuck her tongue out at Noelle and then eased up out of the chair. “That hurts.”
“Told you.” Noelle followed her to the living room, hovering in case Sara needed help. She didn’t want to be overbearing, but the last thing she wanted to happen was for Sara to aggravate her injuries.
“I’ve had broken ribs before,” Sara said, sitting down slowly. “They suck. But I don’t need a mother goose.”
Noelle narrowed her eyes. “With the willingness to take your pain meds, I can’t see why you wouldn’t need one.”
Sara tried to follow the sentence and gave up. “Speak easy English. I hurt.”
“I’m around to take care of you as long as you need me. Which would be at least tonight, since the doctor said you might have a concussion.”
Sara flapped a hand, not lifting it far off her leg. “He was wrong.”
“Have you considered that, in your impaired state, you might be the wrong one?” Noelle raised her eyebrows.
“Pfft.” Sara rolled her eyes, as if to demonstrate exactly how wrong that assumption was. Noelle smiled despite herself.
“Do you have to work any time soon?” she asked.
Sara snorted, then winced at the pain. “It’s already all over the unit that I was hit. My boss heard I was down in the ER and came to check on me. They’re going to cover my shifts for the next week, maybe two, depending on the ribs.” Cautiously she lifted an arm to touch her ribs, wincing at the movement. “I think they might just be fractured, but doctors like to say broken because it’s an easier judgement call. We’ll see.”
“I’ll trust your judgement - and the doctor’s.” Noelle gently eased Sara’s hand down. “If it hurts, don’t do it.”
“That’s a rubbish life lesson.”
“No it isn’t.”
“You just like to argue, don’t you?”
“Maybe.” Sara smiled.
Noelle sat next to Sara, watching her quietly. Sara was looking at the other side of the room, microexpressions flashing across her face every so often, so fast that Noelle couldn’t identify what they were.
“Thinking about anything?” Noelle asked.
Sara shrugged the tiniest shrug. “The driver was dru
nk, the one who hit my car. They drove away before the police found me.” Her lips tightened. “I could have died, and that person didn’t even care to check and see if I was okay.”
Noelle cautiously lifted an arm to wrap around Sara’s shoulders, hold her closer, but she paused. Was that going to hurt her more?
“It’s okay,” Sara said, her voice quiet. “I’ll tell you if it hurts.”
Carefully Noelle draped her arm around Sara’s shoulders. “I’m sorry.” She carefully kissed her cheek. “There are people who care, though. We can focus on them.”
For a moment Sara looked amused, and then the expression was gone. Noelle decided to ignore that for now, attributed it to something out of the trauma that Sara had experienced. “We can’t.” She smiled again, but it was the soft, tired smile that Noelle had seen throughout most of the evening. “Thank you.”
Noelle sat quietly, basking in the quiet. Maybe they would manage to salvage things after all. “Let’s get you to bed, all right?”
Sara sighed, as if she was the most put upon human in history. “If we must.”
Gently Noelle helped Sara up, an arm over her shoulder for support. Sara winced once they stood up. “You okay?”
“Fine,” Sara said, her voice pained. “Keep going.”
They walked to the bedroom, Noelle pushing the door open with her free hand and helping Sara inside. She frowned at the dresser. “Pajamas.”
“Fuck.” Sara frowned, glancing down at the scrubs she was wearing. “I have some shirts that button. Those’ll be easier. Pants - pants I might need your help with.”
Noelle went to the dresser, pulling several drawers out before she located the pajamas. She found the ones Sara had described and went back over to the bed. “First we have to get them off.”
Sara tilted her head slightly, looking at Noelle with curious eyes. “Nervous?”
