by Tara Lain
“Sure.” He glanced over. “Want to join us for dinner?”
Kai’s lips ticked up. “Yeah, okay.”
Rand smiled and kept driving.
“You’re sure he’ll come home first?”
Lani patted Rand’s shoulder as she walked to the refrigerator. “Yes, trust me. He won’t go to dinner with you—I mean all of us—smelling like horses and tourists.” She giggled and placed a plate of butter on the carefully set table. “I’m going to go get some more greenery.” She headed toward the door of their little house.
He glanced down at his jeans and Hawaiian shirt—kind of a new combo for him. “Do I, uh, look okay?”
Aliki looked up from the omnipresent game player. “Yo, brah, you look badass.”
Lani gave her brother a wicked frown. “Watch your mouth, kaikunane.” She flashed a mischievous smile at Rand. “But you do look rather badass.” Laughing, she slipped out the door.
“Man, that smells good, brah. Can’t wait to eat. Can I help?”
He glanced in the old oven. “Not much to do. The Hana Maui did the cooking. We just need to keep it warm without drying anything out.”
Lani walked back in with a handful of leafy stalks. “Your car’s hidden. He’ll never notice it.” She tucked the leaves in the one nice vase they had in the house along with the bouquet of roses he’d bought at the local florist.
“Your arrangement looks nice, Lani.”
“You picked them.” She stroked the lavender roses. “No one ever brought us flowers before.”
That was pretty sad. “You’re so smart and beautiful, you’re going to get tons of flowers in the future.”
“Thank you, Uncle Rand.” But that sweet, somber face said she didn’t believe it.
He sighed quietly. Wish I lived closer—for a lot of reasons.
The crunch of tires outside prompted a grin from Lani. Aliki finally put his games aside and bounced on the couch in excitement. Obviously, surprising their brother was a huge deal. Rand slid his hands down his denim-covered thighs. Guess I’m a little excited too.
They ended up huddled beside the door so Kai would see the table first when he walked in. Bootsteps clomped on the stairs to the porch. The door opened, and Aliki clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing. Then Kai stepped inside, stopped, stared, and they all yelled, “Surprise!”
At first he frowned, but the sun shone through and spread all over his face. “Okay, you got me. I thought I must be in the wrong house there for a minute.”
Aliki laughed and gave Kai a hug in sheer enthusiasm.
“This is really nice.” His eyes crept to Rand. “Thank you.” He reached out and hugged Lani. “Thank you, kaikuahine.”
“Uncle Rand did pretty much everything. All the food came from Hana Maui and the flowers from the florist. What a beautiful place.”
Aliki plopped back on the couch. “And we spent hours at the beach. It was rad.”
Kai finally met Rand’s gaze. “Thank you, Uncle Rand.” His smile played somewhere between grateful and pissed off. Oh well, not long until I butt out, the stab in his chest reminded him.
Lani shooed Kai. “Go get cleaned up, and we’ll plunge into our wonderful dinner.”
Rand tried to control his eyes, but he couldn’t help a longing glance at the tight butt and strong legs in the worn jeans as Kai walked toward his bedroom. It’ll be good to get home. Just keep saying that.
Hana Maui’s kitchen had outdone themselves on the salmon, mashed potatoes, creamed spinach, and especially on the crème brûlée for dessert.
Aliki licked his spoon. “Man, what’s this stuff called again?”
“Crème brûlée. Good, huh?”
“Better than ice cream.”
“You’re developing expensive tastes.”
Aliki and Lani laughed. Kai didn’t. In fact, most of the conversation seemed to be between Rand and the kids. He sighed quietly.
“Do I get to stay up until midnight?” Aliki peered over the top of his laden spoon at Kai.
“Sure. You always do. You know that.”
“Oh, cool. I just thought you two might want to—”
Kai’s glanced speared Aliki so fast, he pinned him to the spot like a butterfly collector. “Want to what?”
Aliki frowned. “Hang out, brah. We got to spend the day with Uncle Rand. You ought to have some fun too.”
Kai didn’t even smile. “We’re having fun, aren’t we?”
“Sure. I just thought—”
“Go play your games while we clean up.” He pushed back his chair.
Aliki’s eyes widened and shone with moisture. Well, hell.
Rand slid out of his chair. “Come on. Teach me to play so I can claim to be cool.”
Aliki stared at his feet. “I should help.”
“Nope. Kai and Lani get to clean up. We get to play games.”
Nobody could squelch the kid’s love of games, so he smiled and hurled himself on the couch with his game player. Rand sat beside him and gave a fantasy game full of vampires and demons a good try before handing the player back to Aliki, who was practically out of his skin with impatience over Rand’s inability to wipe out the bad guys. Rand shrugged. “You probably should have given me some black-hatted cowboys to shoot. I might have done better. We don’t get a lot of vampires on the ranch.”
Aliki giggled. “See, here’s the secret.” He proceeded to demonstrate, which didn’t help Rand’s proficiency one bit, and pretty soon Aliki was engrossed again.
Rand went to the small kitchen, grabbed the dishtowel from Lani, and started drying. “You’re relieved.”
“No. You did plenty today. It’s the last day of your vacation.”
Kai dropped a glass noisily in the sink.
Rand shook his head. “You did way more than me. Go watch the ball come down in California.” He grinned at her.
Alone at last. Ha!
Kai kept washing and Rand drying. No words. Discomfort reigned. Fuck this! He kept his voice low since the kitchen was only partially separated from the tiny living room. “So what have I done to offend you this time?”
Kai glanced up, the dark eyes sparking. “Why does it have to be about you?”
“It doesn’t, but it is.”
“My kids don’t need rescuing, and except for an occasional fall off a fucking building, neither do I.”
“I’m not trying to rescue anybody.”
He snorted. “You can’t help yourself, big cowboy hero.”
Rand stilled. “I don’t mean to seem like that. I just wanted to help.”
“Right, so they can get used to you, and then you leave me to have to try to keep it up. I don’t need that kind of handout.”
Rand swallowed. “I never—”
“Just leave us alone!”
Fuck! He threw the dishtowel on the counter and spun on his heel. I don’t need this shit. I’m going home. He stalked into the living area and knelt beside the chair where Lani sat, but her red-rimmed eyes suggested she’d heard. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I need to go and pack. My flight is early tomorrow. You guys see in the New Year, and I hope it’s full of wonderful blessings.”
She whispered, “He doesn’t mean it, Uncle Rand. He’s just so used to being our only hope.”
“I know.” Rand hugged her. But that still didn’t make his heart any less stomped.
Aliki looked up from his game. “Wait. You’re not—no.” He leaped off the couch, ran to Rand, and threw his arms around his neck, knocking them both into a heap on the floor. “You said you’d be here for New Year’s. You said.”
Rand petted Aliki’s silky black hair. “It’s already New Year’s where I come from.” Tears ran down Aliki’s face, and his shoulders shook. Rand hugged him harder, blinking fast. “I sure loved getting to know you. Maybe you’ll come to my ranch sometime, and we’ll learn to ride more, okay?”
Aliki pulled back and nodded but wouldn’t meet Rand’s eyes. He knew that was never gonna happen. Rand
stood, but Aliki didn’t move. With a kiss on Lani’s cheek, he turned and walked to the door. As he stepped outside, Aliki screamed, “Kai, it’s all your fault. You made him go. I hate you!”
Well, that’s just fucking great. He closed the door and tried so hard not to hope for the footsteps behind him—that never came.
Chapter Eighteen
They’ll get over it. They’ll forget him. They’ll get over it.
Kai lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Now that he’s gone, life will return to normal.
Normal. No riding lessons—in or out of the bedroom. No beautiful ass to fuck in the rain forest. No dancing like he’d been born with music in his feet—or laughing eyes or superhero heart or loving, caring soul.
He swiped at the goddamned fucking water on his cheeks.
No one would ever take care of him again.
Rand stared out the window at the clouds and tried to will some blood back into his hands gripping the armrests. Where was Mrs. Orwell when he really needed her? Okay, the plane hadn’t bucked or even wiggled in over an hour, but solid ground never seemed so far away. Half of him wanted desperately to be home—the other half prayed for hijackers taking the plane back to Maui. Things left undone. Things left undone. It pounded in his chest like an extra heartbeat.
What if I got off the plane and turned around and went back? Made Kai talk to me? Left things better with the kids so they don’t remember me walking out on them?
The plane jolted, and he gasped. Like nothing had happened, smooth flying was restored. Hate this fucking mode of transportation. Bronc riding’s more predictable. Gradually his breathing evened too.
Why go back? What’s the endgame here? Kai doesn’t want me.
Wait. Do I want him? What does that look like? Or do I just love the kids?
He sighed and closed his eyes. Shit, what difference does it make? Can’t make him care about me. Can’t move my ranch to Hawaii. Slowly, he sucked stale air into his lungs. What had Mrs. O. said? The air was more likely to kill him than the flight. He cocked a half smile and focused on his hands. Relax. Relax. Almost home.
Wonder what could have happened if I didn’t live so far and had to leave?
The steady hum of the plane lulled him, and his head fell sideways.
“Ladies and gentlemen, in preparation for landing, we’ll be passing through the aisles to pick up any cups, glasses, or trash you may want to discard.”
Oh, good. He glanced at his watch, then grabbed the empty water bottle he’d stuck in the seat back. Once he landed, he’d drive about an hour and a half to get home, but all that was on solid ground, baby. Things left undone. Undone. Undone.
Damn, why did I leave if I felt like this?
Pride. He’d been rejected, and it hurt like shit.
The flight attendant smiled and held out a plastic bag for his trash.
The plane made a whirring sound and he froze.
She gave him a small smile. “Just preparation of the landing gear,” she whispered, “Don’t worry.”
He nodded, adding his best alpha male rakish grin, and dumped the bottle in the bag.
Whirrrr. Whirrrr.
This time her face froze—then flashed into a brilliant smile. “Thanks much.” She turned like her wings were on fire and headed toward the cockpit, dragging his stomach with her. Holy shit!
Whirrr. Whirr.
Rand looked out the window and saw ground fairly clearly. Probably nothing. Nothing.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain.”
Double shit!
“We’re experiencing some difficulty with our rear landing gear. We’re going to circle and perform a few procedures to get it back into position.” Click.
Well, shit, not one word about “nothing to worry about.”
It’s not the dying. It’s the falling.
The plane angled up, and the ground got farther away. The right wing dipped. Then the left.
Rand closed his eyes and breathed deeply, fighting nausea.
Not the dying. The falling. The falling.
From that cliff. Looking down into the sea and the rocks, as Edward, the boy who’d asked Rand to suck his cock, pushed him a little farther with each stab of the kitchen knife. Behind Edward, four other boys laughed and jeered.
“Fag.”
“Queer.”
“Fairy.”
Edward snarled, “I’ll teach you to try and convert me to fagdom, you fucking fag.” The knife dug into Rand’s back, and he felt the drizzle of blood, hot and sticky down his spine, matching the hot tears flowing on his cheeks.
“Dying easy is too good for you.” The pressure of the knife reduced. “We should gangbang him, guys. Just to show him what we think of fags.”
Jesus. I won’t pee my pants. No.
The murmurs from the other boys didn’t sound too enthusiastic.
Edward’s hand closed on his arm and dragged him back a step. Rand swung his fist in a roundhouse and managed to connect with Edward’s ear.
“Ow. You little bastard.” The knife hit his leg and stabbed but barely made it through the denim, then pressed again into his back. “Just die.”
Rand’s foot slid over the edge, and he rocked between standing and flying.
It’s not the dying. It’s the falling.
“Jesus Christ!” The shriek ran up his spine like electric current. “Have you lost your mind? What are you boys doing? Get away from him.”
The knife disappeared so fast, he teetered on the edge of oblivion. Tipping, wavering.
Fuck. What’s the use of living?
Even the hand grasping his arm and pulling him back didn’t shake that conviction.
Whir. Whirrrrrrr. Rock to the left. To the right.
His heart pounded, sweat leaked down his back, all around him people whimpered, and some cried. Wonder how soon I’ll pass out. Or do I have to remember the whole fall? Does it really matter when you’re dead?
The woman sitting next to him was texting like mad. Huh. Maybe phones really work on planes. He yanked his from his pocket and took it off airplane mode. Worth a try. He brought up his mom’s address.
Plane having landing gear problems. Seems serious. I love you and dad a lot. You’ve been good parents, and I’m glad I got to grow up with you. Rand.
He pushed Send, then rested the phone on his leg. What the fuck.
Kai, my plane’s landing gear is fucked up and it seems serious. Probably okay—maybe. Just want you to know—
Fuck. Know what? He deleted it and slid the phone back in his pocket. Kai either wouldn’t care or feel crappy if he died. This way he’d probably never know one way or the other.
Whirrrrrrrrrr. Whirrrrr. Wonk!
He jumped a foot, but so did everyone else, so he didn’t feel so dumb.
Wonk. Wonk. Like a scraping, thunking sound.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain again. Our landing gear is down and in position.”
People started to yell and applaud.
“However—” That quieted them all real fast. “—we can’t be sure that the gear is locked. Therefore, the flight attendants will instruct you in emergency landing procedures. We’ll circle a little longer while they clear our runway and get emergency equipment in place. Please give the flight attendants your undivided attention.”
The woman next to him said, “You think?”
He almost laughed. Almost.
The attendants looked scared shitless, but they instructed the passengers in the brace position, arms on the back of the seat in front of them, head between the hands.
One older man said loudly, “I thought I was going to grab my ankles and kiss my ass good-bye.” Everyone got a short and much-needed laugh but stopped instantly when the captain’s voice announced, “Assume brace position.”
He could barely hear the whirring sound of the flaps over his blood rushing in his ears. Some people prayed loudly, which managed to be a little comforting and a lot terrifying.
&
nbsp; Whirrr. Closer and closer. It was like the plane felt heavier as gravity did its work. Rand glanced to the side and saw the ground racing beside the plane. Holy crap. Lani’s face flashed in his mind with her sweet, ancient smile. Then Aliki’s laughing eyes. But as the landing gear hit the runway like a giant rock, Rand only felt the deep, oppressive loneliness of his paniolo.
Before his brain recognized where they were, the cheering began. Passengers stomped and applauded and whistled.
The intercom clicked on, and a laughing voice said, “Thanks, folks. We’re all glad to be on solid ground.”
Gradually Rand’s brain fog cleared just a little as people stood and claimed their carry-ons. He breathed deeply—once, twice—then stood as far as he could and not hit the overhead compartment. The unmoving solidity seeped into his legs like a happiness drug. His phone began to ring, and he looked down at his mother’s name on the screen. His mother. Not Kai. Never will be Kai.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Oh my God, Rand. Are you okay? Sweet Jesus, tell me you’re on the ground.”
“I am, and all in one piece. We’re just getting off the plane.”
“What happened?”
“I’ll call you later, okay? Things are kind of confusing.”
“But you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” If you didn’t count his hands shaking so badly he could barely hold the phone and the certainty he’d throw up as soon as he got into the terminal.
“I love you. Your dad too.”
“I love you both. Call you later.”
“Rand?”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for saying you’re glad you grew up with us.”
“Oh, Mom. It’s true.” All the years of lies pushed at his lips—but couldn’t quite make it past. “I’ll call you later.” He clicked off and dragged his carry-on from the overhead. Time to return to real life.
The moment he stepped over the threshold of the plane onto the boarding ramp, his knees turned to water, and he could barely stand. Staggering a little, he stopped and pulled his windbreaker from his carry-on so he could stop and take a breath. Finally he made it into the terminal, where flight attendants and security officers held back the press while the passengers either clustered at the desk about connecting flights—as if!—or escaped. Rand qualified as an escapee and hurried to the baggage claim, grabbed his duffel, and finally, after twenty minutes of self-control, sat in his truck in the long-term parking lot. Okay, fall apart now if you have to.
