by Marci Bolden
“Better. She looked like she actually got some rest this weekend.”
“Did he send her flowers today?” He heard the clip in his tone, but he needed to know. If Mitch couldn’t be bothered to send her flowers for Valentine’s Day, then maybe Paul could justify going against his better instinct and calling her.
“He did, and I heard her saying she had dinner plans, so I expect he’s taking her out somewhere.”
Paul nodded. “He damn well better.”
“Come on. Take me to dinner so I can pretend people like me.”
Paul chuckled as he got up. “Plenty of people like you. You just don’t like them.”
She grabbed his arm as he started past her. “She’s going to be okay. What about you?”
He nodded. “I’m okay. Or at least I will be.”
Dianna looked at her reflection in the mirror and debated if she should change. She didn’t want to give Mitch the wrong idea. The dress she’d bought—tight-fitted, red, knee-length, and ruched in all the right places to hide her self-perceived flaws—had been for Paul’s benefit. She’d found it in a consignment shop while looking for new work clothes and had fallen in love with it. It would have been perfect for their first Valentine’s Day, and she’d so been looking forward to him seeing her in it. He’d complimented her profusely on her dress New Year’s Eve, and she’d noticed how he liked looking at her legs, so she’d happily gotten something with a higher-than-normal hemline.
She’d bought this dress with Paul in mind. Wearing it for Mitch felt wrong.
She glanced at the clock next to her bed and sighed. Mitch would be there soon. She didn’t really have time to change. Even so, she gripped the hidden zipper and slid it down her back. She returned the dress to the closet and pulled out beige slacks, pairing them with a dark pink blouse. She looked nice, but not…whatever it was she had been going for when buying that dress. Slipping on a pair of flats, she put back on the jewelry she’d worn to work: a silver bracelet—a gift from Mitch that she’d worn for the first time since he’d left her, a silver necklace, and a pair of hoop earrings. She touched up her makeup, brushed out her long hair, and frowned at herself in the mirror.
Maybe she was underdressed now. But it wasn’t a date. It was not a date, and she didn’t want him to get the impression that it was, so maybe slacks and a blouse were the perfect choices. She chewed her lip when the doorbell rang. That dreadful noise surrounded her, and she had to close her eyes.
With her eyes closed, she gave herself a moment to entertain the thought of Paul standing at the door. He’d be holding a bouquet of roses and smiling at her like there was no place else he’d rather be. He’d hug her, kiss her cheek, and tell her that she looked beautiful. Then they’d go to the sushi restaurant, and he’d laugh as he gently coaxed her into expanding her culinary tastes. She’d probably hate it, but she’d try it. For him.
She would have tried it for him.
“Stop it,” she whispered.
She turned the light off as she walked out of the room. She didn’t hurry as she walked down the stairs, still clearing her mind. Mitch smiled at her through the front door glass, and she smiled back as she let him in.
“I still need to replace that doorbell, don’t I?” he asked.
“I keep telling myself I’ll get around to that, but it seems the only time I think about it is when it’s ringing.”
“Well, I’ll put it on my to-do list for next weekend.”
She wanted to tell him not to do that. This was her house now, and fixing the doorbell was her responsibility, but he pushed a box of chocolate-covered hazelnuts toward her.
“I know you like these.”
“I do. Thank you.” She took the box and looked at it. “You didn’t have to do that. I mean, I didn’t—”
“I wanted to,” he said before she could finish. “I want you to know that I’m trying to be more aware of you, and… I’m just trying.”
“I know you are.” She set the candy down and reached for her coat.
He took it from her and opened it so she could slip her arms in. He pulled it up and then put his hands on her shoulders and pressed a kiss to the back of her head. He’d quit doing things like that years ago. He didn’t kiss her head like that anymore. Paul did.
Dianna swallowed the surge of emotion—was it guilt?—as she leaned from his kiss and reached for her purse. She turned and noticed the hurt on his face. “I didn’t mean to pull away like that.”
“It’s okay.” He opened the door and gave her plenty of space while she walked out. He waited by the stairs while she locked the door, and then he walked behind her to his truck and held the door open while she climbed in. “I made reservations at that Italian restaurant you like so much.”
Her heart seized for a moment as memories of dinners with Paul flooded her. It was their wine that Paul had gotten drunk on the night that his divorce had been finalized. She’d held him that night, after he’d gotten sick. When she woke in the morning, he was curled around her, surrounding her in his warmth.
Mitch cleared his throat, pulling her mind from Paul.
“Um, I want to thank you. I feel like tonight’s the first step to getting back what we had.”
She looked out the window. And there it was, exactly as she expected. Brushing their divorce under the rug. That’s how he dealt with things: ignore them, and they no longer exist.
“Do you miss her?” She hated the question the moment she said the words. She hadn’t thought about them, hadn’t even considered what his answer may be. Her question surprised her as much as it seemed to have surprised him.
He glanced at her. “No.”
She waited, expecting more, but that was the end of it. No. No, he didn’t miss the woman he’d left her for after twenty-plus years of marriage. No, he didn’t miss the woman he’d planned to marry.
Dianna didn’t believe him. He couldn’t have done those things without feeling something for Michelle. And he couldn’t just walk away from that without missing her. Maybe he just didn’t miss her as much as he’d missed his old life, but he still missed her. He had to. Otherwise, everything Dianna had been through, everything he’d put her through to be with Michelle, seemed so…pointless. And it couldn’t have been pointless.
“How did you meet her?”
“Di, can we not—not tonight. I’ll tell you whatever you need to know, but can tonight just be about us?”
She looked out the passenger window again, and he let out a long, slow breath.
“I was buying you a birthday present at that little boutique you like. She was there.”
She spun her head to him. “You met your mistress while you were buying me a gift?”
He didn’t respond.
“Did she know why you were there? That you were married?”
“Yes. She…she helped me pick it out.”
Dianna looked at the bracelet on her wrist. The last birthday present she’d gotten from her husband. “Well. I wore it for you tonight.” Her voice was flat, void of all emotion. No anger, no shock or upset. Just flat. She stared at the silver for a moment before unhooking it. She dropped it into the cup holder of his console, no longer feeling like she’d done something special for him.
She watched the scenery passing as this latest feeling of betrayal sank in. She should be over it by now. Shouldn’t she? Shouldn’t this pain be less sharp? Less emotionally debilitating? But it wasn’t. She was right back in that spot, right back to feeling the humiliation, the degradation of having been the last to know. She was such a fool. Such an idiot.
“I’m sorry, Dianna.”
“Can you take me home? This isn’t a good idea tonight.”
She anticipated that he would argue, make excuses as he’d always done, but he turned right at the next stop sign and drove around the block. Apparently he understood there was no point in debating with her.
He parked in her driveway. “Would you be willing to see a counselor?”
“I d
on’t know. Is there anything else I need to know? Any other secrets or lies or omissions that you need to share with me?”
“You know those business trips I had to take?” he asked after a few tense moments of silence.
She closed her eyes. She’d suspected he’d lied about those.
“I was with Michelle. But it wasn’t just… I mean, obviously I was with her. But…”
“For God’s sake, just spit it out.”
Mitch looked at her. “I took her to that resort on the lake that you wanted to go to. I wanted to do something special with her, and I remembered that you had gone on and on about how much you wanted to go there for our anniversary because it looked so romantic.”
Dianna’s breath caught. “So you took your mistress instead? After lecturing me about how expensive it was and how we were saving for our retirement, after making me feel like I was asking for too much from you to take the time off work to be with me, you took her?”
Mitch sat quietly for a moment. “Twice.”
“You are such an unbelievable asshole.”
He focused out his window. “I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I know I hurt you. I’m ashamed of that. I’m ashamed of myself. I hate what I did. But I can’t change it.”
“And I can’t change how much it still hurts.” She climbed out of the truck and walked to the house without looking back.
Paul hesitated when he saw Dianna sitting in what had somehow become their booth at the café. He hadn’t stepped foot inside since the last time he’d come with her, but after Annie left, he’d felt too restless to be at home. He hadn’t intended to stop at the café, but when he saw it was still open as he drove by, he decided to stop for dessert. He started to leave, but Dianna grabbed a napkin and wiped her face, and he realized she was crying. Then he remembered that she was supposed to be out to dinner with Mitch.
Something had happened that led her to be sitting there alone on Valentine’s Day instead of with her…whatever Mitch was. Paul crossed the café and put his hand on her shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said when she jolted and looked up at him with wide, red eyes.
She creased her brow as if she weren’t sure what she was supposed to say.
“May I sit?”
She nodded, and he slid into the booth across from her.
“What happened?” he asked.
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and turned her coffee mug a few times. “We were on our way to dinner, and I just… I guess, to be honest, I didn’t want to be there, and I think I just…”
“You fought?”
“I asked questions I shouldn’t have.” She closed her eyes and rested her forehead in the palm of her hand. “Did you know they went on vacations together?”
“After I found out she’d been cheating, I guessed she hadn’t been visiting her sister as frequently as she’d told me.”
“I had asked him to take me to a lakeside resort for our anniversary. I’d found this beautiful hotel that sounded so amazing. He said we couldn’t afford it. Then he took her. Twice.”
Paul sighed as he lowered his face. Even without the tears in her eyes, he could imagine how much it had to have hurt her to hear that. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded numbly. “She picked out my birthday present last year. That’s how they met. Buying me jewelry. Isn’t that romantic?”
She wiped her eyes, and Paul had that familiar mixed emotion of wanting to hug her and wanting to punch Mitch at the same time.
“She selected a beautiful silver bracelet. I used to wear it all the time and tell him how much I loved it. For months, I literally wore evidence of his deceit and it made me feel loved. He let me do that,” she said quietly. “He let me show her bracelet off like it was a token of his affection rather than what it was—proof of his betrayal. It makes my stomach turn when I think about it.”
Her face scrunched for a moment before she drew a quivering breath. She turned away when the waitress approached with a coffee mug for him and a pot in her hand to top off Dianna’s drink. He shook his head when the waitress asked if he wanted anything else.
“I’m sorry,” Dianna said when they were alone again. “I guess you don’t want to hear all that.”
“I’d guess you didn’t really want to hear it either.”
“I thought I needed to know, but now that I do…”
“It hurts all over again.”
“It hurts so much I can’t breathe,” she whispered. “I feel so used and…insignificant. Why did I do this? Why did I let him tear me apart again? I just… I’m sorry.” She exhaled loudly.
Paul rested his hand on her arm. “Don’t apologize. You can always talk to me.”
“But I’m talking about things you don’t care to know.”
He shook his head. “You can always talk to me. About anything.”
She chewed her lip for a moment, as if she were debating what she should say. Finally, she asked, “How are you, Paul?”
“We’ll get to that in a minute. Right now we’re talking about you.”
Dianna frowned. “I thought I was doing the right thing. He offered to pay the mortgage for a few months, and all I had to do was stop worrying so I could clear my head. It seemed like the answer. I got to stay in the house, I didn’t have to worry about the boys, and…”
“And you didn’t have to take on everything alone anymore.”
She nodded. “I felt relieved at first, but then it all just came crashing down.”
“It’s going to take time, Dianna.”
She nodded. “He wants us to go to counseling.”
Paul considered his words as silence lingered between them. He could do it, he was certain. He could tell her right now to walk away from Mitch, and he suspected she would. But that damned logical side of him knew that wasn’t the answer. She had to process this pain she was going through, and she had to do it without his interference. He’d distracted her from it long enough. They’d distracted each other for months, and all it left them was more problems. But she was there now, facing her broken heart, and he had to let her do it on her own.
“Even if you get through this and decide you can’t be with him, going through counseling will help you resolve all the damage he did. You have to do that, Di.”
“Did—” she started but stopped.
“What?”
She flicked her gaze at him. “Did she come home?”
He nodded. “I told her to go to hell, though. There has to be something better out there than someone who would paint my walls such ugly colors.”
Dianna laughed a sad, congested sound.
Paul smiled, glad that, even if for just a moment, he’d eased some of her misery. “I’m sorry you’re going through this again, but you buried your pain for so long, it was bound to resurface sometime. It’s better to deal with it now than to have it sneak up on you in a year or two.”
“Have you dealt with it? Have you coped with all the damage she did?”
“I only had three years of a fairly one-sided marriage to deal with. You had a lifetime of family and memories. We have completely different levels of coping.”
“She still hurt you.”
He nodded. “And I still have some work to do, but I can honestly say I’m getting better.” He hesitated for a moment but then brushed her hair behind her ear and then rested his palm to her face. His heart tripped when she covered his hand with hers. “I shouldn’t say this, but I’ve missed you,” he whispered. “I’ve missed you like crazy.”
She smiled. “I’ve missed you, too.”
He held her gaze for what seemed like an eternity. “I’m sorry for leaving like I did.”
Dianna shook her head. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”
Paul put his hand on hers on the table and watched as he trailed his finger over hers. “You didn’t. Like I said, we were coming to a head one way or another. You have to work through this. You can’t move on, with Mitch or anyone else, un
til you do.”
She drew a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “I don’t know that I did this for the right reasons, Paul. He kept telling me I wouldn’t have to sell the house and I wouldn’t have to worry about the bills. That had been weighing so heavily on my mind that I think I just… I gave in to him because I was so tired.”
“Whatever the reason, it was the right decision. You have to resolve all the pain he caused you, and you couldn’t do that when you were drowning in so many other problems. Whatever the outcome, you needed this reprieve so you could stand back and focus on mending your heart.”
“It just hurts so much.”
“I know it does.” He entwined his fingers with hers and stared at their interlocked hands. “I want you to know that if you need me, you can call me. Anytime. I know things between us are…whatever…but I care about you, Dianna. Very much. I don’t want you to feel like you are alone. You’re not. I’m always here.”
She nodded. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.” Taking another deep breath, she sighed loudly. “What are you doing here this time of night?”
“I had dinner with Annie. After she left, I just… I was restless. I thought maybe some pie would help.”
She smiled and lowered her gaze. “We were on our way to dinner when I made him take me home. I got inside and… My mind was racing. I thought getting out would help.”
“Did it?”
“Nope. Instead of sitting on the couch crying, I sat here. At least here I couldn’t throw my coffee mug.”
He laughed, recalling the first day they met and how he’d cleaned up the shattered cup and spilled coffee from her kitchen floor. “Did you eat?”
She shook her head, and he gestured to the waitress.
“Can we get a couple menus, please?”
“Paul, you just had dinner with your sister.”
“And now I’m having dinner with you.” He opened the menu that was put in front of him and scanned the selections. She hesitated before finally doing the same. His heart warmed when she glanced up at the same time and smiled.
Her eyes were red-lined and puffy, her nose bright from her wiping it, and her cheeks were pale. Her hair was flat from running her hands through it the way she did when she was stressed, but in that moment Paul thought he’d never seen her look more beautiful. He couldn’t stop himself. Reaching across the table, he took her hand in his and squeezed it.
