by Tina T. Kove
I shrugged. ‘I haven’t thought about what I want.’ I had, but I still had no answers. ‘For so long, my life’s been all about staying out of my parents’ way. Of working and earning money to be able to move out. Then it was all about killing myself, for a while. And now… now I have something to live for, but I have no idea what I want to do.’
‘You’ve got time to think about it.’ He stroked my cheek lovingly.
‘Deadline for applying to university is in less than two months.’ I bit my lip again. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere without you, and you’re going to the military for a year. I could stay back and work for that year, earn some money, but—‘
‘But what?’
‘Where am I going to stay? You’re leaving, so—’ Andreas leaving meant I was on my own. For a whole year. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t move back in with my parents. There was just no way I could do that.
‘Alex, you’re staying.’ He stared at me, incredulous. ‘Thomas isn’t going to throw you out just because I leave. You can have my room all to yourself. And when I come home for a visit, we’ll be together.’
‘I don’t want to stay with your uncle indefinitely.’ Wouldn’t it be weird to stay once Andreas was gone? ‘I appreciate him letting me stay now, and without even having to pay for myself, I do. I appreciate it so much and he’s been nothing but kind to me. But I want to provide for myself.’ That was what I’d been working towards before the suicidal thoughts had emerged and taken over.
I’d been working every shift I could get this summer to earn enough money to put aside for when school ended. So I had enough to make it before I received my student loan—and enough for a deposit for an apartment if I needed that.
Now I just needed to figure out what to do. We were in February already and the months until graduation would be by in a flash.
‘Can’t we talk about this later?’ I didn’t want to be put down by all these worrying thoughts. Andreas’s dick was still hard against mine and I had more pleasurable things to occupy my mind right now. ‘It’s our winter holiday and it’s the middle of the night. Let’s just enjoy it.’ I toyed with the hair curling at the back of his neck. It was getting long; he would probably cut it soon, though I kind of liked it a little longer. There was more to grab on to.
He looked at me. ‘You’ll figure it out. It’ll come to you. Don’t stress out over it.’
If only I could be as chill as him. But he had his future all mapped out. If I’d had that too, I would be chill as well.
‘Andreas. Let’s go to bed.’ This conversation was over.
‘Whatever you want, Alex.’ He stepped back, allowing me down from the table. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders once I started towards the bedroom, pressing up against my back. His cock poked against my lower back, ready to be put to good use.
I stripped the moment I was inside the door.
Andreas laughed at me as he closed it, but he, too, shucked his joggers rather quickly.
I scrambled up on the bed. The lube was on the nightstand, discarded after our round earlier. There was also a spare condom packet lying there, which he now grabbed.
I quickly squirted some out onto my fingers, then reached back to apply it. I was stretched from before, so foreplay wasn’t necessary this time around. All I needed was his cock inside me, and I needed it now.
‘Andreas?’
He got onto the bed behind me. One hand rested on my lower back, and the other guided himself in place. He thrust in quickly and I was pushed forward so fast that I nearly lost my balance.
I let my upper body drop to the bed—that was the position I preferred it in.
Andreas adjusted himself. His palms came down on my shoulders, pressing me down into the mattress as he continued to thrust hard, fast, and deep into me.
This mattress was harder than Andreas’s, but that didn’t mean I would forgo this for a second. Having his weight on me as he pushed inside me was one of the most erotic things I’d ever experienced. I loved it with a passion I couldn’t explain.
Like always, especially in this position, I came too quickly. It built up from the moment his dick rubbed over my prostate for the first time.
When he then slowed and pulled out of me completely, I wasn’t sure if it was a relief or not. I settled on it being a relief because this meant it would last longer. Sometimes I hated that he could make me come so fast, though he did it so wonderfully every time.
‘Lay down, Alex.’ He pressed my hips down and I did as he wanted without question. I stretched out on the bed on my stomach and rested my forehead against my folded arms.
Andreas lay down on top of me, cock back in place and sinking into me. He didn’t go quickly now; instead, he set a slow, lazy rhythm of his hips. His head nuzzled my shoulder and neck.
‘You’re the bravest person I know.’
‘What?’ What was he talking about? My brain was not ready for conversation yet. I was too busy coming down from my orgasm.
‘You are,’ he insisted. ‘What you’ve gone through with your parents, your sister leaving, what happened in the marina that night, just surviving everything. You’re strong.’
‘I hardly think it’s called being strong, not when you see my arms,’ I mumbled against the arms in question. We were rocking slightly, and as much as I loved being pounded into the bed, this was quite enjoyable too.
‘I think it’s the opposite. That your scars show just how much you’ve been through. They’re your history.’ His arms came to rest around mine, so his entire body surrounded me on all fronts. He was bigger than me and heavier, but all of it simply made me feel safe and loved.
‘Why are you talking?’ I had difficulty thinking with his cock inside me. Even if it was slow, my brain wouldn’t function properly.
How could it, when I had sex with my boyfriend? It would always be good, no matter how or where or when we did it.
‘Because I have things to say.’ He kissed me at the point where neck met shoulder. His warm breath fanned over my skin, creating delicious goosebumps across my skin that made me feel amazing.
‘You’re strong, too.’ I wished he wouldn’t talk when we were in the middle of sex, but it seemed I couldn’t stop him. ‘You survived both of your parents’ deaths.’
‘But I had a good and stable home life, both before and after they were both gone,’ he muttered against my skin.
He made one hard thrust, which caused a low, drawn-out moan to escape me.
‘I’ve had good help from my family. We’ve always been there for each other.’ Andreas ran one hand over my scarred skin until he encountered my forehead, which rested against my folded hands. He stroked my hair away from my skin, running his hands through the coarse locks. ‘You’ve had no one. You’ve only had yourself and your cutting. But you survived.’
‘I did have Leo,’ I pointed out.
‘But he doesn’t know how deep down you were.’
No, that was true. Leo had no idea I’d wanted to kill myself. He didn’t even know about the cutting. I’d managed to keep that from him all these years, ever since Kamilla left us.
‘I survived thanks to you.’ If he hadn’t spoken to me that day, I would’ve done it. Or at least attempted to. I reckoned killing yourself was hard and I wasn’t sure I had it in me, but I had wanted to do it. Had made plans. If they would have succeeded or not… well, I’d never know that now, thanks to him.
I’d been so far down in a deep, black hole—but he’d yanked me out of it when he hadn’t only talked to me, but brought me home, invited me to a party, had sex with me not just once but several times… He’d never gotten tired of me. He wanted me around. Not just for sex, but everything else too. And even during sex, he wasn’t all about his pleasure, which was what I was used to, but he wanted me to feel good too. No one had ever wanted me to feel good before.
That, more than anything else, had pulled me back up on my feet.
‘It’s all thanks to you.’
‘I’m not g
oing to lie: I like hearing that.’ He kissed my cheek, then gave another hard thrust, and this time, he kept it going.
All thoughts of my shitty life disappeared, replaced with the pure pleasure he always brought me when we were in bed together.
I stretched my arms out and he did too, over my bare skin until our fingers could tangle together. I clung to him, to his fingers, while he made such easy work of my body.
My cock was trapped between my body and the mattress, and the rocking of Andreas fucking me, as well as his cock inside me, was more than enough to make me come.
I’d heard and read that many men found it difficult to come from anal penetration, but I’d never had that problem. I preferred coming from penetration; it was easiest for me, and so bloody good.
My body pulsed through my orgasm and I squeezed Andreas tight. Low, guttural groans came from him, but he continued thrusting through his orgasm.
He dropped down at my side once he was done, and I moved over to curl up against his chest. There was a wet spot from my semen where I’d been lying, and I much preferred to be close to him anyway.
‘That was good.’ I ran my hand over the light smattering of dark blond hair on his chest.
‘Mmmm.’ He wasn’t very eloquent after an orgasm.
I smiled to myself and sat up only to pull the duvet over us.
I reckoned coming from such a shitty background, my life could have only gone upwards after that. And because of him, as well as his family, it had.
I could never thank them enough for that, but I hoped they knew.
‘Hey, Alex.’
I looked up from my book at Leo, who stood next to the armchairs, looking extremely timid and uncomfortable. I put my thumb on the page I was on, then closed the book and put it down on my curled-up legs, worried all of a sudden.
‘Hey.’ What was wrong with him? He wouldn’t look at me. ‘What is it?’ Had I done something wrong? Had someone else done anything to him? Said something?
‘Umm.’ Leo came closer and he glanced at me now, but he couldn’t quite hold my gaze. ‘I saw you last night.’
‘What?’ I frowned.
‘You and Andreas, here in the kitchen. Everyone else was asleep.’
Andreas and me in the kitchen.
I flushed, remembering what we’d done in the kitchen.
Of course Leo was embarrassed, seeing that. We hadn’t been naked, thankfully, but groping each other was just as bad.
‘I’m sorry.’ Now I was the one who couldn’t look at Leo. ‘We didn’t know you were there. We won’t do that in front of you again.’ I wouldn’t want to watch Leo get frisky with someone either. That was just a part of his life I did not need to know anything about.
‘Do what?’ He blinked at me.
‘Kiss?’ I finally dared to look at him, to see him stare blankly at me. ‘Grope each other over there?’ I pointed to the dining table. Leo still only stared blankly.
We were talking about two different things. But what in the world was he talking about, if not us kissing and groping? What else could make him this uncomfortable?
‘What? Alex—I don’t mind seeing you kiss your boyfriend.’ He buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans, hunching slightly. ‘That’s not at all what my problem is.’
‘Okay, then we won’t do anything more than kiss in front of you.’ I could understand that seeing us be intimate would be disturbing, even for people who didn’t mind seeing gay people together.
‘No, Alex.’ Leo shook his head. ‘That doesn’t bother me. I’m glad that you have someone, that you’re happy. What bothers me is I saw your arms.’
My arms… I looked down, but I wore a hoodie, so everything was nicely covered up. But I’d only donned a tee before going out to the kitchen last night. No one had been awake.
It had only been me—and then Andreas.
And, apparently, Leo.
‘For how long?’ Leo was in front of me now and he sat down in the armchair next to me. ‘How long have you done that to yourself?’
Now I couldn’t look at him again. He wasn’t supposed to know about this, about my cutting. ‘Years.’
‘Because of Mum and Dad?’ He took my arm, the one that wasn’t still marking the page in my book.
The motion surprised me for a second, but then I ripped my arm out of his grip. I cradled it against my chest and stared at him.
‘I don’t like anyone seeing my arms.’
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to look at them. I just—You did that to yourself.’
I didn’t say anything, because it hadn’t been a question. If he’d seen them, it was quite obvious that I’d done it to myself.
I tossed my book aside, not caring that I lost my place in it. Instead, I curled up and wrapped my arms around my knees.
‘You’ve been hurting a lot.’ Another statement.
‘I don’t cut anymore.’ That was the truth.
‘When’d you stop?’ Leo didn’t seem to judge me. He seemed more curious and pained than anything.
‘Well, it got a lot better after I met Andreas.’ Was I going to tell him the truth? Would it be good for him to hear, or would it hurt him more? ‘Andreas saved my life.’
‘How come?’ Leo seemed surprised at the change of subject. It wasn’t a change at all; it was very much connected, but he couldn’t know that yet.
‘That first day we met… I’d planned to go home and kill myself that day.’
‘Oh, my god. Alex.’ That struck him. Hard. His face paled.
‘Andreas knew it or sensed it, or whatever. Knew that something was wrong.’ I stared at the black television, not able to meet Leo’s gaze as I told him this. ‘So he came over to talk to me. If he hadn’t, well… he saved my life. Everything is thanks to him. I hadn’t planned anything. All I knew was that I wanted to die. I had nothing to live for. And then he was there, giving me that something when I needed it the most.’
‘Shit.’ Leo ran his hands over his face.
‘I’m okay now. Mostly.’ I bit down on my lower lip, uncertain of what to say. And the question of being okay wasn’t exactly answered, was it? I was still waiting to hear back from my referral to the District Psychiatric Centre.
I might only be having a good period. Who knew. No one professional had given me a diagnosis yet.
I didn’t want Leo to worry about me, especially not about something that wasn’t an option anymore. I didn’t want to die—I had something to live for now. I had a good life, away from everything that had made me miserable.
Leo stared silently at the black telly for several long moments. He folded his hands and rested his chin on top of them.
‘I shouldn’t have left you there,’ he said eventually, voice low, raw. ‘I should’ve stayed. Or I should’ve come back every chance I got.’
‘I don’t know if that would’ve been any easier,’ I admitted, voice just as low as his. ‘It’s them, Leo. Being around them… it’s depressing. I hate the fighting. I hate them. Some say you love your parents no matter what, but I don’t. I hate them. I’m better off without them. Living with Andreas… it’s been the best month of my life.’
I’d never felt so calm. Not when it came to my home life, anyway. I didn’t have to tip-toe in my own home anymore, afraid of what mood my parents would be in. I was living with calm, collected, rational people who cared about each other.
‘You don’t seem very happy.’ Leo stared at me.
‘Because I don’t go around smiling all the time?’ I was taken aback by that. I didn’t seem happy? Why not? It wasn’t like I was miserable all the time anymore. I felt fine now. ‘I am, though,’ I assured him. ‘I am happy.’ I unwrapped my arms from around my knees and instead crossed my legs. It was a more comfortable position. ‘I’m trying my best to quit, Leo. That’s all I can give you. It’s not easy. Cutting… it’s what’s kept me from going out of my mind.’
Leo looked at me for a long minute now.
I squirmed.
&n
bsp; ‘I also overheard you talking about what you were going to do once school is over. I’m sorry, I hadn’t meant to listen in on you, but when I was about to turn the corner and saw your arms, I froze. I couldn’t stop looking at them.’ He smiled sheepishly. ‘You know… there are year courses you can do. If you like them, you can apply for a bachelor’s later on. At another university, even. Or you could use them as free modules. There’s a lot to choose from at my college, for example.’
‘I have been looking at courses in Aarvik,’ I admitted.
‘Yeah?’ He was surprised again as if me looking at courses in his chosen place of study was such a surprising thing.
‘Yeah. Andreas is going to the military for a year, so I can do what I want then.’ I shrugged.
‘You can still do what you want.’ He looked at me weirdly.
‘Yeah. Of course. That didn’t come out well.’ I flushed. ‘I want to live with Andreas, but I can’t when he’s in the army. So when he moves to attend the Police Academy, I want to go with him. It’s my choice.’
He nodded. ‘I get that. That you want to be with him.’ He cleared his throat. ‘But for the year he’s away… we could live together, perhaps? If you want to study at Aarvik University College, we could get a flat together. It’s the last year of my degree, it would be cool if we could spend that year together.’
I smiled, my embarrassment from earlier fading away at his enthusiasm. ‘That sounds nice. I’d like that.’ I did want to pursue higher education. I didn’t want to stay back at Thomas’s house for a year without Andreas, stocking shelves and manning the till in the supermarket.
Living with Leo, away from our parents, would be a new experience. A good one, hopefully.
‘I hated leaving you behind when I had to go to the military.’ He glanced my way, but his gaze soon skittered away. ‘But when I started studying, I wanted to take you with me, away from our parents. But you weren’t off age and I don’t know if they would’ve kicked off over that, and I just couldn’t afford it.’ He shrugged almost helplessly.
‘I came to stay with you every weekend I didn’t work.’ Those visits had been the only highlights of my life for so long.
